After two years in the position, I found myself standing in the bathroom with a tear-stained face... again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make this work? I'm not a particularly emotional person and yet, here I was with swollen eyes and runny nose... again. Why was I letting my boss get to me like this?
This wasn't the first time I found myself struggling with an abusive boss in a bad environment. Just two positions before this one I had another abusive boss. As I stood looking in the mirror, my reflection said it all: You've been in this position before that, too.
I started to think back on all of my jobs, all the way back to serving at an IHOP in college. There were some exceptions; there were positions where I was valued, where I thrived and became the professional person I am today. Looking back though, there were far too many similar situations. This was a pattern.
It took some real introspection to come to this conclusion, the most humbling and difficult moment in my career.
What an awful realization. Who wants that kind of answer to a question? No one I know wants to admit they did something wrong or that they played a part in what was wrong with a relationship or job.
There wasn't an easy solution to the problem I faced. Not only did I have to spend a lot of time remembering difficult situations, I had to remember them differently. Pulling myself outside of the situation to see it from an alternative perspective was the most important part of the journey. I had to figure out how I was complicit in these abusive situations.
“Was I somehow putting myself in that path, attracting that behavior into my life? Was I allowing myself to be abused? Was I sabotaging myself not only by putting myself in certain situations, but also by not paying attention to my own behavior and how that was affecting the boss’s behavior?”
Yes. Yes. Yes, and yes. So what's the next step? Finding ways to change the pattern.
A related pattern I noticed was that I was reluctant to ask for - or to take advice.
When I was finally at my lowest point at work, I reached out to mentors I thought knew me pretty well and understood my strengths at some level. I was very selective in the people I contacted because I wanted to ask specific questions about what jobs and environments they thought I would thrive. One offered me an analogy, another offered me this piece of advice: "Find something with 'special projects' in the title or description." He knew I had a tendency to learn something well and then get bored with it. I'm not a maintenance kind of employee. He suggested that whatever I did next had to be more project related, something that I could set up, create, manage, and finish.
I learned a lot of lessons in those 2+ years; I continue to face similar challenges, now I'm more aware of my actions that might be contributing to the problems.
Here's my most important advice to others: Take a few days to imagine your best work day. What would you love to be doing on a daily basis? Dig into this, all the way to specific tasks you enjoy and that you're good at. Don't focus on your strengths so much as your interests. I'm really good at some things that I don't enjoy doing!
It may take you a few hours to figure this out, or maybe you already know. When you have your vision pretty clear, figure out the professionals who really know you and make an appointment to see them. Ask them about how they see you, their perceptions of what makes you tick. You might be surprised, so make sure you are REALLY LISTENING.
Ask them for specific ideas about where you should be looking for your next adventure. Ask them for names of other contacts they think could help you bring your vision to life, and ask them if there is anything about your vision that makes them think you have adjustments to make in order to achieve it. The questions won't be awkward but your answers might be - be prepared to walk away and absorb for a while.
And then the hardest part begins; figure out how you might be complicit in your own patterns of frustration in jobs and relationships. Because until you identify your patterns, you will continue to face similar situations. As my mother once told me: "Every obstacle is like a trial. Until you figure out the lesson you are supposed to learn in a trial, you will continue to experience it, over and over again in different situations. Don't be fooled, it's the same trial no matter the context."
*It has been a gift to receive many messages from people expressing their appreciation for my posts, particularly the ones about difficulties I've faced. Stories related to my eclectic career have resonated with a lot of people; I attribute that to the fact that stories help us relate - and apply - our own experiences, practically living them through someone else. Thanks to Elizabeth Chee for inspiring this post.*
Our son is taking theatre this year in school and is loving the experience. We've been telling him for years that he should get involved in performing arts because he can be SO dramatic...
A few weeks ago his class was asked to participate in the State Historical Society's Thursday night live reading event. The students, with great direction from their teacher, selected letters and diaries written by everyday Montanans between 1880 and 1990 to read to the audience. They were invited to select letters and diaries from the Historical Society's robust collection, and to research the characters with help from teachers and professionals in the agency. They also did research on their own to find images, photographs and maps, to create a visual accompaniment for the performance. The letters and diaries were from everyday Montanans, soldiers, families of soldiers, adventurers, and families separated during the civil war.
As a group, they defined the genre they wished to focus on, selected which letters and diaries to read, and created brief narratives to explain to the audience what they were about to hear.
Students took turns that evening between reading the narratives and reading the letters and diary entries as if they were those characters. It was an outstanding performance. What was extraordinary about the evening were the students' responses to questions from the audience following the live readings.
"When you were researching these characters, what struck you most about them?"
The people were real people, not famous historical figures. They were real people with real feelings, fears, and concerns for their families back home. We've read history with major characters, but these people were THERE, in the foxholes, writing letters to people and not knowing if they would ever see them again. They were real people who were experiencing historic moments with different perspectives, hopes, and dreams for the future.
"When you were reading through the letters in class, deciding which ones to include, did you have any emotional responses?"
Oh yes. Sometimes as we read a letter out loud to our classmates we'd get choked up, having trouble finishing reading without crying. I can't speak for my classmates, but for me it was about seeing myself in these words. My brother is serving in the military now and I couldn't help imagining what he would say in a letter if he wrote one.
"Did this exercise make you think differently about letter writing, and technology's impact on our lives and stories?"
Absolutely. It made me want to start writing a diary. So my words might offer a glimpse into real life in this era, way into the future.
Definitely. Reading these letters made me think I should start hand writing letters - on paper, with a pen - so my family could have them in the future.
Yes, for sure. I realized how much we could lose in terms of historical perspective from individuals - not famous people - if we don't find ways to collect the digital records being created now. But not just collecting them, there is plenty of data out there. We need to find ways to make sure the stories don't get lost in the sea of digital records, that we can categorize them and keep them long into the future.
I realized that those letters I have from my grandparents are even more valuable, bigger treasures, than I had given them credit for. Now I want to keep them safe, scan them in case of damage, and make sure I have them for my children some day.
I realize that handwriting really is important because it's part of what made these stories so real to us. Handwriting can give you a glimpse into the personality of the writer.
Are you as impressed as I am by these students? They are telling their own stories simply by expressing their feelings and thoughts about the characters they are researching! How much more can we do for ourselves in sharing our stories in such an engaging environment?
They were asked to perform like this again at another Thursday night reading. The organizers and audience were gushing about the power of this experience and were energized to do more with this concept.
Stories have impact on us emotionally, intellectually and physically. Many of us in the audience were sitting up and leaning forward for the entire hour-long production. What does that say about the performers and their material?
Do you have stories like this to share? Tell me more in the comments below!
Thank you for reading, commenting on, and sharing my posts!
A skilled teacher and entertaining speaker, I offer storytelling and customer service trainings and workshops and one-to-one coaching. I teach people how to find their stories, organize them, and share them across platforms. Learning to tell your story is the key to your success. Visit this page to learn more.
I had a great time speaking at the International Tour Management Institute's 2016 Annual Symposium. It was in Ontario, California, so I was particularly glad to arrive a couple of days early to enjoy the warm weather. Living in Montana, I take every opportunity to travel to warm weather between November and April.
The weekend began with a brief introduction to the team when I registered as a speaker for the event. My mother had driven down from Sacramento to spend some time with me, so I introduced her as well. She was immediately ushered to the operations center of the conference and issued a name badge and tickets to events. The graciousness with which we were treated was beyond expectations.
Sunday was spent on a well-appointed coach, touring the California Sciencenter and cruising on a whale watching tour hosted by Harbor Breeze Cruise from the Long Beach Pier. I met and visited with nearly all of the 50 people on the coach through the day, getting to know the people who would be attending my session the next morning to open the symposium's events. As always, I collected stories through the day, drawing information from people and learning what made them tick. It was beautiful weather; the energy in the group was high and optimistic.
After a long day exploring the area with our new friends, my mother and I were delivered to the hotel. Back in the room for the night, I spent some time reviewing my presentation for the next morning and absorbing the experiences since I arrived in Ontario. I've attended a variety of industry conferences in my life; this one was unique.
Every person I met had one thing in common, one thing that made this group extraordinary.
Curiosity.
Consistent, deeply optimistic curiosity.
It was the first time I presented in a room that size with this kind of energy. Not only were they all curious, each of them had their own story of reinvention. Many came from teaching careers, some from healthcare; I met a rocket scientist, real estate agents, musicians, photographers, and the youngest graduate of ITMI's program - he was 17 when he was certified. The age-range was early 20s to mid 80s; I could have spent days listening to their stories.
It does. You just haven't tapped it yet. Every employee has a story of his own reinvention, struggles and accomplishments in life and in your organization. When your employees learn to tell their stories, you benefit by learning more about what motivates them. Your company also benefits from the added value of company advocacy and continual curiosity. People who are curious, and who are encouraged in that curiosity, are more innovative and generally more satisfied in life.
I can't wait for another opportunity to work with a group like this, to bring out their curiosity and engage them in telling their own stories.
Thank you for reading, commenting on, and sharing my posts!
Few books resonate with me for longer than the time it takes to read them. The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell is one that I continue to refer to in conversations, almost 10 years after reading it. THAT's impact.
Malcolm Gladwell describes the concept this way: "The tipping point is that magic moment when an idea, trend, or social behavior crosses a threshold, tips, and spreads like wildfire." Gladwell's book is about social and business dynamics; imagine a seesaw with a person walking slowly up the plank, and that very small step he will take that will tip the seesaw the other direction.
I've written about starting over, the excitement and anxiety that comes with a decision to drop what you're doing and try something new. I've written about lessons learned from difficult jobs and stepping out of my comfort zone. But what brings us to the jumping off point? For most of us, that point will shift based on the movement of an external fulcrum - but what if we are moving along the plank when the fulcrum shifts? The fulcrum shift could be the loss of a job, or a traumatic event in our lives, over which we have little control.
Very few tipping points happen as suddenly as they appear. It's rare to have a true overnight sensation. Most commonly, things in our lives have been gradually shifting and we're generally unaware of those tiny steps across the plank. We are constantly learning, observing and absorbing new details, even when we don't know it or understand what is happening to us. When the fulcrum shifts, we are already moving ahead (or back), throwing us off balance. Do we notice incremental changes in our marriages before they fall apart? What about those minor details at work that are leading to our dissatisfaction - and ultimate separation from our jobs? People say "I never saw it coming" but is that really true? When we have a major breakthrough in life or at work, do we think it came out of nowhere? Or do we recognize the daily work that went into that success?
What will you be doing when the fulcrum shifts? Are you prepared for that tipping point into the next stage of your life? Can you be prepared if you don't know what that fulcrum is? I believe you can, to some extent.
The two things that can make a positive fundamental shift are attitude and intention.
I recently read a book by Whitney Johnson called Disrupt Yourself. Her book's theme is that the general movement of our lives and careers are S curves of learning, building confidence, and mastery. She suggests that at any moment we can be at a different spot in the many S curves that make up our lives. She offers tools in her book to help us identify where we are on that S curve. The premise of the book is that we are always somewhere on the curve; the trick is to figure out where we are, whether we want to be there, and how to shift or disrupt our curve if the answer is no.
I've been blessed with a couple of connections who have pushed me forward on my seesaw, heading toward my tipping point to success in my next adventure. Each relationship I build seems to be leading me to that point. Wendy Weiner Rouge and I met on LinkedIn and scheduled a FaceTime visit. In that brief conversation, she told me about her love for Simon Sinek and his why theory. She suggested I work to figure out my why because I know my what (what I want to be doing, what makes me feel alive). For me that means coming up with a short, simple statement that can become a sort of mantra. Wendy's why is "to incite gratitude".
My next moment came with a FaceTime visit with Arminda Lindsay. I described an event I'm preparing a session for, the general outline of the session and my plans for engaging the audience. She said: "Sarah, you lit up when you talked about that. You were absolutely glowing."
That's when I realized where I am on my current S curve. That's also when I realized that I am ready for my tipping point.
When you're actively learning, growing, and beyond excited for the next part of your journey - even if you don't know the destination - that's when you're on your way toward a personal tipping point. Keep pressing, keep learning, and make sure you tell people what you want (thanks, Bruce Kasanoff) and eventually, you will hit that tipping point, making your dream a reality.
I'm not delusional. I know this tipping point is one of many in my future. I have a lot of interests I intend to explore; still, every adventure must have a beginning, a first step on the plank of that seesaw. And remember, in our individual version of the seesaw, one person doesn't have to come down in order for another to go up.
One of my favorite children's books, Just A Little Bit, describes the difficulty of a seesaw game between an elephant and a mouse. I won't spoil it for you but I'll give you a hint; the ending reminds us that just a tiny thing can make a big difference, but that every tiny addition can get us closer to our goals.
Thank you for reading, commenting on, and sharing my posts!
