Mid-Life Crisis? Dazed & Confused? You're Not Alone.

I recently read a sad article about a ridiculous number of women my age who are going through a sort of mid-life crisis. The part that caught my attention first was this:

"Hey," I said, happy to have caught her on a break from her job, "do you know anyone having a midlife crisis I could talk to?"

The phone was silent for a second.

Finally, she said, "I'm trying to think of any woman I know who's not."

When I read that exchange, I realized that women in my age range are having very similar experiences to current young adults just leaving high school and college.

Our world is so different from what I experienced as I left high school. Career paths were pretty traditional then, though there were some who took different journeys. Most of my friends didn’t think about the next step after high school because the next step was college; most of us never thought about NOT going on for a four year degree. I was surrounded by my middle class friends in suburban Colorado neighborhoods, but even my friends outside of that community knew the traditional path and generally followed it.

Those traditional paths still exist, but they’re an awful lot like where Kodak was about 30 years ago; they’re not real anymore.

Some people are seeing this as an exciting opportunity, a chance to do whatever seems right at any given moment. Others are experiencing a kind of agoraphobia, a sense of overwhelming loss and confusion. For them, it’s like being really hungry and going to a restaurant with too many menu options. They get so overwhelmed that they can’t make a decision and walk away starving.

Women who are going through this crisis are facing similarly overwhelming options, but instead of seeing this time as full of opportunity, they’re seeing it as failure, or worse, their lives completely shattered.

I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone likes to be in that “in-between” space, where I live most of the time. People who fit the equation comfort = happiness are overwhelmed by this time in their lives, while others who have consistently shifted gears to find the next adventure see this time as exciting and full of opportunity.

It’s hard to know what to do to help friends going through this phase of self-discovery and change; after all, their world is unbalanced and full of uncertainty. I’ve written about strategies for helping a person who is grieving, and they apply here, too. Remember that your friends are grieving. They’re grieving the loss of what they thought they wanted in life, the loss of their certainty, and potentially the loss of the foundation of their marriage and parents as their health deteriorates.

A good coach can help define the questions that need to be addressed, and will help clarify what the answers mean in terms of action steps and opportunities. Coaching is well worth the investment, and in combination with a counselor, can turn things around significantly. Not every counselor or coach is the same, so if you find one you don’t work well with, keep looking. Don’t stick with one you don’t feel excited to share with, but don’t give up on coaching or counseling if you have one negative or ineffective experience!

Listening is a huge part of allowing a person to grieve. If you are a good listener, that may be your primary role in helping your friends.

Being a positive force of encouragement and support is absolutely the best thing you can do for people. Make sure you have a small group that meets regularly to talk about the challenges and questions you’re all facing. More importantly, make sure the energy in that group remains positive. Each person in your group must have the ability and comfort level to intervene when a meeting turns into a rant session. A complaint-filled hour will only drag you down; when anyone in the group senses that things are going south in a conversation, they must know how to carefully switch gears and talk about actions people can take to move forward.

Are you going through a time of uncertainty? Are you feeling off-balance and lost? No one can solve your problems for you, but reaching out to encouraging, supportive, engaged friends will definitely help. I have what I call my N.A.G. group, Nudge – Advise – Guide, and we meet once each month to help us stay accountable to ourselves with our goals, to encourage and advise us when we have crazy ideas, and to guide us to make the best choices.

“If you regret any part of your past, think about your future, and make changes and efforts now, so you don’t look back again with regret.”

How you perceive this time in your life is YOUR CHOICE. You can wallow in sadness over the loss of what you thought you had, what you thought you wanted, or you can step up and live out the dreams you’ve dismissed while you were developing yourself to be who you are right now.

Dream big, take action, and be a good N.A.G. for others.

Get Out There!

Photo by Eliza Wiley, Lakeside Helena with Sarah Elkins and Bruce Anfinson, Cowboy Poet

She was sitting on a bench in the corner of the room, watching people dancing and having fun. I could see her toe tapping, she seemed to be enjoying the music, but I couldn't really tell because her face didn't show any signs of a smile. I saw her the last time our band played at that venue, and remembered when she quietly came to me afterward to tell me how much she liked our band, and that if she knew how to dance, she would have. She was so shy.

I called out to her from the stage: "Come on out, dance with us! I can see you want to! Come on out and have some fun!" I motioned to my friends on the dance floor, smiling to encourage her.

She looked behind her, assuming I was talking to someone else. And then she looked straight at me with zero expression. I gave up. A song or two later, I noticed she had left her spot and walked further away from stage, watching from a safer distance.

I remember being shy, I remember being more self conscious than I am now. I like to say I don't regret, but there are definitely some moments in my past that I wish I could do over again. A lot of them involve sitting out a great song because I was self conscious about dancing. Opportunities flew right past me: To sing with great musicians, to dance, to swim in the ocean. The memories of that person, the girl who didn't raise her hand to volunteer on stage, the girl who said no to a cute boy because she didn't think she could dance, the one who was so concerned about how she looked or that she might mess up a note, those memories came back to me as I watched the woman in the audience look away from me. What a waste.

How did things change for me? With a little help from my friends. I was lucky enough to have friends to pull me out on the dance floor, to volunteer me to get on a stage, to tell me not to be scared. Now I'm that friend.

At some point in my life, I realized:

1. It doesn't matter if you do something silly, as long as you own it. The audience likes to see you laugh, and if there are hecklers, they really don't matter.
2. The majority of the people in the audience want to see you succeed, they want to see you having fun, and many are thinking about how brave you are for getting up there.

I tell my friends, my coaching clients, my children, that they must step up when an opportunity presents itself. If for just a moment you think "wow, that looks like fun, I wonder what it's like to...", take it. Leave that self conscious person behind and take the leap.

Living with regret is not living. When you don't have the energy or physical ability to dance, will you be sitting in the corner, thinking "what I'd give to dance right now. I love this song."

I hope not. I know I won't be that person.

I'll be the one holding the mic.

Don't regret! Join me at No Longer Virtual in Denver on February 22 and 23, 2018. Early registration opens Friday, September 1, 2017. Don't miss this opportunity!

Nervous? If you're not, you're not doing it right.

Being nervous means what you're doing matters to you.

This post was inspired by a post by my friend Zach Messler, called "Overcome your fear of public speaking. Here's what I do." If you aren't a bit nervous about a speech or performance, you're probably not engaged or excited about what you're about to do.

It was 9:45 am and the ceremony was scheduled to begin at 10. I knew they would be running late because they were bringing in WWII veterans, most of them disabled, all of them 88+ years old, plus their families from all over the US and Canada. The First Special Service Force, sometimes referred to as the Devil's Brigade, had received the Congressional Medal of Honor, finally, earlier that year. The metal was being presented to Fort Harrison for display, as the home of the First Special Service Force in the beginning of WWII.

As the public affairs person for the city, I had been involved from the beginning of the plan for the weekend of activities, to include this ceremony at Fort Harrison on Friday morning, as well as a re-enactment of the parade on Saturday, of soldiers that marched down our main street just before they left Montana to head to Europe. When asked if I would sing the US and Canadian Nation Anthems for the parade, I was honored and accepted. My friend agreed to come to Helena to sing with me, so we could perform the songs in harmony.

I assumed they had found someone to perform the two anthems for the ceremony the day before the parade, so when I arrived that morning, I was surprised to hear they were planning to... use a recording.

It seemed insulting to me, so I impulsively offered to sing both anthems. Solo. Unaccompanied.

When I began the Star Spangled Banner, standing at the podium in front of more than 200 guests and a handful of WWII heroes, I was more nervous than I think I have ever been. My legs were shaking so hard, I thought they might actually collapse beneath me. I gripped the side of the podium with my left hand, hit the high note at the end, paused, and sang the Canadian National Anthem for the first time in my life. When I left the stage after the ceremony, a Canadian woman asked me: "Are you sure you're not Canadian?"

I've often been asked:

How do you get over the nerves during a performance?

• Change your internal message: "I'm so excited about this!" Instead of "I'm so nervous!"
• Breathe with intention. In other words, don't start speaking or singing until you have taken a few deep breaths to calm yourself. When you feel yourself getting shaky again, pause. When you're planning your presentation - mark your script at places where a pause would be natural.
• Insist on a microphone stand or a lapel mic. Holding a microphone will exacerbate your nerves, trust me. If you must hold a microphone, start by holding it with both hands. If you know ahead of time you'll be holding the mic, wear something heavy on your mic-holding wrist, like a large watch or bracelet. The weight will help with the shaking.
• Breathe into your diaphragm, relax your knees slightly, and tighten the muscles in your lower abdomen. Feel your knees wobbling and your heart racing? Don't try to stop the shaking, that just makes it worse. Make sure your feet are planted, your knees just slightly bent, and squeeze those muscles in your rear end - hard. This provides structure and a more solid foundation for your voice. That squeeze will help make the vibrato in your voice less noticeable.
• As part of your preparation, choose your shoes first, then build your outfit. Make sure you select shoes that make you feel confident and attractive. When you feel yourself start to shake, glance at your feet, solid in position, then look back up and continue. Again, plan your pauses so you have opportunities to collect yourself.

Zach Messler is a master of keeping an audience engaged, and he makes it look so easy! Give yourself credit for putting yourself out there - it's scary, and it's not something everyone has the courage to do. Practice these techniques while practicing Zach's and you'll improve every time you speak.

*cover photo courtesy of @elizawileyphotographer, parade photo courtesy of the Helena Independent Record

Know Your Deal-breakers

A Laundry List of “Wants” Leads to Arbitrary Boundaries and Limits Opportunities

My friend was telling me what she wanted in her next partner. The recent break-up wasn’t too ugly, but she didn’t want to make the same mistakes again.

My next guy will be taller, no facial hair, and will have a good job he’s satisfied with. He’ll know how to cook, and how to do his own laundry. He’ll know…

Her situation seemed very sad to me. From what she was describing, neither of them had shared their thoughts with the other, in terms of what they like and dislike, need and want. Neither had given the other an opportunity to change, if the relationship was worth it.

I listened to her story for a while, but I couldn’t understand why she would come up with a list of things she wanted in a partner, didn’t that just limit her opportunities?

“When Bob and I were first dating, we were driving to my aunt’s place about 2.5 hours north of where we lived. We had waited until later in the evening to avoid rush hour traffic, and my aunt had told me she would have some food ready for us when we got there. I was hungry, though, having had only a small lunch at work that day, so I said to Bob:

I’m hungry.

And he answered:

Me too.

And then we passed at least two exits with signs indicating there were restaurants nearby.

I said it again a little while later, and he passed an exit with a sign again.

I was pretty hangry at that point, frustrated at his lack of consideration for me. How could he not know I was hungry? I told him, didn’t I? And then the light bulb went on in my head. I told him I was hungry, but I didn’t tell him specifically to stop. Could I expect him to read my mind? Was that fair, given our completely different thought processes? (Which is one thing I loved about him.)

As I saw another sign indicating food nearby, I said:

Hey — there’s a McDonald’s at the next exit. Would you please stop so I can grab a small snack?

He pulled off the highway at the exit, and bought me a burger.

Ah ha! All I had to do was use my words. I’m still learning this lesson, more than 20 years later. Sometimes you have to be really specific about what you want; even after many years together, we still have to use our words.

Use your words.

When I finished my story, my friend sat back with an amused look on her face.

So what you’re saying is that I need to tell the guy I’m dating when something he’s doing is bothering me, or if I want something from him.

That’s right. Even if you think you’re being obvious, he can’t read your mind. Be careful with that, though. If what he’s doing is annoying, don’t nag; tell him, and if it doesn’t change, decide if it’s a deal-breaker. After more than 20 years together, that’s something I consider a lot before I bring up that kind of conversation.

I suggested that she think about writing a list of deal breakers for her next relationship, instead of a list of things she wants in a partner. It makes more sense to consider what you’ve learned from past experiences, and know for sure what you DON’T want.

Every job I have, every relationship, and every situation that doesn’t end the way I had intended, I learn from. It‘s a more open approach to consider what I don’t want next, because, really, I have no idea what else is out there for me. If I have a laundry list of things I want in my next adventure, I might miss some amazing opportunity because my focus is on something so specific.

5 Reasons to Attend No Longer Virtual

I've been avoiding the listicle for years now; it seems putting a number in the title almost guarantees people will click on it. I find that kind of sad, but if that's what it takes to help people avoid missing a great opportunity, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.

We're working hard on the agenda to make sure NLV2018 is as inspiring, motivating, and engaging as #NLV2017 was. Sign up for updates so you don't miss early registration, opening in October!

5) Hotel Indigo, Downtown Denver

This city is a great place to explore, even in February. The location of the hotel makes it easy to get around without having to rent a car. It's a 40 minute train ride directly from the airport to Union Station, across the street from the hotel, and adjacent to the 16th Street Mall, which is chock full of great restaurants, shopping, galleries, and microbreweries. Hotel Indigo opened its doors in January this year, and is sure to be an outstanding, un-boxed, non-traditional conference host. Make it a longer trip and visit the area's world class ski resorts!

Dustin McKissen & John White enjoy an NLV2017 session

4) Entrepreneurial Development

Sessions include hard and soft skills, facilitated by people who really get it. If you want to be successful, you need to learn, practice, and maintain your people skills and your ability to leverage online relationships in your offline life. Even those with the best skills can use some reminders and time to practice truly connecting with an audience, whether that's a potential client, a current client, an employee, or members of your community.

3) No Keynotes, No Awkward "Networking", No Over-filled Conference Rooms

Why no keynotes? Because everyone in the room has something to contribute to every topic. Sessions are designed for interaction, to leverage the experience and insights in the room. No Longer Virtual uses the side-conversations and after-hours connections and makes them the foundation of the experience. With a registration limit of 50 participants, you can expect real value in content and interaction. As a good friend wisely noted, there's a difference between networking and building a network.

There's nothing like a Heather Younger smile!

2) Face-to-Face Meeting with Your Favorite LinkedIn Connections

This is your opportunity to meet some of your favorite LinkedIn connections face-to-face. There is no better way to truly explore where a relationship can take you and your business than to meet face-to-face. Articles have been written about the first #NLV, and the incredible experiences resulting from meeting face-to-face, find links below.

The number 1 reason to attend #NLVDenver, #NLV2018...

1) Surrounded by Curious, Perceptive, Honest, Generous, Intelligent People

How often do you surround yourself with people who genuinely care about each other and their success? The people participating in NLV aren't there to sell you anything; they're part of something much bigger than themselves, and they embrace it. This will be one of the most inspiring events you've ever experienced, not because of the outstanding content being delivered, but because of the people in the room.

Read some of the articles written by participants:

• Would You Travel 2461.9 Miles to Connect with Your LinkedIn Network? Amy Blaschka
• I came for content. I left with a tribe. Zach Messler
• Lessons from No Longer Virtual. Your Chance in 2018. Christian Farber
• And a Voice to Speak With, The Circle of Humanity Thomas Jackson

Don't believe me? Ask them in the comments below.

Join us at No Longer Virtual in Denver on February 22 and 23, 2018. Sign up to receive periodic updates, including early registration opening date... don't miss this opportunity!

Follow me on Twitter, @sarahelkins, and watch for the hashtags #NLV2018, #NLVDenver, and #NoLongerVirtual

Be a sponsor for No Longer Virtual 2018, contact me for details!

So THAT's What Mindfulness Feels Like

I stood at the edge of the trail, my face in the sun and my eyes closed behind my sunglasses.

My phone buzzed. A new text. I reached into my pocket and was about to pull the phone out, when I stopped myself. It can wait.

I turned my face back into the sun, feeling the warmth on the exposed part of my chest above my t-shirt, and the cool breeze chilling my calves below my running pants.

My phone buzzed again. Another text. I reached into my pocket and was about to pull the phone out, when I stopped myself again. It can wait.

Once more, I turned my head up toward the sun, but this time kept my eyes open, looking closely at the pine needles on the tree a few feet above my head. They were shimmering and gently moving in the breeze. I could hear the wind gusts traveling up the side of the mountain through the trees, a wave of sound getting louder as it moved closer to me at a crest on the hill.

Summit, Mt Helena City Park, Helena, Montana

I lost myself, just briefly, in the sounds around me. Taking my time, I inventoried my surroundings and my body’s response to the sun and the wind. I noticed the goosebumps on my legs, but didn’t feel cold. I noticed the warm sensation from the sun on my skin, in direct contrast with the goosebumps created by the cool breeze. The wind seemed to stop. Everything around me was suddenly in hyper focus, silent, like a bubble of peace and comfort surrounding me. I was aware of everything but myself in that moment. My hamster mind was silent.

When my father was dying, one word brought him great comfort.

The phrase refers to being present. It appears when G-d is talking to Moses and asks where he is. Of course he knows where Moses is, right? So Moses responds with “he-nay-nee”, or “Here I am.” He’s letting G-d know that he’s all-in, that he is present, aware, and ready to listen and learn.

When I visited my father a few days before he died, he would mumble the word over and over again, reminding himself not to be concerned with the past or the future, and to just be in this “in-between” space, with grace and mindfulness.

It wasn’t surprising that as I stood on the mountain in my bubble of silence, that word would resonate in my head. I said it out loud. I felt it. I believed it. Here I am.

He-Nay-Nee. Here I Am.

I’ve never considered myself a religious person, though we celebrate the Jewish holidays and find great value in the rituals; I’ve always felt a strong connection to nature, the people around me, and a kind of universal energy. I think that’s why I was so open in that moment, it was like a message, and I heard it so clearly.

As I jogged back down the mountain, thighs burning from the descent, I kept repeating the word. Every rock, every tree root, every turn in the path lit up in front of me as I ran, fully present, on that beautiful spring day.

When I stepped into my yard, breathing hard and smiling with satisfaction, I thought:

So THAT’s what mindfulness feels like.

Join me at No Longer Virtual in Denver on February 22 and 23, 2018. Sign up to receive periodic updates, including early registration opening date… don’t miss this opportunity!

Follow me on Twitter, @sarahelkins, and watch for the hashtags #NLV2018, #NLVDenver, and #NoLongerVirtual

There are sponsorship opportunities for No Longer Virtual 2018, contact me for details.

Storytelling: It's All the Rage

Why Using "Buzzwords" Bugs Me

I like to think I was one of the first to use it in my title. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't; we all know storytelling has been around since, well, the beginning of human existence. For thousands of years, stories were how history, culture, and relationships have been shared and carried forward. They continue to serve multiple purposes, including teaching basic concepts, morality, ethics, religion, and more.

Prior to the age of general literacy, storytelling was the only way to share your community and family history. Stories passed down from generation to generation are what connect us, not only to our family and personal identity, but to the rest of the global community.

Given our human nature to share stories, it’s a bit surprising that suddenly, over the past 2+ years, storytelling has become a big buzzword. Storytelling for content marketing, storytelling for sales, storytelling for company culture, storytelling for interviews & résumés... as if there's some magical component of business and life that was recently discovered and will change everything!

Why does this bother me so much?

Maybe it’s because of my discovery a few years ago of my skill in helping people and organizations better understand and share their stories, both as a tool for general communication, and as a way to improve personal outcomes. There aren’t a lot of really skilled storytellers, and there are even fewer good teachers of storytelling.

Maybe the buzzword status of storytelling bothers me because, by making it its very own thing, we take the word out of the context of every other component of communication. Like the word engagement. Suddenly, over the past few years, engagement is a word that gets tossed around every industry: Education, manufacturing, travel, public sector agencies. As if, by using the word engagement, we can change the culture and dynamic of an environment without putting it into the context of profit, communication, management, leadership, marketing/sales, human resources, customer experience, etc.

All buzzwords do this, and it has always bugged me.

The same goes for storytelling. It doesn’t happen in a vacuum. To be a storyteller on any medium, you have to have a story to tell. As my friend Shlomi Ron, of Visual Storytelling Institute, says, you have to be a storyMAKER first. And then you must use the story in context, with an audience, in a way that moves people to do something or to feel something. That’s the beauty and complexity of communication; there are so many components, and storytelling is just one of them.

In business, telling your story has to fit into the culture and context of your organization. That means, prior to coming up with the language of your story, you need to do some digging. Remember the “why” behind your business; take into account your mission, vision, and overall goals. Think about the people involved, including employees, leadership, customers, and other stakeholders (the communities you impact), and figure out how your story will impact them.

And then consider which stories to tell, how to tell them them, and where they should be told.

Be intentional about your storytelling, make it real, not just another buzzword.

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Here's what Ben Walker at Transcription Outsourcing had to say about No Longer Virtual 2017:

...the NLV conference was full of a bunch of "givers" and no "takers". I'm pretty sure that's why we all loved it so much, no one had an agenda, and no one tried to sell me anything. That's the first time I've been to a conference like that since I started going to conferences 15 years ago. 

Save the Date: No Longer Virtual 2018 in Denver, February 22 and 23. Sign up to receive periodic updates, including early registration opening date... don't miss this opportunity!

There are great sponsorship opportunities for No Longer Virtual 2018, contact me for details.

Ready to work with me on your storytelling techniques? I'm taking on new coaching clients now! Get started with a three-session package.