Episode 65: Our Internal Disconnect and the Damage of a Perception Gap

Stories to Shift Your Internal Messages and External Perceptions

My friend Marietta Gentles Crawford wrote a book on the topic, From Nine to Thrive, and I highly recommend it if you want to dig into this theme more deeply.

I describe personal brand as:

What people say about you and think about you when you’re not around.

When I have an opportunity to share my thoughts on this topic as a keynote speaker or workshop facilitator, the first step I take is to describe what I lovingly call the Perception Gap.

That’s the gap between how you THINK you’re being perceived, and how people are ACTUALLY experiencing you.

Many people believe they know, they consider themselves pretty self-reflective, but they aren’t necessarily intentional about how they want to be perceived by the people around them. That creates a major disconnect when it comes to building strong relationships. Why? Because though I don’t believe you need to care what people think about you, you DO need to care about what CERTAIN people think about you.

For instance, do you care what your partner or spouse or children think of you? Of course you do! What about your clients and potential customers? If you don’t, you are absolutely limiting yourself in creating productive relationships.

The disconnect for people who know themselves, but don’t understand their own perception gap is that many don’t realize how they might be contributing to miscommunication with people they care about, and how they might be contributing to many of their own obstacles and challenges.

Think about an experience at work with a person who could be described as a bully. Do you think they wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say: “I’m so happy, so satisfied with my life! Today will be a perfect day to terrorize my colleagues at work! It gives me great satisfaction to know people don’t trust me or want to spend time with me.”

Probably not. Most people who can be described as bullies don’t actually KNOW they’re considered to be that way by the people around them. Some do, for sure, but most don’t. And some who do know themselves well enough have come to the conclusion that: “this is just how I am, and if people don’t like it, that’s just too bad.”

And that would be fine if it stopped there. But it doesn’t ever stop there. People in that situation are often lonely, bitter, are self-conscious and lack self-confidence. The disconnect is that they can’t understand WHY they’re lonely, and they blame everyone around them for their problems. 

The same goes for the colleagues and friends who complain a lot. We have all had experiences with this person, the one that everything seems to happen to: The car accident, the frozen pipes in their house, the dog puking on the carpet, getting fired or passed up for a promotion or new job, the drama with their friends and boyfriend, etc.

It’s one thing to come to work sad or in a bad mood once in a while, but when the complaining is consistent, an everyday thing, that changes how people see that person. Do you love to hang out with people like this? 

Are you that person? 

Have you noticed that when two complainers have to work together, they often don’t like each other? Even complainers don’t like hanging out with complainers!

Often the bullies and complainers in your life know, generally, how people feel about them, but they don’t take the next step to understand their role in that perception.

If a bully or complainer decides they are comfortable with the perceptions of others, it would be simpler just to embrace it. If you know you are the complainer or bully, you must also know that being that kind of person is going to impact your relationships. To address the disconnect, you must understand the consequences of owning those traits, and being intentional with your actions and behaviors.

When I worked with a bully a few years ago, I started to fall into the trap of negativity, consistently complaining about her to my colleagues. It took a while to realize I was getting more and more angry and depressed – and that I didn’t really like myself, partly because I was not only behaving in a way that didn’t feel good, but mostly because I was THAT colleague – the one who complains and talks behind someone’s back. At some point I realized that I was contributing to my situation and tension with her through my actions and behavior.

And from the other side, my boss likely knew there were people talking about her like that, and I wasn’t the only one. She also knew her reputation for being a bully and micromanager, and I know it hurt her. But as far as I knew, she never took that next step of considering her role in that perception, understanding that the common denominator in her trouble among colleagues was her.

Here are some strategies to shift those perceptions, once you’ve realized your role in the negative perceptions people have of you:

Watch for target fixation.

My husband, Bob, has been riding motorcycles for decades. He uses an obstacle in the road to describe the impact of target fixation on motorcycle driving. When a driver sees a deer or something else in the road, an inexperienced driver will focus intently and with anxiety on the deer or obstacle, and will most likely hit it. An experienced driver will be aware of the deer or obstacle, but will focus on the area around it so he can find a solution or alternative to avoid the obstacle.

We can use golf as another analogy here. A good golfer is well aware of the sandtraps, water, and trees between her and the hole she’s aiming for, but uses positive target fixation by focusing her attention on the hole she wants to put the ball into, not the obstacles.

The same can be done when you are making changes and shifting the way you speak and think to improve your relationships. Focus on things that are going right, the things you’re grateful for, the things you do really well.

Ever notice that when you’re considering buying a car, and you’ve narrowed down your choices to, say, an orange Subaru… suddenly you start seeing orange Subarus all over the place? That’s because what you focus on is eventually what you start seeing everywhere.

So focus on the positives, the things you’re grateful for in your life (start small, like being glad for the green lights when you’re running late.) You can be aware of the obstacles for sure, but don’t focus on them.

Look for patterns in your relationships:

If you’re struggling with someone at work, consider whether you’ve been there before. Are there other situations from your past that you had a similar issue?

As you begin to identify patterns of struggle with certain people in your life, at work and in personal relationships, think about whether those people all have a certain trait in common. Are they all generally one gender? Do they lack self-confidence? Do they remind you of a parent or sibling you have a difficult relationship with?

Consider how your behavior might either be attracting this kind of person, or contributing to the tension in those relationships. When you see a pattern emerge, think about what actions and behaviors you can consistently adjust – every day, and with every person – to be a person they want to spend time with.

Be self-reflective and intentional:

When I found a great job early in my career, I couldn’t believe my luck. I was sure I didn’t deserve the position I had been offered. I was so excited for the first few months in that position, doing everything I could to impress the people around me. When a known bully in the organization casually mentioned here concern that I wasn’t qualified for my job, and she couldn’t imagine why they hired me, I started to second-guess my work.

Every time I’d complete a task, I’d get intensely self-conscious about my work and it would take me twice as long as it should because I’d be digging into it to find errors. At some point, this became overwhelming, and my inner critic was screaming at me that I didn’t deserve that job. Someone more qualified would be better, and my colleagues would be better off without me on the team. So my work deteriorated. I was self-sabotaging because I didn’t think I deserved my job and the encouragement I had received from my boss and other colleagues.

But here’s where self-reflection becomes so powerful.

I noticed that as my work deteriorated, my relationships with my colleagues also deteriorated. I knew I was letting them down.

It took a few weeks to see this situation from that perspective, and I had a very close friend to talk through it and process the dynamic out loud. My “ah ha” moment was when I realized it was my choice to be the person who deserved that job and the support and encouragement of my colleagues. 

It was my choice, every day, and with every task, to earn the life, reputation, and relationships I wanted. The best part is that no matter what happened prior to my decision to shift things, I could start right away, with something as simple as showing up for work on time. It would take time to repair the damage I had done, but with every single interaction, I would be intentional about being the person who deserved the life I was living.

It’s your turn now.

• What patterns emerge when you consider the relationships in your life that cause you grief and struggle? What might have been your role in those relationships?

• What patterns emerge when you consider the most healthy, productive relationships in your life? What did you do that helped build those relationships?

• How do you want to be perceived by the people around you? And what consistent actions and behaviors can you use to demonstrate to others that you are someone who deserves – and who earns every day – the life you want to live?

Share Your Story on Your Terms

How Do You Tell Your Story Without Being Defined By It?

It’s not uncommon for people who have disabilities, or dealt with tragedies and other life-altering experiences to want to move forward and just “be normal.” Children who have experienced the death of a parent or sibling are often heard expressing this feeling of not wanting to be known as “the kid who lost his mom.” Many times in life, we see our weirdness through the eyes of the people around us, not really knowing that most everyone feels weird or different, or somehow not “normal” at some point in their lives.

Brian Schulman was sure he was weird, sure he didn’t fit in as he was growing up, partly because he had been born premature and had related health issues, and partly because he was diagnosed with Tourette syndrome in his pre-teen years. He definitely stood out with his tics and quirky physical movements, and being bullied didn’t help at all with his internal messages of being different.

The beauty, though, of each of us having those negative experiences is that they help us make a choice between adding to the sadness and aggressiveness in the world around you, or making a positive difference so those around you never feel like you did. That’s how Brian chose to live his life. He intentionally became a person others wanted to be around, he made sure the people around him felt good about themselves, felt like they could BE themselves.

Learn more about Brian, and connect with him on LinkedIn and Facebook!

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Identify Personal Patterns Through Struggle

After two years in the position, I found myself standing in the bathroom with a tear-stained face... again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make this work? I'm not a particularly emotional person and yet, here I was with swollen eyes and runny nose... again. Why was I letting my boss get to me like this?

This wasn't the first time I found myself struggling with an abusive boss in a bad environment. Just two positions before this one I had another abusive boss. As I stood looking in the mirror, my reflection said it all: You've been in this position before that, too.

I started to think back on all of my jobs, all the way back to serving at an IHOP in college. There were some exceptions; there were positions where I was valued, where I thrived and became the professional person I am today. Looking back though, there were far too many similar situations. This was a pattern.

It took some real introspection to come to this conclusion, the most humbling and difficult moment in my career.

I had some complicity here.

What an awful realization. Who wants that kind of answer to a question? No one I know wants to admit they did something wrong or that they played a part in what was wrong with a relationship or job.

There wasn't an easy solution to the problem I faced. Not only did I have to spend a lot of time remembering difficult situations, I had to remember them differently. Pulling myself outside of the situation to see it from an alternative perspective was the most important part of the journey. I had to figure out how I was complicit in these abusive situations.

“Was I somehow putting myself in that path, attracting that behavior into my life? Was I allowing myself to be abused? Was I sabotaging myself not only by putting myself in certain situations, but also by not paying attention to my own behavior and how that was affecting the boss’s behavior?”

Yes. Yes. Yes, and yes. So what's the next step? Finding ways to change the pattern.

A related pattern I noticed was that I was reluctant to ask for - or to take advice.

When I was finally at my lowest point at work, I reached out to mentors I thought knew me pretty well and understood my strengths at some level. I was very selective in the people I contacted because I wanted to ask specific questions about what jobs and environments they thought I would thrive. One offered me an analogy, another offered me this piece of advice: "Find something with 'special projects' in the title or description." He knew I had a tendency to learn something well and then get bored with it. I'm not a maintenance kind of employee. He suggested that whatever I did next had to be more project related, something that I could set up, create, manage, and finish.

I learned a lot of lessons in those 2+ years; I continue to face similar challenges, now I'm more aware of my actions that might be contributing to the problems.

Here's my most important advice to others: Take a few days to imagine your best work day. What would you love to be doing on a daily basis? Dig into this, all the way to specific tasks you enjoy and that you're good at. Don't focus on your strengths so much as your interests. I'm really good at some things that I don't enjoy doing!

It may take you a few hours to figure this out, or maybe you already know. When you have your vision pretty clear, figure out the professionals who really know you and make an appointment to see them. Ask them about how they see you, their perceptions of what makes you tick. You might be surprised, so make sure you are REALLY LISTENING.

Ask them for specific ideas about where you should be looking for your next adventure. Ask them for names of other contacts they think could help you bring your vision to life, and ask them if there is anything about your vision that makes them think you have adjustments to make in order to achieve it. The questions won't be awkward but your answers might be - be prepared to walk away and absorb for a while.

There are no easy answers.

Be kind to yourself while you work through this. And know that you are a work in progress; what makes you happy and content today will probably change in the future.

And then the hardest part begins; figure out how you might be complicit in your own patterns of frustration in jobs and relationships. Because until you identify your patterns, you will continue to face similar situations. As my mother once told me: "Every obstacle is like a trial. Until you figure out the lesson you are supposed to learn in a trial, you will continue to experience it, over and over again in different situations. Don't be fooled, it's the same trial no matter the context."

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*It has been a gift to receive many messages from people expressing their appreciation for my posts, particularly the ones about difficulties I've faced. Stories related to my eclectic career have resonated with a lot of people; I attribute that to the fact that stories help us relate - and apply - our own experiences, practically living them through someone else. Thanks to Elizabeth Chee for inspiring this post.*