Episode 90: How You Tell a Story May Limit Your Potential for Learning From It
Sharing Your Story with the Right Person Makes a Difference
My book, based on this podcast, is designed to help walk you through a similar process as my podcast guests experience, to help you identify specific points in your life that can become some of your best stories to share.
The stories you share matter. They color your memories and self-confidence, they help create your internal messages, and they impact the perception people have of you. This book will help you uncover those stories that continue to shape your internal perceptions and relationships.
The preorder campaign, similar to a Kickstarter campaign, but for books, was extended by a few days because I am so close to reaching my goal of 250 books sold! To order your copy and take advantage of the early investor bonuses included, click here:
Panting, stopping to breathe and get my heartrate back to a reasonable pace, I looked up ahead to more steep climbing up the mountain. Then I looked down at the path I had just hiked up and smiled. It was a rigorous hike and I hadn’t really planned to take such a hard trail to the summit this time.
The dog needed water, so I stopped in a shady spot just off the trail to fill his bowl and let him rehydrate. It’s nice to have the dog around as an excuse to stop and catch my breath again. With his heavy fur coat, he’s even less comfortable than I am on this nearly 80 degree day before noon. But he’s just as happy as I am to be outside on our mountain.
Taking one last look back, I started up another steep climb, knowing I wasn’t far from the summit.
As I listened to the randomly shuffled song that came through my headphones, I had to stop again to look up and down from the middle of the steep climb:
Glory glory, halleluiah,
The sun is shining, shining down
Glory glory, halleluiah,
I’m alive, and I’m feeling, feeling fine.
Hearing those words sung by JJ Grey, I started thinking about what compelled me to take this hard route to the top of the mountain. My top strengths, according to the Gallup assessment, didn’t include Achiever or Competition, two of the themes I could imagine would drive someone to do what I was doing. So what was it?
It was in that moment I realized character has little to do with any assessment results.
I use my strengths to develop my character, not the other way around.
It had been a tough morning, which is why I knew I needed to hike. Getting outside always helps me clear my head and make sense of things. The email I received was cruel and unprofessional, a response to what I considered very reasonable requests for information. Words clouded my vision as I walked up the mountain, feeling attacked, defensive, angry, and self-conscious.
Had I failed in this assignment? Was it my work that triggered this unprofessional, rude response? I felt my confidence start to slip back down the mountain behind me.
Pushing myself harder, pressing my feet solidly into the slippery, rocky trail, I ascended another steep 15 feet of the mountain.
I felt nothing but exhilaration and pride as I took a step onto the rocks at the summit. Looking down, I could imagine myself when I was partway up the mountain, panting, pushing, and clearing the frustration and anxiety out of my way.
Now that I was at the top and looking back down, the path still looked crazy hard, but the feelings of inadequacy at the mid-point were no longer with me.
It was the next day, as I was telling a friend about my inspiration on the mountain that I realized I had missed a big part of the lesson.
I told her the story with my optimistic nature showing in full force, using those words that popped into my head as I sweated and panted up the steepest part of the mountain: Persistence, resilience, grit.
“… shame, feelings of inadequacy, self-punishment…”
Damn. As she added those words, I realized she was right. I didn’t take that hard route simply because I was demonstrating resilience and grit. I was punishing myself for what I thought I had done wrong. I was pushing away the shame I felt as I remembered the words in the email. I was proving to myself that I WAS resilient, strong, and even if I failed at one thing, I would be DAMN SURE NOT TO FAIL at this.
Our conversation shifted from why we punish ourselves to why it mattered. After all, punishing myself by climbing up a mountain had to be one of the healthiest and constructive ways to do that, right?
Well, yes. Knowing WHY I was pushing myself so hard matters. If I’m working away these feelings, these frustrations, giving those feelings a name will help me address them, specifically, rather than blowing off arbitrary steam.
When we know the why behind our actions, we can be more intentional about not only processing our feelings behind those actions, we open our minds to learn the necessary lessons the experience can teach us.
I shared the story of my hike with my friend so I could talk through thoughts I knew could contribute to life lessons, to apply my thoughts to actual improvement in future similar situations. When we tell a story like this to a friend, we create arbitrary constraints around the experience, we create a box for the story to fit into based on prior experience. That means we look for what we want to see, set limits for understanding the context of our stories, and miss all kinds of potential for lessons and growth. But when we share the story with the right friend, they might just ask the questions we need to ask ourselves – the harder questions – and that conversation is likely to remove some of those constraints.
In the book The Art of Possibility, a gift I received from my friend Jeff Ikler, the very first chapter is about exactly that: Based on past experience, we make assumptions that create a box, or constraints, for ourselves. I made assumptions based on my optimistic nature, assumptions about the reason behind the negative email I had received, assumptions about the lessons I was meant to learn from the experience. Not all of those assumptions are bad things, necessarily, but without some opportunity to question them and work through the stories I was telling myself, I may have limited my potential for personal growth.
Who do you have in your life that helps you work through this kind of internal message? Which of your friends or acquaintances can you count on to help you ask yourself the tough questions, and get the most out of an experience? If you can’t think of anyone right away, be intentional about building relationships with the people who can help you process your thoughts and experiences. People you can trust, be vulnerable with, and who will add positive support and encouragement. Self-reflection is a great start, but if you’re not expanding that reflection by sharing it with people you trust, you’re limiting your opportunities to apply that self-reflection, deepen it, and improve your communication and relationships as a result.
Episode 89: Ending the Mental Illness Stigma One Story at a Time
Illness Might Just Be a Misnomer: Learn to Love Your Special Talents
Dale Morris caught my attention a few years ago on LinkedIn with his headline: “If you’re trying to think outside of the box, you’re still constrained by the box.”
I thought for days about that. Although I believe constraints often lead to extraordinary creativity, some of us don’t think in the context of constraints. We don’t know what we don’t know, so we try things others might think were impossible. Our older son and I are perfect examples of that. When we get an idea in our heads, we don’t think about what wouldn’t work. We think about what WILL work. When it comes to the idea of thinking outside of a box, we’re more likely to think: “Wait. Was there a box? Was I supposed to do something with a box? Damn. A box?” Sometimes that works against us, other times, it definitely works in our favor.
Dale is one of those people who doesn’t even consider why something won’t work, he just moves forward with his idea. That’s why he’s so good at what he does, both in art and in IT work.
We shared a great discussion about the possibility that certain diagnoses we call mental illness might actually be evolutionary shifts to address our very real over-stimulating environments. We also talked about how some people choose to see a diagnoses in the light of possibility - using that different way of thinking to be really good at certain tasks and jobs.
I especially loved the part of our conversation about Dale’s art when he was in college. He had a literature professor who required an essay about a work by an American author within a specific time period. Because of his differently-abled mind, he struggled with the essay. She offered to adjust his assignment: Paint your feelings about a work of literature.
He selected the protagonist from Steinbeck’s The Chrysanthemums. I won’t spoil the story by sharing it here, just listen.
Connect with Dale on LinkedIn to learn more about his extraordinary talent in un-puzzling IT puzzles.
Episode 88: Great Adventures Often Begin with Zero Preparation
Until very recently, women working in traditionally male roles like ranching and agriculture had to either wear clothes for men that simply didn’t fit, or women’s clothes they knew wouldn’t last or protect them properly.
The Story of Work Clothes for Women is Born of Necessity, and Raised in an Airstream
Until very recently, women working in traditionally male roles like ranching and agriculture had to either wear clothes for men that simply didn’t fit, or women’s clothes they knew wouldn’t last or protect them properly.
Sarah Calhoun saw a need in the market and found a way to fill it. Her story begins with her childhood, growing up on a llama farm with her sister, and works its way across the country with direct sales out of an Airstream RV. Red Ants Pants was born of necessity and raised by working women across the country. And not just any working women: Women who work in rural America on ranches and farms, and who never had clothes made to fit them that would protect their skin when working in tough environments.
I was intrigued about her background and motivation after a friend shared her website with me, a page in the Red Ants Pants Foundation about a girl’s leadership program. We talked about why she started this program for young women heading into their junior year of high school in rural Montana. And I heard some great stories about starting a business with almost zero preparation.
Check out the Red Ants Pants website, the Foundation website, and don’t miss the one devoted to building women leaders in rural America.
Episode 87: Share Stories and OWN Your Talents
Al Swanson has always been an outdoorsy guy, so much that his first plan out of high school was to study turf management. Yes, turf management. His interest began with a manager who was on the cutting edge of sustainable, ecologically healthy golf course management. That manager was way ahead of his time, and Al knew it.
Don’t tell people what you’re good at. Demonstrate it with a story!
Al Swanson in his studio in Helena, Montana
Al Swanson has always been an outdoorsy guy, so much that his first plan out of high school was to study turf management. Yes, turf management. His interest began with a manager who was on the cutting edge of sustainable, ecologically healthy golf course management. That manager was way ahead of his time, and Al knew it. That experience is part of what inspired him to continue his work as a sustainable craftsman.
A back injury prevented him from taking his degree to work, so to speak, and after a few learning opportunities, he came back to his roots (so to speak), in woodworking with sustainably harvested trees.
Al Swanson’s Shop, Helena, Montana
Delicious beer from Lewis & Clark Brewing Company
We spoke at his shop in Helena, Montana, while sipping some local beers with the extraordinary scent of cedar and pine all around us.
There are two reasons I asked Al to be a guest on the podcast. One was that during our last conversation, he told me a story about running into some people at a brewery in Phillipsburg, Montana, and having a moment of celebrity status - and owning it. I was intrigued with his idea about being comfortable with that feeling and choosing to be exactly what your admirers expect you to be. It’s not about being a know-it-all, or any kind of superiority. It’s about owning what you’re awesome at, knowing you’re still growing and learning, and acknowledging and appreciating it when people recognize your magic.
Al is well known for his fly fishing accessories, but he developed his reputation for fine art and craftsmanship in his furniture business. That’s how I met him; I coveted an absolutely stunning piece he had donated to an auction for our Prickly Pear Land Trust annual event, the Harvest Moon Banquet.
Fly boxes custom made for Patagonia
The other reason I asked Al to chat with me was that his work is truly extraordinary, and I wanted to learn more about his motivation behind what he does. We share the theory that when we provide a service or product, it’s the details that make your work unique. Similar to my conversation with Rocky Connell, the artisan bread maker at Park Avenue Bakery, we spoke about the energy we put into everything we do.
In Al’s case, a huge part of receiving a piece built by him is how he packages the gift. It’s all about the experience, not just the beautiful artistry in the piece itself. Al includes cedar, hand shaved into fragrant, curly, fine strips in the box. When that box is opened, the receiver is instantly transported to the shop where the piece was made, with a sense of belonging and longing for the forest where the wood was harvested.
One of the great stories he shared was about how he was inspired to create fly fishing accessories, many are available thanks to his relationship with Orvis. Because of Al’s generous spirit, he fixed a broken landing net (used to carefully scoop up a fish after catching it) that was meaningful to a young man who happened to walk into the A.L. Swanson gallery in downtown Helena. That young man was about to join the leadership team at Orvis.
Episode 86: The Importance of Inauthenticity with Mark Bowden
Mark Bowden’s TEDxToronto in 2013 had a huge impact on how I think about authenticity. As I was laboring over my book, Your Stories Don’t Define You, I realized the influence that talk has had on me over the past 5 years in my work with coaching clients. When I encourage people to step out of their comfort zones to discover their hidden talents and joy, I often refer to Mark’s work.
You Don’t Know How Amazing You Can Be. Stories You Tell May Be Limiting Your Growth and Success
Mark Bowden, Truthplane
Mark Bowden’s TEDxToronto in 2013 had a huge impact on how I think about authenticity. As I was laboring over my book, Your Stories Don’t Define You, I realized the influence that talk has had on me over the past 5 years in my work with coaching clients. When I encourage people to step out of their comfort zones to discover their hidden talents and joy, I often refer to Mark’s work.
As always, I asked my guest to share something about himself that most people don’t know, something we wouldn’t find in his bio or his LinkedIn profile, something he hasn’t written in one of his many books and articles, something that would connect our audience to him in a personal and intriguing way. He did not disappoint! Mark has been a traditional Morris Dancer for many years. I had to do a little digging into this because I was completely unfamiliar, and I’m so glad I did! Here’s an example from YouTube:
Our conversation centered on why Mark believes authenticity isn’t something everyone should strive for, necessarily. What I loved about this discussion was what seemed like a direct conflict with so much of what is being written and talked about in relation to that word: Authenticity.
As we explored Mark’s work, I realized it isn’t necessarily in conflict. For instance, though Kimberly Davis’ book, Brave Leadership, centers around the word authenticity, she states: “Your brave unfolds one situation at a time.” Mark and I spoke a little about that, but using the word authenticity instead of brave. “Your authenticity is discovered one situation at a time.”
Mark spoke about the two major dangers in trying to define authenticity or use it as a litmus test for personal behavior:
Authenticity Shaming - This has become even more common, and a much bigger issue as we use authenticity as a buzzword across all aspects of life. How can we make a judgment about what is authentic for someone else? It’s like telling someone their feelings aren’t valid; we cannot know what is authentic for anyone but ourselves.
Authenticity as an Excuse - How many times have you heard someone say they chose not to take a certain path because it didn’t “feel authentic?” The danger in focusing on a solid, foundational definition of personal authenticity is the limits that places on you in terms of growth and adaptability. If you decide one version of you is your authentic self, where does that leave you in terms of curiosity and stepping out of your comfort zone?
Mark got particularly excited when he spoke about his mentor, Robert Anton Wilson, philosopher, author, and playwright. He mentioned Orson Well’s movie, F is for Fake, and the Banksy film, Exit Through the Gift Shop, in the context of making judgments about what is fake vs. what is real, and the philosophy that when we see things as black and white we will experience the death of intelligence. The key to the concepts here is that oftentimes when you’re in the midst of transformation, you may not feel like your own authentic self. Building your Self takes time and curiosity, and sometimes it gets broken and rebuilt in the midst of major transformation. One of his early memories of exploring the concept of Self as a growing, changing, very personal experience is when he worked with Phillippe Gaulier, a brilliant and controversial figure in British theatre.
Many quotes from the conversation are memorable, and I particularly appreciated our discussion of the depth of beauty and humanity in Jim Henson’s The Muppet Show. Here’s one I’ll hold onto forever.
Another one that struck me was this: “Coincidence, traced back far enough, becomes inevitability.” Found in a Hindu Temple near New Delhi, India.
Learn more about Mark Bowden, and visit the Truthplane website to contact him.
Expert Body Language Keynote Speaker Mark Bowden
Voted the #1 Body Language Professional in the world for two years running, Mark Bowden is passionate about giving your audience the most influential and persuasive communication techniques to stand out, win trust, and gain credibility every time they speak. Inspiring, energetic, engaging, and entirely entertaining, Mark’s memorable talks and training programs not only educate but have proven life-changing in helping people and organizations grow across all industries and sectors.
Mark’s work is consistently invaluable to sales and leadership teams, CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, and prime ministers of G7 powers. His highly acclaimed TEDx talk has reached millions of people, and he has presented to many of the biggest, coolest, and most innovative organizations in the world, including Shopify, Dell, Viacom, RBC, Fidelity, Amex, Unilever, Daimler, Microsoft, Toyota, VW, Samsung, KPMG, GSK, Walmart, Nestle, and even Real Madrid.
Episode 85: What Feels Like Internal Conflicts Are Likely Close Connections
Caroline Mays felt conflicted, almost like she had two completely separate lives. She had her life on the road as an endurance runner, with a group of peers and friends she could share all the aches, pains, and achievements of that sport. And she had her life as a writer, with other writers and friends she could share the disappointments, obstacles, and accomplishments in her work.
Conflicting Personal Stories Uncover Depth of Personality
Caroline Mays felt conflicted, almost like she had two completely separate lives. She had her life on the road as an endurance runner, with a group of peers and friends she could share all the aches, pains, and achievements of that sport. And she had her life as a writer, with other writers and friends she could share the disappointments, obstacles, and accomplishments in her work.
Deadline August 31, 2019!
Don't miss this opportunity to preorder my book, Your Stories Don't Define You, How You Tell Them Will. I'm offering valuable bonuses for the purchase of multiple copies, including one-to-one storytelling coaching sessions with me!
Click here for more information about the book, and to preorder your copies.
It seemed to her the two pieces of her life were always in conflict; few athletes she knew were professional writers, and few professional writers she knew were athletes.
But as she worked through her own brand theories and intentions, she realized those two parts were not in conflict, they ran in parallels.
Caroline is a writer of bios for professionals, but that doesn't even come close to describing what she does. That would be like saying Meryl Streep is an actress. There is so much more to the art and style Caroline employs to create a unique and compelling bio, in writing and via video storytelling.
Here's her bio, as an example:
To really stand out, we have to know how to share those unique parts of us, the parts that might at first look conflicting or mismatched. The best way to do that is to tell a story that connects us not only within our own lives, but to connect us with others.
Our conversation was broad and deep, and we spoke about everything from her endurance running to the why behind what we do with storytelling for our clients. One thing we agreed strongly about was that people often misunderstand their own stories, sharing them as if they were a linear experience, one thing happens, and then the next, without any context for what we learn and how we grow in between.
Connect with Caroline on LinkedIn to learn more, and check out her company’s website, Switchblade Lemonade, making waves, thanks to that powerful video.
Episode 84: Never Try to Be Something You're Not
You wouldn’t think that word could cause such discouragement and frustration.
Focus.
It was the Women’s Leadership Retreat in early January, and my first experience on a board of a community organization. I was that year’s Vice President, and my primary responsibility for the year was to organize, coordinate, and host the annual conference that fall.
When You Know Your Limits, You Uncover Your Strengths
You know how important stories are in effective communication, but did you know that the stories you choose to share, and how you choose to share them have a huge impact on your internal messages, and in how you’re being perceived by the people around you?
This book will help you identify pivot points in your life – those moments that really shape who you are and why, and can help you figure out where certain damaging internal messages came from. When you understand that, you can find patterns in your life and address those messages and communication challenges that are limiting your success at work and in your relationships.
Focus
You wouldn’t think that word could cause such discouragement and frustration.
Focus.
It was the Women’s Leadership Retreat in early January, and my first experience on a board of a community organization. I was that year’s Vice President, and my primary responsibility for the year was to organize, coordinate, and host the annual conference that fall.
That evening over our dinner in that beautiful lodge just outside of White Sulpher Springs, Montana surrounded by encouraging, inspiring women, Mary, our Past President, told us about her family’s New Year tradition:
We each pick a single word to focus on for the year. That is a word which helps us prioritize our activities, and our choices in how we spend our time. My word this year is “healing.” Last year was a hard one for me, and I don’t feel like I’ve spent enough time recovering from those difficult situations. This year, I’ll be paying attention to healing from those painful experiences. Every choice I make in terms of how I spend my time will be viewed through that one word.
Each of us in the room took some time to think about this, and to offer our word for the year. Cassie, the incoming President, and I both picked the word FOCUS. We picked it for different reasons; she had jumped into multiple businesses the previous year and was running herself ragged with kids and work. She had been offered many exciting opportunities, and felt compelled to accept them without really considering the impact on her health and happiness. Cassie decided on FOCUS as a word to help her prioritize which opportunities she would take, and which she would reject with grace.
For me, the word focus had more to do with my inability to stop multitasking. It was about the way I went about my days, flitting from one thing to the next and not spending uninterrupted, focused time on any one thing. I was the queen of distraction, and wanted to address that weakness.
I wrote FOCUS on small sticky notes and placed them on my monitor at work, my laptop at home, on the bathroom mirror, and even on the dashboard of my car. Every once in a while I would switch them up on different colored paper, doodle drawings around the written word, and different colors of markers, because I know our brains start to ignore the things we get used to seeing.
The entire year was spent looking at that word, working hard to remember to focus on one thing at a time… and failing.
Literally – for an entire year I tried hard to be someone who could focus on something for longer periods of time, and consistently beat myself up over not being able to do that.
January came around again, and this time I was President of Women’s Leadership Network, Helena, and it was my turn to host the annual new board retreat. I told Mary’s story about her family tradition and asked the board members to think about their word for 2018. I started:
“My word this year, like last year, is FOCUS. I failed miserably in 2017 with my word, but this year will be different. I’m going to make this work! I may need your help, though, so please be my accountability partners?”
We went around the table after dinner; everyone shared their word for 2018 with enthusiasm, eager to use this tool to help prioritize time and energy.
Focus.
Focus.
Focus.
I tried hard, with a variety of tools, and by March was highly discouraged, frustrated with myself, and felt like a failure in that part of my life. By April I had completely given up, had thrown away all the sticky notes and other reminders, and beat myself up over it for weeks. We are our own worst critics, right?
In mid 2018 I took the StrengthsFinders assessment and wasn’t at all surprised by my results.
Of 34 themes, FOCUS is number 29.
The lightbulb went on. Memories of my best, most effective studying times came back in a rush: Sitting in a coffee shop or busy student center in college, just enough activity around me to keep my brain focused on the textbook or notes in front of me, and intermittent interruptions of friends stopping to say hi, or a nice waiter/waitress offering more coffee.
Focus is NOT one of my top strengths. I beat myself up for a year and a half for trying hard to be something I’m not. It was like hating myself for not being a famous basketball player – I’m just over five feet tall and probably the least coordinated musician you’ll ever know.
One of the things I love most about my work as a communication coach is the time I’ve spent being coached. (I believe strongly that you cannot be a great coach without getting great coaching.) And what I’ve really enjoyed in my 150+ of hours coaching using the StrengthsFinders tool is the “ah ha” moments I’ve experienced with my clients.
The beauty in knowing your strengths, those go-to skills that you use so naturally to solve problems and build relationships, is that you also know what doesn’twork for you. I see the word focus these days, and I laugh out loud, imagining myself trying a jump shot at the basketball court across the street. Uh uh. Not going to happen.
That doesn’t mean I never have a use for focus, it just means I have to use my innate strengths to achieve the same goal, I have to do things differently to get from point A to point B. Rather than hunker down in a quiet spot to focus, I think strategically about what it’s going to take, what helpful vs. harmful distractions I’ll experience, and how long the task is likely to take if I include the breaks I need to recharge and return to the project.
Hint: It’ll take LESS time if I use my strengths, rather than try to force myself to focus in a way that doesn’t come naturally to me.
Now it’s your turn:
What do you beat yourself up over that you have no natural, innate ability? Is there another way to accomplish a goal, other than to force-fit yourself into a specific method of doing things?
If you’re interested in figuring out what your top strengths are, I published a post & podcast called “What is your top strength?” that offers some ideas to help you identify your top strengths. When you know them, you might just be able to apply what you learn to do what you do even better.
Or better yet, I’m accepting new coaching clients now, individuals & teams; contact me for more information!