When External Expectations Improve Your Internal Story
Derek is a successful businessman, and he attributes his massive transformation from troubled kid to successful adult to one person. His childhood friend believed in him, stuck by him when he was known as a horrible person to be around, and made it clear that he wasn't going anywhere.
It was this person that inspired Derek to grow and change and transform his life - because he wanted his friend to be right in believing in him.
Derek is the CEO of At Hand Spray Systems, but prefers to be defined by his unique approach to problem solving. Most people try to solve problems in a linear way, which frequently results in symptom solving. Derek approaches problems spherically, using all 360 degrees to find solutions to the root cause, not the symptoms.
Find Your Brave, Use Stories as Evidence
You were likely pretty brave as a child, I know most children start out ready to jump into an adventure, sing on a stage, and climb anything - with our without shoes. But what happens to us as we move into the higher grades? Why do we lose our sense of adventure, our sense of self, our self confidence?
Kimberly Davis is a brave leader not because she's unafraid, but because she steps forward despite the fear that could hold her back, and she's teaching others to lead with Brave in mind.
You were likely pretty brave as a child, I know most children start out ready to jump into an adventure, sing on a stage, and climb anything - with our without shoes. But what happens to us as we move into the higher grades? Why do we lose our sense of adventure, our sense of self, our self confidence?
Whatever the reasons, we must find our Brave again if we want to be happy, successful (however we choose to define it), and role models for the people around us. We have to be real for ourselves, we must bring our whole selves to every environment in order to lead authentically.
Speaking with Kimberly Davis grew up on a ranch near Kalispell, Montana, and she and her brother had a job on that ranch: To feed the cattle, even if it was -15 degrees outside. Montana raises some pretty badass, resilient souls, and Kimberly was one of those... until she started college. Somehow she lost her courage, her Brave. But she found it again, and we talked about what it takes to step into the unknown, and some strategies to find YOUR Brave.
Kimberly Davis is the author of the insightful and relevant book, Brave Leadership. She's also the CEO of On Stage Leadership, an organization devoted to helping executives lead authentically, and present themselves fully to the people they lead, in order to create teams at work, not groups.
You can learn more about her and the value she brings to her workshops, coaching, and keynotes on her website, and connect with her on LinkedIn.
Getting Out Alive: A Story of Professional Survival
We were barreling down the road, at least double the speed limit in a 35 zone. And when we hit the highway, he was driving at least 110. For the first time since those warning signs I ignored during the interview, I realized I wasn't just risking my career, I was risking my life
"We were barreling down the road, at least double the speed limit in a 35 zone. And when we hit the highway, he was driving at least 110. For the first time since those warning signs I ignored during the interview, I realized I wasn't just risking my career, I was risking my life."
John White made the decision to invest in his future income that day - by jumping into an MBA program he'd been considering for a few years.
We had a great conversation about that moment in his life when he made the decision; have you had a moment like this one? Maybe not quite so dramatic, but still a large, negative push to follow a different path?
How Storytelling Shapes Your Internal Messages
I had the opportunity to ask Leili McKinley, founder and CEO of Identitype LLC a few questions about her pivotal moments in life, and how she was able to identify those moments, and years later was able to apply them to difficult situations.
She surprised me with her analogy of her skill in creating a corset as the foundation for a wedding gown designed during her time at Parson's School of Design in NYC. As she builds experiences, she sees those experiences as the corset-building, or foundation-building of her behavior, persistence, and success.
Visit Leili's website and LinkedIn profile for more information about the IdentitypeTM system she created (in her words):
... to help you be the leader you were born to be, build a brand, and grow your business (ME, Inc.) because you’re passionate about what you do, and because you want to create more income for yourself and the people you love.
Podcast: Is Imposter Syndrome Defining Your Internal Stories?
In other words, when you're outwardly successful, but often feel like a fraud, like at some point everyone will know about the "real" you.
Sarah Elkins | Your Stories Don't Define You | episode 2
Imposter syndrome, according to Cambridge dictionary online, is "the feeling that your achievements are not real, or that you do not deserve praise or success."
Sharing a story at Tell Us Something, Helena, Montana, April 2017
In other words, when you're outwardly successful, but often feel like a fraud, like at some point everyone will know about the "real" you.
There have been major studies about this phenomena, and great articles have been written to describe outwardly, wildly successful people who suffer from it. The article says that a person with imposter syndrome attaches almost exclusively external factors to their success, e.g. I was in the right place at the right time, I was fortunate to..., the opportunity landed in my lap, etc. While they attribute their failures internally, e.g. I'm not smart enough, I wasn't paying enough attention, etc.
Then there are those who turn it completely around, the non-imposter syndrome professionals who attribute their success almost entirely to their own intelligence, beauty, savvy, etc., and their failures are all externally driven, e.g. he didn't want me to succeed, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, if only ---- had happened, etc. There's a Harvard Business Review article about overcoming imposter syndrome, placing the internal messages right up front in dealing with those minimizing thoughts.
I think there's a lot more to this. People who don't acknowledge the external contributing factors to their success, who describe themselves as "self made", are missing a major component of humility and humanity. No one is self-made, literally. But way beyond that, we have to consider genetics, family economic status, public utilities (if you're a manufacturer, guaranteed you use public roads to distribute your goods), education (even in the poorest communities, there are some fantastic, motivated educators), and access to mentors. Some people are driven by spite, so even a negative influence contributed to your success.
There are also those factors that contribute to failure: Do you acknowledge the internal factors? If you cannot take responsibility for those things you didn't succeed with, you're missing great opportunities for growth and connection with others. Blaming outside, external forces for failure means you do not acknowledge those moments when you were truly human. Where does that leave you?
Your internal messages come from all of your experiences, from your very early interactions, through your young adulthood. It's no wonder those messages are hard to fight; we're hard-wired to keep those messages, once they're placed in our heads. They've created pathways in our brain. It can be impossible to change them if you aren't aware of them, or where they came from.
I was walking through the open space of a friend's dorm with her, and two VERY tall basketball players stopped to say hello. One of them asked me out, and I said no thanks.
He put his huge hands on my hips and easily lifted me to set me down on top of a vending machine. I was in a sundress, the vending machine was very tall, and there was no way I could jump down.
I blushed deep pink and asked him to help me down. He laughed:
I'll help you down if you say you'll go out with me.
I shook my head no, and stared directly at his friend, the one I knew to be a nice guy.
Dude. That's not cool. Get her down from there.
He didn't, so his friend helped me down and apologized. When he put me down, I looked up (WAY up) at the culprit and said:
I. AM. NOT. A. TOY. Don't EVER do that again - to anyone.
They walked away, and I could hear the nice guy giving the other one a hard time. I was furious.
That wasn't the first time someone picked me up without my permission. As a matter of fact, it had happened many times. In elementary school, everyone wanted to give me piggy-back rides. In high school, I was asked to play one of the very young daughters in Fiddler on the Roof, though I had auditioned for a speaking, singing role.
Why? Because I'm small. I was lucky to pass 5' my freshman year of college; highly unusual for a girl to grow that late in life, but I did, and thank goodness. All I wanted was to outgrow my mother! But it's not just my height. When I graduated from college, I still weighed under 100 pounds. I couldn't find women's shoes in size 4.5 or 5, making professional outfits very difficult to complete.
I know this can sound really awesome, and it is in most ways; I am generally the most comfortable person on an airplane. Being small also means looking young, at least it does for me. The last time I was ID'd at a bar I was 41 years old. But when I was a professional in my late 20s and early 30s, looking young did not help me at all in getting others to take me seriously. In one meeting I was facilitating, a women in her 50s was dismissive toward me until I found an opportunity to share my age with the group. She looked at me, startled, and suddenly began to pay attention to me.
When a good friend recently heard about a trip I was taking, we were visiting about my expectations, and my concerns about it. I said: "It feels weird, Callie, like I'm just little Sarah from Montana, what do I have to contribute to this group?" I wasn't entirely serious; I know my value and I know I can make a difference in any situation. But that little voice spoke up, and it had to come from somewhere, right? She looked at me, a little shocked, and said: "Sarah. NO ONE thinks of you as little Sarah. NO ONE."
It took me a while to process that conversation; I had to dig into why I had that self-limiting voice still speaking to me. That's when I realized it has a lot to do with my size, and the way I was perceived because of it. When I meet someone and I'm sitting down, they are always visibly surprised to see how petite I am when I stand up. Clearly the way I'm presenting myself is much taller than my actual height.
Before my 20th high school reunion, I had dreams that I was in my old school, wandering through the halls saying hello to people. The weird thing was that I was much taller in my dream. I woke up a little disappointed, until I realized that's how I saw myself now, not as a physically taller person, but taller in stature.
A friend recently described himself as big and goofy, and I asked him where that came from, because that's not at all how I see him. He told me a story about having moved in 5th grade, and having to establish himself somehow in the new school. He found great success in being goofy; the other students responded to that silly, self-deprecating behavior, and he was able to make friends. Or, at least he could make his classmates laugh with him, rather than at him.
It got me thinking about how these childhood and young adulthood perceptions and words we used to describe ourselves - and others used to describe us - impact our current potential and success. It also got me thinking - again - about imposter syndrome and how to deal with it.
Up until recently, I thought I suffered from imposter syndrome. Now I'm thinking those internal messages are more an identity issue, a confidence issue. I attribute my success equally to hard work, experience, and introspection, and to the support network I have, the fortune of being born where and who I am, and to the relatively low-drama household in which I was raised. What I realized is that I'm not alone in feeling like a kid, like I'm just pretending to be a grown-up, and doing grown-up things. The other thing I realized is that I like that about myself, and those who relate to that sensation. It keeps us youthful, curious, adventurous, and optimistic.
What stories are you still telling yourself that are simply no longer true? Are those stories yours, or do they belong to someone else? Are you holding onto certain perceptions because they worked for you at some point? Is it time to let them go?
What are your thoughts about the difference between imposter syndrome, and self confidence?
Micromanagers Inspire You... to Quit
Cheryl Snapp Conner | Your Stories Don't Define You | Episode 1
What stories from your past became pivotal moments as you look back at them?
I had the opportunity to visit with Cheryl Snapp Conner about a difficult boss she encountered early in her career. That experience drove her to try something completely surprising to her - she left the company to start her own business.
Listen to the podcast to hear the lessons she learned in the situation, and to sit in on the conversation about how this story has impacted how Cheryl sees herself today.
Want to learn more about Cheryl and her stories? Visit her company website: Snapp Conner PR, or follow her on LinkedIn.
Where is Your Tribe?
They created and nurtured a tribe like few get to experience.
Tragedy hits; who do you reach out to? Who will reach out to you? You might be surprised.
Our dear friends lost their son in a car accident and our community is mourning the loss of this beautiful soul. Their lives, and the lives of so many this young man's energy and love impacted, are forever changed. But that's not the point of this story, because his family and those closest to him will tell it themselves.
It's Their Story
People who have experienced tragedy will tell you that those who they believed would be there for them often disappear, while people they weren't particularly close to were the ones who showed up.
There are many reasons for this, and I've written a lot about that theme over the years. But the biggest reason I can share is that people are uncomfortable with grief. That discomfort comes from knowing how unpredictable life can be - that it could be them, and it comes from not knowing what to say or do, and not being able to make things better.
But those who show up make the difference. Though it's disappointing when those you thought would be there aren't, the extraordinary beauty of those who DO show up shines a light like nothing else can.
The only light I've been able to see, the only comfort I've been able to find as my friends absorb this new reality is that they are surrounded by the love and light of their community.
Over the years I've known them, they've shared themselves, their love, creativity, and vibrant appreciation for life with everyone they come in contact with, anywhere. My friends transformed friends into family at every opportunity by nourishing people at their dining room tables, through their art, and over miles and miles of outdoor adventures. They created their tribe for just this moment, this time when they need them.
This tribe will not disappear at the scent, sound, and thick fog of grief. This tribe will show up, at all hours, at any moment and in any location to be there for our friends. We will grieve together, and know when and how to leave room for the grief of the parents and sibling, which is unlike any other grief.
This tribe will never - ever - utter the words: "I know how you feel." Because they know, without a doubt, that they can't know.
It Could Be Your Story
Do you have a tribe? Have you cultivated with generosity, kindness, and love a community you know will show up when you need them?
Just like a business network, if you wait until you need them when you are unemployed or underemployed, you will be lost for much, much longer than you would have been had you maintained and nurtured those connections.
We may feel very connected to those we know online, but if we're not spending time in real life with real people, we're not building the kind of tribe I'm talking about here.
Build your tribe before you need them. Reach out to those you feel connected to and nurture those relationships. Spend time face-to-face, schedule dates of walks, lunches, and silliness.
Make time now, because you may not have tomorrow.
*This post is dedicated to the memory of the sparkly, deeply intelligent, beautifully loving man lost on December 13, 2017, Kyle Boundy, and to his family and friends who will be forever changed for having experienced his love.*