It's the Shoes. Trust Me.

I was in high school when I stopped wearing shoes. There was probably a reason, as far as reason goes when you're in high school, but I can't imagine any reason beyond pushing my mother's buttons.

My feet were tough and thick with calluses from the moment the snow melted in Colorado until the first frost hit. I would carry my shoes, just in case I needed them to be allowed into a store or restaurant. From my sophomore year of high school until I graduated from Colorado State University in Fort Collins, I was known for my bare feet. As an exchange student my sophomore year, I even hitchhiked by myself through New Zealand with bare feet. I'm pretty sure I was the only business major with bare feet and cut-off jeans. When I was walking through Moby Gym with my father, getting ready to graduate, we ran into a few of my professors and I was happy to introduce them to my dad.

Oh my! We were just placing bets on whether Sarah would wear shoes to cross the graduation stage.

When I think back on that interchange, I like to remember my dad smiling good naturedly, and not totally embarrassed, but I really don't recall his reaction. I smiled and lifted my graduation robe enough to show some pretty pumps. It was December, I was definitely wearing shoes.

I moved to Washington DC for a paid internship immediately following graduation. My father drove with me across the country in my little Chevette with my cat on the floor under the passenger seat. Of course I wore shoes every day to my job with the US International Trade Commission; as soon as the weather warmed a bit, you could find me wandering on weekends through the District, shoes in hand. I think back on that time and I'm totally disgusted. Really, Sarah? Barefoot in Washington DC? It didn't take long for me to change my ways. Not only is it gross to walk barefoot on the streets and sidewalks in a big city, it gets very, very hot.

Shoes were simply a function of getting dressed back then. I had my basic pumps in black and navy for work, and my casual sandals and tennis shoes for weekends, and that was about it. I absentmindedly put on two different colored shoes on my first day of work at a new job... but that story is all it's own.

Shoes didn't become anything important -- or even more than a passing thought - until I took my first job in sales.

As the director of sales at a downtown boutique hotel, I had the opportunity to dress up and be a little creative in my style. In my time working with clients and staff at the hotel, I noticed a distinct difference in how I was being perceived and treated when I wore shoes with a heel height of two inches or more. Observation has always been a strength of mine, and I took notes about the phenomena for a few weeks; it wasn't a serious scientific study, but the conclusions were obvious to me.

Shoes come with attitude for some of us. When I was struggling with a difficult boss, my dear friend sent me a package with this note in it:

Wear these bright yellow sandals and bring your own sunshine to work this week! - Let the haters hate!

They were three inch platform strappy yellow sandals and yes, I did wear them to work. My attitude was decidedly improved that day. Sometimes a little cue to catch my eye can work wonders on my internal dialogue. It's like a little spark of distraction; a reminder of who I am, and that while I cannot control someone else's behavior, I won't let it define me and my behavior.

Someone recently shared an article describing financial advantages of being tall; there are other studies to show that tall women are generally more successful in business. (I like to point out that I am one of the most comfortable people on any airplane, a distinct advantage when traveling.)

Though my titles haven't included the word "sales" since then, I've continued my observations about the differences when I'm a little bit taller, in how I believe I am perceived based on the treatment I receive by others.

I've come to some conclusions that have helped me over the past few years and I'm hopeful that those observations and strategies will help others. Here's one that I've shared a lot recently and have heard some great reviews following experiences by those who've tried it:

When you are planning your wardrobe for an event, meeting, or other important date, start with your shoes. Your shoes are the foundation of your wardrobe. Find shoes that make you feel good about the way you walk, the way you stand, the way you carry yourself. Invest in shoes that are comfortable AND that offer an indication of your style. Build your outfit around your shoes.

Try this strategy soon, and please comment and let me know your thoughts after you do your own experiment!

I know it sounds like a small detail, and it IS a small detail in the scheme of things. Like many other small details, like the grip of your handshake, the wrinkles around your eyes when you smile, and holding a door open for someone behind you, this one matters.

Sharing stories is a great way to communicate. Listen to my recent podcast to learn more about me and the work I do to help people communicate through storytelling.

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Comments on this post:

Leigh Gathright:

Thank you for the belly laugh as I visualized you traipsing around Colorado sans shoes. Probably made you a more grounded person, though! Putting one's best foot forward is always a confidence booster. As women, we have many ways to add flair and customize our own sense of style and personality to others. For me, it is probably my passion to wear an heirloom or uncommon-type necklace to put my best self out in the world each and every day.

Johanna Flores

Sarah- Fantastic article thank you for sharing. I agree 100'% it's the shoes, I can not leave my house without a fierce pair of stilettos that make me feel like I could take over the world and people always remember me by the shoes

Birthday Introspection

Every year for about a week around my birthday, I find myself being even more introspective than usual. I think about my past, my present, and my future, and dig deeply into who I am and who I want to be.

This year was a little bit different. This year I found a way to clear my head first, and then start to dig into my annual process.

The weekend before my birthday, my husband and I splurged on a trip to Portland, Oregon. We filled our time with music, great food, and catching up with close friends. The long drive together offered a rare opportunity to be with each other with no other responsibilities or agenda. We listened to music, we talked about food, we shared our thoughts about our two boys alone at home for the weekend. All kinds of things came up during that long drive through some beautiful parts of our country, as well as some of the not-so-beautiful parts.

It was bittersweet to drop my husband off at the airport in Portland on Sunday morning for a week-long business trip in Washington DC. I love spending time with him. He's funny, smart and kind, and he treats me with respect and deep love. Spending hours by myself can be very rare and I treasure my alone time. So when I drove away from PDX, I was sad to leave Bob behind, and filled with anticipation for my long drive -- alone -- back to Montana.

The first part of that drive is absolutely spectacular. Leaving the city and driving east took me right into the Columbia Gorge region. the winding road parallels the river, with green curtains of leaves and vines clinging to the walls of the first part of the canyon. It opens into the wide part of the river where it's rare not to see boats, windsurfers, and kayaks along the banks. It was quiet in the car. I didn't turn on music, I didn't start one of my books on CD, I didn't call anyone to visit (hands free, of course) as I drove. The car felt like an extension of my body as I drove along the river and observed the other vehicles and drivers, and the scenery all around me.

I don't remember thinking about anything in particular. It seemed that I could just BE, without my mind racing along as usual. For the first time in months, my mind felt clear. It took more than an hour of driving quietly by myself for me to realize my head was finally open, and not consumed with thoughts of what I needed to do, what I had forgotten, and where I wanted to be in the near future.

After about 11 hours on the road, I pulled into my driveway and unloaded my bags in the house. Our boys were still awake and enthusiastically happy to see me. Big hugs and stories, snuggles with the dog and a short glass of whiskey later, I was ready for bed.

I had forgotten -- or just hadn't remembered -- to take a few hours by myself like that in recent months. Hiking is great, but simply doesn't provide the kind of mind-clearing I need sometimes. Walking up a mountain, breathing heavily, and appreciating the scenery brings me back to the present, but it doesn't clear my head the way a long drive by myself can.

It was another beautiful birthday, filled with love and friendship. I clicked on a link to a video my mother sent to me that day. It's about taking the time BEING rather than spending our days DOING. I can honestly say that while I have some days filled with doing, the majority of my life has been being. Being in love. Being loved, being kind. Being comforted, being comforting. Being nourishing, and being nourished.

I think that's why I enjoy my birthdays so much each year; I am so grateful for every moment I get to spend with my family, my friends, and in nature. I'm not a big fan of regret and avoid it as much as possible. That's part of why I fill my days with BEING.

Now I'm ready for another year of adventures, a roller coaster ride of life. This year I have a plan to spend more time driving by myself, to make it a priority.

What will you do with the precious time you have on this planet?

Here's my theme song for the year.

3 Components of Success: Storytelling, Creativity, Curiosity

I've been advising and coaching a variety of people for years, from tweens to seniors, from every economic and educational background. There are three things that stand out in my mind as being major aspects of personal and professional development: Being able to tell your story, practicing creativity, and curiosity.

Morgan came into my life when she was a pre-teen and our boys were tiny. It was her family that took care of our older son the day and night I was at the hospital when our younger son was born. She has always had the sense of humor of an adult; a funny, sarcastic, somewhat English-style-dark-humor adult. I'm sure that's a big part of why we connected from the moment we met. As she grew up, she spent a lot of time at our house, helping with the boys, babysitting, and helping me with housework, keeping me company. She even took a few road trips with me so I wouldn't have to travel alone with the two little boys. We often laughed so hard we would cry. I had to pull over once in the middle of Nowhere, Why?oming because I was laughing so hard my stomach cramped and I had trouble breathing.

As Morgan moved through those difficult stages of adolescence and young adulthood, she remained consistent in her ability to share stories, even when her self confidence was limited. Her creative sense of humor is a big part of what makes people want to be around her. This is the woman who was able to make me laugh out loud shortly after my father died. And whenever she is afraid, she faces the fear and pushes through it because she's curious about what will happen when she takes the plunge. And I think she doesn't want to live with regret, the question "what if I don't do this?" is the one that pushes her through her hesitation.

While I like to think I've been a significant positive influence in her life, I know she has had as much, if not more of a positive impact on mine. When she asked me for advice through all aspects of life, from mean girls in middle school, to registering for classes in college, she not only listened to what I said, she asked the right questions and followed through when she said she would. She made it clear that when she asked for advice she would really listen when it was given, like accepting a gift. I learned how to present criticism more carefully; I learned to be more sensitive in my actions. I learned how to offer guidance without judgment.

My relationship with Morgan, and many years of providing guidance in the form of "don't do this, because when I did it..." for my sister, are the reasons I found coaching to be a big part of my career. By advising these two creative, curious storytellers, I was able to learn a lot about myself and what makes a successful person - no matter how you define success. They're the reason I came to the conclusion that to be successful in life, you need these three components: Storytelling skills, creativity, and curiosity.

When we tell a good story, we connect with people on a level deeper than just sharing a basic conversation. Stories are what bring people together under the umbrella of humanity. We share vulnerability, humor, and intelligence through our vocabulary, facial expressions and body language.

When we are being creative, we open ourselves to a different set of possibilities. Creativity actually changes the way our brains solve problems.

And when we are curious, we push ourselves to step out of comfort zones and into the unknown.

When I think of the people I respect and admire most, those are the common traits. Truly, I've never met someone with all three of those that wasn't also compassionate and considerate. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Take the Hint - Or Take a Fall

I was in my early 20's when I noticed this pattern. If I look down at my hands and find three or more minor injuries requiring BAND-AIDs, I know I'm missing something. Two are a small hint, three will require serious introspection. When I see three, I know I'm not being present, that my brain is not in full-function, problem-solving mode.

That's my hint to take a long walk, a long drive, or simply find a place to clear my head. Sometimes I go to my clay studio and play with mud for a while; more often than not, I choose to take a long walk. Whatever I do to find my balance again, to center myself, I do it with intention.

Years ago my best friend called me, full of frustration and anxiety as she was between work trips. She traveled a lot back then and as she arrived home at her apartment, she called me to share her anxiety. "I left my sunglasses in the rental car, my phone charger in the hotel room, and my book in the seatback pocket on the plane."

Her voice was angry, with a little sadness at the edge. I told her to sit down. "I have a million things to do before I leave again in two days!" Again, I told her to stop what she was doing and sit. right. where. she. was. I heard her heavy sigh as she slid down onto the floor, legs crossed, purse thrown onto the chair.

"Remember when I told you about the three BAND-AIDs on my hands?"

"No. Seriously, Sarah, I have too much to do to just sit here."

"Trust me. Stay where you are. When I have three BAND-AIDs on my hands I know I'm not present. Those bandages are my hint to stop, take a breath, and re-center myself."

"Ok. So what? Do you have three bandages on your hands?"

No, sweetie, I don't. But you do.
Losing your sunglasses, phone charger, and book are very small hints for something that could be much, much worse. Those are your three bandages, your warning that something much worse can happen if you don't take some time to breathe.

"Now. You are going to slowly get up off the floor, put on good walking shoes, and go for a long walk around your neighborhood. You are going to walk for a minimum of 30 minutes, looking at details of plants, houses, and people. You are going to lose yourself, completely clear your head of your "to do" list, and focus on things outside your own brain. And when you return to your apartment, you will call me and we'll walk through your list."

About an hour later she called me back, a substantially improved tone to her voice. She was back to her old self, confident and calm. We chatted away while she started laundry, cleaned up dishes in the sink, and started a grocery and errand list.

What are your three BAND-AIDs? Are they small physical injuries on your hands? Are they lost items like keys, sunglasses, or wallet?

The next time you notice a few things out of step, stop what you are doing and breathe for a minute. Take inventory of the last few days to see if maybe you're missing something - like being present. Walk, bike, do something creative; do something that clears your head. It must take some time, a minimum of 30 minutes, to be intentional about finding your balance again.

What are the consequences of not being present when you're driving, spending time with your children, cooking with heat & sharp objects? In my experience, if I don't pay attention to those bandages, I'm risking serious damage.

Here's what's being said about this post!

"Sarah, you have eloquently illustrated the need to reset ourselves after a sequence of frustrating events with your great story. It has also been my experience that if I don't the negative outcomes continue to get worse. For me, tennis is my escape. There is something about hitting that yellow ball and transferring all of my energy into every shot that is truly liberating. I can literally feel the stress leaving my body each time I hit the ball. By the end, all the tension is gone from my body. It works every time!" Ben Walker, Founder and CEO at Transcription Outsourcing, LLC

I Don't Believe in Coincidence

I really do not believe in coincidence. Though I don't believe strictly in fate, there seems to be a universal plan that provides a sort of balance between fate and free will. Just over a year ago I published a post, An Amazing Universe, about good things that happen when we're open to connecting with people. I have examples of unexpected opportunities that came during good times, but there are probably more that were a result of something bad happening.

Bad things happen to people; how we respond to the good and the bad is what defines us and demonstrates our character.

It has been a hard week for my family. Our home was burglarized while we were asleep upstairs. Thousands of dollars of electronics were stolen from our house. The burglars were silent -- quiet enough to not even wake the dog. We woke up to notice our television was gone, as were my laptop (and backup hard drive), our new camera, my husband's phone and wallet, my purse, and a variety of other items. While I called the police, I was rummaging around my room to find the copy I had made of the credit cards in my purse. The police were knocking on the door as I finished one of the many calls that would be required over the next few days.

Our two boys were especially disappointed to lose the tv, Xbox360 and games.

I'm not optimistic that we'll get any of our valuables back, but I'm hopeful the people will be caught. I'd love to have a chance to talk to them, to show them the face of a person they hurt, to tell them this was not a victimless crime.

Thinking back on the week, from the moment we realized we had been burglarized, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. One moment all I can think about is how grateful I am that no one was injured, that no one woke up to confront the burglars. How would we know they weren't armed? What could have been waiting for one of us as we came down the stairs, unprepared to see strangers looting our home? And the next moment I see RED. I'm so angry! I can't stand to feel like a victim! ...And yet. I think about the people in our community who have responded with such compassion and caring, having heard what happened to our family.

Why did I start this post with my statement that I don't believe in coincidence? Because, although I'm heartbroken for my family's loss of security, my loss of valuables, including hours & hours of writing stolen with my laptop, I'm also hopeful. The universe puts obstacles in our paths and we have a choice in how we view them. I choose to view this as an opportunity to see things differently. Though I'm still angry and hurt, I'm not sleeping well, and my muscles are sore from exercising to clear my head, I remain hopeful that this obstacle the universe put in my path is just another opportunity waiting to be discovered.

Do you choose to see opportunity in challenges? Do you choose to find the lessons?

Ah HA! Moments in Coaching

It's pretty amazing what we can discover in ourselves when we are serving others.

February was a big month for self-discovery. Through coaching sessions and discussions with friends, I've been digging into some of my own motivations and weaknesses. One in particular has been a deep and recurring obstacle: Contentment and satisfaction without the need for external validation.

If you know anything about me, you know I love to find creative outlets for myself and for others. I'm a big believer in exploring creativity as a means to increase and maintain elasticity of the brain. When your brain engages in a creative endeavor, say making music, cooking, knitting, writing, painting, coloring... it opens and builds neural pathways. Different creative activities create different pathways. Music activates one part of the brain, while writing (creative or non-fiction) activates another. Why does that matter? Because in real life as a professional, a parent, a friend, you are constantly required to solve problems. With a variety of creative activities in your life, you become a better problem solver.

While working with one client, I asked about his latest creative activity. When he told me about his project, I asked him what he would do with it after it was complete. He hadn't considered the idea of whether to display it or give it away. He didn't even really know what I was asking or why. I gave him an example: When I'm working on my pottery wheel, whatever I am building - whatever shape the clay chooses to form - I begin almost immediately to think about how it will be used and to whom I might gift it when it's glazed and fired. I asked my client: "When you complete this beautiful project, where will you put it? Does it matter to you that no one will see it?"

My question didn't faze him at all. That's when I noticed that I was projecting my concerns onto him. When I work on something important to me, I often find the need for some sort of external validation when it's complete. Why do I do that? Clearly the activity alone was enough for him to receive the benefits of being creative. Why do I need more?

In another conversation with a friend, I realized that many of us have similar issues in terms of baggage from years ago, from childhood, that manifest in our lives in different ways as we age and progress in our professions and personal experiences. When my friend and I talked about our childhood and teen years, we had a lot in common: Lack of self confidence, detractors in our lives who made negative and long-term impressions on us in their insults and demeaning comments in areas they knew we were particularly self-conscious. As children, we had both been told, in some way or another, that we weren't enough; we weren't smart enough, good looking enough, athletic enough... etc. My situation was quite different in that I had parents who were my biggest cheering section. It was peers that I allowed to do the damage to my self image.

Those childhood and young adulthood impressions and internal messages, though we fight them every day, manifest themselves in different ways in our lives. My friend allows those internal messages to make him hesitate when he knows he should move forward. He second guesses himself to the point of paralysis sometimes. I allow those internal messages to make me feel the need for external validation of the skills and values I bring to the world. For both of us, these are not only self limiting messages, they are damaging to those around us. We create a self-sabotage environment by allowing that history to manifest itself into our current lives.

As I've said in past writing, there is no easy answer. I believe being self aware, introspective, and consistently curious are the keys to learning, growing, and defeating these internal messages and negative life patterns. Now that I know where it is coming from, I can change that message from way back into my childhood.

Without understanding where our self-sabotaging behavior comes from, I don't think we can address it and change it. That doesn't mean placing blame; it means letting it be what it WAS, something from the past. Look at the current evidence of your life for proof that you are not who you were as a child or teen, that the successes and resiliency of your recent life are what define the current version of you. Make sure that what you are putting out to the universe is exactly what you want in return: Love, joy, curiosity, creativity. The next chapter of your book hasn't been written yet. Make sure you write it with intention.

What baggage are you holding onto in your life? How is that manifesting in your current situation?

Identify Personal Patterns Through Struggle

After two years in the position, I found myself standing in the bathroom with a tear-stained face... again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make this work? I'm not a particularly emotional person and yet, here I was with swollen eyes and runny nose... again. Why was I letting my boss get to me like this?

This wasn't the first time I found myself struggling with an abusive boss in a bad environment. Just two positions before this one I had another abusive boss. As I stood looking in the mirror, my reflection said it all: You've been in this position before that, too.

I started to think back on all of my jobs, all the way back to serving at an IHOP in college. There were some exceptions; there were positions where I was valued, where I thrived and became the professional person I am today. Looking back though, there were far too many similar situations. This was a pattern.

It took some real introspection to come to this conclusion, the most humbling and difficult moment in my career.

I had some complicity here.

What an awful realization. Who wants that kind of answer to a question? No one I know wants to admit they did something wrong or that they played a part in what was wrong with a relationship or job.

There wasn't an easy solution to the problem I faced. Not only did I have to spend a lot of time remembering difficult situations, I had to remember them differently. Pulling myself outside of the situation to see it from an alternative perspective was the most important part of the journey. I had to figure out how I was complicit in these abusive situations.

“Was I somehow putting myself in that path, attracting that behavior into my life? Was I allowing myself to be abused? Was I sabotaging myself not only by putting myself in certain situations, but also by not paying attention to my own behavior and how that was affecting the boss’s behavior?”

Yes. Yes. Yes, and yes. So what's the next step? Finding ways to change the pattern.

A related pattern I noticed was that I was reluctant to ask for - or to take advice.

When I was finally at my lowest point at work, I reached out to mentors I thought knew me pretty well and understood my strengths at some level. I was very selective in the people I contacted because I wanted to ask specific questions about what jobs and environments they thought I would thrive. One offered me an analogy, another offered me this piece of advice: "Find something with 'special projects' in the title or description." He knew I had a tendency to learn something well and then get bored with it. I'm not a maintenance kind of employee. He suggested that whatever I did next had to be more project related, something that I could set up, create, manage, and finish.

I learned a lot of lessons in those 2+ years; I continue to face similar challenges, now I'm more aware of my actions that might be contributing to the problems.

Here's my most important advice to others: Take a few days to imagine your best work day. What would you love to be doing on a daily basis? Dig into this, all the way to specific tasks you enjoy and that you're good at. Don't focus on your strengths so much as your interests. I'm really good at some things that I don't enjoy doing!

It may take you a few hours to figure this out, or maybe you already know. When you have your vision pretty clear, figure out the professionals who really know you and make an appointment to see them. Ask them about how they see you, their perceptions of what makes you tick. You might be surprised, so make sure you are REALLY LISTENING.

Ask them for specific ideas about where you should be looking for your next adventure. Ask them for names of other contacts they think could help you bring your vision to life, and ask them if there is anything about your vision that makes them think you have adjustments to make in order to achieve it. The questions won't be awkward but your answers might be - be prepared to walk away and absorb for a while.

There are no easy answers.

Be kind to yourself while you work through this. And know that you are a work in progress; what makes you happy and content today will probably change in the future.

And then the hardest part begins; figure out how you might be complicit in your own patterns of frustration in jobs and relationships. Because until you identify your patterns, you will continue to face similar situations. As my mother once told me: "Every obstacle is like a trial. Until you figure out the lesson you are supposed to learn in a trial, you will continue to experience it, over and over again in different situations. Don't be fooled, it's the same trial no matter the context."

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*It has been a gift to receive many messages from people expressing their appreciation for my posts, particularly the ones about difficulties I've faced. Stories related to my eclectic career have resonated with a lot of people; I attribute that to the fact that stories help us relate - and apply - our own experiences, practically living them through someone else. Thanks to Elizabeth Chee for inspiring this post.*