My Command Hasn't Always Been Appreciated

This week’s episode of Your Stories Don’t Define You is part of a new series I’m exploring:

Podcast cover art with quote and image of Sarah Elkins

For the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing brief stories about my experiences in understanding my natural strengths and using them with intention. As a Gallup certified StrengthsFinder coach, I’ve taken opportunities to work with other coaches for two reasons, one is that I believe in this stuff, the idea that when we understand our own way of thinking, our natural, instinctive talents, and when we understand where we might be getting in our own way, we find more satisfaction in our lives.

Another reason is that to be a coach and to have a coach demonstrates my belief that this works, that working with a good coach adds value. I know that the more I know about my own talents and blind spots, the more effective I can be for my clients.

Today we’ll start with a talent that Gallup calls Command. If you’re more familiar with DiSC profiles, you might find similarities in people strong in the “d” style, with “i” as a close second.

You’ll hear how my command shows up, for better and for worse, and some of the ways I’ve found to present it differently so it’s intentional and positive, rather than subconscious and negative.

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My mother and her twin sister said: “Sarah, you’re so bossy.” Our large family had a reservation at a restaurant and I was being insistent that people stop yammering and get into cars, directing people and touching them on the arm to gesture toward a vehicle.

I was insulted and defensive. It was my intention to get the family to the restaurant on time for our reservation out of respect to the venue, which seemed reasonable to me. I felt like I had been pretty gentle in terms of nudging my aunts, uncles, and cousins to get moving. That’s not how my mom and aunt saw it.

That wasn’t the first time I was called bossy or pushy, and it wouldn’t be the last. One of my bosses once said: “sometimes you’re pushy” in an annual evaluation, in the context of my efforts to move a project forward.

Years after the incident with my extended family and the restaurant reservation, my mother’s husband died and I flew from Montana to California to support her. When I walked into the house, she collapsed into my arms: “Thank goodness you’re here, now I know everything will be okay.”

I held her for a long moment, her huge dog, Pogo, leaning against my leg, my younger sister and my mom’s twin sister standing from the couch to welcome me.

And then I said: “Mom, have you eaten?”

She told me she wasn’t hungry, so I said: “I know, mom. Just sit at the table for a few minutes. If you don’t eat, that’s fine, I’ll eat it or we’ll give it to the dog.” I made a couple of fried eggs and toast, exactly the way I know she likes it, with a sliced peach on the plate. She ate all of it. I knew she would unconsciously start to eat what was in front of her – it was simple, familiar, comfort food. She was surprised when I took the empty plate from in front of her, her eyes welling with tears. I knew she didn’t actually taste the food, and I knew her body and brain desperately needed the fuel.

And then I started to arrange food for the many guests coming by, cleaned up the kitchen, and made sure things were in order as we navigated the next few days of solemn activities.

That’s my role. When things are in flux and people are floundering I can’t help myself. I step in and make order, delegating and doing what needs to be done. It’s not that I want to take a leadership role, most of the time I don’t, actually. My natural instinct is to take that role when I perceive a situation as out of sorts or chaotic. But that’s an important distinction – perceive.

The most practical thing I got out of my training, and continue to get out of working with a coach myself, is that I now understand, embrace, and present my Command far more effectively. I still get called bossy once in a while, but it doesn’t bother me, especially when I know my bossiness ultimately had positive impact on the people around me.

I know when my instinct to lead is driving my behavior, and these days I’m able to take a step back to assess the situation first. I ask questions, I observe, and I decide whether my initial perception of a lack of leadership or direction was accurate. And then I ask the person I believe to have authority if I may facilitate to help guide things forward.

That’s my command. If you’re wondering if I’ve always had this in my top talents, I promise you my mother would say yes. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

The only way we grow as humans, the only way we can truly find satisfaction in our relationships, is to be self-reflective. This is not the same as being hyper critical of ourselves!

Being self-reflective means understanding our role in every situation, in every relationship. What am I doing to move this conversation in a positive direction? What was my role in the conflict with my coworker? What natural talents am I using in ways that are positive, and where am I getting in my own way?

If you enjoyed this podcast brief, stay tuned for next week’s episode, when we’ll explore the Activator talent!

Ready for a deep dive into your natural talents? Click here to schedule a 90 minute session with Sarah, and find out why this tool can be so easily applied, practical, and effective in improving relationships.

ABOUT SARAH:

Elkins Consulting logo plus image of Sarah Elkins and her dog, with Gallup Strengths Coach logo

"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."

In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.

My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.

The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!

Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.