Dreams Expose Your Internal Stories

How Do You Interpret Recurring Dreams?

Over the years, I've written about both kinds of dreams, awake and asleep.

I've always believed our sleeping dreams have some deeper meaning and purpose than entertainment; when my husband gave me a book about interpretations of dreams, my belief was solidified.

There's a lot of research about dreams, and many don't believe they have any kind of meaning. The book I read proposed that our dreams are made up of our subconscious observations, and that the purpose of some dreams is to prepare our conscious minds for situations that may occur in our waking life. The dreams aren't necessarily direct messages from subconscious to conscious minds, actually, they rarely are. And that's where interpretation comes in.

One recurring dream I wrote about was from when I was pregnant with our older son. My husband and I were living in Washington DC, and I had a great career in front of me. I was commuting at least an hour each way to work throughout my pregnancy, and when we were well into the second half, I researched and hired a great nanny to stay with the baby after my maternity leave ended.

From my teen years until I was almost 30, I had no intention of having children. It wasn't until I met my husband that I considered the idea. Because I'm somewhat impulsive, considering the idea didn't last long - I was pregnant just a few months later.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I started to have a recurring, very unpleasant dream that I had twins. One baby was much bigger than the other, and I kept dropping the big one. People would give me dirty looks as I quickly picked up the baby, who was always fine, and did my best to manage the weight and awkwardness of holding both of them.

After a few weeks of this dream, I realized what the dream was telling me: I was concerned about being able to balance a career and a new baby. It never came clear to me which was the big one I was dropping, career or family, but once I interpreted the dream and started to address my anxiety through conversations with my employer, my husband, and our nanny, the dreams stopped.

Others I wrote about were my recurring exposure dreams. A few evenings before or after I step out of my comfort zone, either on stage or any type of performance, I'll have dreams that I am trying to shower or go to the bathroom, I'm naked, and there are no shower or stall doors. In those dreams, I'm exposed as people are walking by as if nothing is wrong or awkward.

My recent interpretation of a recurring dream prompted this article: Spider webs.

I've been uncomfortable at best, terrified at worst, around spiders and spider webs for as long as I can remember. I've never really been afraid of things, but spiders definitely get my heart racing.

Also for as long as I can remember, I've had awful dreams of being down in a basement, surrounded by spider webs/cob webs. In my dreams, I walk down to get something, and when I turn around to get out, there are webs all around me. They rarely have visible spiders on them, but I know they're around. I try to find a space big enough to squeeze myself through without touching the webs, and in some cases I push my way through, feeling the webs on my skin and hair, terrified that a spider is on my head or body somewhere, and I wake up shaking. In other cases, I just wake up, never having gotten through the webs, and with no resolution.

It finally dawned on me (pun intended), that these recurring dreams aren't that difficult to interpret. Maybe it's because my family is facing some real challenges with potential long-term consequences, or maybe it's because I finally have the insight to understand them.

Those webs are the fears and discomforts I'm facing. I know walking through them will be unpleasant, or even dangerous, and my subconscious mind is making me go through those webs over and over again. It's trying to prepare me to face these fears, and know that somehow I'll get through them. It's also acknowledging the nature of the fears - that they're just spider webs, which are generally pretty lightweight and breakable, but that they have the potential for danger because of the poisonous black widow spiders that may be lurking on them.

I'm hopeful that with this interpretation, my spider web dreams will change in some way, and that maybe they'll even stop. But I'm not in denial, I know these dreams serve a purpose, and as long as I'm living, growing, and taking risks, I'll be followed by them.

Do you have recurring dreams? Did you ever consider how, or if, they can be interpreted? Do you believe in dreams as subconscious messages? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Music and Stories: Lessons Easily Applied

Music Performance as Analogy for Successful Team Building

Being agreeable meant going with whatever mix happened to be in Ranjith's in-ear monitor when he started playing in his church band. That meant that sometimes during rehearsal and performance, Ranjith couldn't hear each musician playing with him, and that sometimes he couldn't discern percussion from bass, or vocals from his keyboard.

When he decided to try adjusting the mix, and not just going with whatever was coming through his small earbuds, he was suddenly aware of what he was missing. He was only hearing part of what was being performed on stage. As a result of the improved, more balanced mix, his performance improved. Not only could he better hear all musicians participating, he could feel the music as a whole, instead of separate parts, giving him a much better understanding and appreciation of the energy of the musicians, and what the audience was hearing and responding to.

We've all heard or read analogies about how music can be applied to the workplace, like when a symphony is well conducted so all instruments are in the same place in the sheet music. But when we talk about Ranjith's experience, that analogy takes on a whole different rhythm. It's not just about each person playing her part, or about the conductor making clear movements for the musicians to follow; it's about each musician listening - and being able to hear - all other musicians.

Are you getting the whole mix in your monitor? Or are you listening to small pieces of the story or music, and missing what could be an important aspect of the discussion?

In this podcast, Ranjith and I had a great conversation about how we apply our music performance to other parts of our professional lives.

At the end of the podcast, I referred to a song Ranjith and I had the pleasure to perform at a jam session following No Longer Virtual in Denver. And here it is, for your listening pleasure the version of People Get Ready performed by Eva Cassidy:

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Ranjith Abraham is a professional musician with an engineering background. He's currently works in Regulatory Affairs Labeling, an unlikely place for someone so creative, but he likes it! He draws inspiration from life lessons that are tucked away in the insignificant happenings around him, while his passion for music/photography fuels my creativity in problem solving, and helps him genuinely connect with people.

Stories as Lessons for What NOT to Do

Discerning Patterns and Choosing Change

Sometimes our biggest models in behavior are the worst ones, and if we are paying attention and can stop the patterns in our lives, we can learn who we don't want in be.

How many times have you spoken to a child and thought: "that was my mother's voice! I swore I'd never say THAT!"? You make a decision, then and there, never to do it again. But you do, probably a few more times before the lesson sinks in.

The best managers, leaders, and yes, parents, are the ones who have had those negative experiences and actively, intentionally choose to do things differently.

In this podcast, Mary Schaefer shares a couple of stories of bosses who gave bad advice, and couldn't see the value in treating everyone in the workplace with respect, no matter what their position. One was even convinced that if she interacted in a friendly way with people in the "lower" positions, she'd never get promoted.

In some ways we are definitely impacted by the people we surround ourselves with. At the same time, being friendly and respectful of everyone is our responsibility as human beings. Mary is one of the humans working to bring that word back into the workplace, and she knew when she heard that advice coming from her supervisor's mouth, that she must be true to herself if she wanted to look in the mirror and be okay with what she saw there.

What are you doing as a leader or manager that you learned from another leader or manager? Are those good lessons? Are you emulating the things you disliked about a manager or supervisor? Will you make the effort to do things differently, now that you recognize the patterns?

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Mary Schaefer's passion for improving relationships among team members is demonstrated by the success she has had in increasing employee engagement, productivity, and efficiency with her clients.

Mary Schaefer, SHRM-CP, PHR loves helping people at work to get along better, enjoy their work more, develop, succeed and thrive. Visit her company website, Artemis Path, Inc. to learn more.

Please connect with her on LinkedIn to learn more about what she does to improve relationships among team members.

Stories Shared Create Safe Space

Demonstrate Caring Online, Make a Difference Offline

Nicole Herbig and her partner, Maggie Rose, at RE|BORN are acutely aware of the different world they're experiencing as a result of growing up not only as digital natives, but at the cusp of another industrial revolution.

Her story isn't unique in that many young people have experience with mental health issues in their families. But her story is unique in that she sees this online social world for the impacts it's having on her peers, and she's doing something about it.

In this episode, Nicole and I share stories of our experiences with that disconnection our community members are feeling as a result of trying to replace face-to-face relationships with online relationships. In our discussion, we come to the conclusion that when we are intentional and caring in our activities on social media, we can translate that creation of safe space into an in-person safe space.

Toward the end of our conversation, we shared stories about the role music plays in how we connect with our own feelings, and to others around us. I mentioned a song our older son shared with me in his early teen years, and if I hadn't had the realization I needed to be fully present when he shared it, I might have missed an important opportunity to better understand him at that time in his life:

As is usually the case, the story I shared triggered a memory for Nicole, one about how music helped her look past her own discomfort with her mother's mental illness, to reach out to her and work toward improving their relationship:

Nicole's story is one we're going to hear more and more in the coming decades, and it makes me hopeful that younger generations are seeing the digital disconnect and finding ways to leverage these powerful tools to address big issues in mental health.

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I write a lot about the disconnect between us and our human nature, particularly related to our dependence on our virtual connections. To read one of these articles, click here.

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If you write on topics related to suicide, there are great resources available to make sure you are doing more good than harm. As a relatively uninformed professional on this topic, I use this website, ReportingSuicide.Org as a resource.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Call 1–800–273–8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Nicole Herbig is days away from completing her bachelor degree in counseling psychology at Pillar College in New Jersey - with a 4.0 GPA. She's also full of creative energy and ambition, working to help address mental health issues in a way only a digital native can - using the constantly adaptive tools of technology at her fingertips. Learn more about Nicole and connect with her on LinkedIn, and visit the RE|BORN in its infancy, as she and her partner, Maggie Rose, continue to develop the mission and vision of this innovative project.

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Your Value is Yours to Define

How you share your stories matters.

Arminda Lindsay is a force. She's a force of integrity, love, and inner strength. That's because she knows who she is, what drives her, and that she does Arminda better than anyone else could.

She wasn't always this way. Her life isn't all roses and sunshine; it took her a long time to come to the point of trusting herself and her instincts enough to bring her whole self to every environment. This is a large part of what makes her such a good coach.

In this podcast, Arminda shares a couple of stories that will resonate with listeners; one is an example of when she not only realized her boundaries for what she would accept from others, she set them definitively by walking away from a job after an abusive event.

When we share stories like this, they're not only reminders, or evidence that we are resilient; these stories help others to know they're not alone, and that they can make decisions that are right for them. We learn from these stories that we CAN and MUST choose ourselves and our well-being, and that we define our own value. If we don't define our value for ourselves, we leave that critical aspect of our lives to those around us. And very few people will value us any more than we value ourselves.

The first step must be define our core values, and to be introspective enough to recognize what drives us. As Arminda said in the podcast, if we want to find satisfaction in life, we must stick to our integrity, our knowledge of our own needs. Because if that's out of alignment, nothing feels right, and we lose our sense of self.

Bonus: In the podcast, Arminda shared something about herself that I didn't know, though now that I do, I'm not at all surprised. Here's a little something to make you smile:

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Arminda loves coaching extraordinary women to see the beauty of who they truly are by accessing the power they possess when they step into ownership of their full expression. In addition to working with women, she has also worked with C-Suite executives, leadership teams, business owners, and entrepreneurs for over a decade, and is a trusted advisor who coaches leaders to elevate their strategic thinking and performance to expand their vision and its impact on their organizations and leadership teams.

From her website:

When Choose Your Own Adventure books hit the scene my enthusiasm could not be sated. I devoured these books, always reading them from start to stop as many times as I could choose a different direction to guide the fate of the main character through one seemingly critical decision after another, never tiring of the delightful discovery of how one choice could lead to such different consequences and possible outcomes. When I came to the conclusion of a series of choices, I happily turned back to page one and started over again, always choosing differently than my previous read through the same plot.

I’ve come to understand that my life is no different than the storybooks I’ve always loved to read. And up until a few years ago, I was so invested in believing my own story to be true that I was no more writing my story as much as I was allowing it to be written by everything and everyone around me. I was a character in my own story, but one who existed at the mercy of the plot unfolding around me.

Your "What" Defines Your "Why", and Your "How" Follows

It was a valuable couple of hours for me, and not because I was paid for them. I walked away from the workshop with that Rock Star Feeling (RSF). It's that feeling when you walk away from an encounter, project, or situation knowing you nailed it. I call it RSF because I've experienced it as a musician; walking away from a performance with that euphoric high feeling, and knowing you will do almost anything to feel that way again... soon. It's that sense that you're really good at something; you've contributed, and that you're providing value to the people around you.

1.) Storytelling to Improve Sales

I had completed a two-hour workshop focused on the topic of storytelling to improve sales, as part of a two-day retreat for a regional group of sales leaders, when I walked away with that feeling. When the workshop ended, almost everyone in the room took a moment to ask me a question, share a story, or hug me before I walked out the door.

As a group, we created space for everyone in that room to feel safe, comfortable, and curious. We shared stories that connected us, and we discussed what makes a specific personal story the right story to share, when, and how to share it. We talked about reading our audience, and we came to the conclusion that in sales, we have to be in it for the long haul if we want to sustain our business and the relationships we create. It was clear that sharing a personal story is one great strategy to draw out the stories of others. We also talked about the fact that business is about people, and that when someone buys from us, they're not just buying a product; they're creating a relationship with us.

It took me a few hours to decompress and process everything that happened in those two hours, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I had discovered - or uncovered - something about myself that I had been searching for.

2.) No Longer Virtual

That was two weeks before I hosted the second annual No Longer Virtual conference, or #NLVDenver. Not quite a rock star feeling, as I decompressed in the days following #NLV, I found myself a little conflicted. I knew it was a success, and by the accounts of almost every participant, people got far more out of attending than they could have imagined. But I couldn't put my finger on what, exactly, was giving me this feeling of dissatisfaction. That is - until I was sharing this vulnerability with my dear friend Aaron Skogen, and he asked me this question:

How did you plan to define success with #NLV?

I was more than a little embarrassed. With all of my education, experience and my incredible support network, I hadn't considered this important question at all. Well, that's not exactly true. I had considered what I wanted out of #NLV, but I hadn't written it down anywhere. I hadn't told anyone, and I hadn't found ways to quantify success, other than breaking even financially in the first few years.

When I considered the question, I realized that success for NLV was simply creating an environment for people to connect authentically, and to learn and grow together. And it was certainly a success if I measured it that way.

A few years ago, I realized I'm a slow processor. It takes time for me to fully process an event, an incident, an intense conversation. By process, I mean to fully reflect on what it meant to me, the lessons I could learn from it, and how I'll apply whatever it was to future scenarios. And now, more than a year after the first #NLV, I'm finally feeling like I've fully processed the experience.

Good things come in threes, I'm told, and it was the third event that finally helped me put things together in my head.

3.) Women's Leadership Network, Helena, Membership Social

Our local Women's Leadership Network hosted a social event and invited women from all over the community to network, ride the carousel, drink champagne, and eat ice cream. The goal was to create buzz and recognition for our growing, thriving organization, and to encourage more women to join. It was a success in many ways, but the key for me was the environment we created as a board. We created space in our little community for women to be together in a casual, fun place, to share food and drinks, and to be comfortable being themselves.

For a while, I focused on my "why" as my ability to encourage people to step out of their comfort zones and take risks they wouldn't otherwise take. Now I know that ability is a component of something more dynamic. It took me figuring out my "what" to truly define my "why". Sounds backward, right? Does it matter how you get there, as long as you get there? I don't think so.

Here it is, my "what"... drum roll, please...

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As I work to process this new idea, I can see that everything I've done successfully in my past has been part of this "why", from hosting guests in our home, to facilitating groups for the Montana University System, to creating a safe place in an office for people to share their frustrations and successes.

Where ever I sit, I am compelled to create an environment where people feel safe and confident to share their biggest dreams, fears, joys, and challenges. Whatever I am doing, I find my joy, my satisfaction, in creating space for people to take risks for personal and professional growth, and support and motivate them to take specific steps to achieve their goals.

And my "why" followed:

This isn't an overnight lightning bolt; it has taken years of self reflection to come to my "why", and many pivotal conversations with people who know me, and for whom I have so much respect, admiration, and gratitude. What's a little disconcerting is that one person has been telling me this for almost 20 years; I'm not sure I was ready to believe it, and I definitely didn't have a clue how to apply it to providing income for me and my family.

And now? Now I'm ready to put my "why" into my "what", so the "how" will present itself. (Thanks, Arminda Lindsay.)

I'm asking for your help in putting my "what" into action:

When you're planning a retreat or conference, and you want a session that's truly unique, engaging, and effective in creating space for your team to explore storytelling as a tool for communication and sales, call me. Let's explore how my "why" can help you fully realize your "how".

Even in Dreams, Stories Offer Opportunity for Self Reflection

Exposed? Vulnerable? That's good, because that's how we connect.

I had to go to the bathroom so badly. I might have a very embarrassing situation in the next few moments. As I moved through the restaurant to find the women's restroom, I could feel my face warming, blushing.

I couldn't find the bathroom and started walking much faster, a feeling of desperation washing over me. The building was huge, with twists and hallways and lots of tables and guests. Finally, there it was, the entrance was hidden in a dark corner. I walked through - none of the stalls had doors.

It was weird. People (men and women) just walking by these open stalls like there was nothing awkward about it. I went into a stall to find a big mess on the floor and around the toilet. It was filthy. I couldn't even think about going to the bathroom there. I tried to find another stall, looking for some semblance of privacy. I felt totally exposed. But no one seemed to notice; not one person looked at me or acknowledged the odd situation. I didn't know what to do.

And then I woke up, perspiring and shaking.

It took me all day to get my tremors to calm down.

It was the night before a gig. I would be performing on stage that evening; singing songs I knew well, with musicians I knew would competently back me up. And yet, clearly my subconscious mind was telling me I was nervous.

I’m a big believer that our dreams can help us identify issues that are buried in our subconscious minds. When we can interpret a recurring dream, we can start to address the concerns we have that aren’t as straightforward or obvious as we might hope.

I have this exposure dream or something similar to it, pretty consistently before gigs, presentations, and other events where I know I’ll be putting myself out there – working outside my comfort zone.

Sometimes the dream involves me looking for a shower, or taking a shower and realizing there are no curtains and people can see me. Sometimes I care and get embarrassed, trying to cover up. Once in a while in my dream, I decide it doesn't matter if people can see me naked in the shower, I feel proud and free and not at all embarrassed. That doesn't happen often.

My dreams have always been vivid and generally easy to translate and interpret. The two described above are the easiest to figure out. It's simply a matter of feeling naked, vulnerable, and exposed. The fact that I have these dreams before a gig or presentation isn't surprising; after all, singing & performing for an audience is like being naked in public - if you're doing it right.

Being authentic is easier for some people than it is for others. It's probably the most important aspect of public speaking and performance. Read any book on public speaking, including one of my favorites, Talk Like TED, and you'll read the same concept:

Be authentic because any audience can tell when you aren't, and they will simply dismiss you and your message.

There’s another important side of the discussion of dreams: The ones you have in your waking hours. You know - the dream of owning your own business, being your own boss, being a rock star, having a successful career, writing a book, and on and on. The question about those dreams is whether you have to monetize them to make them relevant, valid, and successful. I don’t think so.

It started with Craig’s list. My husband responded to someone looking for a musician to play with, just for kicks. Ryan came over one night while I was out with friends and when I arrived home, he was putting his guitar back into his car. I introduced myself and asked him about his music, about his family. That’s when he told me about his wife, Twila. She used to sing with a couple of gospel choirs. Instinct kicked in and I invited him to bring his wife and daughter for dinner the following week.

We had a lovely meal, and while our boys and their daughter watched anime movies in the other room; I pulled Twila into our music room and picked a song for us to try together. Neither of us had been singing for a while, for me it had been about 20 years since I had done anything more than sing to our children. It was magical. Our voices blended and wrapped around one another in an extraordinary resonance. We had chills up our spines, the hairs on our necks rose as we sang together. There were moments when our voices were so well balanced, so completely joined, it sounded like there was an organ behind us.

One music night turned into a music night each week, which turned into two music nights some weeks. More musicians were invited to join us, friends came by for dinner and to listen to us practice. Our house developed an incredible reputation for good food and great music. Ryan and Bob learned each other’s strengths and weaknesses and challenged each other to practice and improve their guitar playing. Twila and I were so inspired; we would begin a song and could feel our voices taking it to a different dimension. We experimented with songs that we had never heard performed with harmonies, magical is an understatement. We eventually realized that we had about a dozen songs down well enough to perform them and took the first step to creating a band – open mic night at a local coffee shop. We had such positive feedback, we needed a band name. The Perfect Jones was born.

I had no idea that performing – singing – was my dream.

I never dreamed I would be a professional musician. I never dreamed that people would pay to hear me sing. Now that it’s happening I realize it is a wonderful dream and one I am not willing to give up any time soon. When I talk about our band and performing, my grin shows all of my teeth.

Singing is my part-time job, and it doesn’t pay well.

But it’s my dream.

Do I have to monetize it to make it real or valid?
Does my dream have to get bigger; do I have to want more from it? No.

I just have to keep wanting it, despite my sleep-time dreams of vulnerability and exposure.

If your dreams are trying to tell you that you're stressed, anxious, and feeling exposed, listen to them.

Acknowledge the fear and find tools to work through it. When I wake up from one of these dreams, I take time to assess my fears in a clear, strategic way.

What am I really afraid of?

What's the worst thing that could happen?

How likely is it that the audience will be as critical of me as I am of myself?

What steps will you take to realize your dream, even if it scares you?