Desperate for Real Connection
Confirmation? Another suicide in our small town.
We’re reeling from another teenage suicide in our little town. That’s the second in as many months, and they were friends. I saw a picture of the two high school juniors together, taken just a few days before the first decided to end her life.
Teens have always faced an especially rough emotional time, but what has changed in our communities to explain the huge rise in suicides and clinical depression? It’s not just teenagers, either.
There’s no simple answer; it’s a complex problem, and it will take complex strategies to change this dynamic. But there are reasons for the increase, and there are things we can do, as individuals and as communities, to make a difference every day.
We are forgetting how to connect in person, and we’re not teaching that to our children.
That means that when we are in face-to-face situations, we don’t know how to share important feelings and concerns.
It’s easier to share those concerns online, behind a screen and keyboard, and not have to be accountable for our words.
Sharing things online that you wouldn’t share in person makes it easier for you to pretend like you’ve addressed your loneliness and fears. But you haven’t, if you’re not dealing with them in real life, in person.
Here’s my observation: Though we feel connected to our contacts on social media and through our devices, we are missing key contact points. I have very close connections with people I’ve never met in person, I love them, and I believe in those relationships. We can get a lot out of our virtual connections, and I’m grateful for the incredible encouragement, kindness, and genuine care I’ve received over the years through those online friendships.
There are details, small, subtle details that come with a face-to-face conversation that are impossible to compare to our online discussions. There is a limit to what online relationships can provide in real life. Without a hug, a pat on the back, a handshake, we are missing the humanity in our relationships.
When we are face-to-face with another being, we are not only seeing the fine lines in their faces, their smiles, assessing whether they are being genuine. We are not only sensing their feelings toward us, the eye contact, and the body language.
There are many cues we receive subconsciously when we are face-to-face, including scent, micro-expressions, and more.
We are getting closer, every day, to having AI emulate almost all aspects of our human relationships. So what is the difference between us and machines, if we feel like our online relationships are enough for us?
People are desperate for real connections with real people, and most of us don’t even know it. Some people believe that their online relationships are enough, until they just aren’t. Our online relationships can only go so far, and can only make us feel alive and connected for a brief period of time.
Eventually, loneliness sets in.
As human beings, we are designed to touch, to sense with our fingers and skin. We are designed for real contact through touch of hands, hugs, sight, and scent. Ask anyone who has studied this aspect of our brain activity; read Happy Hour with Einstein by Melissa Hughes for a basic understanding of the impact of touch on our neural pathways.
Or just search online with keywords brain, touch, science.
Where we’re seeing this play out is in our children. Thanks to what they’re seeing on social media feeds, they are experiencing more polarization among us, and less real contact, fewer effective, interactive conversations.
When I was a teenager, I spent hours on the phone with friends, and… boys. We would whisper into our phones until the middle of the night when one parent or another would pick up and say: “GET OFF THE PHONE! IT’S 2AM!” Those were not face-to-face, but they were real connections, hearing a real voice on the other end of the line. Those late-night phone calls have been replaced with late-night texts.
Why is that a bad thing? Because we all know how difficult it can be to read and write tone into a message. We’ve experienced miscommunication face-to-face, imagine how far this can go in text messages!
The Disconnect Between Us and Our Human Nature
If you read articles or books about brain activity, human development, and about human connection, you’ve seen references to Harlow’s Monkeys, a study done on infant monkeys and the strong need they demonstrated for life-like touch as nourishment. It was a horrible experiment, devastating to anyone who has a heart that beats for love of other beings. It was also an important study that acknowledged the need for warm, physical contact among living creatures, particularly infants.
On my previous post, Desperate for Real Connection, my friend Donna-Luisa wrote about her relationship with her teenage children:
As a person who grew up without all the technological interfacing it seemed hard to understand and appreciate how ‘young people’ socialize. I decided to change the view from the outside looking in and step into their ‘imaginary world’ as I called it then. From the inside looking out I saw the changing times and understood my parenting perspective needed to change.
She’s right, communication has changed. I get frustrated when hear generalizations about generations, but there are some stark differences between the digital native generations and those that came before. My son eloquently argued his case that gaming designers are artists. He reminded me that at one time, digital art and digital design weren’t considered art, and that even film making was, at one time, dismissed as an art form.
We need to change how we teach and model our behavior, based on the differences in how our children communicate.
Digital natives communicate differently, and we must respect those differences. Just like every generation before us, each thinks they’re unique, and each older generation makes judgments about the younger ones.
But there are also similarities. The human need for physical touch and experiences in nature have not changed.
I miss talking to him on the phone, but I miss being near him more.
As parents, educators, and humans, tolerate the chipping away at availability of human contact and experiences in the natural world, we risk more than losing people to loneliness, depression and suicide, we risk losing our humanity.
I live in Montana, which is probably one of the best places to live in terms of access to nature. That’s why I’m often surprised to hear about people, particularly children and teens, who don’t walk on the mountain trails so accessible in our town. We have more open space and parks in our little town than we do buildings, and yet, when I asked our teenagers if they think their friends and peers spend enough time outside, they describe many of their friends as “gamers who don’t see sunlight for days at a time.”
Introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, our humanity depends on our relationships with others.
That includes physical proximity and interaction. If we don’t prioritize our relationships through listening, sharing our vulnerability, and yes, hugging, we will find our isolation and loneliness increasing. If you’re wondering about the impact of artificial intelligence on our humanity, that’s where you’ll see it, in increasing loneliness because of our reliance on technology for our human relationships.
Tell me this commercial isn’t frightening:
Verizon 5GB Plan TV Commercial, '5GB for $55'
Chances are people often pay for data they never use. Recognizing how expensive unlimited plans can be, Verizon is…ispot.tv
Not only is it dangerous to walk your dog along a waterway while staring deeply into your phone, your relationship with your dog is pathetic.
If you think I’m over-reacting, watch people walking around town. Go to a playground, the local library, the airport, restaurants, and watch people with their families, children, and colleagues. This is really scary, if you’re paying attention. I once had to yell at a father with his toddler, because he was watching his phone as his toddler nearly walked into a busy street.
Being online all the time poses real, physical risk; it also poses real risk in our relationships with each other. When parents and other adults are deeply engrossed in their digital lives, they are not modeling conversation and face-to-face interaction for children and other people around them.
Where will children and teens learn how to interact with people, if not from their parents and other adults in their lives?
There is hope. In an article by Neil Hughes, I was reminded that there are times that technology can be used to strengthen our face-to-face relationships.
My challenge to our digital native generations: Develop tools to leverage technology to improve our face-to-face, in-person interactions. I’ll bet we can find ways to gamify this. Like Pokemon Go, but with encouragement to actually talk to people and to “look up”.
What can we do about this? How do we change this trajectory? I have a few ideas, and I’d love to hear from you.
First things first, put down the device you’re reading this on, and go talk to your children/friends/partner. Focus on the conversation to listen, not to respond, and make sure you have a plan for more of this kind of interaction every single day.
Time in nature is healing and refreshing. Schedule outdoor adventures.
Next? Find ways to meet up with those people you connect with online. I’m challenging you to reach out of your comfort zone and remember how to connect face-to-face. If you are afraid that your real-life personality and image won’t match up to the expectations of your online friendships, you’re probably talking to the wrong people.
Take the risk, enjoy the benefits of either a true friendship, or the lessons learned from a mismatch.
Believing our online relationships are enough for us is like believing we can gain weight by smelling the desserts in the bakery case.
If you write on topics related to suicide, there are great resources available to make sure you are doing more good than harm. As a relatively uninformed professional on this topic, I use this website, ReportingSuicide.Org as a resource.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call 1–800–273–8255
Available 24 hours everyday
A Hero's Story Doesn't Have to be Epic
One thing people seem to misunderstand about being a storyteller, or simply about sharing stories, is that a story doesn't have to be flashy or exciting to make it interesting. As a matter of fact, most people prefer stories they can relate to, that they find humor in, and that connect with them on an emotional level.
It Just Has to be Meaningful and Well Told
One thing people seem to misunderstand about being a storyteller, or simply about sharing stories, is that a story doesn't have to be flashy or exciting to make it interesting. It doesn't have to involve celebrities or risk of life and limb. As a matter of fact, most people prefer stories they can relate to, that they find humor in, and that connect with them on an emotional level.
These are aspects of storytelling that really lend themselves well to video; when we share a story on video, as opposed to in writing or audio-only, we share our facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, all on a potentially much larger scale than face-to-face performance.
Jason and Matt from Beard & Bowler are very familiar with emotionally connecting stories, and are masters at uncovering personal, heroic stories and sharing them with the world. Though that wasn't what they thought they'd be doing with their lives, they have taken on this task with great competence and ambition.
Their first hero story was when they realized they were really on to something. Jason's experience as a journalist was what pushed him to seek out these hero stories. He got tired of every story being sad and full of grief; he realized not only was he becoming cynical and accustomed to a similar tragic story every day, he also realized that those stories were self-fulfilling, and that the more we shared them, the more it would become common to experience them. That's when he decided to look for the good stories, the stories of people being compassionate, generous, and making a positive difference in their communities. And not just the big, well-known, celebrity style stories. Jason and Matt look for the stories of people within companies that make great ambassadors both as employees and as people.
Listen to the podcast to hear where this motivation comes from, you might be surprised.
Visit the Beard & Bowler website to learn more about what they do and how they do it, and connect with Jason and Matt on LinkedIn.
Stories Through Generations: How Our Family History Shapes Our Internal Narrative
As often happens in these conversations, we took some twists and turns from topic to topic, and somehow found our way back to the original theme of the podcast: Our family history shapes us, and if we don't share those stories, we not only leave gaping holes in our understanding of ourselves, we lose our connection to other humans.
The popularity of DNA and geneology tests and apps is a big indication that people are interested to know where they came from. We all have different reasons for wanting to know; many simply want to know what genetic predispositions they may face as they age, or have children. More of us are curious because we define ourselves by our stories, our backgrounds, and the people who came before us.
As a child, I remember sitting at our dinner table and hearing stories of our grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and distant cousins from the past. Some stories were funny, others were fascinating in their unfamiliar use of language and a time so different from ours. In our family, the narrative was that we were from Russia on both sides, and that our great grandparents all came from a similar part of the world. When I heard stories of my great-grandmother coming to America with her three daughters, her husband left behind for health reasons, and living with her brother just scraping by, I have a vivid picture in my head.
And when I doubt myself or feel less than brave or strong, I think of that great-grandmother and her resilience, perseverance, courage and resourcefulness. It gives me comfort, knowing that DNA was passed on to me, and that if she could survive intense hardship and grief, so can I.
Wendy Weiner Runge shares other people's stories through film as a producer. Her recent project, R4CH43L, is a Holocaust story with a tragic ending, as most are. What I wanted to know was how her family history shaped her perspective in telling the story of R4CH43L, which is not her own family's story.
As often happens in these conversations, we took some twists and turns from topic to topic, and somehow found our way back to the original theme of the podcast: Our family history shapes us, and if we don't share those stories, we not only leave gaping holes in our understanding of ourselves, we lose our connection to other humans.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this conversation.
Wendy Weiner Runge is a spirited writer, experienced film and television producer, ebullient story teller, and proud collector of amazing people. With her partner, Noah Bewley, they are producing a diverse slate of films, including R4CH43L and the films, video games and graphic novel series of the JOURN3Y trilogy:
💥Crossing To Existence, ⛓Collecting The Hidden, and 🔥Ceasing The Darkness.
If her stories resonate with you, and you're interested in learning more about what she does and how she magically creates the world around her, connect with her on LinkedIn, and consider supporting the production of this important film, R4CH43L.
Your Brain on Stories: How Stories Impact Your World View
He was sitting in the school library with his friends on a rainy day, laughing and getting the negative attention of the staff. Picking up a random novel from the shelf to hide behind and pretend to read, a sentence actually caught his attention, and he was completely transported to the world of Dune.
Impacts of Hearing and Writing Other People's Stories
He was sitting in the school library with his friends on a rainy day, laughing and getting the negative attention of the staff. Picking up a random novel from the shelf to hide behind and pretend to read, a sentence actually caught his attention, and he was transported to the world of Dune.
It was the third in the series, and when he finished it, he went back to read the first two. That fateful rainy day changed how David Amerland saw his world, and his future in it. The premise behind Dune, written in 1965 is incredibly relevant today. Like so many of our most cherished science fiction novels, we’re seeing ominous signals of our future, strangely mirroring our wildest science fiction fantasies of the past.
In Dune, the people of the future are like computers, our minds are what drive development, not the opposite, as we see today. And that’s what David saw in his future; recognizing the incredible power of the human brain, and how it’s impacted by what we observe, consciously and unconsciously.
Our thoughts and behaviors are shaped by our perceptions of all of our interactions, experiences, and observations of our stories, and we’re also shaped by other people’s stories that we hear and read. Many iterations of “rags to riches” stories capture our attention, not because they are our stories, but because we are motivated and enthralled by the stories we want to relate to. When we hear or read about the struggles, obstacles, and successes of others, we can see ourselves in those stories, even if our experiences are completely different. It’s the emotion – the feelings – behind the stories that capture our attention, not necessarily the actual experiences.
Recent studies have shown that hearing someone tell a story triggers specific activity in our brains. When we hear a story being told, the active part of our brain is the same active part of the brain as the person who is telling the story. In other words, if I share a story really well, I can get others to practically experience it.
There’s more to it, of course, involving release of oxytocin in the brain. You can read more here, and here.
Listen to this fascinating conversation with David Amerland, and let us know your thoughts in the comments.
David Amerland is an international speaker, author and business journalist. He's also a gypsy careerist (like me), because his interests span the spectrum of science and humanity. His recently published book, The Sniper Mind, takes mindfulness and focus techniques that are critical to success in that arena, and applies those techniques to professional and personal success. I'm a little conflicted with this idea, and at the same time, totally intrigued by it.
Enjoyed the podcast? Read about David on his website, connect with him on LinkedIn, and buy his book.
Expectations: Fuel for Resentment, or Critical Growth Factor?
The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Others Can Wreak Havoc in Relationships
When Melissa Hughes talks about expectations, she puts them into four categories:
- Expectations of yourself
- Expectations for yourself
- Expectations of others
- Expectations for others
As an educator, she knows that students will be more successful when a teacher has high expectations of them. She also knows that expectations, when not managed and understood, can fuel resentment in a relationship.
What's really fascinating is that when an expectation isn't met, it can have devastating effects, so devastating that our brain reacts in the same way as when we feel physical pain.
Feel good neural transmitters are released when our expectations are met - and they drop dramatically when our expectations are NOT met, especially when it is a surprise to us.
We tell ourselves stories of the people around us, stories of what we believe they will do, no matter what evidence we have about our past experience with them. Listen to the conversation to learn more.
Melissa Hughes is a talented speaker, and author of Happy Hour with Einstein. To learn more about her talents with every different kind of audience, visit her website. And be sure to connect with her on LinkedIn, and follow her on YouTube to be notified of her upcoming engagements, blog and video posts, and book releases.
Every Interaction is an Opportunity
Our first son was slow with words, and fast with walking and climbing. He was pulling himself up stairs before he was actively crawling and could climb walls as soon as he could walk, literally; he climbed walls using the baseboard to begin his ascent.
Modeling Behavior to Change the Story
Our first son was slow with words, and fast with walking and climbing. He was pulling himself up stairs before he was actively crawling and could climb walls as soon as he could walk, literally; he climbed walls using the baseboard to begin his ascent.
When he was a year old, I noticed that when I handed him something or helped him with something, he would say "dee-dah" in a sing-song voice "dee-dah!" It was different from his "da", which meant he wanted something, that word sounded like "that." He didn't have words or sentences, but if you have experience with little children, you know sometimes you can understand certain phrases before they sound like words.
I called my mother and she heard him say "dee-dah" when I handed him a cracker. "What is he saying?" I told her I didn't know. She said "it sounds like he's saying thank you!" “Maybe, mom; that might be what he’s saying.” I decided to test her theory. For the rest of the day, I paid more attention as I handed him food or something else he asked for. He absolutely was using that phrase in the correct context for thank you. I called my mother later that day to tell her she was right. I said: “I didn't know he knew that phrase! I hadn't been working with him on that one, though I we definitely worked on please.
“He is saying that because he hears you saying that to people, and he hears you and his father saying that to each other.”
What a great thing to hear from someone you respect and admire, right? It felt pretty good, in terms of being confident in my parenting, to know our son was picking up what I think is a really good habit – pleases and thank yous. I felt just a tiny bit smug about my parenting.
I became a bit more aware and intentional about what I was saying around him after that, but wasn’t entirely aware, which is why I was caught off-guard a year or so later at a grocery store.
I was visiting family in the Baltimore area, and my cousin and I took Jacob along to pick up some groceries. They had that new grocery cart with the truck front and basket back, so kids could pretend they were driving. When we walked in and Jacob saw it, his eyes brightened and he pointed to ask if we could take that cart. “Of course”, I said; it was such a great idea, and we didn’t have those carts in Montana yet.
It was seconds after he got in to drive, and I started to push the cart toward the produce, when he said very loudly:
“Come ON, buddy!”
I blushed and glanced over at my cousin, laughing, and she said: “It could have been worse, right?” That was when I realized how much of what we were saying and doing made impressions on our children. If you have children, I’m sure you have those embarrassing stories of them sharing things they heard that you were mortified to hear them share.
Years ago, I had a boss who was a skilled manipulator. She is very smart, and very ambitious, but not confident or comfortable in her skin. She treated me with incredible cruelty, figuring out my most sensitive anxieties and poking them regularly. It was a horrible 2+ years, but not just because of the abuse. I made it worse because I found I was behaving like she behaved, and I started to seriously dislike myself. She was modeling her abusive behavior, and I was picking it up like my children picked up MY cues.
It hadn’t occurred to me before that experience that even as adults, we’re constantly observing the people around us and picking up their subtle behavioral cues. Some with in intention – others… not so much.
When visiting a friend’s house last summer, I thanked her for hosting our small group of friends, and let her know how lovely the snacks looked on the serving plates.
“That’s something I picked up from you and Bob! Every time I come to your house, even unannounced, you have something nice to put out and you always offer me a drink shortly after I walk in the door. I love that, and realized I wanted people to feel at my house the way I feel when I’m at yours.”
Ah... My brain started to focus on what her compliment meant to me, beyond the honor of being emulated for something I love to do, and find great satisfaction in – hosting people. It took me a while to process what I heard, and to apply it to a bigger theory.
As I’ve said many times, in relation to customer service and personal brand, we are all ambassadors for our people. How we behave around others is watched, and though it’s not fair, our behavior is often associated with different aspects of our visible presence. At any given moment, I’m representing women, mothers, Montanans, Jews, and whatever else my appearance and speech may give away.
What I present to the world can have a positive or negative impact on others like me. There aren’t many Jewish people here in Montana, and I’ve heard more than once “you don’t LOOK Jewish” and “I met a Jewish guy once, he was such an asshole”, and my favorite - because it’s so absurd: “I LOVE Jewish people!”
Those interactions and how I handle them can be the difference between this person passing along their bias or bigotry – or not.
Another thing I’ve noticed that relates to this idea of being an ambassador:
We are role models for the people around us – and not just children.
People watch how we behave, and when they see something they like, they may internalize that behavior and emulate it. Sometimes it’s a subconscious response, like the way our facial expressions often mirror those of the person in front of us. And sometimes, like my friend who loved being hosted at my house emulating that at her house, it’s very intentional.
When I observe a particularly impressive handling of conflict by someone, I’ll process it for a little while to figure out if I can emulate that response. And when I had young children, I watched other mothers to see what worked, and what I definitely DID NOT want to emulate.
What we do, how we behave, matters.
If we want to see things change in the world, and I believe from the many rants and stories I read every day online that we do, we have to start with us.
As a public employee, I received many calls like this: “My neighbor wakes me up at 6am on Saturday by mowing his lawn! Isn’t there a noise ordinance?”
“Yes, there’s a noise ordinance, and from 6am – 11pm, the limit is 55 decibels. But rather than call the police to come measure the noise, have you considered approaching your neighbor and asking why he’s mowing at 6am? Maybe he has a good reason, and maybe you can find a solution together. I find that when I approach my neighbors with respect, and rather than complain, ask questions to share the responsibility to find a solution, they respond really well.”
People are afraid of conflict. They don’t want to approach a neighbor or stranger, so they escalate the issue by calling the city or the police. Or they complain online, spewing negative energy and making things worse. They’re modeling that behavior to a huge audience.
Most of these situations could easily be resolved if we approached them with consideration and an open mind. Model the behavior you want to see, and people will notice the success you have in certain situations. And maybe, just maybe, that will be the beginning of a trend where, instead of adding to the negative energy, we can be proactive in finding solutions.
It’s not about being a Pollyanna, seeing only the positive, or being Facebook fake by sharing only the good stuff. It’s about choosing the behavior you want to see in the world around you, and demonstrating it.
If you want to be around people who are respectful and kind, smart and ambitious, model those behaviors. (Especially around people who DO NOT demonstrate those things. When you behave the way they behave, you’re condoning their behavior.)
If you want people around you to introduce themselves when they walk in the door, with a firm handshake and clearly enunciating their name, model that.
If you want people to hold the door open for you when your hands are full, let you into traffic when the lane ends, or give you space when walking across the street, DO THOSE THINGS.
If you want to hear please and thank you from people, say please and thank you.
If you want to change the negative tendencies online, don’t post or share that energy. There are always people who will try to bate you into that negative space. Don’t let them.
What do you want to see in the world around you?
Are you modeling that?
An Unlikely Foundation for Optimism
Some Stories Teach Us the Wrong Lessons - At First
When she was a teenager, Jennifer Heflin overheard a conversation between her parents that gave her the impression the only way to succeed in business is to be aggressive, unkind, and ruthless.
That was the story she told herself as she completed her MBA at Wharton, and started her career on Wall Street. It stuck with her so deeply that she left Wall Street because she simply didn't have that cutthroat attitude and the environment didn't work for her.
As she started to process her career, and focused on mindfulness and self-reflection, she realized that the culture she experienced was just one perspective of the business world. Her awakening moment came to her in the early morning on a beautiful spring day: It doesn't have to be that way.
Jennifer Heflin is a personal development coach with a focus on meditation, mindfulness, emotional mastery and empowerment. She is also the founder of Angels Evolution, a company on a mission to bring personal growth to the business world. You can find Jennifer’s podcast, Embracing Mastery, on iTunes, Spreaker, SoundCloud and YouTube.