An Unlikely Foundation for Optimism

Some Stories Teach Us the Wrong Lessons - At First

When she was a teenager, Jennifer Heflin overheard a conversation between her parents that gave her the impression the only way to succeed in business is to be aggressive, unkind, and ruthless.

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That was the story she told herself as she completed her MBA at Wharton, and started her career on Wall Street. It stuck with her so deeply that she left Wall Street because she simply didn't have that cutthroat attitude and the environment didn't work for her.

As she started to process her career, and focused on mindfulness and self-reflection, she realized that the culture she experienced was just one perspective of the business world. Her awakening moment came to her in the early morning on a beautiful spring day: It doesn't have to be that way.

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Jennifer Heflin is a personal development coach with a focus on meditation, mindfulness, emotional mastery and empowerment. She is also the founder of Angels Evolution, a company on a mission to bring personal growth to the business world. You can find Jennifer’s podcast, Embracing Mastery, on iTunes, Spreaker, SoundCloud and YouTube.

Your History is Your Story; It Doesn't Have to Be Your Future

At Some Point, We Must Take Responsibility for Our Happiness

Shelley Beth Brown is one of those creative people that, when we first meet her, we assume has always thrived in creative environments. Her writing is whimsical, raw, and full of childhood imagination.

I asked her to be a guest on the podcast because I knew there was a lot to her history, and how her family and early career shaped her incredible storytelling.

It turns out that we have one important thing in common in our childhood: Our families had a similar definition of success that included having money and things. We were shaped by the belief that there was some recipe for success that included making a lot of money, and for some reason, people with a lot of money and things were to be admired.

Thinking that way shaped our career decisions in a big way, and now we're both finding that though we don't regret those decisions because of the learning and growth opportunities they provided. Those decisions didn't fit our needs, or our true definition of success, but they led us to insights and a different understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

But now, as adults, we're finding that success looks very different to us than it did to our parents. Success in Shelley's life means spending time with her adorable dog, in the city she loves, writing and creating stories from her extensive childhood daydreams. What it takes to make an income to support that success almost doesn't matter, as long as it involves a supportive team and a creative environment.

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Shelley Brown is a connector of humans, and is addicted to helping people. On her days off, you might find her standing at an intersection near an L station in Chicago, with a sign "free directions", literally helping stranded travelers find their way. She's also a gifted writer, just discovering here profound impact on the people around her through her imaginative, hilarious stories that are as relatable as anything we can imagine from our childhood. Her Write Naked article has inspired me and many others to expose our true selves in order to grow and build authentic relationships.

Her professional strength is in sales, and when she's in an environment with people who "get" her, she simply glides into highly successful relationships with the clients she serves. Connect with her on LinkedIn to learn more.

Every Event Tells a Story

It's Your Guests Who Will Tell It

Suzanne Spaner and I have a few things in common, but the one I enjoy chatting with her the most about is our event planning and hospitality experience. You see, anyone who has ever worked in that industry, including restaurants, is guaranteed to have great stories to share.

It occurred to me that at some point in their lives, nearly every person is tasked with planning an event of some kind. It could be a child's birthday party, a wedding, a meeting, a conference, or even a basic dinner party, but all events have one thing in common - guests.

That's why I asked Suzanne to chat with me about how we apply storytelling to event planning, and she certainly didn't disappoint.

We agreed that one of the most important parts of planning an event is to consider how we want our guests to leave; what do we want them to talk about, remember, and feel when they leave, and weeks, months, or years later?

When we answer those questions, the event begins to take shape, priorities emerge, and creativity can take its place, front and center.

I hope that when you listen to this conversation, you'll consider some of these strategies when planning your next event, no matter what it is.

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Suzanne Spaner is the Founder of Meeting Matchmakers, a one-stop-shop, no-fee service that helps corporations, organizations, and families find, negotiate, and book group events (10 or more overnight rooms) at hotels worldwide. Visit her website and connect with her on LinkedIn to learn more!

Your #Why Doesn't Matter

Find Your What, Find Your Purpose.

"I have to figure out my purpose."

"I'm struggling to find my 'why'."

"I feel like I'm walking through deep sand, lost and with no purpose."

Many of my friends and clients are in transition, and these are the phrases I hear.

This may be controversial... I think seeking your "why" is overrated, and not particularly helpful in finding happiness and fulfillment. Distilling what you believe down to a basic, clear concept is important, but when you think about it, your "why" is likely pretty similar to the people you admire and spend time with.

Here's an example: 

“I believe that every human has value and can contribute to our global community...”

Neil Hughes at #NLVDenver

Follow that sentence with anything related to helping people find happiness, and you have a pretty common "why". The values aren't cliché; the words just don't describe you as a unique human.

It's your "what" that is your unique value proposition, not your "why".

I wrote about finding my "what", and the lightning bolt I experienced as a result. Discovering my "what" took me directly to my "why", but that didn't really change anything.

What changed my perspective, my focus for my work and professional development was that by discovering my "what", I found my current purpose.

There's some expectation that when the lightning bolt hits, you'll suddenly and immediately be able to apply your epiphany to improve your income and happiness... and that's pretty unlikely. Though I still feel incredibly energized with my discovery, it takes time to figure out how to apply my "what" to my work, and to everything else in my life. Because if you can't apply your "what" across the spectrum of your life activities, it's probably not your "what".

Confused? Here's my example, my "what":

This epiphany came suddenly, after some major introspection and discussion with trusted friends, but the "what" itself was building over many years. When I realized this truth about my superpower, I was able to look back on years of RSMs to see the pattern.

There are so many things I've been inspired by and interested in, which is part of why finding this was such a challenge. For instance, I've been planning and hosting events since I was 12 years old when I planned a crazy surprise party for my little sister. For a little while, I had a catering business, and at one point in my career I was the director of sales at a hotel, planning and hosting events.

That was when I assumed my superpower was event planning and dove deeply into that activity.

#NLVDenver Session

One of my favorite projects was working with the Montana University System to build a common course numbering system to facilitate simpler transfer of credits for students from system school to system school. I facilitated meetings of faculty and registrars for two years, and heard comments like this after every meeting: "That was the most productive meeting I've ever experienced."

That was when I decided my superpower was facilitation and dove deeply into that activity.

Music practice at home

Our home is a place of comfort for many guests; we don't just feed people, we nourish them. Over the past 20 years, we've had many parties and events in our home, hosted musicians and music jam sessions, and provided solace and comfort to hundreds of guests. At some point:

I assumed my superpower was hospitality and comfort, and dove deeply into those activities.

With my recently uncovered "what" in mind, the pattern emerged.

I was applying this concept all along. My success in planning and hosting events, facilitating meetings, and providing that kind of space in our home was all a result of my superpower - my "what".

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It's your turn now.
Here's a strategy to find your "what":

Think back on those times you felt like a rock star; I call those Rock Star Moments (RSMs). I'm talking about specific experiences that left you walking away smiling, knowing you nailed it, and feeling like you really contributed to something greater than yourself. Consider all parts of your life, from very early on, at home, at school, at work, any activity or hobby.

Dig in and write down a phrase or a few sentences to remind you of what happened, who was there, and what you DID, specifically. 

Take your time with this exercise. It’s not easy to come up with a list like this. If you are really down, it’s especially hard to find those sparks of light, so ask a few people you trust to share what they believe your super powers are, what experiences they had with you that they thought you really excelled.

Next, as you develop the list (keep adding to it!), start to consider patterns. What is consistent in those experiences? The content or activity itself? The people? The responses of those around you? The impact? What is consistent about what you were providing or doing in those situations?

Start with the exercise here. Create a list of your RSMs. Enlist the help of trusted friends and family. Take your time and be gentle with yourself, and find your pattern.

Find your "what",
so your "why" and "how" will present themselves.

The Stories You Share Define You

The Stories You Share Demonstrate Your Character

When Kyle Burt shared the story of creating a roller hockey team from scratch at Arizona State University, and how he did it, I was immediately intrigued.

This is far less common than I used to think: Some people do what they say they're going to do. And they dive head first into whatever it is, there's no toe-dipping for people like that.

As soon as I heard Kyle's story, I knew a few things about his character. He told the story with some level of humor and humility, not taking all the credit himself, and he shared the story as a reminder that we can all do what we set out to do if we use our resources and follow through. He didn't need to tell me he was a "do-er", that he is a leader, or that he has a sense of humor. He demonstrated all of those things in his story.

The great thing about our lives is that as adults, we choose our next move, our response to situations, and the people we spend time with. When we surround ourselves with people who support us, encourage us, and who have the enthusiasm to follow through with us, we can accomplish great things.

Connect with Kyle on LinkedIn, watch a recent episode of his show, #CoffeeWithKyles, and visit his website to learn more about him.

Struggle Stories Help Define Patterns

Code: Opportunity for Personal Growth

After two years in the position, I found myself standing in the bathroom with a tear-stained face... again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make this work? I'm not a particularly emotional person and yet, here I was with swollen eyes and runny nose... again. Why was I letting my boss get to me like this?

This wasn't the first time I found myself struggling with an abusive boss in a bad environment. Just two positions before this one I had another abusive boss. As I stood looking in the mirror, my reflection said it all: You've been in this position before that, too.

I started to look back at all of my jobs, all the way back to being a food server at an IHOP in college. There were some exceptions; I did experience jobs where I was valued, where I thrived and became the professional person I am today. Looking back though, there were far too many similar situations in my past. This was a pattern.

It took some deep self-reflection to come to this conclusion, the most humbling and difficult moment in my career.

I had some complicity here.

What an awful realization. Who wants that kind of answer to a question? No one I know wants to admit they did something wrong or that they played a part in what was wrong with a relationship or job.

I'm not for a second suggesting that bullying and abuse is the fault of the victim.

I'm not for a second suggesting that it is ever okay to treat people badly or that a victim as somehow earned abuse.

there are circumstances and patterns, though, that when we see them in our lives can awaken us to our role in our own success, if we take responsibility as adults and choose to make changes.

I learned a lot of lessons in those 2+ years; I continue to face similar challenges, now I'm more aware of my actions that might be contributing to the problems.

Here are some of the lessons I continue to practice:

1. Your contribution may not be necessary or may not add value to the discussion. Stop. Think. Listen. Then decide how or if to weigh in with your thoughts or suggestions.
2. Trust is good, but take the time to know a person before you share. Trust your instincts! If you observe characteristics about a person, incorporate those observations into your overall level of trust and figure out with what you can trust each person in the environment. If someone is sharing gossip with you, they're likely sharing gossip about you.
3. Related to #2, be careful where you dump (especially if you live in a small town), and DO NOT DUMP at work. The person you want to vent about may be right around the corner and that is simply disrespectful - and you will not like yourself afterward. As bad as it is, it can be worse when you know you've earned some of the scorn. Sometimes you need to share frustrations at work, be careful not to become the person who is constantly griping and complaining.
4. Sometimes you have to play the game. Don’t antagonize, especially if it won’t bring you closer to your goal. Always think of your ultimate goal for the relationship and your job. I once hit "send" on an email I knew I shouldn't have sent. It took me about five minutes to feel the consequences and to know how sophomoric I was for sabotaging my own day. That's where I developed the 24 Hour Rule.
5. Be aware that your position in the project may not be what you want it to be, find out what's expected for your role and focus! Do your job with all of your skills and energy, and learn what you must to do your job well. My mom once told me that every trial you face will keep coming back until you learn your lesson from it. Remember that it's not forever and that you must "find the nugget" before you can leave.
6. Find people you trust and who know you well, but are separate enough from the situation to provide an outside perspective, and ask them for specific ideas about where you should be looking for your next adventure.
7. When faced with a difficult situation, reflect on how you would want to perceive it from 20 years in the future. Did you handle it well, with grace, dignity and compassion?
8. Sometimes people are just mean. It may be time to call them on it and stand up for yourself and others, or get out.
9. My most unpleasant lesson: Figure out how you might be complicit in your own patterns of frustration in jobs and relationships. Until you identify your patterns, you will continue to face similar situations. If every boss, or every romantic partner in your life was the same... the common piece of the puzzle is you.

There are no easy answers.

Be kind to yourself while you work through this. And know that you are a work in progress; what makes you happy and content today will probably change in the future.

Road Trip Stories to Build Relationships

What You and Your Children Remember of Their Childhood Can Be Wildly Different

Max

Ridiculously fun travel partner.

He knows it's never really about the destination.

It was just a short road trip for our younger son, Max, and me; around 1.5 hours for a spring break spontaneous getaway. I took advantage of our time alone together to record this podcast.

We've done quite a lot of traveling with our two boys, via air and car, and have made incredible memories. The one thing that makes a road trip different from any other kind of travel is the long hours in the car together, with little distraction, and lots of opportunity for frustration, connection, and snacks.

You'll hear the sound of the road in the background of our recording, adding just a little ambient sound to our discussion. I love to ask our boys what they remember about our family road trips; their memories are so different from mine, and when I hear their memories I learn even more about them, and how they see the world.

Road trips offer great opportunities to get to know people. I think traveling together, particularly in the car, can be the best test of a relationship. How compatible are you, really? When it comes to spending hours together with little distraction, and lots of opportunity for frustration - getting lost, bad weather, questionable road conditions - you learn quickly whether you can rely on each other to solve problems and keep a positive attitude in trying situations.

Max and I had a great, though too short trip together, and this recording is just a snippet of the kind of conversation we have when we spend time traveling together.

Here's an article I wrote about another road trip with our boys. I'm so grateful not only for the time I get to spend with them, but also for their sense of humor, their insights, and their incredible warmth and sparkle.