430: Every Emotion Comes from Needs, Met and Unmet - featuring Morgane Borzée

I thought I understood the connection between emotional intelligence and behavior, but I was missing a key component:

"... we talk about feelings, but... At the end, every feeling has an underlying need. If it's a pleasant feeling, it's a met need. If it's an unpleasant feeling, it's an unmet need. And needs drive our behavior."

This conversation with Morgane Borzée filled in so many gaps in my understanding of what I've heard referred to as trauma-informed coaching, teaching, and counseling. 

If you're anything like me, you associated the word trauma with something dramatic, like abuse or neglect, death, major accidents, war, natural disasters, etc. Many of us don't feel comfortable using the word trauma to describe experiences in our lives that don't seem to compare with what we know others have experienced.

But trauma in childhood can be something as innocuous as an underlying current of the repression of anger, financial stress and anxiety, sibling rivalry. And each person experiences it differently. Ask your siblings or cousins about growing up and they'll remember completely different episodes as traumatic - or not.

Morgane suffered from severe anxiety as a young adult, and was referred to a therapist that she didn't realize was a trauma specialist. She thought she might be in the wrong place until she heard from the therapist that her anxiety might be coming from repression of anger. And she might be repressing anger because that's how she responded to her fear of the anger she saw expressed in her childhood home, among her family.

"... for years, I was shortcutting anger with anxiety. So whenever a situation would make me angry, I didn't feel angry, I felt anxious."

Her experience with the therapist not only gave her the tools she needed to start truly addressing the anxiety at that deeper level. It gave her the inspiration she then used to create an incredible platform to make what she was learning more accessible and approachable for others. 

She took what she learned in academic, research-based, deeply intellectual settings, and translated into everyday language and characters that the rest of us can apply, learn from, and make real change in our lives and those of the people we influence.

Highlights

• The word trauma feels big, feels significant, and it is, but it's also relative. Each person experiences it differently.

• Needs met and unmet are what drive our emotions and behavior.

Listeners, now it's your turn. During our call, I started writing notes about my own needs and how they affect my behavior when they're not met: My need for respect and how that might show up in emotional responses and anger.

 What are yours?

A need for basic food staples in your house? If somebody gets upset when you run out of peanut butter or eggs, it may be a need in terms of food security that wasn't. What is a pattern of conflict or frustration that you've experienced yourself or experienced with somebody else that might be related to this issue? When your needs are met, you have a particular emotional response, and when they're not met, you have another emotional response. I'm curious to hear what came up for you, what patterns you've uncovered, and maybe what you're going to do about it.

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From Morgane:

I’m the founder of Equanima. I created it after years of struggling with anxiety and realizing how powerful emotional intelligence can be when you actually understand what’s happening inside you.

As a designer, I saw a gap between complex psychological concepts and what people can realistically use in daily life. Equanima exists to bridge that gap by turning emotional intelligence into clear, practical, and visual tools that help people understand their patterns, regulate under pressure, and live more aligned lives.

Visit my website to learn more, and be sure to connect and/or follow me on LinkedIn and Instagram.

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About Sarah

Sarah is a Montana based workplace communication trainer, TEDx speaker, DisruptHR speaker, public speaking coach, professional storyteller, musician, and podcast host. Her workshops and coaching packages with teams and their leaders are known to address and reduce miscommunication – the most common cause of tension and stress in the workplace. Using the team’s results from the StrengthsFinder assessment, she guides teams in learning to speak each other’s “language”, learning to value each other’s strengths and connecting with each other through enhanced self-reflection and effective listening. 

Sarah’s nearly 20 years working in government agencies inspired her to complete her MBA and to achieve her StrengthsFinder certification to improve work environments for others, guiding teams toward increased satisfaction, productivity, and happiness.

Visit her website to purchase her book, Your Stories Don't Define You in paperback or audiobook.

427: Eat Your Feelings - A Cooking Show Demonstrating True Connection, Featuring Sam Nathews

427: Eat Your Feelings - A Cooking Show Demonstrating True Connection, Featuring Sam Nathews

Technically, this is a sequel to episode 423 featuring Cory Brown. Sam Nathews is the cohost for their YouTube cooking show, Eat Your Feelings.

Highlights from the show:

• Sam initially wasn't sure about cohosting the show with Cory! He can be shy about performing or entertaining people he just met. It didn't take long to realize how grateful he was that Cory was persistant in starting the project and about Sam joining the show.

• Sam shared how the show helped him process his grief over losing his mother, and how being able to talk openly about his emotions has been healing for him. He emphasized the importance of normalizing vulnerability, especially for men.

• The Eat Your Feelings show's format of transitioning between lighthearted cooking and deeper emotional discussions resonates with Sam because he sees it as reflective of the ups and downs of real life.

• Sam has been touched by the feedback from viewers (and the show's crew!) who say the show has helped them feel less alone in their own struggles and given them permission to be open about their feelings.

• Sam hopes the show can continue to provide a model for men to be vulnerable and support each other, especially in smaller, rural communities where that may not come as naturally. He sees it as an important service the show provides.

Quotes:

"...especially when you're in the midst of raw, sudden, super traumatic grief, a lot of the feelings and thoughts that come up can make you feel like this is not normal."

"...we've all cried together. We've all laughed together, we've all burnt the skin off the roof of our mouth together, and it's really, it's just been a really fulfilling thing because of the relationships that we've gotten out of that and the personal growth I've seen ... with the crew on the show..."

"...the tagline of our show is 'everybody's got to eat and everybody's got sh*t to go through."

"...I think the feedback that I've gotten ...is 'thank you guys for talking about this stuff and just showing that it's okay for two guys to talk about hard things and what you're feeling and making it normal that it's okay to feel these things.'"

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About Sam:

Sam Nathews is a brand strategist and storyteller, and the co-creator of Eat Your Feelings, a conversation series that blends food, humor, and emotional honesty. With a background in building brands and campaigns, Sam is interested in what happens when we drop polish and talk about the stuff we’re usually taught to hide. He lives in Virginia with his wife, son, and golden retriever and believes some of the best conversations happen in the kitchen.

Be sure to check out Sam's Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. As well as Eat Your Feelings on Youtube and Instagram.

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About Sarah

Sarah is a Montana based workplace communication trainer, TEDx speaker, DisruptHR speaker, public speaking coach, professional storyteller, musician, and podcast host. Her workshops and coaching packages with teams and their leaders are known to address and reduce miscommunication – the most common cause of tension and stress in the workplace. Using the team’s results from the StrengthsFinder assessment, she guides teams in learning to speak each other’s “language”, learning to value each other’s strengths and connecting with each other through enhanced self-reflection and effective listening. 

Sarah’s nearly 20 years working in government agencies inspired her to complete her MBA and to achieve her StrengthsFinder certification to improve work environments for others, guiding teams toward increased satisfaction, productivity, and happiness.

Visit her website to purchase her book, Your Stories Don't Define You in paperback or audiobook.