214: Slowing Down Time - the In-Between

Stories of Mindfulness to Address Uncertainty

Uncertainty Isn’t Always a Bad Thing, We Can Thrive Here

Many years ago, I read a post by Nilofer Merchant about what she calls In-Between Space,

Summers when you were young were the in-between spaces of learning – where you could languish in play time and know learning time was ahead... That time where you got a job offer but hadn’t started yet. Maybe even during the search for a new role. Perhaps it is as simple as when you are clear of a new direction. 

I think of that post often; I live in In-Between Space, it's a weird sort of comfort zone for me. I rarely stay content in a job, a dynamic, a relationship. There has to be consistent growth and change in everything I do.

It was in a recent conversation that I realized this about myself, that I am in a constant state of change and churn, and that I sometimes let that get me anxious and stressed. It's silly, since I know I bring this on myself. I could say no. I could turn down opportunities to sing, to speak, to mentor someone. But I love it. I love this feeling of change and growth, and none of the decisions I make are things I don't want to do.

In StrengthsFinder, that is a direct reflection of my Activator and Adaptability talents. If you’re one of those people who struggles in meetings without good facilitation, meetings without a focus on action items, and you find yourself in an almost constant sense of urgency, you may be an Activator, too.

The combination of Activator and Adaptability means I spend a lot more of my days in transition, and a lot fewer of my days in periods of contentedness.

For most of my life that has been a disadvantage. You’ve heard the term “job hopper”, right? When I was starting my career, that was a seriously negative description. People close to me would voice concern every time I changed jobs: “that’ll look bad on your resume!”

But for the past nearly 3 years, this part of my character has been valued, appreciated. People have reached out to me for guidance more than ever. They know if anyone is going to deal with uncertainty with grace and optimism, it’s going to be me - or someone else with Adaptability in their top talents (though they may not know it.)

I realized a few years ago that though it’s not uncommon to find people like me, the majority of people prefer long periods of contentedness and short periods of transition - exactly the opposite to how I live my life.

During a recording of Lois Koffi’s podcast, Healthy-n-Wealthy-n-Wise, Lois asked me about that, how those of us without Adaptability up there in our talents can deal with all of this uncertainty with grace.

That’s where this “in-between space” reference comes in.

For most people, periods of uncertainty are uncomfortable, to say the least. Consider, though, the time between giving your notice at one job and starting the next one. Or the time of your wedding engagement, between the announcement and the event itself. Or pregnancy. Or the summer between school years… all of those are in-between spaces, full of possibility - and uncertainty.

My answer to Lois included two strategies:

1) Your mindset must shift to possibility as opposed to worry. Surround yourself with people who think differently from you, people who have complementary talents. Find an Activator, an Adaptability partner to bring you comfort simply because they will weather this uncertainty storm with optimism and action.

2) Find small routines or habits that bring you a sense of stability and comfort and practice them with intention. When your brain starts to wind up with the negative “what ifs”, practice looking for things that are certain, things that - even if they’re not great - are consistent in your life. This is what mindfulness is all about: Being fully present, in the moment. Tell yourself “right now, in this moment, I am breathing, I am sitting here with consciousness.” This isn’t just about gratitude, though that’s really helpful in this context, it’s about knowing what’s certain in a given moment. Here’s one of mine: “I’m certain that right now, in this moment, I’m safe, I’m warm, I’m not hungry, and my dog is peacefully sleeping beside me.”

When we acknowledge and value our in-between time, we are able to process a past experience and begin to consider the potential for our future.

If you have children or fur-babies, it’s a great way to slow down time so you don’t regret missing out on the limited years we get to spend with them.

When planning our wedding 25 years ago, I kept a journal to document all the details. I knew that by embracing and enjoying each part of the journey, I would slow down the time before the actual wedding day. I also figured that this strategy would help with the emotional let-down following a major event.

To slow down time, I need to stop thinking of each day as stressful or uncertain, stop trying to make something happen every moment, and start thinking about each day as an opportunity to enjoy the journey leading to whatever is next.

Are you an In-Between Space person, too? Do you embrace that side of you, or does it keep you frustrated and anxious?

Thank you for listening to the Your Stories Don’t Define You podcast!

There are still spots available for the fifth No Longer Virtual Conference coming up March 3rd and 4th, 2022 in Park City, Utah. Bringing entrepreneurs and innovators together in a small venue, limited to 40 people, to #connectbeyondthekeyboard, to learn from each other and grow in our personal and professional lives. Visit elkinsconsulting.com for more details and to view the fabulous agenda.

Are you facing a transition right now? A big birthday coming up, considering a major career change, retirement? Empty nesting or divorce?

Are you overwhelmed with the millions of opportunities that seem to be opening in our global community? Not sure where to start, what questions to ask yourself, and questioning what you’re even qualified for?

If you’re eager to start exploring and would appreciate a guide, my recently launched Discovering Clarity course is available now for just $149. I highly recommend that you register with a friend or group of friends to keep each other accountable, message me for a discount code for multiple registrations. Visit elkins consulting.com / discovering-clarity.

My friend Trent said this to me a few years ago: Hope is not a strategy.

Instead of "I hope this year is better" say "this year will be better." And then take steps to MAKE it better. In my work I call it planting seeds. Every day that my motivation drops I ask myself which seeds I can plant right. this. minute. to improve my future. I make myself choose two seeds, one for future income and one for the health of an important relationship. It's really amazing how much can change by simply taking small steps. But nothing changes if you say "I hope 2022 is better than 2021" and then do nothing to make that happen. What seeds will you plant today?

Episode 189: Podcast Brief 3 - Ideation & Adaptability Gain Momentum

StrengthFinder Results Can Bring Clarity to Your Communication Patterns of Friction

Podcast brief 3 – Ideation / Adaptability

Podcast cover art with image and quote from Sarah Elkins

This week’s episode of Your Stories Don’t Define You is part 3 of a series I’m exploring to clarify how StrengthsFinder results can provide clarity around your life's patterns.

Two weeks ago I shared what it’s like to have Command in your top talents using the StrengthsFinder assessment, and last week I shared stories about my top two talents, Strategic & Activator: how they used to look to me, what they look like now in my life, and some of the strategies I use so they work for me instead of against me.

As a Gallup certified StrengthsFinder coach, I’ve taken opportunities to work with other coaches for two reasons, one is that I believe in this stuff, the idea that when we understand our own way of thinking, our natural, instinctive talents, and when we understand where we might be getting in our own way, we find more satisfaction in our lives. Another reason is that to be a coach and to have a coach demonstrates my belief that this works, that working with a good coach adds value. I know that the more I know about my own talents and blind spots, the more effective I can be for my clients.

Image of a hamster running in a wheel.

In this week’s episode I’ll round out a description of my top five talents with Ideation and Adaptability. Ideation being the one that I imagine as a hamster on a wheel in my head, constantly running, coming up with ideas about what I’ll do next, ideas to solve problems, sometimes completely random ideas about why things happen the way they do, how things work (usually unrelated to anything that actually matters in my life), and how to express concepts so they’re sticky and/or persuasive.

Adaptability is the talent that allows me to switch gears easily, and that makes me a good person to be around when a project goes sideways.

My top five talents combined; Strategic, Activator, Ideation, Command, and Adaptability are what make me great at what I do, they’re also the things that get me into trouble when I’m not using them with intention. When I look back at the experiences of significant friction in my life, I now know part of why they happened, how I contributed to my own struggles, and maybe ways I could have done things a little differently.

It doesn’t help, necessarily, to think about the “what ifs” directly, I like to think of it more as identifying patterns so I can make changes in my responses & reactions when similar situations appear, which happens a lot.

When I was 18 and struggling in a job, I told my mother I was thinking of quitting.

“Sarah, if you quit now, this same scenario will come up over and over again until you learn the lesson you’re supposed to learn from it. It’ll be different people, but a very similar struggle.”

I stayed, and yes, I did learn a lot from the experience. I was proud of myself for sticking it out, I felt strong, resilient, and ready for the next challenge.

Though I learned a lot about myself and the world around me in that job, it took another 20 years to truly uncover the pattern that began to emerge that year. That’s the beauty of self-reflection: When you uncover negative patterns from your past, you can begin to change them for your future.

Prior to about 2015, if you changed jobs more than twice in a 5 year period, you were considered a “job hopper”, which made hiring managers pretty uncomfortable when they looked at your resume. In the 2020s, between the lack of consistency in industries and the gig economy making waves, we’re seeing a much needed change in that way of thinking. Maybe I was just ahead of my time…

It wasn’t until I saw my results in the StrengthsFinder assessment, with Adaptability in large, bold font on the report, that I understood my self-created label of being a “2 to 3 year employee.”

When a job lasted longer than that, I can see in my rearview that the job shifted often enough to keep me moving, motivated, and interested. For instance, when I worked as a software consultant, implementing large-scale HR programs, the longest contract I was on lasted 14 months, and then my company would move me onto a new client project.

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Many years later I was a compliance officer for a Federal grant - and I don’t even like rules. Looking back, I know why I applied for the job – to get more financial skills to round out my business experiences after completing my MBA – but I have no idea why they hired me or why I accepted the position.

The first few weeks were spent reading the rules related to the grant, reporting requirements, and everything I could get my hands on to make sure I understood all the strings attached to the 2+ million dollars that would be moving through our project.

The next few weeks were spent with that hamster in my head that I mentioned, constantly coming up with ideas about how to collect the required data from our 44 sub-grantees, how to manage our budget, and how to make sure our sub-grantees understood their role in compliance.

Using Microsoft Access, I created a robust database for data collection and budget management. I created easy to use forms to enter data, using drop down boxes, radio buttons, and select fields as much as possible to limit typos and errors in formatting.

Looking back, I can easily see how my top strengths made me successful in that position, despite being in a job that wasn’t a great fit, and with a boss with significantly different motivation and perspectives on work and management.

When I look back now, I realize I knew two things when I started, even though I didn’t think intentionally about them at the time:

1)    To ensure compliance from our sub-grantees, I needed to have strong, positive relationships with them. They must WANT to be compliant, rather than HAVE TO be compliant to make this work smoothly and get the most positive impact out of the investments we were making.

2)    I needed structures and processes that made sense in collecting data, managing the budget, and creating required, accurate reports, because I knew myself well enough to know that once I got into maintenance mode, I was unlikely to be as good at managing details.

I mentioned the boss & I had some friction… This is what happens when your strengths are significantly different from others in your team, and communication styles aren’t addressed early in the relationships.

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My mouse hovered over the send button.

The email message was pointed—direct—and I felt strongly that these words needed to be shared with my boss and a director of the agency. But I hesitated as my mouse hovered.

I had felt lethargic throughout the weekend. From the time I left the office on Friday evening until Tuesday morning, I couldn’t shake this lack of motivation. A few minutes after I sat down at my desk on that Tuesday morning, I looked up at my calendar, and the lightbulb in my head went on. Monday had been my two-year anniversary at that job.

When I left my previous position, I made a “deal-breaker” list. It was basically my top priorities for my next job. A micromanaging, cruel boss was at the top of my list of deal breakers. Next was my workspace. An internal cubical, small and without windows, was also a deal breaker. There were a few others, but those were the big ones.

As I walked into the building for my third interview, and was shown to what would be my third-floor office with huge windows and a fantastic view, I knew this would be mine. And here I was, exactly two years later, feeling lethargic and sad despite this phenomenal view from my desk.

I shifted the mouse pointer away from the send button and reread the message.

A memory from my previous position floated to the front of my brain.

My mouse pointer had hovered dangerously over the send button two+ years prior at my previous job. I absolutely knew this message was likely to create drama with my boss. I rationalized hitting the send button: “It’s a reasonable thing to forward. I’m not doing anything wrong.”

I totally underestimated the drama, and seconds after I hit the button, my boss was next to my desk, her voice rising in pitch and volume.

I blushed, angry at the overreaction and embarrassed at the attention she was drawing to our cubicle, as I tried to explain why I sent the email. Nothing I said made a difference, and she stomped away from me, furious.

A few minutes later, as I was walking around the building to get some fresh air and perspective, it dawned on me. I totally earned that embarrassment. I poked the bear. I knew I was going to poke the bear. I knew I was antagonizing her when I hit the send button on that message. No matter how rational and reasonable the content of that message, I knew I was stirring up trouble and I did it anyway.

Why?

At that point in my job, I was in maintenance mode. I had set up systems to manage reporting and compliance, and most of my days were spent reviewing spreadsheets and building reports based on the data I was collecting. It was relatively quiet for our team that week, and I was probably bored, so I sabotaged myself.

Fast-forward two years later as my mouse pointer hovered over the send button, my memory of the other experience vivid and ready to be applied. I stopped myself. I reflected. I was bored, and I was about to sabotage myself . . . again.

I realized that if I was bored, it was up to me to find a more constructive way to address it. In that job, I had a lot of autonomy and freedom to work on projects, so I took some time to think about what I wanted to learn more about, what projects would truly benefit the organization and our community, and those I could persuade my boss and other leaders in the organization to support and implement. Making a list and starting to carefully word my next proposal, I saved that email message for another time, and as a reminder to avoid sabotaging myself again.

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Now that you know how my Strategic, Activator, Ideation, Command, and Adaptability show up, you could probably pinpoint exactly where they served me well, and where they didn’t in my past.

Without being conscious of my top talents, I can be very good at what I do, but there will always be a limit to my growth. Not only because I’m not practicing with intention to grow my use of those talents, but because I would be unaware of the ways my talents are creating unnecessary obstacles and struggles.

The only way we grow as humans, the only way we can truly find satisfaction in our relationships, is to be self-reflective. This is not the same as being hyper critical of ourselves!

Being self-reflective means understanding our role in every situation, in every relationship. What am I doing to move this conversation in a positive direction? What was my role in the conflict with my coworker? What natural talents am I using in ways that are positive, and where am I getting in my own way?

Please send me a message if you enjoyed this series of podcast briefs! If they were useful to listeners, I’ll do another series in the future.

Next week’s episode of the Your Stories Don’t Define You podcast features Terre Roche, vocalist and guitar player famous for her performances with her sister and their band The Roches! Hearing her stories of touring across the country at 17 years old, her love for music, and her accidental career will inspire you to look at your life in a different way. Don’t miss it!

ABOUT SARAH:

Elkins Consulting logo with image of Sarah and her dog.

"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."

In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.

My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.

The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!

Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.

Episode 188: Podcast Brief 2 - Strategic and Activator Might Just Look Impulsive

Using Self-Reflection To Improve Relationships & Life Satisfaction

This week’s episode of Your Stories Don’t Define You is part 2 of a series I’m exploring:

Podcast cover art with image and quote from Sarah Elkins

Last week I shared what it is like to have Command in your top talents using the StrengthsFinder assessment. This week I’m sharing about what my top two talents, Strategic & Activator look like for me, and next week I’ll share stories of how these talents, combined with Ideation and Adaptability, all of my top 5, show up in my life, for better and for worse.

As a Gallup certified StrengthsFinder coach, I’ve taken opportunities to work with other coaches for two reasons, one is that I believe in this stuff, the idea that when we understand our own way of thinking, our natural, instinctive talents, and when we understand where we might be getting in our own way, we find more satisfaction in our lives. Another reason is that to be a coach and to have a coach demonstrates my belief that this works, that working with a good coach adds value. I know that the more I know about my own talents and blind spots, the more effective I can be for my clients.

As I mentioned, today you’ll hear how my top two strengths, Strategic & Activator, show up in my daily life, and some strategies I now use to make sure they’re working for me and not against me.

When I saw the word Strategic on the Strengths report as my number one talent I laughed out loud. “I’m not strategic. This so far off. This is one of the reasons I don’t like these personality assessments.”

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“Chances are good that you sometimes delve into opportunities or situations to find clues for handling them. It’s very likely that you customarily pinpoint the core problems and identify the best solutions.”

— Gallup Strengths Insight Guide for Sarah Elkins

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Notice the strategically taken photo! ~ Sarah Elkins, photographer, image of Robert Downs with dog in forefront, Helena, Montana

But because it was a dear friend, Tom Dietzler, who gave me this gift, I decided to look at my results in a different way. I sent the description of Strategic as it was written in my report to my sister and husband, the two people I believe know me sometimes better than I know myself, and did NOT include the word Strategic in the message. I asked: “What do you think of this? Do you think it describes me?” I didn’t want to influence their answers, so I did my best to ask without a hint of how ridiculous I thought it was.

My sister responded almost immediately: “wow, Sarah, they sure have your number. That’s exactly you.”

I called her to ask for specific examples, stories of times when she thought that description showed up in our interactions. She had LOTS of examples. So did my husband.

That’s when I invested in a StrengthsFinder coach. I had to find out more about this talent that I couldn’t see in myself.

Speedy Gonzalez, the little Robin Hood of Cheese

She called me Speedy Gonzalez. My first coach after becoming a Gallup certified StrengthsFinder coach had a gorgeous Barcelonan accent, and she said: “Sarah, you’re like Speedy Gonzalez. Imagine you notice the village is running low on cheese, so you take money from the village coffer, run fast, as you do, to a nearby village, buy cheese, and run back. Problem solved! Except that when you return, you hear the villagers having a discussion about what kind of cheese to get this time… or maybe they won’t get cheese, maybe it’ll be salami instead… But you’ve already solved the problem, right?”

I’m such a visual person, I immediately imagined the tiny mouse running, like a blur, to the next village and running back carrying a huge block of cheese over his head.

And just like that (snap), I had a deep insight into how I sometimes get in my own way.

My strategic brain immediately comes up with a solution to a puzzle or problem. Many times it comes so fast that I’m not even sure I thought about it, the solution simply popped into my head. And because my Strategic is immediately followed by Activator, I just GO. I take the first step and know I’ll deal with obstacles or consequences as I meet them… or hit them face first.

Most of the time this way of thinking is awesome. It guides me to the fastest, simplest solutions to complex problems. I make decisions quickly, and the majority of the time, they have been excellent decisions. When I worked as a Peoplesoft consultant with Federal agencies in the DC area, those skills are what made me successful in identifying solutions for the help desk, creating easy to understand training materials, and finding solutions to implementation issues around data collection.

But for most of my life I considered myself impulsive because I didn’t realize my brain was actually coming to the solution before I could fully process what that meant. The map is in my head and I’m taking the first step. And I don’t always take stakeholders on the ride with me, causing communication issues and the appearance that I’m impulsive.

Here’s an example:

Fresh basil won’t keep in the car, either! (Image, fresh basil being made into pesto)

When I get into the car to run more than one errand, before I even plug my seatbelt in I have the route in my head. Not because I’m a planner, or because I think about it with intention, but because that’s how my brain works. The route is specific, many things taken into account, like not wanting to turn left across traffic on a busy street, not wanting to backtrack but wanting an efficient route, and knowing the grocery store has to be the last stop because it’s 80 degrees outside and I’ll have frozen peas in the car.

It wasn’t until a few months after my first conversation with a coach that I came to this realization. And years later I continue to see where my Strategic shows up in my daily activities. What’s especially interesting to me is that many people struggle in seeing that first, number 1 talent as a talent, or even as something that truly describes them.

Podcast cover art with image and quote from Sarah Elkins

Here’s why: Those top two strengths are so natural, so innate, that we cannot even see how they’re unique or special. I can tell when I’ve identified a true talent when I ask my client to tell me about the most common compliment they receive and they tell me, and then qualify it by saying something like: “But everyone does that.” Or “Doesn’t everyone do that?” They dismiss the compliment because the skill or talent comes too easily for them. They cannot own this natural talent because it wasn’t a struggle to get good at it… isn’t that kind of silly when you think about it?

Here’s another way I know I’ve uncovered something special in a client: When I ask them about how they feel when other people don’t think in the natural way they do, like when my husband drives us on errands and I have to bite my tongue because he doesn’t seem to have a route in his head, it feels like each turn he takes is an assault on my brain. I get annoyed, I’ll admit it, and I used to think: “How is this possible? He’s the smartest guy I know! Why would he turn left here, doesn’t he know that now he’ll have to go left across traffic on the busiest street in town?”

I worked with a coach to better understand my talents and how to apply them with intention, it also helped me know which talent to employ at different times. When I get annoyed because someone isn’t doing something the way I would do it, I use my Ideation (my #3 talent that magically comes up with ideas all. The. Time.), to focus my brain on curiosity about the situation. I begin to ask myself questions like: why am I getting prickly & annoyed, what’s triggering this? Does it matter right now if he takes a different route, am I in a hurry? And when I’ve answered those questions, I may ask my husband what his plan his for our errands, what he’s thinking about for our shopping list.

I do this at work, with my children, and even when I’m driving behind someone who seems to be lost.

My drivers are Strategic / Activator, neither of which are in the relationship building domain of the four StrengthsFinder domains. That alone is a clue about where my motivation is, which is mostly task-based, not people-based. And now that I know that, my communication has shifted, I’m using those talents with far more intention, and my relationships and leadership has improved dramatically.

The only way we grow as humans, the only way we can truly find satisfaction in our relationships, is to be self-reflective. This is not the same as being hyper critical of ourselves!

Being self-reflective means understanding our role in every situation, in every relationship. What am I doing to move this conversation in a positive direction? What was my role in the conflict with my coworker? What natural talents am I using in ways that are positive, and where am I getting in my own way?

If you enjoyed this podcast brief, stay tuned for next week’s episode, when we’ll explore Ideation & Adaptability, rounding out my top 5 talents.

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ABOUT SARAH:

elkins consulting logo plus image of sarah elkins"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."

In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.

My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.

The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!

Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.

Episode 139: A Silent Retreat, an Adirondack Chair, and an Open Field: A Story of Letting Go

Pushing Ahead Rarely Leaves Room for Unusual Opportunities

In my years guiding clients in improving communication techniques, whether that's for keynote speaking or simply presenting themselves and their work, I've found that when we uncover pivotal moments in their lives and career, their most meaningful stories, they become more comfortable and confident to speak - anywhere.

As you listen to this podcast, consider the stories you share and how you share them. Think about how those stories build your personal brand, and how people perceive you based on the stories you share.

You'll hear me ask specific questions, revealing details that create an image in the minds of both the storyteller and the listener. This is a key to improving relationships with yourself and others: Being able to share your story in your voice with your genuine intent to connect with those around you.

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Sabrina Woods is a typical Type A personality. She thrives on setting goals and smashing them out of the park. For most of her life she pushed and climbed, and spent almost every moment DOING.

At some point, though, she started to feel tired. She started to question the constant doing, and began thinking more about being.

She was in between jobs thanks to a reorganization in the higher education institution she was working with, a couple of car accidents, and other stressful events, when she invested in herself by going on a silent retreat over a long weekend.

Sitting on an Adirondack chair, looking out over an open meadow, Sabrina became attached to the idea of letting go, allow for flow and openness, and take a break from pushing so hard, from beating herself up over the situation she found herself in.

As often happens, within a few months of "letting go", a perfect part time position dropped into her lap.

If you've been in that tough spot, or you're in it now, worried for the future and listening to the external voices about what you should do, it might be time to let go. Consider the worst-case-scenario, and the true likelihood of that situation occurring.

Sabrina walks us through an example of this strategy during this insightful episode, full of insights, entertainment, and of course... stories.

We touched on how our strengths show up as we make career decisions and in the projects we take on. I promised to reference our strengths here.

Sabrina's top 5: Maximizer / Activator / Ideation / Positivity / Connectedness

Sarah's top 5: Strategic / Activator / Ideation / Command / Adaptability

To learn more about the Gallup StrengthsFinder assessment, click here.

When discussing our strengths (Gallup StrengthsFinder assessment results), I mentioned how I describe the theme Maximizer, using This Is Spinal Tap, the movie, as an analogy. Here’s the scene I referred to:

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Connect with Sabrina on LinkedIn, and visit her website to learn more!

From her website:

Sabrina Woods has been helping individuals for 20 years to look more closely at their interests, skills, values and desires to help them discern what really matters and take the next steps to refocus their lives.

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Sarah Elkins loves to guide individuals and teams to improve communication, using storytelling as the foundation of her work. She is a Gallup certified Strengths coach and uses that tool to coach her clients to improve their communication in all relationships, and to find more satisfaction at work and at home.

Her book, Your Stories Don't Define You, How You Tell Them Will is available on bookshop.org (supporting independent booksellers), and on Amazon. The audiobook will be available in fall 2020.

Episode 101: Impulsive But Not Stupid

Stories We Tell Have an Impact On Our Perceptions of Ourselves

“Just to make sure I understand this: If I sign the lease before the other two women in the house, I have the option of bringing a small pet. If I don’t choose to have one, I still have one of only two leases with that clause, which means if I don’t bring a small pet, that will be one fewer pet in the house. Is that right?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Excellent. How much is the deposit again?”

It was the end of the spring semester and I was signing a lease to share a four bedroom house with three other women starting fall semester at Colorado State University in Fort Collins. A few minutes later, I was on my way home to my parent’s house in Colorado Springs to spend the summer working and saving money for the next school year.

It was a fun summer working in a fancy restaurant, mostly lunch service, with a ridiculously fun crew, and the weeks flew by quickly. Just a few days before I was scheduled to move into the house in Fort Collins, I got a phone call from the landlord.

Her father bought the big house for her to live in and manage for the time she was going to be in school. As a student in the pre-veterinary program, they knew she’d be spending at least 4-6 years there and made a very wise investment by buying a house for her instead of renting. If I have any regrets in life, it’s not finding a way to buy a small house there while I was in school. Just a few years later, Fort Collins became a bedroom community for the Denver area, and still retains its lovely, small-town feel, and the property values have sky-rocketed there.

I answered her call to hear an abrupt, challenging tone:

“I’ve decided you can’t have a small pet in the house after all.”

“But that was in the lease I signed, Jessica.”

“I know, but I changed my mind.”

“Um… that’s not legal. Besides, what changed your mind?”

“I was only going to bring one of my cats from home in Albuquerque but I decided I want to bring both, and my dad said we couldn’t have more than two cats in the house.”

I’m not normally unreasonable, and I certainly wasn’t a particularly spiteful 20 year old, but her challenging, abrupt, aggressive tone really put me off. If she had just explained the situation and apologized for trying to change a legal document, I’m sure I would have been fine with it. But she wasn’t. And I was, well, 20, and pretty impulsive.

“What if I already got a kitten?”

“Can you take it back?” Again in a challenging and aggressive tone.

“What? Take it BACK? Are you serious? No! I can’t just TAKE IT BACK.”

“Okay then. We’ll just have to hide him when my dad comes to visit.”

Seconds after hanging up the phone I grabbed the newspaper off the kitchen table and combed the classifieds for free kittens. Two hours later I was driving home with my sister, with a kitten on my lap in my ’74 gold VW Super Beetle, stopping to pick up a cat box, cat litter, cat food, and a couple of toys for a kitten I couldn’t afford, didn’t really want, and hadn’t considered naming yet.

I can’t even imagine what my parents were thinking when I brought that kitten home. We were a dog family, through & through, and hadn’t had a cat since I was five years old. I didn’t even like cats.

But Clawed became an important part of my life, the only stable, reliable thing I experienced for at least six years, until I met my husband. He was all the things a cat can be: Mischievous, snuggly (on his terms), playful, and loving. And he was mine, completely mine. He tolerated other people, but I was HIS. I loved that cat for 9 years through multiple moves, the final one from Washington DC to Montana, where he died just a few months later. He brought me comfort in times of uncertainty, and gave me memories that have become legendary stories in my family. He was a beautiful accident to come out of a spiteful, impulsive decision.

I’ve been describing myself as impulsive for as long as I can remember, and most people who know me well would agree. And while I can be impulsive sometimes, I realize now when I look back, that most of the time my behavior was not as spontaneous as it appeared at the time. 

It wasn’t until I started getting deeply into my StrengthsFinder results that I saw myself and those quick decisions as less impulsive and more strategic. As I mentioned in an earlier episode, my top strengths are Strategic and Activator, and it took me at least four months to see where strategic showed up in my daily life.

That’s one of the cool things about that particular assessment: It opens your eyes to the possibility that something you considered a weakness before can be shifted to be seen from a different perspective, even as a strength.

Summit looking south east, Mt. Helena, Helena, Montana

In that earlier episode, I mentioned that my strategic shows up in my hamster-brain thinking process as I’m getting ready to do something. The example I used was that in the seconds it took me to bundle up for a hike on the mountain behind my house, I had a plan for the route I would take that day, complete with an explanation for every part of my plan: I’d take a steep trail up to get my heart rate up and warm my core, I’d take the two-block route to the trail that would allow for the dog to poop where it could easily be picked up and disposed of, and I’d be sure not to take the steep trail back because my knees were a little achy.

It was that “ah ha” moment on the mountain that I could finally see that strategic showed up a LOT in my life, like when I am in the car, and before I even click my seatbelt on, I know exactly the route I will take to run errands, and the reasons for the route.

And in the time between that discovery and today, I’ve started to see how strategic was showing up in my past, impulsive-looking decisions.

Getting Clawed was absolutely impulsive, there’s no sugar-coating that decision, when my Activator went crazy and Strategic took a back seat.

But the time (seemingly out of nowhere) I asked my husband to marry me after 8 months dating wasn’t nearly as impulsive as it seemed. And the time, two days after we moved from Washington DC to Montana, I drove our 218,000 mile Honda Accord into the Subaru dealer parking lot with a failing transmission and drove out less than two hours later in a Subaru Outback Sport. And the time I walked through an 1890 Victorian home for a few minutes, called Bob to come look at it, and made an offer at 4:00 that afternoon. And the time I talked to Neil Hughes in late October about maybe starting a podcast, and launching it on December 26, 2017 with a handful of episodes in the hopper for a weekly publication. Was I thinking long term about any of those things? Absolutely not.

22 Anniversary, Bob and Sarah at the Missouri River, 2019

And yet, here I am, married for more than 22 years (and still like him an awful lot, but that’s another story), driving our third Subaru since purchasing that first one in 1999, all from the same awesome dealership, living in a charming, “project house” for nearly 20 years with loads of extraordinary memories of raising two wonderful boys, hosting guests, parties, and music in it, and here we are at episode 101 of that crazy idea of a weekly podcast I had nearly two years ago.

So. This is what Strategic-Activator looks like in me. None of those decisions were actually impulsive in the sense that they were exclusively spontaneous. Now – to someone with Deliberative or Intellection in their top strengths (like my husband), they certainly look that way, but that’s because a) they’re not in my head with me, where a ridiculously detailed but very fast internal dialog has happened before I take a step, and b) I haven’t taken them along for that ride.

Before asking my husband to marry me, my hamster brain had spent considerable effort (but not time, necessarily) thinking about things like: I haven’t ever wanted to spend this much time with one person, especially a guy, he treats me like I matter, like I’m smart and insightful, beautiful and sexy, reliable and practical (mostly), he brings me an espresso in bed every morning we’re together, which looks a lot like “love” and “cherish” to me, he’s kind, challenges me, is crazy-smart, warm, and tolerates my crazy – and my family’s crazy, with patience and is even mildly entertained by it. Those all felt like real things to me at the time, they still do, and asking him to marry me just felt right.

Buying that first Subaru wasn’t an instant decision either. And I had seen enough houses in the area we wanted to live, that I knew the deal-breakers for me. Of course, I didn’t REALLY understand what he meant when Bob said: “You know this is a project house, right?” But we haven’t ever regretted those decisions, nearly 20 years later. They were both good, reasonable decisions.

And when I took on that podcast project? I knew I had the support and resources to make it work long before I recorded the first episode. So no, it wasn’t even part of my imagination to consider I’d still be doing this, 101 episodes later. But then, at 20 years old, I thought the only thing I’d ever do for more than 20 years was breathe… and have a cat for a while.

I told a story at a live storytelling event a few years ago, explaining the thought process before getting my one and only tattoo at 44 years old. It’s called I’m Impulsive, Not Stupid.

I’ve been telling myself for most of my life that I’m impulsive, maybe somewhat smart, but definitely lucky for how most of those impulsive decisions turned out well. I told myself I simply trusted my instincts. And yet, as I become more intentional with my strengths, I’m able to see those decisions from a completely different perspective. It has shifted my confidence in a big way, and as a communication coach, has offered me incredible insights into others, particularly those with similar - and opposite - strengths from mine.

Being more aware of how my strengths work has also improved my communication with my husband, family, and close friends. When I’m working through an important decision, I now take those involved for the ride on that hamster wheel in my brain, so they can hear the reasoning behind where I’m leaning in that decision. And even more important, they can see the flaws and/or beauty of the reasoning to help me make those decisions more thoughtful and reliable.

If I surrounded myself only with people who thought like me, I’d miss out on making better decisions, and on recognizing and demonstrating that I value the strengths in the people around me, which is always good for relationships.

What is one thing you’ve been saying about yourself for decades? What are the stories you share that give you and your listeners the perceptions that match that thing you’ve been saying about yourself, confirming those characteristics in a positive or negative way?

Consider where those characteristics might not be what you’ve been telling yourself all these years, and maybe, just maybe you’ll see yourself in a more true, positive light.