Struggle Stories Help Define Patterns

Code: Opportunity for Personal Growth

After two years in the position, I found myself standing in the bathroom with a tear-stained face... again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make this work? I'm not a particularly emotional person and yet, here I was with swollen eyes and runny nose... again. Why was I letting my boss get to me like this?

This wasn't the first time I found myself struggling with an abusive boss in a bad environment. Just two positions before this one I had another abusive boss. As I stood looking in the mirror, my reflection said it all: You've been in this position before that, too.

I started to look back at all of my jobs, all the way back to being a food server at an IHOP in college. There were some exceptions; I did experience jobs where I was valued, where I thrived and became the professional person I am today. Looking back though, there were far too many similar situations in my past. This was a pattern.

It took some deep self-reflection to come to this conclusion, the most humbling and difficult moment in my career.

I had some complicity here.

What an awful realization. Who wants that kind of answer to a question? No one I know wants to admit they did something wrong or that they played a part in what was wrong with a relationship or job.

I'm not for a second suggesting that bullying and abuse is the fault of the victim.

I'm not for a second suggesting that it is ever okay to treat people badly or that a victim as somehow earned abuse.

there are circumstances and patterns, though, that when we see them in our lives can awaken us to our role in our own success, if we take responsibility as adults and choose to make changes.

I learned a lot of lessons in those 2+ years; I continue to face similar challenges, now I'm more aware of my actions that might be contributing to the problems.

Here are some of the lessons I continue to practice:

1. Your contribution may not be necessary or may not add value to the discussion. Stop. Think. Listen. Then decide how or if to weigh in with your thoughts or suggestions.
2. Trust is good, but take the time to know a person before you share. Trust your instincts! If you observe characteristics about a person, incorporate those observations into your overall level of trust and figure out with what you can trust each person in the environment. If someone is sharing gossip with you, they're likely sharing gossip about you.
3. Related to #2, be careful where you dump (especially if you live in a small town), and DO NOT DUMP at work. The person you want to vent about may be right around the corner and that is simply disrespectful - and you will not like yourself afterward. As bad as it is, it can be worse when you know you've earned some of the scorn. Sometimes you need to share frustrations at work, be careful not to become the person who is constantly griping and complaining.
4. Sometimes you have to play the game. Don’t antagonize, especially if it won’t bring you closer to your goal. Always think of your ultimate goal for the relationship and your job. I once hit "send" on an email I knew I shouldn't have sent. It took me about five minutes to feel the consequences and to know how sophomoric I was for sabotaging my own day. That's where I developed the 24 Hour Rule.
5. Be aware that your position in the project may not be what you want it to be, find out what's expected for your role and focus! Do your job with all of your skills and energy, and learn what you must to do your job well. My mom once told me that every trial you face will keep coming back until you learn your lesson from it. Remember that it's not forever and that you must "find the nugget" before you can leave.
6. Find people you trust and who know you well, but are separate enough from the situation to provide an outside perspective, and ask them for specific ideas about where you should be looking for your next adventure.
7. When faced with a difficult situation, reflect on how you would want to perceive it from 20 years in the future. Did you handle it well, with grace, dignity and compassion?
8. Sometimes people are just mean. It may be time to call them on it and stand up for yourself and others, or get out.
9. My most unpleasant lesson: Figure out how you might be complicit in your own patterns of frustration in jobs and relationships. Until you identify your patterns, you will continue to face similar situations. If every boss, or every romantic partner in your life was the same... the common piece of the puzzle is you.

There are no easy answers.

Be kind to yourself while you work through this. And know that you are a work in progress; what makes you happy and content today will probably change in the future.

Your Value is Yours to Define

How you share your stories matters.

Arminda Lindsay is a force. She's a force of integrity, love, and inner strength. That's because she knows who she is, what drives her, and that she does Arminda better than anyone else could.

She wasn't always this way. Her life isn't all roses and sunshine; it took her a long time to come to the point of trusting herself and her instincts enough to bring her whole self to every environment. This is a large part of what makes her such a good coach.

In this podcast, Arminda shares a couple of stories that will resonate with listeners; one is an example of when she not only realized her boundaries for what she would accept from others, she set them definitively by walking away from a job after an abusive event.

When we share stories like this, they're not only reminders, or evidence that we are resilient; these stories help others to know they're not alone, and that they can make decisions that are right for them. We learn from these stories that we CAN and MUST choose ourselves and our well-being, and that we define our own value. If we don't define our value for ourselves, we leave that critical aspect of our lives to those around us. And very few people will value us any more than we value ourselves.

The first step must be define our core values, and to be introspective enough to recognize what drives us. As Arminda said in the podcast, if we want to find satisfaction in life, we must stick to our integrity, our knowledge of our own needs. Because if that's out of alignment, nothing feels right, and we lose our sense of self.

Bonus: In the podcast, Arminda shared something about herself that I didn't know, though now that I do, I'm not at all surprised. Here's a little something to make you smile:

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Arminda loves coaching extraordinary women to see the beauty of who they truly are by accessing the power they possess when they step into ownership of their full expression. In addition to working with women, she has also worked with C-Suite executives, leadership teams, business owners, and entrepreneurs for over a decade, and is a trusted advisor who coaches leaders to elevate their strategic thinking and performance to expand their vision and its impact on their organizations and leadership teams.

From her website:

When Choose Your Own Adventure books hit the scene my enthusiasm could not be sated. I devoured these books, always reading them from start to stop as many times as I could choose a different direction to guide the fate of the main character through one seemingly critical decision after another, never tiring of the delightful discovery of how one choice could lead to such different consequences and possible outcomes. When I came to the conclusion of a series of choices, I happily turned back to page one and started over again, always choosing differently than my previous read through the same plot.

I’ve come to understand that my life is no different than the storybooks I’ve always loved to read. And up until a few years ago, I was so invested in believing my own story to be true that I was no more writing my story as much as I was allowing it to be written by everything and everyone around me. I was a character in my own story, but one who existed at the mercy of the plot unfolding around me.

Getting Out Alive: A Story of Professional Survival

"We were barreling down the road, at least double the speed limit in a 35 zone. And when we hit the highway, he was driving at least 110. For the first time since those warning signs I ignored during the interview, I realized I wasn't just risking my career, I was risking my life."

John White made the decision to invest in his future income that day - by jumping into an MBA program he'd been considering for a few years.

We had a great conversation about that moment in his life when he made the decision; have you had a moment like this one? Maybe not quite so dramatic, but still a large, negative push to follow a different path?