Expectations: Fuel for Resentment, or Critical Growth Factor?
The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Others Can Wreak Havoc in Relationships
When Melissa Hughes talks about expectations, she puts them into four categories:
- Expectations of yourself
- Expectations for yourself
- Expectations of others
- Expectations for others
As an educator, she knows that students will be more successful when a teacher has high expectations of them. She also knows that expectations, when not managed and understood, can fuel resentment in a relationship.
What's really fascinating is that when an expectation isn't met, it can have devastating effects, so devastating that our brain reacts in the same way as when we feel physical pain.
Feel good neural transmitters are released when our expectations are met - and they drop dramatically when our expectations are NOT met, especially when it is a surprise to us.
We tell ourselves stories of the people around us, stories of what we believe they will do, no matter what evidence we have about our past experience with them. Listen to the conversation to learn more.
Melissa Hughes is a talented speaker, and author of Happy Hour with Einstein. To learn more about her talents with every different kind of audience, visit her website. And be sure to connect with her on LinkedIn, and follow her on YouTube to be notified of her upcoming engagements, blog and video posts, and book releases.
Why It Works with Joe Kwon - Storytelling
5.0 Why It Works: Sarah Elkins on Storytelling
in Podcast
Have you ever wondered why some storytellers mesmerize you and others give Ambien a run for its money? How come some stories you tell have people on the edge of their seat and others induce yawns? Did you know that there is a lot more than words that goes into telling a good story?
In today's episode of "Why It Works," Sarah Elkins, a leadership and storytelling coach, reveals some of the hidden mechanisms behind storytelling. Listen in to find out the connection between vulnerability and storytelling, how lessons from music can improve your storytelling and the one thing that drives Sarah crazy about bad storytellers.
Every Interaction is an Opportunity
Our first son was slow with words, and fast with walking and climbing. He was pulling himself up stairs before he was actively crawling and could climb walls as soon as he could walk, literally; he climbed walls using the baseboard to begin his ascent.
Modeling Behavior to Change the Story
Our first son was slow with words, and fast with walking and climbing. He was pulling himself up stairs before he was actively crawling and could climb walls as soon as he could walk, literally; he climbed walls using the baseboard to begin his ascent.
When he was a year old, I noticed that when I handed him something or helped him with something, he would say "dee-dah" in a sing-song voice "dee-dah!" It was different from his "da", which meant he wanted something, that word sounded like "that." He didn't have words or sentences, but if you have experience with little children, you know sometimes you can understand certain phrases before they sound like words.
I called my mother and she heard him say "dee-dah" when I handed him a cracker. "What is he saying?" I told her I didn't know. She said "it sounds like he's saying thank you!" “Maybe, mom; that might be what he’s saying.” I decided to test her theory. For the rest of the day, I paid more attention as I handed him food or something else he asked for. He absolutely was using that phrase in the correct context for thank you. I called my mother later that day to tell her she was right. I said: “I didn't know he knew that phrase! I hadn't been working with him on that one, though I we definitely worked on please.
“He is saying that because he hears you saying that to people, and he hears you and his father saying that to each other.”
What a great thing to hear from someone you respect and admire, right? It felt pretty good, in terms of being confident in my parenting, to know our son was picking up what I think is a really good habit – pleases and thank yous. I felt just a tiny bit smug about my parenting.
I became a bit more aware and intentional about what I was saying around him after that, but wasn’t entirely aware, which is why I was caught off-guard a year or so later at a grocery store.
I was visiting family in the Baltimore area, and my cousin and I took Jacob along to pick up some groceries. They had that new grocery cart with the truck front and basket back, so kids could pretend they were driving. When we walked in and Jacob saw it, his eyes brightened and he pointed to ask if we could take that cart. “Of course”, I said; it was such a great idea, and we didn’t have those carts in Montana yet.
It was seconds after he got in to drive, and I started to push the cart toward the produce, when he said very loudly:
“Come ON, buddy!”
I blushed and glanced over at my cousin, laughing, and she said: “It could have been worse, right?” That was when I realized how much of what we were saying and doing made impressions on our children. If you have children, I’m sure you have those embarrassing stories of them sharing things they heard that you were mortified to hear them share.
Years ago, I had a boss who was a skilled manipulator. She is very smart, and very ambitious, but not confident or comfortable in her skin. She treated me with incredible cruelty, figuring out my most sensitive anxieties and poking them regularly. It was a horrible 2+ years, but not just because of the abuse. I made it worse because I found I was behaving like she behaved, and I started to seriously dislike myself. She was modeling her abusive behavior, and I was picking it up like my children picked up MY cues.
It hadn’t occurred to me before that experience that even as adults, we’re constantly observing the people around us and picking up their subtle behavioral cues. Some with in intention – others… not so much.
When visiting a friend’s house last summer, I thanked her for hosting our small group of friends, and let her know how lovely the snacks looked on the serving plates.
“That’s something I picked up from you and Bob! Every time I come to your house, even unannounced, you have something nice to put out and you always offer me a drink shortly after I walk in the door. I love that, and realized I wanted people to feel at my house the way I feel when I’m at yours.”
Ah... My brain started to focus on what her compliment meant to me, beyond the honor of being emulated for something I love to do, and find great satisfaction in – hosting people. It took me a while to process what I heard, and to apply it to a bigger theory.
As I’ve said many times, in relation to customer service and personal brand, we are all ambassadors for our people. How we behave around others is watched, and though it’s not fair, our behavior is often associated with different aspects of our visible presence. At any given moment, I’m representing women, mothers, Montanans, Jews, and whatever else my appearance and speech may give away.
What I present to the world can have a positive or negative impact on others like me. There aren’t many Jewish people here in Montana, and I’ve heard more than once “you don’t LOOK Jewish” and “I met a Jewish guy once, he was such an asshole”, and my favorite - because it’s so absurd: “I LOVE Jewish people!”
Those interactions and how I handle them can be the difference between this person passing along their bias or bigotry – or not.
Another thing I’ve noticed that relates to this idea of being an ambassador:
We are role models for the people around us – and not just children.
People watch how we behave, and when they see something they like, they may internalize that behavior and emulate it. Sometimes it’s a subconscious response, like the way our facial expressions often mirror those of the person in front of us. And sometimes, like my friend who loved being hosted at my house emulating that at her house, it’s very intentional.
When I observe a particularly impressive handling of conflict by someone, I’ll process it for a little while to figure out if I can emulate that response. And when I had young children, I watched other mothers to see what worked, and what I definitely DID NOT want to emulate.
What we do, how we behave, matters.
If we want to see things change in the world, and I believe from the many rants and stories I read every day online that we do, we have to start with us.
As a public employee, I received many calls like this: “My neighbor wakes me up at 6am on Saturday by mowing his lawn! Isn’t there a noise ordinance?”
“Yes, there’s a noise ordinance, and from 6am – 11pm, the limit is 55 decibels. But rather than call the police to come measure the noise, have you considered approaching your neighbor and asking why he’s mowing at 6am? Maybe he has a good reason, and maybe you can find a solution together. I find that when I approach my neighbors with respect, and rather than complain, ask questions to share the responsibility to find a solution, they respond really well.”
People are afraid of conflict. They don’t want to approach a neighbor or stranger, so they escalate the issue by calling the city or the police. Or they complain online, spewing negative energy and making things worse. They’re modeling that behavior to a huge audience.
Most of these situations could easily be resolved if we approached them with consideration and an open mind. Model the behavior you want to see, and people will notice the success you have in certain situations. And maybe, just maybe, that will be the beginning of a trend where, instead of adding to the negative energy, we can be proactive in finding solutions.
It’s not about being a Pollyanna, seeing only the positive, or being Facebook fake by sharing only the good stuff. It’s about choosing the behavior you want to see in the world around you, and demonstrating it.
If you want to be around people who are respectful and kind, smart and ambitious, model those behaviors. (Especially around people who DO NOT demonstrate those things. When you behave the way they behave, you’re condoning their behavior.)
If you want people around you to introduce themselves when they walk in the door, with a firm handshake and clearly enunciating their name, model that.
If you want people to hold the door open for you when your hands are full, let you into traffic when the lane ends, or give you space when walking across the street, DO THOSE THINGS.
If you want to hear please and thank you from people, say please and thank you.
If you want to change the negative tendencies online, don’t post or share that energy. There are always people who will try to bate you into that negative space. Don’t let them.
What do you want to see in the world around you?
Are you modeling that?
An Unlikely Foundation for Optimism
Some Stories Teach Us the Wrong Lessons - At First
When she was a teenager, Jennifer Heflin overheard a conversation between her parents that gave her the impression the only way to succeed in business is to be aggressive, unkind, and ruthless.
That was the story she told herself as she completed her MBA at Wharton, and started her career on Wall Street. It stuck with her so deeply that she left Wall Street because she simply didn't have that cutthroat attitude and the environment didn't work for her.
As she started to process her career, and focused on mindfulness and self-reflection, she realized that the culture she experienced was just one perspective of the business world. Her awakening moment came to her in the early morning on a beautiful spring day: It doesn't have to be that way.
Jennifer Heflin is a personal development coach with a focus on meditation, mindfulness, emotional mastery and empowerment. She is also the founder of Angels Evolution, a company on a mission to bring personal growth to the business world. You can find Jennifer’s podcast, Embracing Mastery, on iTunes, Spreaker, SoundCloud and YouTube.
Your History is Your Story; It Doesn't Have to Be Your Future
Shelley Beth Brown is one of those creative people that, when we first meet her, we assume has always thrived in creative environments. Her writing is whimsical, raw, and full of childhood imagination.
At Some Point, We Must Take Responsibility for Our Happiness
Shelley Beth Brown is one of those creative people that, when we first meet her, we assume has always thrived in creative environments. Her writing is whimsical, raw, and full of childhood imagination.
I asked her to be a guest on the podcast because I knew there was a lot to her history, and how her family and early career shaped her incredible storytelling.
It turns out that we have one important thing in common in our childhood: Our families had a similar definition of success that included having money and things. We were shaped by the belief that there was some recipe for success that included making a lot of money, and for some reason, people with a lot of money and things were to be admired.
Thinking that way shaped our career decisions in a big way, and now we're both finding that though we don't regret those decisions because of the learning and growth opportunities they provided. Those decisions didn't fit our needs, or our true definition of success, but they led us to insights and a different understanding of ourselves and the world around us.
But now, as adults, we're finding that success looks very different to us than it did to our parents. Success in Shelley's life means spending time with her adorable dog, in the city she loves, writing and creating stories from her extensive childhood daydreams. What it takes to make an income to support that success almost doesn't matter, as long as it involves a supportive team and a creative environment.
Shelley Brown is a connector of humans, and is addicted to helping people. On her days off, you might find her standing at an intersection near an L station in Chicago, with a sign "free directions", literally helping stranded travelers find their way. She's also a gifted writer, just discovering here profound impact on the people around her through her imaginative, hilarious stories that are as relatable as anything we can imagine from our childhood. Her Write Naked article has inspired me and many others to expose our true selves in order to grow and build authentic relationships.
Her professional strength is in sales, and when she's in an environment with people who "get" her, she simply glides into highly successful relationships with the clients she serves. Connect with her on LinkedIn to learn more.
Every Event Tells a Story
It occurred to me that at some point in their lives, nearly every person is tasked with planning an event of some kind. It could be a child's birthday party, a wedding, a meeting, a conference, or even a basic dinner party, but all events have one thing in common - guests.
It's Your Guests Who Will Tell It
Suzanne Spaner and I have a few things in common, but the one I enjoy chatting with her the most about is our event planning and hospitality experience. You see, anyone who has ever worked in that industry, including restaurants, is guaranteed to have great stories to share.
It occurred to me that at some point in their lives, nearly every person is tasked with planning an event of some kind. It could be a child's birthday party, a wedding, a meeting, a conference, or even a basic dinner party, but all events have one thing in common - guests.
That's why I asked Suzanne to chat with me about how we apply storytelling to event planning, and she certainly didn't disappoint.
We agreed that one of the most important parts of planning an event is to consider how we want our guests to leave; what do we want them to talk about, remember, and feel when they leave, and weeks, months, or years later?
When we answer those questions, the event begins to take shape, priorities emerge, and creativity can take its place, front and center.
I hope that when you listen to this conversation, you'll consider some of these strategies when planning your next event, no matter what it is.
Suzanne Spaner is the Founder of Meeting Matchmakers, a one-stop-shop, no-fee service that helps corporations, organizations, and families find, negotiate, and book group events (10 or more overnight rooms) at hotels worldwide. Visit her website and connect with her on LinkedIn to learn more!
Your #Why Doesn't Matter
…seeking your "why" is overrated, and not particularly helpful in finding happiness and fulfillment. Distilling what you believe down to a basic, clear concept is important, but when you think about it, your "why" is likely pretty similar to the people you admire and spend time with.
Find Your What, Find Your Purpose.
"I have to figure out my purpose."
"I'm struggling to find my 'why'."
"I feel like I'm walking through deep sand, lost and with no purpose."
Many of my friends and clients are in transition, and these are the phrases I hear.
This may be controversial... I think seeking your "why" is overrated, and not particularly helpful in finding happiness and fulfillment. Distilling what you believe down to a basic, clear concept is important, but when you think about it, your "why" is likely pretty similar to the people you admire and spend time with.
Here's an example:
“I believe that every human has value and can contribute to our global community...”
Neil Hughes at #NLVDenver
Follow that sentence with anything related to helping people find happiness, and you have a pretty common "why". The values aren't cliché; the words just don't describe you as a unique human.
It's your "what" that is your unique value proposition, not your "why".
I wrote about finding my "what", and the lightning bolt I experienced as a result. Discovering my "what" took me directly to my "why", but that didn't really change anything.
What changed my perspective, my focus for my work and professional development was that by discovering my "what", I found my current purpose.
There's some expectation that when the lightning bolt hits, you'll suddenly and immediately be able to apply your epiphany to improve your income and happiness... and that's pretty unlikely. Though I still feel incredibly energized with my discovery, it takes time to figure out how to apply my "what" to my work, and to everything else in my life. Because if you can't apply your "what" across the spectrum of your life activities, it's probably not your "what".
Confused? Here's my example, my "what":
This epiphany came suddenly, after some major introspection and discussion with trusted friends, but the "what" itself was building over many years. When I realized this truth about my superpower, I was able to look back on years of RSMs to see the pattern.
There are so many things I've been inspired by and interested in, which is part of why finding this was such a challenge. For instance, I've been planning and hosting events since I was 12 years old when I planned a crazy surprise party for my little sister. For a little while, I had a catering business, and at one point in my career I was the director of sales at a hotel, planning and hosting events.
That was when I assumed my superpower was event planning and dove deeply into that activity.
#NLVDenver Session
One of my favorite projects was working with the Montana University System to build a common course numbering system to facilitate simpler transfer of credits for students from system school to system school. I facilitated meetings of faculty and registrars for two years, and heard comments like this after every meeting: "That was the most productive meeting I've ever experienced."
That was when I decided my superpower was facilitation and dove deeply into that activity.
Music practice at home
Our home is a place of comfort for many guests; we don't just feed people, we nourish them. Over the past 20 years, we've had many parties and events in our home, hosted musicians and music jam sessions, and provided solace and comfort to hundreds of guests. At some point:
I assumed my superpower was hospitality and comfort, and dove deeply into those activities.
With my recently uncovered "what" in mind, the pattern emerged.
I was applying this concept all along. My success in planning and hosting events, facilitating meetings, and providing that kind of space in our home was all a result of my superpower - my "what".
It's your turn now.
Here's a strategy to find your "what":
Think back on those times you felt like a rock star; I call those Rock Star Moments (RSMs). I'm talking about specific experiences that left you walking away smiling, knowing you nailed it, and feeling like you really contributed to something greater than yourself. Consider all parts of your life, from very early on, at home, at school, at work, any activity or hobby.
Dig in and write down a phrase or a few sentences to remind you of what happened, who was there, and what you DID, specifically.
Take your time with this exercise. It’s not easy to come up with a list like this. If you are really down, it’s especially hard to find those sparks of light, so ask a few people you trust to share what they believe your super powers are, what experiences they had with you that they thought you really excelled.
Next, as you develop the list (keep adding to it!), start to consider patterns. What is consistent in those experiences? The content or activity itself? The people? The responses of those around you? The impact? What is consistent about what you were providing or doing in those situations?
Start with the exercise here. Create a list of your RSMs. Enlist the help of trusted friends and family. Take your time and be gentle with yourself, and find your pattern.
