Episode 66: Resilience Isn't Just About Survival
Stories of Resilience - A Series, Part 1
When we share stories, whether in our personal or business lives, how we share them makes a difference in how we remember them, and in how we’re perceived by the people we’re sharing them with.
Think about a story a stranger recently told you; what did that story say about the person sharing it? Did it demonstrate a different aspect of their character than you were expecting? How we choose to share a story - the details about the characters, our body language, our facial expression and tone of voice - all contributes to the perception our audience will have of us afterward.
When listening to this podcast, I encourage you to listen to consider your related stories, to listen and consider which stories in your life might have impacted you in a similar way, and to consider how you share your own stories, and the messages they carry for yourself and for the people around you.
For the next few weeks, we’ll be exploring the word resilience.
According to dictionary.com, resilience is defined:
the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.
Andrea Amundson
Our first episode in this series explores that definition from the perspective of a cancer survivor, Andi Amundsen.
Though I’d never use that phrase, “cancer survivor” to describe or define this woman, it does give you a picture of the specific illness and adversity she has experienced.
I like to think of Andi as a magnificent tree, growing roots from her feet to hold her steady so she can support her many branches; her children, her grandchildren, the many who rely on her for comfort and as a resource when faced with struggle and tragedy. She is the picture of the word resilience, as far as I’m concerned, not because she has survived, or because, as the definition describes, she has bounced back to her former form. She hasn’t bounced back to her former form because cancer will never allow someone to go backward. She is the picture of the word because she continues to thrive, despite her diagnosis and ongoing treatment.
Andi has the positivity of a tree in springtime, with the reality of a future of snow and bitter cold. Her version of resilience comes from a love for super heroes, magical creatures, and her belief that she is here for a reason. She believes that when she provides support and resources for others facing a similar diagnoses, love and comfort for her family and friends, and constant encouragement for her daughters, she is serving her purpose; she is alive simply because she lives her purpose. (And maybe because she’s so damn stubborn.)
Curious? Listen to the podcast!
Visit the Lost & Foundation website to learn more about the organization and the people they serve.
Episode 65: Our Internal Disconnect and the Damage of a Perception Gap
When I have an opportunity to share my thoughts on this topic as a keynote speaker or workshop facilitator, the first step I take is to describe what I lovingly call the Perception Gap.
That’s the gap between how you THINK you’re being perceived, and how people are ACTUALLY experiencing you.
Stories to Shift Your Internal Messages and External Perceptions
My friend Marietta Gentles Crawford wrote a book on the topic, From Nine to Thrive, and I highly recommend it if you want to dig into this theme more deeply.
I describe personal brand as:
What people say about you and think about you when you’re not around.
When I have an opportunity to share my thoughts on this topic as a keynote speaker or workshop facilitator, the first step I take is to describe what I lovingly call the Perception Gap.
That’s the gap between how you THINK you’re being perceived, and how people are ACTUALLY experiencing you.
Many people believe they know, they consider themselves pretty self-reflective, but they aren’t necessarily intentional about how they want to be perceived by the people around them. That creates a major disconnect when it comes to building strong relationships. Why? Because though I don’t believe you need to care what people think about you, you DO need to care about what CERTAIN people think about you.
For instance, do you care what your partner or spouse or children think of you? Of course you do! What about your clients and potential customers? If you don’t, you are absolutely limiting yourself in creating productive relationships.
The disconnect for people who know themselves, but don’t understand their own perception gap is that many don’t realize how they might be contributing to miscommunication with people they care about, and how they might be contributing to many of their own obstacles and challenges.
Think about an experience at work with a person who could be described as a bully. Do you think they wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say: “I’m so happy, so satisfied with my life! Today will be a perfect day to terrorize my colleagues at work! It gives me great satisfaction to know people don’t trust me or want to spend time with me.”
Probably not. Most people who can be described as bullies don’t actually KNOW they’re considered to be that way by the people around them. Some do, for sure, but most don’t. And some who do know themselves well enough have come to the conclusion that: “this is just how I am, and if people don’t like it, that’s just too bad.”
And that would be fine if it stopped there. But it doesn’t ever stop there. People in that situation are often lonely, bitter, are self-conscious and lack self-confidence. The disconnect is that they can’t understand WHY they’re lonely, and they blame everyone around them for their problems.
The same goes for the colleagues and friends who complain a lot. We have all had experiences with this person, the one that everything seems to happen to: The car accident, the frozen pipes in their house, the dog puking on the carpet, getting fired or passed up for a promotion or new job, the drama with their friends and boyfriend, etc.
It’s one thing to come to work sad or in a bad mood once in a while, but when the complaining is consistent, an everyday thing, that changes how people see that person. Do you love to hang out with people like this?
Are you that person?
Have you noticed that when two complainers have to work together, they often don’t like each other? Even complainers don’t like hanging out with complainers!
Often the bullies and complainers in your life know, generally, how people feel about them, but they don’t take the next step to understand their role in that perception.
If a bully or complainer decides they are comfortable with the perceptions of others, it would be simpler just to embrace it. If you know you are the complainer or bully, you must also know that being that kind of person is going to impact your relationships. To address the disconnect, you must understand the consequences of owning those traits, and being intentional with your actions and behaviors.
When I worked with a bully a few years ago, I started to fall into the trap of negativity, consistently complaining about her to my colleagues. It took a while to realize I was getting more and more angry and depressed – and that I didn’t really like myself, partly because I was not only behaving in a way that didn’t feel good, but mostly because I was THAT colleague – the one who complains and talks behind someone’s back. At some point I realized that I was contributing to my situation and tension with her through my actions and behavior.
And from the other side, my boss likely knew there were people talking about her like that, and I wasn’t the only one. She also knew her reputation for being a bully and micromanager, and I know it hurt her. But as far as I knew, she never took that next step of considering her role in that perception, understanding that the common denominator in her trouble among colleagues was her.
Here are some strategies to shift those perceptions, once you’ve realized your role in the negative perceptions people have of you:
Watch for target fixation.
My husband, Bob, has been riding motorcycles for decades. He uses an obstacle in the road to describe the impact of target fixation on motorcycle driving. When a driver sees a deer or something else in the road, an inexperienced driver will focus intently and with anxiety on the deer or obstacle, and will most likely hit it. An experienced driver will be aware of the deer or obstacle, but will focus on the area around it so he can find a solution or alternative to avoid the obstacle.
We can use golf as another analogy here. A good golfer is well aware of the sandtraps, water, and trees between her and the hole she’s aiming for, but uses positive target fixation by focusing her attention on the hole she wants to put the ball into, not the obstacles.
The same can be done when you are making changes and shifting the way you speak and think to improve your relationships. Focus on things that are going right, the things you’re grateful for, the things you do really well.
Ever notice that when you’re considering buying a car, and you’ve narrowed down your choices to, say, an orange Subaru… suddenly you start seeing orange Subarus all over the place? That’s because what you focus on is eventually what you start seeing everywhere.
So focus on the positives, the things you’re grateful for in your life (start small, like being glad for the green lights when you’re running late.) You can be aware of the obstacles for sure, but don’t focus on them.
Look for patterns in your relationships:
If you’re struggling with someone at work, consider whether you’ve been there before. Are there other situations from your past that you had a similar issue?
As you begin to identify patterns of struggle with certain people in your life, at work and in personal relationships, think about whether those people all have a certain trait in common. Are they all generally one gender? Do they lack self-confidence? Do they remind you of a parent or sibling you have a difficult relationship with?
Consider how your behavior might either be attracting this kind of person, or contributing to the tension in those relationships. When you see a pattern emerge, think about what actions and behaviors you can consistently adjust – every day, and with every person – to be a person they want to spend time with.
Be self-reflective and intentional:
When I found a great job early in my career, I couldn’t believe my luck. I was sure I didn’t deserve the position I had been offered. I was so excited for the first few months in that position, doing everything I could to impress the people around me. When a known bully in the organization casually mentioned here concern that I wasn’t qualified for my job, and she couldn’t imagine why they hired me, I started to second-guess my work.
Every time I’d complete a task, I’d get intensely self-conscious about my work and it would take me twice as long as it should because I’d be digging into it to find errors. At some point, this became overwhelming, and my inner critic was screaming at me that I didn’t deserve that job. Someone more qualified would be better, and my colleagues would be better off without me on the team. So my work deteriorated. I was self-sabotaging because I didn’t think I deserved my job and the encouragement I had received from my boss and other colleagues.
But here’s where self-reflection becomes so powerful.
I noticed that as my work deteriorated, my relationships with my colleagues also deteriorated. I knew I was letting them down.
It took a few weeks to see this situation from that perspective, and I had a very close friend to talk through it and process the dynamic out loud. My “ah ha” moment was when I realized it was my choice to be the person who deserved that job and the support and encouragement of my colleagues.
It was my choice, every day, and with every task, to earn the life, reputation, and relationships I wanted. The best part is that no matter what happened prior to my decision to shift things, I could start right away, with something as simple as showing up for work on time. It would take time to repair the damage I had done, but with every single interaction, I would be intentional about being the person who deserved the life I was living.
It’s your turn now.
What patterns emerge when you consider the relationships in your life that cause you grief and struggle? What might have been your role in those relationships?
What patterns emerge when you consider the most healthy, productive relationships in your life? What did you do that helped build those relationships?
How do you want to be perceived by the people around you? And what consistent actions and behaviors can you use to demonstrate to others that you are someone who deserves – and who earns every day – the life you want to live?
Episode 64: Like Change, Uncertainty Is a Constant Undercurrent in Life
Stories of Risk and Addressing Uncertainty
Marylene Delbourg-Delphis doesn’t see risk the same way most people might define it. To her, it’s all about how prepared you are for whatever step you intend to take, the people you’ve surrounded yourself with and trust to take that step with you, and your ability to address uncertainty at any given moment.
Uncertainty is, like change, a constant undercurrent of life. There’s nothing certain in life, and there definitely isn’t anything certain in business. So how do we find ways to cope with an ever-uncertain world?
As a founding CEO and a turn-around CEO, Marylene has learned to quickly identify the resources she will need to address uncertainty and to make decisions effectively. She also has learned to trust that people truly want to learn, they have the capacity to learn, and they want to do a good job.
We covered a lot of ground in our conversation about how she sees risk, and how she addresses learning and innovation in her employees. One strategy Marylene uses in her presentations is to include music, particularly classical symphonies and opera. Here are a few links we agreed to share for you - our listeners - to get a better understanding of the impact:
Hector Berlioz - Symphonie Fantastique
Why listen to what Marylene has to say about building a strong, engaged, trusting workplace? For one thing, she has had great success in this area. For another, she is the one who, when she started her first US tech firm, poached Guy Kawasaki from Apple, and wrote the French forward for his recent book!
The operatic piece she mentioned, featuring Maria Callas:
And the book The Republic, by the philosopher Plato.
Learn more about Marylene by checking out her book, Everybody Wants to Love Their Job, and by connecting with her on LinkedIn.
Are you enjoying listening to episodes of this podcast? Are you wondering how you can help me sustain this project, to support and encourage the sharing of important stories?
Here are a few ideas!
1) Leave a rating and comment on your favorite podcast service like iTunes or Stitcher
2) Share a link to the show and tell people why you like it
3) Become a sponsor (for as little as $2/month) by going to Patreon
Episode 63: Are You Listening to Your Instincts?
I was introduced to Bill Fox, who lives in Estonia, by a woman who lives here in Helena, Montana, who was introduced to Bill by her husband, who worked with Bill at some point in Washington DC.
So many things had to happen for us to have met, and statistically, it was highly unlikely. And yet...
These days, when a trusted friend or colleague suggests the Bill reach out to someone to connect, he doesn’t hesitate - not for a second.
Over the past 7+ years, every one of those suggestions has turned into something important, something magical, and something life-defining, if not life-changing.
If you’ve read or listened to my work over the past few years, you’ll know that I don’t believe in coincidence. I also don’t believe strictly in fate; that’s an awkward line to walk. Opportunities are everywhere when we’re looking for them, as are obstacles.
Our subconscious minds are powerful - far more powerful than our conscious minds. Our subconscious can pick up all kinds of information from our surroundings that our conscious minds could never keep up with, much less process as subtle, specific things. So when something happens that is incredibly unlikely, our subconscious mind has already picked up all sort so clues about why it happened. It was prepared for this likelihood, even when that thing happening is highly statistically unlikely, because statistics are human-made with information we absolutely know and have available at any specific moment.
Like me, Bill Fox has learned to trust his instincts and his subconsciously-given cues, and that’s how he ended up in Estonia with the love of his life.
Visiting her for the first time, she asked him: “Where will you park your car?”
“At the airport.”
“But what if you don’t return home?”
Learn more about how Bill Fox is helping leaders lead effectively with humanity and compassion on his website, Forward 2.0, and connect with him on LinkedIn.
This image was taken atop of one of the many 14th century artillery towers in Tallinn. It was a magical place and I was amazed to discover this space after climbing (crawling really) several hundred feet up a very narrow and steep stairwell that twisted around the tower. It’s called Kiek in de Kök.
Episode 62: Missed Opportunities in Leadership
…and Opportunities Taken
I’ve had a handful of good managers in my career. I consider them good when a manager trusts me to get my work done, cares about me, doesn’t micro-manage, and does their best to advocate for me and provide the resources I need to do my job.
What’s missing here?
Mentorship.
Early in my career, I was offered an incredible opportunity to be a branch administrator in Washington DC as the branch transitioned to a new owner, a company based in Vancouver, Canada. It was probably beyond my experience and skills, but the branch manager interviewed me (in a coffee shop, one of the best interviews of my life), hired me on the spot, and generally trusted that I could figure out my role and be successful. In other words, he trusted his instinct that I could make him look good to the new owners.
I did.
He didn’t micromanage me. He gave me full authority to make decisions, while making sure I knew I could talk to him and ask for guidance at any time. Over the course of about 10 weeks, I negotiated a lease for new, raw office space, 3x larger than the space we were in, worked with an architect to design the interior (layout/offices, paint, carpet, etc.), negotiated data and phone system installation, and even purchased artwork.
When the time came, I organized, coordinated, and managed the move of our employees and the contents of our tiny office space into our new location in about 24 hours, losing only about 4 hours of productivity for those employees. I was 24. It felt like a huge accomplishment, especially because I had never done anything like that before.
After I set up and trained staff in A/R, A/P, payroll, benefits, and basic processes and procedures of the new company, I settled into my position… and promptly got bored. Six months after the move, my boss saw the minor mistakes I was making, called me into his office, and asked me about them. I honestly didn’t know how to answer him, so I got defensive. He figured it out before I did, thank goodness, and within a few weeks, he hired a new branch administrator and transitioned me into a junior consultant role.
I enjoyed every client site I worked on, moved around enough to keep me interested and constantly learning, and was appreciated and valued by our clients. But I still hadn’t figured out exactly what my unique skill sets were, so I simply moved between tasks, learned a lot about everything I touched, and moved on again.
I look back now and think:
Thank goodness I had a boss who basically understood me, so I could learn and grow in that position. What incredible opportunities I had, despite my age and lack of experience!
I also think:
What if my boss had a tool back then so he could coach me, mentor me, to guide me in the direction of applying my unique strengths to a specific role? I made him look good because he gave me the tools and challenges I needed to succeed, but how much better could I have made him look if he had the ability to see into my future and guide me to my best self, using my natural talents?
I’m not one to look back with regret; I look back because I love to learn lessons from my experiences, and apply them to help others. So when I look back at that time, I am grateful for what Melvin Sassoon did so early in my career. He trusted me and saw skills in me that I didn’t know were there. I also look back and think about what we both could have done differently to have different, even better outcomes.
What if you had a tool that would transform your relationship with your employees from manager to mentor or coach?
What if you had a language to speak that would help your employees understand their role and value in your company, and would help them understand their own strengths and how to apply them to be more productive and happier at work?
You can even begin with selfish intentions: When your employees are successful, productive, effective and happy, they can make YOU look REALLY good.
The end result is that you will find more satisfaction in your relationships at work, even if you don’t start with that intention. It would be almost impossible for you not to improve on your success, leaning into that style of management.
Here’s the good news:
There are tools to help you mentor and coach your employees to bring their best selves, their greatest talents to work. The difference in the tools is simply how you manage to apply them to improve communication.
I could have focused my attention on a number of assessments and tools to help me in my communication coaching; StrengthsFinders is simply my tool of choice because I find the concept to be so positive and easily applied to the workplace.
Whatever assessment you use - whatever tool you use to help uncover the natural talents of your employees, take the time to coach them to apply those talents to their role in your organization. Think about your own career, and how it could have benefited from having a manager who truly understood your strengths, and could have helped guide you to lean into them and use them in every aspect of your life.
Those strengths don’t always show up in positive ways, especially in relationships with people who have very similar strengths, and those who are on the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s as if you’re speaking different languages when interacting with people with different strengths.
When you coach with a tool like StrengthsFinders, you can help your employee understand every aspect of their talents, and how those can be negatively perceived by the people around them. In time, that employee will start to be more self-reflective, and will be able to adjust how they present their strengths to others, basically finding ways to get out of their own way (their heads), and move past obstacles. And when they truly understand their natural talents, their career will gravitate to roles that they will find great success and satisfaction.
At that early stage in my career, if my boss had access to a tool like StrengthsFinders, and understood how to use it, it’s likely he would have steered me in the direction of sales for the company. I love people, and I love to share information and tools that help people improve their daily lives. My natural, unique talents would have made me an excellent sales person in that industry, with just a bit of training and guidance.
Who really knows what might have happened?
I could fill my days with alternative futures based on those “what if” questions. What matters at this point is that I now understand how my natural strengths have helped make me successful in the past, and how they’ve created obstacles when I haven’t known how I was being perceived by the people around me. I also know how I can apply them to improve my future, and the lives of the people I have the honor of working with.
If you had a tool to help transform your relationship with your employees from manager to coach, would you use it?
Think about it this way:
When you coach your employees, rather than manage them, when you understand their strengths and what motivates them, your relationship improves. If you can coach your employees by helping them apply their strengths to their role, and encourage them by acknowledging their work, they can make you look really good.
And when you micromanage your employees, undermine their confidence and trust, withhold information, and allow whatever insecurities you have to impact your behavior, knowing you’re somehow threatened by their competence, you make it absolutely impossible for them to make you look good. You make it absolutely impossible for them to do their job well, and to make you look good.
Whatever tool you use, make sure you understand your employee’s strengths and what motivates them, and help them apply their strengths so they succeed. Because when your employees are empowered to learn, grow, and improve, they’ll make YOU look GOOD.
Are you enjoying listening to episodes of this podcast? Are you wondering how you can help me sustain this project, to support and encourage the sharing of important stories?
Here are a few ideas!
1) Leave a rating and comment on your favorite podcast service like iTunes or Stitcher
2) Share a link to the show and tell people why you like it
3) Become a sponsor (for as little as $2/month) by going to Patreon
Episode 61: Grief Isn't the End, It Can Be a Beginning
Shortly after the loss of her son, she went right back to work as a news anchor, a very public life. But shortly after her return, she realized her heart just wasn’t in it anymore. She felt as if she had just been going through the motions, mostly because that was what was expected of her.
Stories of Transition and Growth
Sherrie Dunlevy has had her share of tragedy and grief. Shortly after the loss of her son, she went right back to work as a news anchor, a very public life. But shortly after her return, she realized her heart just wasn’t in it anymore. She felt as if she had just been going through the motions, mostly because that was what was expected of her.
Sherrie wasn’t sure what to do next, broadcast journalism is what she knew, what she was good at, and what people knew her for; it was a huge part of her identity. And though that had shifted to “the woman who lost her son,” she felt like there was something missing in her career.
As she processed her grief, one thing became very clear: People around her didn’t know what to say or what to do to support her. She looked for books to help her not only process what had happened, but to help her friends in their attempts to support her through her loss. She never found a book that fully satisfied what she thought was a big gap in education. Nothing she could find was really relevant to the need she saw in her friends and family.
Sherrie believes that when something keeps coming back up in your life, you were meant to do something with it, whether for yourself, or as a gift to your community. It took her years, and many cues that she MUST write the book she imagined, but she eventually wrote it… and it sat on her shelf for another year before she received another cue from the Universe that it was time to share it.
What cues have you received many times before you finally acted on whatever those cues were trying to tell you? Why did you wait? Do you think waiting made the cues stronger, and that waiting was part of the journey to fulfilling whatever promise the Universe was sending you?
Sherrie and I would love to hear your thoughts, please comment and tell us your story!
A popular media figure for over 30 years. Sherrie Dunlevy hosted her own radio talk show and was a TV news Anchor. Now she has reinvented her life after age 50 as an author, speaker and business owner.
Her book, “How Can I Help- Your Go-to Guide for Helping Loved Ones through Life’s Difficulties,” was written following the death of her son and consequential loss of a few close friends, to help people become their best by reaching out beyond their fears and helping those they love and care about in life.
It has been named as one of the “Top Self Help Books for Men” by Fupping.com and UpJourney.com.
Are you enjoying listening to episodes of this podcast? Are you wondering how you can help me sustain this project, to support and encourage the sharing of important stories?
Here are a few ideas!
1) Leave a rating and comment on your favorite podcast service like iTunes or Stitcher
2) Share a link to the show and tell people why you like it
3) Become a sponsor (for as little as $2/month) by going to Patreon
Episode 60: No Such Thing as Coincidence
When We Connect the Dots, We See Purpose in Life and Struggle
Carol Campos doesn't believe in coincidence, but that doesn’t mean she knows exactly why anything actually happens.
But when she looks back at each decision she made, each relationship she spent time nurturing, and each of the choices she made, she can see all of the connections among those choices, bringing her to where she is right now.
From the last couple of years of high school, until she reached a point in a successful career, she followed the path she believed was expected of her. Though she switched gears periodically, and took different steps, she continued to move forward, almost stumbling through her career without real thought or intention.
And then - everything changed. Carol realized she was not only dissatisfied in her career, she didn’t really know how she defined success for herself. So she left her cozy career and took time to really dig into what she wanted, how she defines success, and what she wanted to do next.
So many of us are in transition right now, and with the current workforce shifts, the world of career and professionalism looks completely different from how it looked just five years ago. When we spend time looking back at our patterns, and how each of our choices connects to lead us forward, those transitions become smoother and more comfortable.
Here are a few references from our conversation:
E-Squared, by Pam Grout
Embracing Life Transitions As the New Normal, Podcast episode about transition, restaurant analogy
Elizabeth Gilbert: Flight of the Hummingbird The Curiosity Driven Life, Elizabeth Gilbert
Carol has worked in the corporate world for over 20 years, most recently in a leadership role at a Fortune 10 company. For years she felt that she was meant to do something different, but could never quite put her finger on what that was. For the last 7 years she has immersed herself in classes and workshops, learning about energy healing, meditation, as well as numerous spiritual and holistic topics. In early 2018 she left her corporate job and made the leap into the unknown. What she discovered was that she could combine her extensive business experience with these new, soul-aligned interests. Thus, The Divine Breadcrumb was born!
Carol is a certified Reiki practitioner as well as a certified Angel Card Reader. Most recently she was certified by the HeartMath Institute as an Add-Heart Facilitator, teaching a technique used by thousands of people, including Navy Seals, to achieve heart coherence — a state which greatly improves emotional and physical health.
Carol is passionate about traveling, learning about new cultures and helping people on their own path. She holds a B.A. in Communications from Hofstra University. Carol resides in Massachusetts with her rambunctious rescue cats, Petey and Emmett.