Episode 69: Obstacles and Challenges as Tools to Build Resilience
According to Valerie Gordon, there are plenty of “unlikely” scenarios in our lives. By “unlikely,” she means those things that we really don’t want in our lives, those struggles and obstacles that make our lives more difficult, and we cannot find value in them in the moment.
Stories and Strategies that Help Us Grow
According to Valerie Gordon, there are plenty of “unlikely” scenarios in our lives. By “unlikely,” she means those things that we really don’t want in our lives, those struggles and obstacles that make our lives more difficult, and we cannot find value in them in the moment while we’re experiencing them.
But these “unlikelies” as much as we don’t like them, are often pivotal times in our lives. These are the times that we are so uncomfortable that we either choose to make a major change, or a major change is forced on us.
Though I believe we can learn important, critical lessons in joy as much as we learn from struggle, if we tell our stories of struggle from the perspective of building resilience, those struggles will help us build the confidence we need not just to survive, but to thrive.
Valerie & Maddie
We discussed these “unlikelies” in the context of our stories, and how we build and practice resilience.
During our conversation, we chatted about five of these:
Conflict
Dissatisfaction
Uncertainty
Envy
Regret
Listen in to this conversation, learn more about how your stories can help you build your resilience muscles!
Connect with Valerie on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, and sign up for her monthly newsletters on her website.
Valerie Gordon is a 10-time Emmy award-winning television producer, content creator and longtime storyteller whose work has appeared on HBO Sports, CBS News, Weekend TODAY, Lifetime and the Olympic Games.
Two years ago, she turned a bad case of burnout into a pivot and founded career and communications strategy firm Commander-in-She, combining her storytelling background with her passion for advocating for women in the workforce.
Valerie offers keynote presentations and group workshops for conferences, professional organizations and corporations to help high-achieving women with the tools and skills necessary to ascend the leadership ladder.
She’s most fascinated by impact and influence of the stories we tell ourselves and others and believes there is an even better next chapter in each of us.
A graduate of the University of Michigan, Valerie lives in Connecticut and blogs at Commander-in-She.com.
Episode 68: Resilience is a Choice, No One is Coming to Your Rescue
Stories That Build Emotional Resilience
This third episode in the Resilience series features Amber Johnson, owner of Last Dance Gulch in Helena, Montana.
Andrea Amundson, the first guest in this series, saw her resilience as a product of her sense of responsibility to others. Charlotte Wittenberg, our second guest, saw resilience as more of a product of past experience, and being able to learn and grow from those struggles and opportunities.
Amber has a different perspective on this topic; she sees resilience as a personal choice not to be defeated, and not to be a statistic. She sees resilience as a choice to live your best life, despite challenges and struggles.
This episode was recorded on a road trip from Helena, Montana to Great Falls, Montana when we had an opportunity to see Pink Martini perform on Tuesday, April 2nd. I love the conversations that come up during windshield time, and this is no exception.
My favorite part of this road trip recording is when Amber said: "No one is going to rescue you. You must decide what you want in your life and make it happen."
We used a few analogies during this recording; my favorite was when we used food and cooking to describe how we use the ingredients in life to create something delicious.
"Resilience is like a muscle. The more you use it, the more strength you have to take some unfortunate news or circumstances, and survive it, overcome it, and create something tasty out of unexpected or unwanted ingredients."
Want to see Amber doing her thing, dancing the night away with her whole heart? Check out this video!
Episode 67: Resilience - Drawing Strength From Past Experience
Our Stories Offer Evidence That “This Too Shall Pass”
If we consider the struggles we’ve already survived, we can see the evidence to suggest we’ll survive any future challenges, especially if we really think about what it took not only to get through a difficult situation, but to thrive as a result of having that experience.
That’s what Charlotte Wittencamp and I spoke about in this episode; drawing strength to get through a challenge through recognizing the value of our past experiences.
During our conversation, we spoke briefly about Johari’s Window, a concept drawn to describe aspects of self awareness. If you’d like to learn more, here’s a great article from Charlotte’s website. She also published an ebook to download free about crossing cultural divides. It’s a great guide for people trying to settle into a new culture.
Episode 66: Resilience Isn't Just About Survival
Stories of Resilience - A Series, Part 1
When we share stories, whether in our personal or business lives, how we share them makes a difference in how we remember them, and in how we’re perceived by the people we’re sharing them with.
Think about a story a stranger recently told you; what did that story say about the person sharing it? Did it demonstrate a different aspect of their character than you were expecting? How we choose to share a story - the details about the characters, our body language, our facial expression and tone of voice - all contributes to the perception our audience will have of us afterward.
When listening to this podcast, I encourage you to listen to consider your related stories, to listen and consider which stories in your life might have impacted you in a similar way, and to consider how you share your own stories, and the messages they carry for yourself and for the people around you.
For the next few weeks, we’ll be exploring the word resilience.
According to dictionary.com, resilience is defined:
the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.
Andrea Amundson
Our first episode in this series explores that definition from the perspective of a cancer survivor, Andi Amundsen.
Though I’d never use that phrase, “cancer survivor” to describe or define this woman, it does give you a picture of the specific illness and adversity she has experienced.
I like to think of Andi as a magnificent tree, growing roots from her feet to hold her steady so she can support her many branches; her children, her grandchildren, the many who rely on her for comfort and as a resource when faced with struggle and tragedy. She is the picture of the word resilience, as far as I’m concerned, not because she has survived, or because, as the definition describes, she has bounced back to her former form. She hasn’t bounced back to her former form because cancer will never allow someone to go backward. She is the picture of the word because she continues to thrive, despite her diagnosis and ongoing treatment.
Andi has the positivity of a tree in springtime, with the reality of a future of snow and bitter cold. Her version of resilience comes from a love for super heroes, magical creatures, and her belief that she is here for a reason. She believes that when she provides support and resources for others facing a similar diagnoses, love and comfort for her family and friends, and constant encouragement for her daughters, she is serving her purpose; she is alive simply because she lives her purpose. (And maybe because she’s so damn stubborn.)
Curious? Listen to the podcast!
Visit the Lost & Foundation website to learn more about the organization and the people they serve.
Episode 65: Our Internal Disconnect and the Damage of a Perception Gap
When I have an opportunity to share my thoughts on this topic as a keynote speaker or workshop facilitator, the first step I take is to describe what I lovingly call the Perception Gap.
That’s the gap between how you THINK you’re being perceived, and how people are ACTUALLY experiencing you.
Stories to Shift Your Internal Messages and External Perceptions
My friend Marietta Gentles Crawford wrote a book on the topic, From Nine to Thrive, and I highly recommend it if you want to dig into this theme more deeply.
I describe personal brand as:
What people say about you and think about you when you’re not around.
When I have an opportunity to share my thoughts on this topic as a keynote speaker or workshop facilitator, the first step I take is to describe what I lovingly call the Perception Gap.
That’s the gap between how you THINK you’re being perceived, and how people are ACTUALLY experiencing you.
Many people believe they know, they consider themselves pretty self-reflective, but they aren’t necessarily intentional about how they want to be perceived by the people around them. That creates a major disconnect when it comes to building strong relationships. Why? Because though I don’t believe you need to care what people think about you, you DO need to care about what CERTAIN people think about you.
For instance, do you care what your partner or spouse or children think of you? Of course you do! What about your clients and potential customers? If you don’t, you are absolutely limiting yourself in creating productive relationships.
The disconnect for people who know themselves, but don’t understand their own perception gap is that many don’t realize how they might be contributing to miscommunication with people they care about, and how they might be contributing to many of their own obstacles and challenges.
Think about an experience at work with a person who could be described as a bully. Do you think they wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say: “I’m so happy, so satisfied with my life! Today will be a perfect day to terrorize my colleagues at work! It gives me great satisfaction to know people don’t trust me or want to spend time with me.”
Probably not. Most people who can be described as bullies don’t actually KNOW they’re considered to be that way by the people around them. Some do, for sure, but most don’t. And some who do know themselves well enough have come to the conclusion that: “this is just how I am, and if people don’t like it, that’s just too bad.”
And that would be fine if it stopped there. But it doesn’t ever stop there. People in that situation are often lonely, bitter, are self-conscious and lack self-confidence. The disconnect is that they can’t understand WHY they’re lonely, and they blame everyone around them for their problems.
The same goes for the colleagues and friends who complain a lot. We have all had experiences with this person, the one that everything seems to happen to: The car accident, the frozen pipes in their house, the dog puking on the carpet, getting fired or passed up for a promotion or new job, the drama with their friends and boyfriend, etc.
It’s one thing to come to work sad or in a bad mood once in a while, but when the complaining is consistent, an everyday thing, that changes how people see that person. Do you love to hang out with people like this?
Are you that person?
Have you noticed that when two complainers have to work together, they often don’t like each other? Even complainers don’t like hanging out with complainers!
Often the bullies and complainers in your life know, generally, how people feel about them, but they don’t take the next step to understand their role in that perception.
If a bully or complainer decides they are comfortable with the perceptions of others, it would be simpler just to embrace it. If you know you are the complainer or bully, you must also know that being that kind of person is going to impact your relationships. To address the disconnect, you must understand the consequences of owning those traits, and being intentional with your actions and behaviors.
When I worked with a bully a few years ago, I started to fall into the trap of negativity, consistently complaining about her to my colleagues. It took a while to realize I was getting more and more angry and depressed – and that I didn’t really like myself, partly because I was not only behaving in a way that didn’t feel good, but mostly because I was THAT colleague – the one who complains and talks behind someone’s back. At some point I realized that I was contributing to my situation and tension with her through my actions and behavior.
And from the other side, my boss likely knew there were people talking about her like that, and I wasn’t the only one. She also knew her reputation for being a bully and micromanager, and I know it hurt her. But as far as I knew, she never took that next step of considering her role in that perception, understanding that the common denominator in her trouble among colleagues was her.
Here are some strategies to shift those perceptions, once you’ve realized your role in the negative perceptions people have of you:
Watch for target fixation.
My husband, Bob, has been riding motorcycles for decades. He uses an obstacle in the road to describe the impact of target fixation on motorcycle driving. When a driver sees a deer or something else in the road, an inexperienced driver will focus intently and with anxiety on the deer or obstacle, and will most likely hit it. An experienced driver will be aware of the deer or obstacle, but will focus on the area around it so he can find a solution or alternative to avoid the obstacle.
We can use golf as another analogy here. A good golfer is well aware of the sandtraps, water, and trees between her and the hole she’s aiming for, but uses positive target fixation by focusing her attention on the hole she wants to put the ball into, not the obstacles.
The same can be done when you are making changes and shifting the way you speak and think to improve your relationships. Focus on things that are going right, the things you’re grateful for, the things you do really well.
Ever notice that when you’re considering buying a car, and you’ve narrowed down your choices to, say, an orange Subaru… suddenly you start seeing orange Subarus all over the place? That’s because what you focus on is eventually what you start seeing everywhere.
So focus on the positives, the things you’re grateful for in your life (start small, like being glad for the green lights when you’re running late.) You can be aware of the obstacles for sure, but don’t focus on them.
Look for patterns in your relationships:
If you’re struggling with someone at work, consider whether you’ve been there before. Are there other situations from your past that you had a similar issue?
As you begin to identify patterns of struggle with certain people in your life, at work and in personal relationships, think about whether those people all have a certain trait in common. Are they all generally one gender? Do they lack self-confidence? Do they remind you of a parent or sibling you have a difficult relationship with?
Consider how your behavior might either be attracting this kind of person, or contributing to the tension in those relationships. When you see a pattern emerge, think about what actions and behaviors you can consistently adjust – every day, and with every person – to be a person they want to spend time with.
Be self-reflective and intentional:
When I found a great job early in my career, I couldn’t believe my luck. I was sure I didn’t deserve the position I had been offered. I was so excited for the first few months in that position, doing everything I could to impress the people around me. When a known bully in the organization casually mentioned here concern that I wasn’t qualified for my job, and she couldn’t imagine why they hired me, I started to second-guess my work.
Every time I’d complete a task, I’d get intensely self-conscious about my work and it would take me twice as long as it should because I’d be digging into it to find errors. At some point, this became overwhelming, and my inner critic was screaming at me that I didn’t deserve that job. Someone more qualified would be better, and my colleagues would be better off without me on the team. So my work deteriorated. I was self-sabotaging because I didn’t think I deserved my job and the encouragement I had received from my boss and other colleagues.
But here’s where self-reflection becomes so powerful.
I noticed that as my work deteriorated, my relationships with my colleagues also deteriorated. I knew I was letting them down.
It took a few weeks to see this situation from that perspective, and I had a very close friend to talk through it and process the dynamic out loud. My “ah ha” moment was when I realized it was my choice to be the person who deserved that job and the support and encouragement of my colleagues.
It was my choice, every day, and with every task, to earn the life, reputation, and relationships I wanted. The best part is that no matter what happened prior to my decision to shift things, I could start right away, with something as simple as showing up for work on time. It would take time to repair the damage I had done, but with every single interaction, I would be intentional about being the person who deserved the life I was living.
It’s your turn now.
What patterns emerge when you consider the relationships in your life that cause you grief and struggle? What might have been your role in those relationships?
What patterns emerge when you consider the most healthy, productive relationships in your life? What did you do that helped build those relationships?
How do you want to be perceived by the people around you? And what consistent actions and behaviors can you use to demonstrate to others that you are someone who deserves – and who earns every day – the life you want to live?
Episode 64: Like Change, Uncertainty Is a Constant Undercurrent in Life
Stories of Risk and Addressing Uncertainty
Marylene Delbourg-Delphis doesn’t see risk the same way most people might define it. To her, it’s all about how prepared you are for whatever step you intend to take, the people you’ve surrounded yourself with and trust to take that step with you, and your ability to address uncertainty at any given moment.
Uncertainty is, like change, a constant undercurrent of life. There’s nothing certain in life, and there definitely isn’t anything certain in business. So how do we find ways to cope with an ever-uncertain world?
As a founding CEO and a turn-around CEO, Marylene has learned to quickly identify the resources she will need to address uncertainty and to make decisions effectively. She also has learned to trust that people truly want to learn, they have the capacity to learn, and they want to do a good job.
We covered a lot of ground in our conversation about how she sees risk, and how she addresses learning and innovation in her employees. One strategy Marylene uses in her presentations is to include music, particularly classical symphonies and opera. Here are a few links we agreed to share for you - our listeners - to get a better understanding of the impact:
Hector Berlioz - Symphonie Fantastique
Why listen to what Marylene has to say about building a strong, engaged, trusting workplace? For one thing, she has had great success in this area. For another, she is the one who, when she started her first US tech firm, poached Guy Kawasaki from Apple, and wrote the French forward for his recent book!
The operatic piece she mentioned, featuring Maria Callas:
And the book The Republic, by the philosopher Plato.
Learn more about Marylene by checking out her book, Everybody Wants to Love Their Job, and by connecting with her on LinkedIn.
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Here are a few ideas!
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Episode 63: Are You Listening to Your Instincts?
I was introduced to Bill Fox, who lives in Estonia, by a woman who lives here in Helena, Montana, who was introduced to Bill by her husband, who worked with Bill at some point in Washington DC.
So many things had to happen for us to have met, and statistically, it was highly unlikely. And yet...
These days, when a trusted friend or colleague suggests the Bill reach out to someone to connect, he doesn’t hesitate - not for a second.
Over the past 7+ years, every one of those suggestions has turned into something important, something magical, and something life-defining, if not life-changing.
If you’ve read or listened to my work over the past few years, you’ll know that I don’t believe in coincidence. I also don’t believe strictly in fate; that’s an awkward line to walk. Opportunities are everywhere when we’re looking for them, as are obstacles.
Our subconscious minds are powerful - far more powerful than our conscious minds. Our subconscious can pick up all kinds of information from our surroundings that our conscious minds could never keep up with, much less process as subtle, specific things. So when something happens that is incredibly unlikely, our subconscious mind has already picked up all sort so clues about why it happened. It was prepared for this likelihood, even when that thing happening is highly statistically unlikely, because statistics are human-made with information we absolutely know and have available at any specific moment.
Like me, Bill Fox has learned to trust his instincts and his subconsciously-given cues, and that’s how he ended up in Estonia with the love of his life.
Visiting her for the first time, she asked him: “Where will you park your car?”
“At the airport.”
“But what if you don’t return home?”
Learn more about how Bill Fox is helping leaders lead effectively with humanity and compassion on his website, Forward 2.0, and connect with him on LinkedIn.
This image was taken atop of one of the many 14th century artillery towers in Tallinn. It was a magical place and I was amazed to discover this space after climbing (crawling really) several hundred feet up a very narrow and steep stairwell that twisted around the tower. It’s called Kiek in de Kök.