Episode 113: Stories that Create and Build Life-Long Friendships

It’s a Different Kind of Love in Life-Long Friendship

I went to four different elementary schools, moved from Washington DC to Denver, then to Los Angeles, and then back to Colorado in Colorado Springs just before starting junior high. My closest friends were always my siblings because we moved so much in those early days.

But in 2nd grade, I met Amorisa Lynn at Devonshire Elementary School in Chatsworth, CA. We were best friends immediately because we had SO much in common. We were both tiny, and had long, very straight, very fine brown hair. And in 2nd grade, that’s all it takes.

I remember when a boy who liked her broke her pinky finger. Again, 2nd grade.

And I remember going to her home after school and for sleepovers. Her Taiwanese grandmother lived with them, and would fix us snacks and Ramen noodles - and wouldn’t let me use a fork or spoon - so I learned to use chopsticks like a natural.

Aimee, Sarah, Gwenda (Aimee’s little sister) - 1978, Chatsworth, California

Amorisa moved around even more often than I did, so our long-term friendship seems even more unlikely.

Aimee remembers lots of things I had forgotten, like the fact that I taught her how to flip an egg in a skillet, and how to make “Super Eggies”, which are typically known as egg-in-a-nest.

The strange part about our long friendship is that we only lived in the same place for a very brief amount of time. After 2nd grade I switched schools, then she moved away from our neighborhood. She finally got back to our neighborhood at the beginning of 6th grade and started school at the same school I attended, but then I moved, two weeks into the school year, to Colorado Springs.

We kept in touch all those years the old fashioned way - as Pen Pals. Yes, we wrote letters to each other throughout elementary school, junior high, and high school. We visited each other a few times, traveling across the country by ourselves and living as part of each other’s families for a few weeks at a time during the summer.

Here we are, nearly 43 years later, spending a weekend together in Cayucos, California, where my husband and I decided to rent a beach house for a month to work remotely in a place where we didn’t have to shovel snow.

Panorama fun in Cayucos, CA February 2020

I took the opportunity to record this episode of Your Stories Don’t Define You with Aimee, all about friendship, our friendship, and the idea of friendship itself, while we were together. This is the first time in at least 20 years that we’ve had time to spend together like this, and we took full advantage of every moment. And just like any other true friendship, we picked up right where we left off, never skipping a beat, like no time had passed between visits. The only evidence being a few gray hairs and images of grown children.

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Amorisa Lynn Denzel is a freelance artist living in Ventura, California.

Photo of a painting by Amorisa Lynn Denzel

Episode 112: Why Do We Believe Lyrics?

Lyrics Create Powerful Internal Connections through Stories and Emotion

“...but it’s the little things, the little things,
not expectations
that make life worth living, worth living.”

— JJ Grey

Spare Change at On Broadway, Helena, Montana (Photo credit, Angie Fiskum)

Those were the lyrics I was hearing in my head over and over again as I processed the previous two weeks of drama at our house. My husband had discovered this song by JJ Grey and Mofro, and had suggested we work on it to perform with one of our bands.

The first time we practiced that song, it was everything in me to sing it without tears dripping down my cheeks. The soulfulness that JJ Grey infuses as he performs it, through his tone, his phrasing, and his emotion, is captivating and heartbreaking.

I hadn't heard of JJ Grey before we started learning that song, but it didn't take long for me to find a few songs that were equally powerful.

As I performed it for the first time at a gig, I closed my eyes as I reached the chorus:

“Glory glory, hallelujah
The sun is shining, shining down
Glory glory, hallelujah
I’m alive, and I’m feeling, feeling fine.”

— JJ Grey

I opened my eyes and the restaurant had become very quiet. Many of the conversations had stopped momentarily, and I noticed the host and a server standing at the edge of the dining room, listening. For the first time that evening, I had the attention of the busy customers and staff. Finishing the song, I could see from the expressions that the song hit its mark.

Later that evening, as I was visiting with another musician who had come to support us, she asked me about the song. “I could tell it was really meaningful to you, Sarah.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about the response of the audience to that song as I tried to go to sleep that night. It struck me how powerful lyrics can be, and I started to wonder what it is about songs, lyrics, poems, and other forms of art that reach into your heart and soul and grip them in fierce joy and devastating sorrow.

What is it about music and lyrics that make us BELIEVE them? Why is it that we believe that there is truth in them, without any knowledge of the songwriter's credentials? Is he a psychoanalyst? How does she KNOW?

Think about the song you listen to when you’re sad, when you’re happy, the music that helps you process experiences. They tell stories with messages in them, and for some reason, even with no data or research to support the assertions, we believe them. Why?

Maybe it’s the fact that they speak to a human condition, common themes that we experience in life, isolation, pain, love, heartbreak. All the things we experience on a unique, individual level, but that resonate across all human life - even as we say: “You don’t understand” to someone who tries to help.

Spare Change at Draughtworks, Missoula, Montana 2019

Isn’t it puzzling that we respond in that way, to our parents, to our friends, “you don’t understand”, but then listen to a song written by a total stranger and find great comfort that he or she understands, even when the lyrics have nothing in common with our actual, individual experience?

My friend Trent doesn’t believe in empathy, and I can understand why. He says that when we say: “I know how you feel,” we’re shifting the conversation and making it about ourselves. How can we possibly know how someone feels if we cannot hear the internal voice that’s screaming at them?

And yet… we know, thanks to neuroscience, that we often cannot help mirroring - reflecting the emotions of another person. Which is basically the definition of empathy. But that’s not actually FEELING what someone else is feeling. It’s reflecting our version of their emotion, based on our own experience and internal messaging.

I do believe in empathy. I believe some people can actually feel what another is feeling, in terms of emotion, otherwise music and lyrics simply wouldn’t have the impact they have on us. And I don’t believe empathy is something we can or should teach. I would much prefer to help people learn compassion by learning to observe the emotions in others, and maybe have a sense through those observations about their happiness and pain through our own lens of experience.

Lyrics and music speaks to our humanity, our common language of the spectrum of emotion from euphoria to sorrow, bringing us comfort by demonstrating, through the songwriter and performer, that we are not alone in this world, that someone, somewhere went through something similar and came out on the other side.

I’m a big believer in identifying theme songs for different situations in our lives, selecting songs that speak to us when we’re feeling insecure, sad, lonely, or absurdly happy and satisfied.

I’ve found that when I have my theme song in my head, James Brown’s I Feel Good, before I step in front of an audience for a keynote, my energy is almost immediately transferred to the people in front of me.

What will your theme song be the next time you’re stepping out of your comfort zone? What lyrics will you have in your head that bring you comfort, that you believe to be absolutely true, to know you’re not alone as you step into the spotlight?

Episode 111: Learning by Trial and Error

And Teaching Others By Example

Dr. Liz Stincelli knew the traditional training format didn’t work for her. She had taken plenty of coursework on training and education, and used the traditional method of standing in front of a classroom and presenting material, and had been somewhat successful.

She knew two things right away:

1. That format didn’t help HER learn.

2. That format didn’t make her feel successful or engaged with the participants.

So she changed it up. Her story is inspiring at many levels, the first being that she took a risk to change a tradition, and the second that she continued her quest to improve training despite setbacks and what I lovingly call “opportunities for improvement.”

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Connect with Liz on LinkedIn to learn more about her, and to follow the great content she writes and shares!

Episode 110: If That's Not Nice, I Don't Know What Is - Kurt Vonnegut

To Balance Bad Memories with Good Ones, We Must Actively Acknowledge the Good Stuff in Daily Life

Right after reading an article by Stephen Moegling, I walked into our living room, took a deep, satisfied breath, and took in the scene: Our older son, 21, was on the floor, snuggling our giant chocolate lab mix in front of a beautiful fire in the wood stove. Then I thought to myself: “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”

Then I went back to my computer and reached out to Stephen via LinkedIn, asking him if he’d please be a guest on my podcast. He said yes.

He’s just as warm and kind as his article gave the impression. We spent an hour talking about how he came to write the article, the changes he experienced as he addressed his stress during his divorce through a brilliant counselor, Frank, and the result of years of practicing the mindfulness strategies Frank taught him.

Stephen didn’t always have this calm and relatively easy-going presence. He describes his pre-mindful life as stressed, high-strung, type A, dissatisfied and generally unhappy. But what I experienced during our call was the opposite, I’d describe him using my sister’s phrase, baseline happy.

What can cause that kind of transformation? Being mindful of the good things in life, which doesn’t necessarily come naturally. According to the article, our brains hold onto those things we pay attention to, and it’s human nature to pay attention to the negative things that happen in our lives. We replay those old, negative memories/stories over and over again, creating almost permanent neural pathways around the emotions that accompany those memories.

But what if, like Kurt Vonnegut suggests, we notice those happy, satisfying moments. What if we stopped for just a few seconds to really take in the goodness around us, noticing how we feel, and creating a strong mental image of that satisfaction?

Listen into our conversation to hear how he was able to transform his mindset and his life, the stories he shares now to help others, and the beautiful way he now sees the world around him.

Thanks to friends Kimberly Davis and Melissa Hughes for sharing Stephen’s article on Facebook!

Episode 109: The Microwave Generation

Distraction May Not Be the Opposite of Focus - Why Boredom is a Good Thing

It was somewhere in the late 1970s when my father came home with a microwave oven. Definitely one of the first on our block and huge, my father proudly showed it to my mom as the "next great invention."

We had no idea what to do with it, though the booklet had recipes, and settings to defrost meats and soften butter. I remember using it regularly to heat up our frozen vegetables, peas, corn, green beans. I also remember experimenting with the defrost feature, and failing miserably, cooking to death a beautiful steak or a pound of ground beef to devastating effects -- precious commodities because money was tight. We made scrambled eggs a few times, but cleaning the crusty containers was a hassle so we didn't do that very often.

When my parents splurged on a baby sitter for a date night, I remember the excitement of getting to pick out special frozen dinners at the store, made especially for heating in the microwave. Full of salt and fat, they were such a luxury for me and my siblings. Ick. We would walk through the frozen food aisle, gazing longingly at the variety of Swanson's and Banquet options, knowing we had to avoid any in foil containers, which was most of them.

When we would find a few "Now in Microwaveable Containers!", we would excitedly pull them from the reach-in freezer and read the directions on the back of the package. While I was perfectly happy to pick one that read "hot and ready to eat in 18 minutes", my younger sister would compromise on her selection to get one that took less time, maybe 15 or 16 minutes.

A few years later, as the microwave generation started to take off and find its way through the frozen food aisle, I remember looking at the back of the package and returning it to the freezer if it said anything more than 12 minutes. Those 6 minutes meant hot food even faster! It was also a signal, now that I can see it from a few decades into the future, that our tolerance for waiting for anything had dropped dramatically, in a very short amount of time.

Solitaire is my go-to distraction.

We don't use the microwave for TV dinners or other prepared food in our household now, except for the occasional Hot Pocket snuck into the house by one of our boys, but we do use it (very carefully) to defrost meats & fish, to warm up leftovers and frozen peas, and to soften butter and boil water. When we upgraded our old microwave a couple of years ago, I was pleasantly surprised to find the technology had improved so much that I could now boil water in under 3 minutes.

Oh dear.

This is why I call my generation the microwave generation. Every time we improve our technology and make things move faster, we decrease our tolerance and patience for waiting. You do NOT want to see me at Sea World or LEGOLAND these days.

What about you? Have you noticed a decrease in your tolerance for waiting -- for everything? What do you attribute that to? Do you find it more and more difficult to settle in and wait for things?

I noticed a while ago that people, myself included, avoid boredom by picking up their devices, phone, laptop, tablet, when they’re waiting for anything. My go-to is whatever version of Solitair is handy, or maybe scrolling through Facebook, checking my email, etc.

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Outside of Lewistown, Montana - 7+ hour road trip can lead to major boredom!

What we’re doing, though, is limiting our opportunities to be mindful, to exploring our thoughts and letting our minds wander and explore. Why is that important?

I recently read an article by Jamie Ducharme on the Time website about boredom and its relationship to creativity and innovation. The author suggested that one of the critical factors in our lack of creativity is the fact that we have so much distraction available to us, that we’re rarely bored.

“If you’re waiting for brilliance to strike, try getting bored first. That’s the takeaway of a study published recently in the journal Academy of Management Discoveries, which found that boredom can spark individual productivity and creativity.” (Link to the article.)

The author suggested that we allow ourselves to sit with boredom when we experience it, to choose not to pick up our phone while waiting at a railroad crossing – or while we’re on the toilet. He suggested that when we allow ourselves to be bored for a little while, our brains start to wake up again, to start that slow whirring of idea creation, to begin to take a detour from our regular patterns of thought and explore different perspectives – it gives our brains the space to be creative again.

Distraction isn’t necessarily the opposite of focus, and mindfulness isn’t actually about focus, specifically. Mindfulness is about allowing your thoughts to shift, while coming back periodically to the moment, to paying attention to your physical body, and changing your relationship with those thoughts that cross your mind.

My friend Shelley Brown talks about mindfulness in a truly applied, accessible way. She suggests that when we stop to consider where our thoughts come from, to take a few moments to think about the thought from the perspective of someone on the outside looking in, we can see the reality behind the thoughts, which may be totally based in fear, unrealistic in their assumptions, and damaging to our relationships with ourselves and others. Perhaps if we give ourselves opportunities to be bored, we can also take a little time between a frustrating experience or conversation – and how we choose to respond to it.

There is that moment, after all, between stimulus and response, where we can choose how we see that stimulus. When something happens, like waking up to six inches of snow and single digit temperatures in April, we can choose how we respond to it. I can choose to see it as negative, positive, or neutral. My first reaction is usually: “No! I’m so sick of winter!” But if I take a moment to consider how I want to respond, I realize that the weather isn’t good or bad – it just IS, and I have no control over it.

I think it’s important to allow ourselves a negative response sometimes, at least for a few minutes, but after taking some time to be mindful of our emotions, we do have a choice.

The next time you’re waiting in line for your Starbucks pumpkin spiced latte, waiting for the download of the latest operating system update, or waiting for the water to boil in the microwave to make tea, try not to open the game or email or social media app on your phone. Instead, let your mind wander. Let thoughts come and go, like clouds shifting overhead. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll have an “ah ha” moment, a brilliant idea, a realization about how to solve a major problem you’ve been grappling with.

Use your short attention span to practice mindfulness – rather than finding distraction while you’re waiting, try being bored for a few minutes. Yes, really. It may be just the thing to help you find what you’re looking for.

Episode 105: What Works in Distributed Teams: Stories of Growth & Learning

Our Human Workplace Requires Clear Communication Systems

John O’Duinn, author of Distributed Teams

John O’Duinn (pronounced Oh.Dinn) is an engineer, and he sees everything in life as a system. That means that with every problem he experiences or obstacle he needs to address, he sees it not as a stand-alone issue, but as part of something bigger. He understands how to dig into a problem by seeing it from a larger perspective, that a solution must address the overall health of a system, not just one small part of it.

This unique way of seeing things makes him really good at problem-solving, and made him exactly the right person to write about remote workers, what makes remote work appealing and beneficial, and how to make remote working effective. His book, Distributed Teams, dives deeply into the benefits of remote teams, and then gives step-by-step guidelines to make remote working a successful endeavor.

There is so much to consider when hiring people, building a business, and setting up for an intentional culture, and one of those decisions must be whether to require people to work in a specific physical office location. It’s not easy to create a culture of communication in terms of clear processes and rules, but it’s critical as a company grows beyond 4-6 people, whether you’re sharing an office or whether your team is distributed.

My biggest take-away from the book is the dramatic improvement in the diversity of workplaces when remote working is an option and well-planned and executed. There were so many interesting parts to this conversation with John, and I came away from it with a huge appreciation for that aspect of his book and our discussion. There is plenty of evidence to support the value of diverse workplaces in terms of innovation, productivity, problem-solving and the resulting bottom-line improvement. This conversation, plus John’s book, make an excellent case for increasing the opportunities for people to work remotely, on distributed teams.

He referred to a study funded by the World Bank on urban mobility, which took place in Buenos Aires. Here’s the piece that we discussed:

If women are indeed constrained to smaller commutes, it also means they have access to fewer employment opportunities – with inevitable consequences on their wage rates and related labor market outcomes. 

To read the full article, click here.

Connect with John on LinkedIn, and I highly recommend you check out his book, Distributed Teams, whether you’re a remote worker, work from home, or simply want to improve your team’s communication and processes. John referred to a book by Michael Lopp, Managing Humans, which can be found here.

Episode 92: Active Listening: The Power of Unlocking the Stories of Others

Build Trust, Connect, and Deepen Your Relationships

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Yellowstone Alliance Adventure Camp

I love my work. Every client, every group brings new challenges and learning to me. I had an incredible opportunity to work with dependents of National Guardsmen who had been, or were currently deployed. The woman who hired me described the students as resilient, curious, and full of compassion. And when I met them that day, I completely agreed with her assessment. I’ve never worked with a group quite like these teenagers. They were welcoming, warm, and very bright. Every one of them had something to contribute to each conversation I facilitated, when I left, I had more hope than ever for the future of our communities.

When we started the workshop, I talked about personal brand, being an ambassador for your people – no matter who you represented at any given time, to any audience. We discussed how we can share specific stories about our experiences in order to demonstrate the qualities we want to demonstrate to an audience, whether that’s a friend, family member, in an interview, or any other situation. 

It was the last hour of our time together, and time to focus on listening, rather than sharing.

We were sitting in a large circle on white folding chairs, 12 teenagers between 13 and 17 years old, talking about storytelling and active listening.

I had described some of the techniques I use for active listening, like repeating words back to people to make sure I understand them, leaning forward, and making sure my body language is open and approachable, but I knew a demonstration would be more effective for the group.

Turning my chair to face the boy sitting to my right, a shy athlete with his arms crossed over his chest, I started to ask him questions. I leaned forward slightly, my hands relaxed on my lap. I was fully present, and as I started the conversation, my full attention was on him, the others just faded away for me.

“I know you love sports, and that you’ve had some great moments playing baseball and football. What else do you do?”

“Not much. Hang out with friends, I guess.”

“Do you have a dog?”

“Yes.”

“What’s your dog’s name?”

“Henry.”

Australian Shepherd/Lab Mix: Aussiedor

“Henry! What a great name for a dog. What is his breed?”

“He’s an Australian Shephard/lab mix.”

“I bet he’s really sweet. How do you spend time with him? Walks? Snuggles?”

“We walk together almost every day.” He smiled subtly, just the edges of his lips turning upward.

“I’ll bet you really love Henry and he loves you! Did you get him as a puppy, or did you adopt him?”

“We got him when he was only 8 weeks old.”

“Oh, how sweet. Was he super snuggly with you back then?”

“Yes.”
“Do you miss his snuggly puppy days?”

He smiled sweetly this time, an obvious grin at the memory of Henry as a puppy. That’s when his hands dropped into his lap, relaxed.

“I love puppies, even though they’re a lot of work. Did you train Henry to do any tricks?

“Yes, he’s really smart. One time I taught him to...”

He went on, sharing a story of how he trained his dog to do a trick. We wrapped up the conversation, and I turned my chair to face the rest of the group.

“Anyone notice what happened there?”

Almost immediately, and almost in unison, the teens said:

“Yes! He put his hands down from crossing them across his chest! He dropped his hands into his lap.”

I couldn’t have planned a better demonstration of the power of active listening, and that audience immediately understood that power when they saw the shift in their friend’s body language. They had spent a lot of time with him but hadn’t heard the story of how he trained his dog to do a trick.

If we want to truly connect with a person, we have to help them feel safe. One of the best ways to do that is to open our body language and ask questions to draw out stories.