393 Being Direct and Intentional in Conversations
It can be far too easy to let yourself be passive in conversations, whether it be to let another person make a decision or to avoid conflict. However in doing so we rob ourselves and others of deep meaningful connection, which is why it is so important to be direct and intentional with your words.
In today’s episode Sarah Elkins talks about these points while also bringing up times in her life where she was passive and direct in conversation, and why it is so important to her to be direct and intentional.
393 Being Direct and Intentional in Conversations
It can be far too easy to let yourself be passive in conversations, whether it be to let another person make a decision or to avoid conflict. However in doing so we rob ourselves and others of deep meaningful connection, which is why it is so important to be direct and intentional with your words.
In today’s episode Sarah Elkins talks about these points while also bringing up times in her life where she was passive and direct in conversation, and why it is so important to her to be direct and intentional.
Highlights
Be direct and honest with your words, don’t leave room for doubt or miscommunication.
Don’t leave a conversation completely up to one person. Communication goes both ways.
Being intentional in conversation, as well as understanding and compassionate.
Quotes
“I realized a lot of miscommunication and unintended injury happens when we’re passive in our language.”
“I also remembered a few people from my past who were especially difficult, insulting, and actually cruel in their communication with me. I thought about how I interacted with them – things I could have handled differently - for the purpose of learning, not regret, and thoughts about”
Dear Listeners it is now your turn,
I encourage you to listen to last week’s short episode and then try using a less passive voice in your communication. What will you do differently so you can move past injury and grow into better, safer, more satisfying relationships?
And, as always, thank you for listening.
About Sarah
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
Be sure to check out the Storytelling For Professionals Course as well to make sure you nail that next interview!
392 Intention and Mindfulness In Conversation
Inevitably we will have to confront the reality of how certain comments, remarks, and individuals make us feel, especially when it is in a negative way. Unspoken expectations lead to resentment, and if we do not have the hard conversations and practice curiosity and active listening we not only do a disservice to them but to ourselves as well.
In this episode Sarah Elkins takes us on a hike with her dog Jocko, while teaching us the importance of mindfulness and intention in conversations, and how important it is we talk to and listen to people we want to maintain relationships with.
392 Intention and Mindfulness In Conversation
Inevitably we will have to confront the reality of how certain comments, remarks, and individuals make us feel, especially when it is in a negative way. Unspoken expectations lead to resentment, and if we do not have the hard conversations and practice curiosity and active listening we not only do a disservice to them but to ourselves as well.
In this episode Sarah Elkins takes us on a hike with her dog Jocko, while teaching us the importance of mindfulness and intention in conversations, and how important it is we talk to and listen to people we want to maintain relationships with.
Highlights
Sharing things we enjoy with others.
How do you approach conversations that involve or may lead to conflict?
Knowing when, where, and how to start the hard conversations. Be mindful of your audience.
Stay curious about someone’s intentions and remember to actively listen.
Quotes
“Passive versus more direct approaches in having conversations, particularly in times when we feel like there is going to be conflict or we’re addressing something that could create conflict.”
“Anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship knows that timing is everything.”
“It’s all about Practice.”
About Sarah
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
Be sure to check out the Storytelling For Professionals Course as well to make sure you nail that next interview!
194: There are Three Parts to Our Lives, and One is Undercover
She grew up in a solidly middle class household with little exposure to the underbelly of her community. As an undercover cop posing as a prostitute, Diane Halfman got a quick and unlikely education about that world.
She had to learn to trust her instincts and own her space, her power, and her current coaching clients get the benefit of her knowledge and experience doing just that.
Diane Halfman: Stories from Undercover
Diane Halfman quote and image, podcast cover art
She grew up in a solidly middle class household with little exposure to the underbelly of her community. As an undercover cop posing as a prostitute, Diane Halfman got a quick and unlikely education about that world.
She had to learn to trust her instincts and own her space, her power, and her current coaching clients get the benefit of her knowledge and experience doing just that.
Our conversations shifted between her experience tracking a serial killer undercover to her "ah ha" moment with a former boyfriend as she navigated a kidnapping ordeal with a friend. Diane shared intimate stories of how she became the powerful, insightful coach she is today, and why what she does matters not only to her clients, but to the circle of community her clients will influence.
Diane Halfman image and quote, podcast cover art
When you've listened to this episode of Your Stories Don't Define You, it may take a few days to fully process what you've heard. And when you do, you'll want to follow her work, subscribe to her podcast, and connect with her through her social media platforms.
Consultant, Trainer and Podcaster, Diane Halfman, utilizes her survival instincts from her work as an undercover prostitute to empower business leaders to move through crisis, manage boundaries and to not second guess yourself. She is the host of the Live Your SPAlife podcast. The SPA in SPAlife stands for Seek Power Always - that power within you to do your deeper work in the world.
ABOUT SARAH:
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
Episode 189: Podcast Brief 3 - Ideation & Adaptability Gain Momentum
In this week’s episode I’ll round out a description of my top five talents with Ideation and Adaptability. Ideation being the one that I imagine as a hamster on a wheel in my head, constantly running, coming up with ideas about what I’ll do next, ideas to solve problems, sometimes completely random ideas about why things happen the way they do, how things work (usually unrelated to anything that actually matters in my life), and how to express concepts so they’re sticky and/or persuasive.
Adaptability is the talent that allows me to switch gears easily, and that makes me a good person to be around when a project goes sideways.
StrengthFinder Results Can Bring Clarity to Your Communication Patterns of Friction
Podcast brief 3 – Ideation / Adaptability
Podcast cover art with image and quote from Sarah Elkins
This week’s episode of Your Stories Don’t Define You is part 3 of a series I’m exploring to clarify how StrengthsFinder results can provide clarity around your life's patterns.
Two weeks ago I shared what it’s like to have Command in your top talents using the StrengthsFinder assessment, and last week I shared stories about my top two talents, Strategic & Activator: how they used to look to me, what they look like now in my life, and some of the strategies I use so they work for me instead of against me.
As a Gallup certified StrengthsFinder coach, I’ve taken opportunities to work with other coaches for two reasons, one is that I believe in this stuff, the idea that when we understand our own way of thinking, our natural, instinctive talents, and when we understand where we might be getting in our own way, we find more satisfaction in our lives. Another reason is that to be a coach and to have a coach demonstrates my belief that this works, that working with a good coach adds value. I know that the more I know about my own talents and blind spots, the more effective I can be for my clients.
Image of a hamster running in a wheel.
In this week’s episode I’ll round out a description of my top five talents with Ideation and Adaptability. Ideation being the one that I imagine as a hamster on a wheel in my head, constantly running, coming up with ideas about what I’ll do next, ideas to solve problems, sometimes completely random ideas about why things happen the way they do, how things work (usually unrelated to anything that actually matters in my life), and how to express concepts so they’re sticky and/or persuasive.
Adaptability is the talent that allows me to switch gears easily, and that makes me a good person to be around when a project goes sideways.
My top five talents combined; Strategic, Activator, Ideation, Command, and Adaptability are what make me great at what I do, they’re also the things that get me into trouble when I’m not using them with intention. When I look back at the experiences of significant friction in my life, I now know part of why they happened, how I contributed to my own struggles, and maybe ways I could have done things a little differently.
It doesn’t help, necessarily, to think about the “what ifs” directly, I like to think of it more as identifying patterns so I can make changes in my responses & reactions when similar situations appear, which happens a lot.
When I was 18 and struggling in a job, I told my mother I was thinking of quitting.
“Sarah, if you quit now, this same scenario will come up over and over again until you learn the lesson you’re supposed to learn from it. It’ll be different people, but a very similar struggle.”
I stayed, and yes, I did learn a lot from the experience. I was proud of myself for sticking it out, I felt strong, resilient, and ready for the next challenge.
Though I learned a lot about myself and the world around me in that job, it took another 20 years to truly uncover the pattern that began to emerge that year. That’s the beauty of self-reflection: When you uncover negative patterns from your past, you can begin to change them for your future.
Prior to about 2015, if you changed jobs more than twice in a 5 year period, you were considered a “job hopper”, which made hiring managers pretty uncomfortable when they looked at your resume. In the 2020s, between the lack of consistency in industries and the gig economy making waves, we’re seeing a much needed change in that way of thinking. Maybe I was just ahead of my time…
It wasn’t until I saw my results in the StrengthsFinder assessment, with Adaptability in large, bold font on the report, that I understood my self-created label of being a “2 to 3 year employee.”
When a job lasted longer than that, I can see in my rearview that the job shifted often enough to keep me moving, motivated, and interested. For instance, when I worked as a software consultant, implementing large-scale HR programs, the longest contract I was on lasted 14 months, and then my company would move me onto a new client project.
Many years later I was a compliance officer for a Federal grant - and I don’t even like rules. Looking back, I know why I applied for the job – to get more financial skills to round out my business experiences after completing my MBA – but I have no idea why they hired me or why I accepted the position.
The first few weeks were spent reading the rules related to the grant, reporting requirements, and everything I could get my hands on to make sure I understood all the strings attached to the 2+ million dollars that would be moving through our project.
The next few weeks were spent with that hamster in my head that I mentioned, constantly coming up with ideas about how to collect the required data from our 44 sub-grantees, how to manage our budget, and how to make sure our sub-grantees understood their role in compliance.
Using Microsoft Access, I created a robust database for data collection and budget management. I created easy to use forms to enter data, using drop down boxes, radio buttons, and select fields as much as possible to limit typos and errors in formatting.
Looking back, I can easily see how my top strengths made me successful in that position, despite being in a job that wasn’t a great fit, and with a boss with significantly different motivation and perspectives on work and management.
When I look back now, I realize I knew two things when I started, even though I didn’t think intentionally about them at the time:
1) To ensure compliance from our sub-grantees, I needed to have strong, positive relationships with them. They must WANT to be compliant, rather than HAVE TO be compliant to make this work smoothly and get the most positive impact out of the investments we were making.
2) I needed structures and processes that made sense in collecting data, managing the budget, and creating required, accurate reports, because I knew myself well enough to know that once I got into maintenance mode, I was unlikely to be as good at managing details.
I mentioned the boss & I had some friction… This is what happens when your strengths are significantly different from others in your team, and communication styles aren’t addressed early in the relationships.
My mouse hovered over the send button.
The email message was pointed—direct—and I felt strongly that these words needed to be shared with my boss and a director of the agency. But I hesitated as my mouse hovered.
I had felt lethargic throughout the weekend. From the time I left the office on Friday evening until Tuesday morning, I couldn’t shake this lack of motivation. A few minutes after I sat down at my desk on that Tuesday morning, I looked up at my calendar, and the lightbulb in my head went on. Monday had been my two-year anniversary at that job.
When I left my previous position, I made a “deal-breaker” list. It was basically my top priorities for my next job. A micromanaging, cruel boss was at the top of my list of deal breakers. Next was my workspace. An internal cubical, small and without windows, was also a deal breaker. There were a few others, but those were the big ones.
As I walked into the building for my third interview, and was shown to what would be my third-floor office with huge windows and a fantastic view, I knew this would be mine. And here I was, exactly two years later, feeling lethargic and sad despite this phenomenal view from my desk.
I shifted the mouse pointer away from the send button and reread the message.
A memory from my previous position floated to the front of my brain.
My mouse pointer had hovered dangerously over the send button two+ years prior at my previous job. I absolutely knew this message was likely to create drama with my boss. I rationalized hitting the send button: “It’s a reasonable thing to forward. I’m not doing anything wrong.”
I totally underestimated the drama, and seconds after I hit the button, my boss was next to my desk, her voice rising in pitch and volume.
I blushed, angry at the overreaction and embarrassed at the attention she was drawing to our cubicle, as I tried to explain why I sent the email. Nothing I said made a difference, and she stomped away from me, furious.
A few minutes later, as I was walking around the building to get some fresh air and perspective, it dawned on me. I totally earned that embarrassment. I poked the bear. I knew I was going to poke the bear. I knew I was antagonizing her when I hit the send button on that message. No matter how rational and reasonable the content of that message, I knew I was stirring up trouble and I did it anyway.
Why?
At that point in my job, I was in maintenance mode. I had set up systems to manage reporting and compliance, and most of my days were spent reviewing spreadsheets and building reports based on the data I was collecting. It was relatively quiet for our team that week, and I was probably bored, so I sabotaged myself.
Fast-forward two years later as my mouse pointer hovered over the send button, my memory of the other experience vivid and ready to be applied. I stopped myself. I reflected. I was bored, and I was about to sabotage myself . . . again.
I realized that if I was bored, it was up to me to find a more constructive way to address it. In that job, I had a lot of autonomy and freedom to work on projects, so I took some time to think about what I wanted to learn more about, what projects would truly benefit the organization and our community, and those I could persuade my boss and other leaders in the organization to support and implement. Making a list and starting to carefully word my next proposal, I saved that email message for another time, and as a reminder to avoid sabotaging myself again.
Now that you know how my Strategic, Activator, Ideation, Command, and Adaptability show up, you could probably pinpoint exactly where they served me well, and where they didn’t in my past.
Without being conscious of my top talents, I can be very good at what I do, but there will always be a limit to my growth. Not only because I’m not practicing with intention to grow my use of those talents, but because I would be unaware of the ways my talents are creating unnecessary obstacles and struggles.
The only way we grow as humans, the only way we can truly find satisfaction in our relationships, is to be self-reflective. This is not the same as being hyper critical of ourselves!
Being self-reflective means understanding our role in every situation, in every relationship. What am I doing to move this conversation in a positive direction? What was my role in the conflict with my coworker? What natural talents am I using in ways that are positive, and where am I getting in my own way?
Please send me a message if you enjoyed this series of podcast briefs! If they were useful to listeners, I’ll do another series in the future.
Next week’s episode of the Your Stories Don’t Define You podcast features Terre Roche, vocalist and guitar player famous for her performances with her sister and their band The Roches! Hearing her stories of touring across the country at 17 years old, her love for music, and her accidental career will inspire you to look at your life in a different way. Don’t miss it!
ABOUT SARAH:
Elkins Consulting logo with image of Sarah and her dog.
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
Episode 182: Do You Have a Personal Story Portfolio?
"I just don't think that way - in a linear timeline of events. I read your book, but I couldn't start collecting my stories, even when I tried to use the exercises and worksheets you provided."
Mary was getting ready for a series of interviews, and she knew preparing a few personal stories would be critical to truly engaging her interviewers and their audiences.
How to Collect Your Stories For Every Audience
Episode 182 podcast cover art with quote & image of Sarah Elkins
"I just don't think that way - in a linear timeline of events. I read your book, but I couldn't start collecting my stories, even when I tried to use the exercises and worksheets you provided."
Mary was getting ready for a series of interviews, and she knew preparing a few personal stories would be critical to truly engaging her interviewers and their audiences.
Page 133 of the book, Your Stories Don’t Define You
When I started as a communication coach, my intention was to guide people toward useful self-reflection. That's the only way to be a good communicator, you have to know yourself, understand your role in miscommunication, and be aware of how you're being perceived by the people around you.
It's not about being a chameleon, changing who you are based on the person you're speaking with, it's about being intentional about what you want as the result of any interaction, and making adjustments in how you present information so you're more likely to be understood - and to understand.
I use storytelling as the foundation of my work because the stories people tell - and how they tell them - say a lot about who they are, how they think, and where they're getting in their own way.
After two sessions, Mary was getting frustrated at her inability to recall key parts of her life with any detail. She struggled with the structure I created in the book and felt like it was her failure in memory that was causing the problem.
At the beginning of our third session, I had a moment of clarity.
"Tell me about someone who was in your life briefly, and had a profound impact on you."
She immediately recalled a professor she struggled with during her master's degree program.
"What did he look like? Can you see him now, can you imagine he's in front of you?"
"Where would you have had a conversation with him? Put yourself there."
"When you think of a time you sat in that place with him, what is the conversation you're having?"
Suddenly a world opened up in front of us. My client had a vivid memory of a pivotal conversation she had with the professor. She recalled where they were standing, what had happened in the hours before, and exactly what happened in the days following.
It was a powerful memory and an incredible story.
Book cover image, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will
The book Your Stories Don't Define You, How You Tell Them Will includes worksheets and exercises to guide readers to begin collecting stories in a story portfolio. The intention is to have a variety of stories ready to use at an appropriate time, with an appropriate audience.
The worksheets begin by asking about particular eras in the reader's life, a broad description like: "First year out of high school", "the year my father died", "my engagement and first year of marriage."
As the reader continues through the book, they're asked to recall certain pivotal moments within those eras, like a particular adventure or situation they experienced right after they graduated from high school, maybe a car accident or moving into the dormitory for their freshman year of college. The worksheets guide the reader to dig into those memories to uncover details about where they were, who was with them, and what made the moment scary, enlightening, exciting, awesome...
Working with Mary made me realize there are many other ways to collect these stories, and that some people don't think in such a linear way to be able to pick out eras as being pivotal parts of their lives.
At the end of our third session, I asked Mary to do some homework prior to our next appointment.
"Write down the names of two other people who had major influence on your life. Not your parents or direct family members - yet. Think about both positive and negative experiences, I know I have some unhappy, challenging memories of particular people who had influence on who I am today, for better or for worse."
She came back to our next session eager to begin, and we uncovered three more great stories for her portfolio.
Mary was ready for more homework.
"This week, jot down a few locations, places you visited or lived, that you know now were meaningful to you. Think about your first apartment, or maybe a house you lived in for a short time, but where important things happened when you lived there."
Our sessions from that point forward were full of energy, memories, and incredible discussions about her experiences with particular people and in particular locations.
By our sixth session together, she had a portfolio full of great story ideas, and she was ready to start fleshing them out into stories to practice telling in person, to prepare for the interviews she had scheduled, and to write as blog posts to share.
But we weren't done yet.
Now that she had great story ideas, it was time to categorize them so she'd have a better idea of when to share them!
We worked through her StrengthFinder results and discussed what was important to her in terms of how she was perceived, especially for the upcoming interviews.
Mary said: "I want to be known as reliable, knowledgable and competent in my field, and as someone with a sense of humor."
Slowly and carefully, we reviewed the many stories in her collection and categorized them:
These demonstrate my reliability.
These demonstrate my sense of humor.
This story demonstrates my knowledge in my field.
There were some that crossed multiple categories, of course.
Having this structure gave her confidence, particularly as we uncovered specific work-related stories that, instead of saying "I'm reliable!", she could share one that demonstrated her reliability. It no longer felt like bragging, it felt like a story, complete with an obstacle, other characters, a specific project, a location, and a successful conclusion.
As any author will tell you, I never really thought Your Stories Don't Define You was complete. If I hadn't made certain promises, it might never have been published. I always found changes I wanted to make and additions that would make it better.
But I remember reading the story portfolio instructions and reviewing the worksheets and thinking they were good, they were ready for readers to use.
They're still good, and many readers have found them to be a great start for their own story portfolios, but I suppose if I had it to do again, I might consider a few other options beyond starting with general eras in a lifetime.
If you're collecting stories for your story portfolio, remember that there isn't just one way to do anything. Use the tools that work for you. The important part is that you realize how your stories can influence your internal messages and the perceptions of others, and that you're beginning to collect them.
And when you have one of your own "ah ha!" moments with one of these vivid memories, I hope you'll reach out and let me know.
---
ABOUT SARAH:
Elkins Consulting logo plus image of Sarah Elkins with dog and Gallup StrengthsFinder Coach logo
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
Audiobook cover promo art
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
Episode 165: Don't Fight the Current. Embrace it. Use it to Propel You Forward
Analogies are a powerful way to shift a mindset, taking all the emotion and knowledge of something familiar, and applying it to something completely different.
In our conversation, Joe demonstrated the analogy of taking small steps in business, testing them, and shifting them when necessary to adjust to external forces, and compared that to how a whitewater canoe athlete can roll with the force of the current, testing different positions of the paddle, their body weight, and the position of their legs. Each small adjustment, taken with thought and intention, can make the difference between fighting the current and embracing its power.
Whitewater Canoeing Makes For Ideal Life & Business Analogies
I spend a lot of time on rivers here in Montana, and never thought of that time and all the lessons I've learned in my experiences as analogies for business and life until I read Sarah Johnston's interview with Joe Jacobi.
Analogies are a powerful way to shift a mindset, taking all the emotion and knowledge of something familiar, and applying it to something completely different.
In our conversation, Joe demonstrated the analogy of taking small steps in business, testing them, and shifting them when necessary to adjust to external forces, and compared that to how a whitewater canoe athlete can roll with the force of the current, testing different positions of the paddle, their body weight, and the position of their legs. Each small adjustment, taken with thought and intention, can make the difference between fighting the current and embracing its power.
You don't have to be someone who spends a lot of time on, in, or near rivers to understand this analogy and apply it to whatever problem you're trying to solve.
The highlight of this conversation for me was when Joe described how being mindful makes the difference between getting frustrated and fearful as the river takes control of the boat, and the thoughtful, intentional, subtle movements he makes to get "unstuck" from whatever obstacle he was facing.
As I make my way as a self-employed professional, building my business, trying out small ideas and shifts in my services and focus, I'll continue to consider this analogy, not fighting the current, but embracing its power to propel me forward.
Episode 158: Happy New Year Every Day, Because Every Day is an Opportunity
My plan, in case you want to know, is to keep taking things one day at a time, to mostly ignore the news because nothing said there is going to change my behavior in any way, and continue to make an effort every day to live in alignment with who I believe I can be.
I'll fail sometimes. The judge-y internal voice will pop up and I'll have to address it. I'll step in it with people I love and respect because of obliviousness and self-absorption, and I'll eat potato chips when I know a better option is out there.
Our Most Meaningful Stories Prepare Us for Our Most Pivotal Moments
We know instinctively that nothing significantly changes overnight based on an arbitrary calendar date. And yet, we still find a way to optimistically celebrate December 31st and January 1st as if something magical will happen and we’ll wake up with:
A different news feed
The motivation to change our eating habits
The inspiration to create and stick with a new routine that includes daily exercise
The flexibility and ambition to change our careers and businesses.
All without having to wade through the tough stuff. Like magic. Poof!
The new year is a great time to reflect on life, though I love to do that more often than once a year. As a matter of fact, I much prefer to take the week of my birthday to do my deeper soul-searching. That date seems far less arbitrary to me.
When I think about my most pivotal moments in life, the birth of our boys, the death of my dad, leaving my last job to be self-employed, the major conflicts in my life that lead to big changes in my self-perception and confidence, I realize none of those happened suddenly. Sure there was the moment Jacob arrived, at 8:09pm on a cold day in October, but I had 40+ weeks of gradual preparation for that moment.
There are very few true “lightbulb” moments, you know, the kind that suddenly illuminate.
The majority of our “lightbulb” moments aren’t actually that – they’re on a dimmer switch, and it happens to be that a moment in time is captured as being the one when the light came on – fully bright and sparkling.
When we collect our most meaningful moments as stories, we can see the patterns that created our pathways. We can begin to connect the dots of our journey and better understand that nothing happened suddenly, there were always cues and clues that brought us to that moment.
Why does that matter? Because when we connect those dots from the past, we can make far more intentional decisions for the future. Plus, we gain some clarity around what truly makes us happy and satisfied so we can set our sight on something that makes sense.
On my annual New Year’s Day hike this year with a group of fabulous women, one of them asked me about my work. I told her this:
It’s amazing, really. I use the StrengthsFinder assessment in my coaching for individuals and teams, and I’m about to start a three-session program with a small group. Last week I reviewed each of their strengths – remember, I’ve never met these people and have had only limited conversations with them! – and went to a local store to pick a special gift for each of them, based on their assessment results.
I do this regularly for my clients because I love to know just enough about people to be able to pick a perfect gift for them. This is my way of making sure they know I SEE them, I GET them, and I value their natural talents.
It’s like magic, Wendy. When I truly see my clients, I can immediately acknowledge what they’re really good at, what makes them special, and I can see what their blind spots are likely to be.
She was grinning as I spoke, nodding her head as she listened, because she loves her job, too, and she understood and could relate to the joy I was expressing.
I said: “It took me nearly 50 years to find my sweet spot, to truly use my talents in this way.”
On my walk on the mountain with my dog today, January 2nd, I couldn’t help but think about the strange phenomenon of denial, that we can fool ourselves into optimism that things will change overnight each year.
It’s not a bad thing to be optimistic like that unless we become filled with disappointment when we wake up to the same situation we fell asleep with.
This holiday doesn't have special meaning to me, usually just an excuse to have a party, prepare and eat splurge foods, and for the past couple of years, perform at a fun venue in fancy dress.
Nothing actually changes between December 31st and January 1st, it's an arbitrary boundary to make sense of our days, to create a linear, organized way of acknowledging the passing of time.
If you're expecting to wake up tomorrow with an entirely different news feed, you're going to be seriously disappointed.
My plan, in case you want to know, is to keep taking things one day at a time, to mostly ignore the news because nothing said there is going to change my behavior in any way, and continue to make an effort every day to live in alignment with who I believe I can be.
I'll fail sometimes. The judge-y internal voice will pop up and I'll have to address it. I'll step in it with people I love and respect because of obliviousness and self-absorption, and I'll eat potato chips when I know a better option is out there.
Every day is an opportunity to do it right. To apologize, to take correction with grace and curiosity, to learn, and to make plans for travel and adventure, knowing nothing is certain and that those plans are likely to be adjusted.
I’ll continue to let go of unhealthy relationships that don’t inspire and encourage me, and will continue to fill my life with people who, when I tell them I have a crazy idea, say: “Awesome, Sarah, what can I do to help?”
I wish you a happy new year every single day, because every day you have choices to make that will impact the next... and the next... and the next. Don't wait for a special occasion.
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About Sarah:
Audiobook now available!
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
Click here to buy the book!
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.