An Unlikely Foundation for Optimism
Some Stories Teach Us the Wrong Lessons - At First
When she was a teenager, Jennifer Heflin overheard a conversation between her parents that gave her the impression the only way to succeed in business is to be aggressive, unkind, and ruthless.
That was the story she told herself as she completed her MBA at Wharton, and started her career on Wall Street. It stuck with her so deeply that she left Wall Street because she simply didn't have that cutthroat attitude and the environment didn't work for her.
As she started to process her career, and focused on mindfulness and self-reflection, she realized that the culture she experienced was just one perspective of the business world. Her awakening moment came to her in the early morning on a beautiful spring day: It doesn't have to be that way.
Jennifer Heflin is a personal development coach with a focus on meditation, mindfulness, emotional mastery and empowerment. She is also the founder of Angels Evolution, a company on a mission to bring personal growth to the business world. You can find Jennifer’s podcast, Embracing Mastery, on iTunes, Spreaker, SoundCloud and YouTube.
Your #Why Doesn't Matter
…seeking your "why" is overrated, and not particularly helpful in finding happiness and fulfillment. Distilling what you believe down to a basic, clear concept is important, but when you think about it, your "why" is likely pretty similar to the people you admire and spend time with.
Find Your What, Find Your Purpose.
"I have to figure out my purpose."
"I'm struggling to find my 'why'."
"I feel like I'm walking through deep sand, lost and with no purpose."
Many of my friends and clients are in transition, and these are the phrases I hear.
This may be controversial... I think seeking your "why" is overrated, and not particularly helpful in finding happiness and fulfillment. Distilling what you believe down to a basic, clear concept is important, but when you think about it, your "why" is likely pretty similar to the people you admire and spend time with.
Here's an example:
“I believe that every human has value and can contribute to our global community...”
Neil Hughes at #NLVDenver
Follow that sentence with anything related to helping people find happiness, and you have a pretty common "why". The values aren't cliché; the words just don't describe you as a unique human.
It's your "what" that is your unique value proposition, not your "why".
I wrote about finding my "what", and the lightning bolt I experienced as a result. Discovering my "what" took me directly to my "why", but that didn't really change anything.
What changed my perspective, my focus for my work and professional development was that by discovering my "what", I found my current purpose.
There's some expectation that when the lightning bolt hits, you'll suddenly and immediately be able to apply your epiphany to improve your income and happiness... and that's pretty unlikely. Though I still feel incredibly energized with my discovery, it takes time to figure out how to apply my "what" to my work, and to everything else in my life. Because if you can't apply your "what" across the spectrum of your life activities, it's probably not your "what".
Confused? Here's my example, my "what":
This epiphany came suddenly, after some major introspection and discussion with trusted friends, but the "what" itself was building over many years. When I realized this truth about my superpower, I was able to look back on years of RSMs to see the pattern.
There are so many things I've been inspired by and interested in, which is part of why finding this was such a challenge. For instance, I've been planning and hosting events since I was 12 years old when I planned a crazy surprise party for my little sister. For a little while, I had a catering business, and at one point in my career I was the director of sales at a hotel, planning and hosting events.
That was when I assumed my superpower was event planning and dove deeply into that activity.
#NLVDenver Session
One of my favorite projects was working with the Montana University System to build a common course numbering system to facilitate simpler transfer of credits for students from system school to system school. I facilitated meetings of faculty and registrars for two years, and heard comments like this after every meeting: "That was the most productive meeting I've ever experienced."
That was when I decided my superpower was facilitation and dove deeply into that activity.
Music practice at home
Our home is a place of comfort for many guests; we don't just feed people, we nourish them. Over the past 20 years, we've had many parties and events in our home, hosted musicians and music jam sessions, and provided solace and comfort to hundreds of guests. At some point:
I assumed my superpower was hospitality and comfort, and dove deeply into those activities.
With my recently uncovered "what" in mind, the pattern emerged.
I was applying this concept all along. My success in planning and hosting events, facilitating meetings, and providing that kind of space in our home was all a result of my superpower - my "what".
It's your turn now.
Here's a strategy to find your "what":
Think back on those times you felt like a rock star; I call those Rock Star Moments (RSMs). I'm talking about specific experiences that left you walking away smiling, knowing you nailed it, and feeling like you really contributed to something greater than yourself. Consider all parts of your life, from very early on, at home, at school, at work, any activity or hobby.
Dig in and write down a phrase or a few sentences to remind you of what happened, who was there, and what you DID, specifically.
Take your time with this exercise. It’s not easy to come up with a list like this. If you are really down, it’s especially hard to find those sparks of light, so ask a few people you trust to share what they believe your super powers are, what experiences they had with you that they thought you really excelled.
Next, as you develop the list (keep adding to it!), start to consider patterns. What is consistent in those experiences? The content or activity itself? The people? The responses of those around you? The impact? What is consistent about what you were providing or doing in those situations?
Start with the exercise here. Create a list of your RSMs. Enlist the help of trusted friends and family. Take your time and be gentle with yourself, and find your pattern.
Find your "what",
so your "why" and "how" will present themselves.
Struggle Stories Help Define Patterns
Code: Opportunity for Personal Growth
After two years in the position, I found myself standing in the bathroom with a tear-stained face... again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make this work? I'm not a particularly emotional person and yet, here I was with swollen eyes and runny nose... again. Why was I letting my boss get to me like this?
This wasn't the first time I found myself struggling with an abusive boss in a bad environment. Just two positions before this one I had another abusive boss. As I stood looking in the mirror, my reflection said it all: You've been in this position before that, too.
I started to look back at all of my jobs, all the way back to being a food server at an IHOP in college. There were some exceptions; I did experience jobs where I was valued, where I thrived and became the professional person I am today. Looking back though, there were far too many similar situations in my past. This was a pattern.
It took some deep self-reflection to come to this conclusion, the most humbling and difficult moment in my career.
I had some complicity here.
What an awful realization. Who wants that kind of answer to a question? No one I know wants to admit they did something wrong or that they played a part in what was wrong with a relationship or job.
I'm not for a second suggesting that bullying and abuse is the fault of the victim.
I'm not for a second suggesting that it is ever okay to treat people badly or that a victim as somehow earned abuse.
there are circumstances and patterns, though, that when we see them in our lives can awaken us to our role in our own success, if we take responsibility as adults and choose to make changes.
I learned a lot of lessons in those 2+ years; I continue to face similar challenges, now I'm more aware of my actions that might be contributing to the problems.
Here are some of the lessons I continue to practice:
- Your contribution may not be necessary or may not add value to the discussion. Stop. Think. Listen. Then decide how or if to weigh in with your thoughts or suggestions.
- Trust is good, but take the time to know a person before you share. Trust your instincts! If you observe characteristics about a person, incorporate those observations into your overall level of trust and figure out with what you can trust each person in the environment. If someone is sharing gossip with you, they're likely sharing gossip about you.
- Related to #2, be careful where you dump (especially if you live in a small town), and DO NOT DUMP at work. The person you want to vent about may be right around the corner and that is simply disrespectful - and you will not like yourself afterward. As bad as it is, it can be worse when you know you've earned some of the scorn. Sometimes you need to share frustrations at work, be careful not to become the person who is constantly griping and complaining.
- Sometimes you have to play the game. Don’t antagonize, especially if it won’t bring you closer to your goal. Always think of your ultimate goal for the relationship and your job. I once hit "send" on an email I knew I shouldn't have sent. It took me about five minutes to feel the consequences and to know how sophomoric I was for sabotaging my own day. That's where I developed the 24 Hour Rule.
- Be aware that your position in the project may not be what you want it to be, find out what's expected for your role and focus! Do your job with all of your skills and energy, and learn what you must to do your job well. My mom once told me that every trial you face will keep coming back until you learn your lesson from it. Remember that it's not forever and that you must "find the nugget" before you can leave.
- Find people you trust and who know you well, but are separate enough from the situation to provide an outside perspective, and ask them for specific ideas about where you should be looking for your next adventure.
- When faced with a difficult situation, reflect on how you would want to perceive it from 20 years in the future. Did you handle it well, with grace, dignity and compassion?
- Sometimes people are just mean. It may be time to call them on it and stand up for yourself and others, or get out.
- My most unpleasant lesson: Figure out how you might be complicit in your own patterns of frustration in jobs and relationships. Until you identify your patterns, you will continue to face similar situations. If every boss, or every romantic partner in your life was the same... the common piece of the puzzle is you.
There are no easy answers.
Be kind to yourself while you work through this. And know that you are a work in progress; what makes you happy and content today will probably change in the future.
Stories as Lessons for What NOT to Do
In some ways we are definitely impacted by the people we surround ourselves with. At the same time, being friendly and respectful of everyone is our responsibility as human beings.
Discerning Patterns and Choosing Change
Sometimes our biggest models in behavior are the worst ones, and if we are paying attention and can stop the patterns in our lives, we can learn who we don't want in be.
How many times have you spoken to a child and thought: "that was my mother's voice! I swore I'd never say THAT!"? You make a decision, then and there, never to do it again. But you do, probably a few more times before the lesson sinks in.
The best managers, leaders, and yes, parents, are the ones who have had those negative experiences and actively, intentionally choose to do things differently.
In this podcast, Mary Schaefer shares a couple of stories of bosses who gave bad advice, and couldn't see the value in treating everyone in the workplace with respect, no matter what their position. One was even convinced that if she interacted in a friendly way with people in the "lower" positions, she'd never get promoted.
In some ways we are definitely impacted by the people we surround ourselves with. At the same time, being friendly and respectful of everyone is our responsibility as human beings. Mary is one of the humans working to bring that word back into the workplace, and she knew when she heard that advice coming from her supervisor's mouth, that she must be true to herself if she wanted to look in the mirror and be okay with what she saw there.
What are you doing as a leader or manager that you learned from another leader or manager? Are those good lessons? Are you emulating the things you disliked about a manager or supervisor? Will you make the effort to do things differently, now that you recognize the patterns?
Mary Schaefer's passion for improving relationships among team members is demonstrated by the success she has had in increasing employee engagement, productivity, and efficiency with her clients.
Mary Schaefer, SHRM-CP, PHR loves helping people at work to get along better, enjoy their work more, develop, succeed and thrive. Visit her company website, Artemis Path, Inc. to learn more.
Please connect with her on LinkedIn to learn more about what she does to improve relationships among team members.
You Think You're A Good Manager?
His supervisor told him that unless he could turn around his team's attitude, he was likely to lose his supervisory role, and that did not bode well for his career aspirations.
Try a New Tactic: Stories to Improve Management Skills
Joe thought he was a pretty good manager. His team was productive and they were hitting deadlines. But then his supervisor pulled him aside to let him know his team had complained about him. He knew there was some tension there, but he didn't know it was serious enough to warrant this discussion. His supervisor told him that unless he could turn around his team's attitude, he was likely to lose his supervisory role, and that did not bode well for his career aspirations.
Instead of being defensive and angry, before he stepped into his meeting with the team, he decided to try something completely different, though it seemed silly when he read this technique in a book about applying Akido lessons to other parts of life.
Not only did his new technique work, he turned that situation completely around.
In this episode of Your Stories Don't Define You, you'll hear his story, and the lessons he learned from the experience. You'll learn the techniques he used not only to diffuse the confrontation, but to change his mindset about the others in the room.
Your employees don't always have to like you, but they do have to know you respect them and trust them to do their work. If you don't, that's an entirely different management issue.
Joe Kwon is the future author of My Cheesy Self-Help Book, which will reveal how finding the flow between our energy and the energy of those around us will help to cut through life's challenges.
He's also an attorney, Aikidoka and shameless consumer of self-help books. He's passionate about coaching and mentoring on career advancement, public speaking, and leadership principles.
You can learn more about his sparkling personality and entertaining communication style of coaching on his website, and be sure to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Exhausted and Frustrated: A Perfect Recipe for Professional Disaster
Marietta Gentles Crawford was exhausted and frustrated. She saw her colleagues sitting around in their shared office, one of them reading a newspaper, when she lost her composure.
Stories Shared to Practice Intentional Behavior
Marietta Gentles Crawford was exhausted and frustrated. She saw her colleagues sitting around in their shared office, one of them reading a newspaper, when she lost her composure.
In louder than necessary tones, she told her colleagues exactly how she felt about how much harder she was working; she lost her cool.
Lucky for her, she had a compassionate boss, and colleagues who were close to her, almost like family, which is why she didn't receive formal discipline. That's also why she was able to recover her relationships with them. But it took time, and she had to learn some hard lessons about pushing herself too hard, and using her words BEFORE hitting her emotional limit.
Marietta is not alone. Many of us have had some sort of breakdown at work, emotions flowing freely, usually against our better judgment. Sometimes I think it's okay to lose your cool; it helps people see you as human, with vulnerabilities they may share. And in some cases, it takes losing emotional control for certain people to realize how serious the issue is. We all know people who miss subtle, indirect cues.
But most of the time, losing that control makes you feel less than professional, and can do irreparable damage to your personal brand.
When you're feeling most frustrated, it's time to take a step back and identify the real issues impacting your days. It's also time to consider what you want out of your next conversation with the person or people you're frustrated with. What is your ultimate goal after confronting the situation?
Listen to this conversation with Marietta Gentles Crawford for some strategies she used after learning the hard lesson of needing to be intentional in your communication.
Marietta Gentles Crawford is the author of From Nine to Thrive, a Guide to Building Your Personal Brand and Elevating Your Career. She's also a personal brand strategist who inspires professionals to brand with purpose, and thrive with passion.
She’s been writing since being a quirky 12-year-old who read women’s magazines and played with words. She still loves words. Her writing appears in The Huffington Post, Thrive Global, and Lifehack, among other publications.
Marietta is a converted city girl who lives in New York City with her husband. If you want more inspiration and resources from Marietta, sign up for her mailing list at www.maribrandsforyou.com, connect with her on LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter: @Maribrands4you.
Podcast: Is Imposter Syndrome Defining Your Internal Stories?
In other words, when you're outwardly successful, but often feel like a fraud, like at some point everyone will know about the "real" you.
Sarah Elkins | Your Stories Don't Define You | episode 2
Imposter syndrome, according to Cambridge dictionary online, is "the feeling that your achievements are not real, or that you do not deserve praise or success."
Sharing a story at Tell Us Something, Helena, Montana, April 2017
In other words, when you're outwardly successful, but often feel like a fraud, like at some point everyone will know about the "real" you.
There have been major studies about this phenomena, and great articles have been written to describe outwardly, wildly successful people who suffer from it. The article says that a person with imposter syndrome attaches almost exclusively external factors to their success, e.g. I was in the right place at the right time, I was fortunate to..., the opportunity landed in my lap, etc. While they attribute their failures internally, e.g. I'm not smart enough, I wasn't paying enough attention, etc.
Then there are those who turn it completely around, the non-imposter syndrome professionals who attribute their success almost entirely to their own intelligence, beauty, savvy, etc., and their failures are all externally driven, e.g. he didn't want me to succeed, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, if only ---- had happened, etc. There's a Harvard Business Review article about overcoming imposter syndrome, placing the internal messages right up front in dealing with those minimizing thoughts.
I think there's a lot more to this. People who don't acknowledge the external contributing factors to their success, who describe themselves as "self made", are missing a major component of humility and humanity. No one is self-made, literally. But way beyond that, we have to consider genetics, family economic status, public utilities (if you're a manufacturer, guaranteed you use public roads to distribute your goods), education (even in the poorest communities, there are some fantastic, motivated educators), and access to mentors. Some people are driven by spite, so even a negative influence contributed to your success.
There are also those factors that contribute to failure: Do you acknowledge the internal factors? If you cannot take responsibility for those things you didn't succeed with, you're missing great opportunities for growth and connection with others. Blaming outside, external forces for failure means you do not acknowledge those moments when you were truly human. Where does that leave you?
Your internal messages come from all of your experiences, from your very early interactions, through your young adulthood. It's no wonder those messages are hard to fight; we're hard-wired to keep those messages, once they're placed in our heads. They've created pathways in our brain. It can be impossible to change them if you aren't aware of them, or where they came from.
I was walking through the open space of a friend's dorm with her, and two VERY tall basketball players stopped to say hello. One of them asked me out, and I said no thanks.
He put his huge hands on my hips and easily lifted me to set me down on top of a vending machine. I was in a sundress, the vending machine was very tall, and there was no way I could jump down.
I blushed deep pink and asked him to help me down. He laughed:
I'll help you down if you say you'll go out with me.
I shook my head no, and stared directly at his friend, the one I knew to be a nice guy.
Dude. That's not cool. Get her down from there.
He didn't, so his friend helped me down and apologized. When he put me down, I looked up (WAY up) at the culprit and said:
I. AM. NOT. A. TOY. Don't EVER do that again - to anyone.
They walked away, and I could hear the nice guy giving the other one a hard time. I was furious.
That wasn't the first time someone picked me up without my permission. As a matter of fact, it had happened many times. In elementary school, everyone wanted to give me piggy-back rides. In high school, I was asked to play one of the very young daughters in Fiddler on the Roof, though I had auditioned for a speaking, singing role.
Why? Because I'm small. I was lucky to pass 5' my freshman year of college; highly unusual for a girl to grow that late in life, but I did, and thank goodness. All I wanted was to outgrow my mother! But it's not just my height. When I graduated from college, I still weighed under 100 pounds. I couldn't find women's shoes in size 4.5 or 5, making professional outfits very difficult to complete.
I know this can sound really awesome, and it is in most ways; I am generally the most comfortable person on an airplane. Being small also means looking young, at least it does for me. The last time I was ID'd at a bar I was 41 years old. But when I was a professional in my late 20s and early 30s, looking young did not help me at all in getting others to take me seriously. In one meeting I was facilitating, a women in her 50s was dismissive toward me until I found an opportunity to share my age with the group. She looked at me, startled, and suddenly began to pay attention to me.
When a good friend recently heard about a trip I was taking, we were visiting about my expectations, and my concerns about it. I said: "It feels weird, Callie, like I'm just little Sarah from Montana, what do I have to contribute to this group?" I wasn't entirely serious; I know my value and I know I can make a difference in any situation. But that little voice spoke up, and it had to come from somewhere, right? She looked at me, a little shocked, and said: "Sarah. NO ONE thinks of you as little Sarah. NO ONE."
It took me a while to process that conversation; I had to dig into why I had that self-limiting voice still speaking to me. That's when I realized it has a lot to do with my size, and the way I was perceived because of it. When I meet someone and I'm sitting down, they are always visibly surprised to see how petite I am when I stand up. Clearly the way I'm presenting myself is much taller than my actual height.
Before my 20th high school reunion, I had dreams that I was in my old school, wandering through the halls saying hello to people. The weird thing was that I was much taller in my dream. I woke up a little disappointed, until I realized that's how I saw myself now, not as a physically taller person, but taller in stature.
A friend recently described himself as big and goofy, and I asked him where that came from, because that's not at all how I see him. He told me a story about having moved in 5th grade, and having to establish himself somehow in the new school. He found great success in being goofy; the other students responded to that silly, self-deprecating behavior, and he was able to make friends. Or, at least he could make his classmates laugh with him, rather than at him.
It got me thinking about how these childhood and young adulthood perceptions and words we used to describe ourselves - and others used to describe us - impact our current potential and success. It also got me thinking - again - about imposter syndrome and how to deal with it.
Up until recently, I thought I suffered from imposter syndrome. Now I'm thinking those internal messages are more an identity issue, a confidence issue. I attribute my success equally to hard work, experience, and introspection, and to the support network I have, the fortune of being born where and who I am, and to the relatively low-drama household in which I was raised. What I realized is that I'm not alone in feeling like a kid, like I'm just pretending to be a grown-up, and doing grown-up things. The other thing I realized is that I like that about myself, and those who relate to that sensation. It keeps us youthful, curious, adventurous, and optimistic.
What stories are you still telling yourself that are simply no longer true? Are those stories yours, or do they belong to someone else? Are you holding onto certain perceptions because they worked for you at some point? Is it time to let them go?