Dreams Expose Your Internal Stories

How Do You Interpret Recurring Dreams?

Over the years, I've written about both kinds of dreams, awake and asleep.

I've always believed our sleeping dreams have some deeper meaning and purpose than entertainment; when my husband gave me a book about interpretations of dreams, my belief was solidified.

There's a lot of research about dreams, and many don't believe they have any kind of meaning. The book I read proposed that our dreams are made up of our subconscious observations, and that the purpose of some dreams is to prepare our conscious minds for situations that may occur in our waking life. The dreams aren't necessarily direct messages from subconscious to conscious minds, actually, they rarely are. And that's where interpretation comes in.

One recurring dream I wrote about was from when I was pregnant with our older son. My husband and I were living in Washington DC, and I had a great career in front of me. I was commuting at least an hour each way to work throughout my pregnancy, and when we were well into the second half, I researched and hired a great nanny to stay with the baby after my maternity leave ended.

From my teen years until I was almost 30, I had no intention of having children. It wasn't until I met my husband that I considered the idea. Because I'm somewhat impulsive, considering the idea didn't last long - I was pregnant just a few months later.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I started to have a recurring, very unpleasant dream that I had twins. One baby was much bigger than the other, and I kept dropping the big one. People would give me dirty looks as I quickly picked up the baby, who was always fine, and did my best to manage the weight and awkwardness of holding both of them.

After a few weeks of this dream, I realized what the dream was telling me: I was concerned about being able to balance a career and a new baby. It never came clear to me which was the big one I was dropping, career or family, but once I interpreted the dream and started to address my anxiety through conversations with my employer, my husband, and our nanny, the dreams stopped.

Others I wrote about were my recurring exposure dreams. A few evenings before or after I step out of my comfort zone, either on stage or any type of performance, I'll have dreams that I am trying to shower or go to the bathroom, I'm naked, and there are no shower or stall doors. In those dreams, I'm exposed as people are walking by as if nothing is wrong or awkward.

My recent interpretation of a recurring dream prompted this article: Spider webs.

I've been uncomfortable at best, terrified at worst, around spiders and spider webs for as long as I can remember. I've never really been afraid of things, but spiders definitely get my heart racing.

Also for as long as I can remember, I've had awful dreams of being down in a basement, surrounded by spider webs/cob webs. In my dreams, I walk down to get something, and when I turn around to get out, there are webs all around me. They rarely have visible spiders on them, but I know they're around. I try to find a space big enough to squeeze myself through without touching the webs, and in some cases I push my way through, feeling the webs on my skin and hair, terrified that a spider is on my head or body somewhere, and I wake up shaking. In other cases, I just wake up, never having gotten through the webs, and with no resolution.

It finally dawned on me (pun intended), that these recurring dreams aren't that difficult to interpret. Maybe it's because my family is facing some real challenges with potential long-term consequences, or maybe it's because I finally have the insight to understand them.

Those webs are the fears and discomforts I'm facing. I know walking through them will be unpleasant, or even dangerous, and my subconscious mind is making me go through those webs over and over again. It's trying to prepare me to face these fears, and know that somehow I'll get through them. It's also acknowledging the nature of the fears - that they're just spider webs, which are generally pretty lightweight and breakable, but that they have the potential for danger because of the poisonous black widow spiders that may be lurking on them.

I'm hopeful that with this interpretation, my spider web dreams will change in some way, and that maybe they'll even stop. But I'm not in denial, I know these dreams serve a purpose, and as long as I'm living, growing, and taking risks, I'll be followed by them.

Do you have recurring dreams? Did you ever consider how, or if, they can be interpreted? Do you believe in dreams as subconscious messages? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Mid-Life Crisis? Dazed & Confused? You're Not Alone.

I recently read a sad article about a ridiculous number of women my age who are going through a sort of mid-life crisis. The part that caught my attention first was this:

"Hey," I said, happy to have caught her on a break from her job, "do you know anyone having a midlife crisis I could talk to?"

The phone was silent for a second.

Finally, she said, "I'm trying to think of any woman I know who's not."

When I read that exchange, I realized that women in my age range are having very similar experiences to current young adults just leaving high school and college.

Our world is so different from what I experienced as I left high school. Career paths were pretty traditional then, though there were some who took different journeys. Most of my friends didn’t think about the next step after high school because the next step was college; most of us never thought about NOT going on for a four year degree. I was surrounded by my middle class friends in suburban Colorado neighborhoods, but even my friends outside of that community knew the traditional path and generally followed it.

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Those traditional paths still exist, but they’re an awful lot like where Kodak was about 30 years ago; they’re not real anymore.

Some people are seeing this as an exciting opportunity, a chance to do whatever seems right at any given moment. Others are experiencing a kind of agoraphobia, a sense of overwhelming loss and confusion. For them, it’s like being really hungry and going to a restaurant with too many menu options. They get so overwhelmed that they can’t make a decision and walk away starving.

Women who are going through this crisis are facing similarly overwhelming options, but instead of seeing this time as full of opportunity, they’re seeing it as failure, or worse, their lives completely shattered.

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I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone likes to be in that “in-between” space, where I live most of the time. People who fit the equation comfort = happiness are overwhelmed by this time in their lives, while others who have consistently shifted gears to find the next adventure see this time as exciting and full of opportunity.

It’s hard to know what to do to help friends going through this phase of self-discovery and change; after all, their world is unbalanced and full of uncertainty. I’ve written about strategies for helping a person who is grieving, and they apply here, too. Remember that your friends are grieving. They’re grieving the loss of what they thought they wanted in life, the loss of their certainty, and potentially the loss of the foundation of their marriage and parents as their health deteriorates.

A good coach can help define the questions that need to be addressed, and will help clarify what the answers mean in terms of action steps and opportunities. Coaching is well worth the investment, and in combination with a counselor, can turn things around significantly. Not every counselor or coach is the same, so if you find one you don’t work well with, keep looking. Don’t stick with one you don’t feel excited to share with, but don’t give up on coaching or counseling if you have one negative or ineffective experience!

Listening is a huge part of allowing a person to grieve. If you are a good listener, that may be your primary role in helping your friends.

Being a positive force of encouragement and support is absolutely the best thing you can do for people. Make sure you have a small group that meets regularly to talk about the challenges and questions you’re all facing. More importantly, make sure the energy in that group remains positive. Each person in your group must have the ability and comfort level to intervene when a meeting turns into a rant session. A complaint-filled hour will only drag you down; when anyone in the group senses that things are going south in a conversation, they must know how to carefully switch gears and talk about actions people can take to move forward.

Are you going through a time of uncertainty? Are you feeling off-balance and lost? No one can solve your problems for you, but reaching out to encouraging, supportive, engaged friends will definitely help. I have what I call my N.A.G. group, Nudge – Advise – Guide, and we meet once each month to help us stay accountable to ourselves with our goals, to encourage and advise us when we have crazy ideas, and to guide us to make the best choices.

“If you regret any part of your past, think about your future, and make changes and efforts now, so you don’t look back again with regret.”

How you perceive this time in your life is YOUR CHOICE. You can wallow in sadness over the loss of what you thought you had, what you thought you wanted, or you can step up and live out the dreams you’ve dismissed while you were developing yourself to be who you are right now.

Dream big, take action, and be a good N.A.G. for others.

Nervous? If you're not, you're not doing it right.

Being nervous means what you're doing matters to you.

This post was inspired by a post by my friend Zach Messler, called "Overcome your fear of public speaking. Here's what I do." If you aren't a bit nervous about a speech or performance, you're probably not engaged or excited about what you're about to do.

It was 9:45 am and the ceremony was scheduled to begin at 10. I knew they would be running late because they were bringing in WWII veterans, most of them disabled, all of them 88+ years old, plus their families from all over the US and Canada. The First Special Service Force, sometimes referred to as the Devil's Brigade, had received the Congressional Medal of Honor, finally, earlier that year. The metal was being presented to Fort Harrison for display, as the home of the First Special Service Force in the beginning of WWII.

As the public affairs person for the city, I had been involved from the beginning of the plan for the weekend of activities, to include this ceremony at Fort Harrison on Friday morning, as well as a re-enactment of the parade on Saturday, of soldiers that marched down our main street just before they left Montana to head to Europe. When asked if I would sing the US and Canadian Nation Anthems for the parade, I was honored and accepted. My friend agreed to come to Helena to sing with me, so we could perform the songs in harmony.

I assumed they had found someone to perform the two anthems for the ceremony the day before the parade, so when I arrived that morning, I was surprised to hear they were planning to... use a recording.

It seemed insulting to me, so I impulsively offered to sing both anthems. Solo. Unaccompanied.

When I began the Star Spangled Banner, standing at the podium in front of more than 200 guests and a handful of WWII heroes, I was more nervous than I think I have ever been. My legs were shaking so hard, I thought they might actually collapse beneath me. I gripped the side of the podium with my left hand, hit the high note at the end, paused, and sang the Canadian National Anthem for the first time in my life. When I left the stage after the ceremony, a Canadian woman asked me: "Are you sure you're not Canadian?"

I've often been asked:

How do you get over the nerves during a performance?

• Change your internal message: "I'm so excited about this!" Instead of "I'm so nervous!"
• Breathe with intention. In other words, don't start speaking or singing until you have taken a few deep breaths to calm yourself. When you feel yourself getting shaky again, pause. When you're planning your presentation - mark your script at places where a pause would be natural.
• Insist on a microphone stand or a lapel mic. Holding a microphone will exacerbate your nerves, trust me. If you must hold a microphone, start by holding it with both hands. If you know ahead of time you'll be holding the mic, wear something heavy on your mic-holding wrist, like a large watch or bracelet. The weight will help with the shaking.
• Breathe into your diaphragm, relax your knees slightly, and tighten the muscles in your lower abdomen. Feel your knees wobbling and your heart racing? Don't try to stop the shaking, that just makes it worse. Make sure your feet are planted, your knees just slightly bent, and squeeze those muscles in your rear end - hard. This provides structure and a more solid foundation for your voice. That squeeze will help make the vibrato in your voice less noticeable.
• As part of your preparation, choose your shoes first, then build your outfit. Make sure you select shoes that make you feel confident and attractive. When you feel yourself start to shake, glance at your feet, solid in position, then look back up and continue. Again, plan your pauses so you have opportunities to collect yourself.

Zach Messler is a master of keeping an audience engaged, and he makes it look so easy! Give yourself credit for putting yourself out there - it's scary, and it's not something everyone has the courage to do. Practice these techniques while practicing Zach's and you'll improve every time you speak.

*cover photo courtesy of @elizawileyphotographer, parade photo courtesy of the Helena Independent Record