Self-Reflection Can Help You Rid Your World of "Shoulds"

I woke up the other day inspired to write a blog post encouraging people to really re-think their holidays this year, to avoid trying to make them feel “normal”, and stressing out over obligations they cannot meet.

Madly typing away, I knew I was on to something important, inspiring even!

For some reason, I saved the article without sharing or posting it anywhere.

When I woke up the next day, I was faced with two struggles:

Our major kitchen remodel would be delayed again, and we will not be back in there for Thanksgiving, and
I received an email that made me uncomfortable, and had to acknowledge something I didn’t want to see in myself, something I really don’t love.

It was tempting to hunker down and immediately get to work, even though I knew I wouldn't be inspired or productive, mostly spinning my wheels and finding opportunities for distraction.

Instead, I forced myself to put on my hiking boots and take the dog for a long walk. I knew if I could get myself outside for a little while, I'd be far more productive for the rest of the day.

I was right.

As I walked in the snow in the crisp, clear air, I realized the tone of my article was too “preachy.” It happens sometimes when I have an idea I really want to share, an idea I believe will make a positive impact on people.

Toby is definitely a mountain & snow dog. Mt Helena, Helena, Montana

But I know better than to write and speak about things as if I’m separate from them, that if I want to have an impact, the lesson has to take the form of a personal story. Understanding why I didn’t post the article helped me realize that THAT was the thing I didn’t want to see in myself. I had been in the mode of advising, rather than coaching, when I clearly needed to be the latter for that situation.

Finally feeling more clear headed as I walked, I realized that because of the disappointment of the delayed house project, I had a perfect story to share to make my point about rethinking the holidays this year.

Rethinking Our Holiday Season

Our Thanksgiving and Hanukkah have always been pretty low-key. We’ve lived at least 750 miles from our nearest family member since we moved to Montana 21 years ago. Even so, the holidays can be stressful for me, when it comes time to acknowledge our family with gifts that are meaningful, especially because we live so far away and don’t see each other often.

I recently recorded an episode of Unapologetically Bold, I’m Not Sorry For… with Emily Elrod, and we talked about removing the word “should” from our vocabulary. This was in the context of internal “shoulds”, like “I should go to the gym” or “I should eat a salad instead of these potato chips.” And also our external “shoulds” like “you shouldn’t eat those potato chips” and “you should change your oil every 5,000 miles!”

Should can be condescending, but worse for me is how it is associated with obligation.

Anyone who has gone to a family Thanksgiving dinner that they really didn’t want to go to understands obligation. What they might not realize is that the people at the table know you’re feeling obligated and that you don’t really want to be there.

What do you think that does to your relationships? Obligation is the precursor to guilt, neither are good for relationships.

But how to we back out without making things worse?

Imagine that you’ve invited a close friend over for dinner, and she shows up but obviously doesn’t want to be there. She thinks she’s being subtle, that you don’t know, but of course you feel it.
She felt obligated for one reason or another, and here she is. Do you notice her distance? Does it bother you that she didn’t feel like she could say something to you, to cancel or postpone the date? Or do you relish in her feeling obligated, does it make you feel good that she came only because she had to, not because she wanted to? I doubt it.

What if she said: “I can’t join you and your family for dinner, it’s uncomfortable for me, too chaotic. I’d like to have dinner with just you so we can really connect. Is next Saturday okay?”

She’s being honest about her discomfort, and though it’s a little painful that your family creates discomfort for her, aren’t you grateful for her honesty? Plus, she’s not making up an excuse, and she’s asking for a specific time – with the specific intention to spend time with you, as opposed to saying “raincheck?”

Here we are, heading into holidays full of “should”, obligation, and guilt.

Are Those "Shoulds" Yours, or Do They Belong to Someone Else?

I had a grand vision of Thanksgiving in our home in our newly renovated kitchen. We’ve spent 20 years in the house and have done a lot of critical projects inside this 1890 Victorian in the mountains, but we hadn’t touched the kitchen… until now.

You can imagine my disappointment when I heard the news that we wouldn’t be back in the kitchen until at least the week after Thanksgiving.

My vision of hosting our grown sons and their girlfriends in our new kitchen was crushed.

Here’s the thing I have to remember: Nothing has been normal or predictable about 2020.

Our kids know this isn’t normal, and if there’s one thing they’ve learned this year, it’s that life is unpredictable, even going to school isn’t guaranteed!

For the duration of this project I’ve been filled with gratitude. We have a place to live while this is going on, a small AirBnB apartment with a fully equipped kitchen.

On my walk, I realized I had to practice what I preach: I had to rethink my holidays this year.

This year is different in so many ways, including our opportunity to rethink what actually makes us happy, what our priorities are, and to make adjustments to our rituals and traditions to meet those priorities. We get to decide which ones serve us and our family and which do not.

I texted our boys to let them know the change in plans, and that we would have a limited Thanksgiving menu this year: Turkey, stuffing, cranberries, green vegetable. I asked them what food was their favorite for this holiday, and promised to make it sometime over the weekend. (Partly because I simply love to cook!)

Guess what? They’re FINE with the change in plans. One of them even replied: “It’s all good, mom, as long as we can be together.”

We are going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year in a completely different way, in a small apartment filled with laughter, food, and likely some whiskey.

We might discover some new traditions and rituals to add to our future holidays, or maybe it’ll be just this one year that we celebrate differently.

I know it will be meaningful, and rather than stress about “trying to make it as normal as possible” (as if normal always equals good), I’ll simplify our Thanksgiving celebration.

I am giving up obligation this year and following my heart, giving and receiving based on the impact I want to have on the people around me, not on someone else’s should.

What will you do to make this year different in a good way? What new traditions will you create to make this meaningful and special? How will you acknowledge the love for your family if you cannot be with them during the holidays?

You can do this. I can do this. We’ve been through so much already this year, let’s make the most of this opportunity.

Here's a great article that describes the value of creating rituals when life feels uncertain and unpredictable:

“Having rituals is a reliable way to come back to something that is comforting, familiar and meaningful — no matter how out-of-control our life feels...” ~ Nick Hobson

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About Sarah:

In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.

My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.

The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will, will be released in mid-November, and for a limited time, the ebook is just $0.99!

As a special bonus for listeners, the book will include two songs recorded by my band, Spare Change, in my living room in Montana. Keep an eye out for announcements through LinkedIn and via my Elkins Consulting Facebook & Instagram pages, or visit my website to learn more.