410 Holding Space For Grief
What can one say when faced with tragedy? Do you reach for a simple “I’m sorry” to let another know you sympathize with their pain? Do you offer an anecdote to show you empathize with what they are going through? Regardless, it is important that whatever you do you also hold space for your grief as well as those who need to know they are not alone in their grief.
410 Holding Space For Grief
What can one say when faced with tragedy? Do you reach for a simple “I’m sorry” to let another know you sympathize with their pain? Do you offer an anecdote to show you empathize with what they are going through? Regardless, it is important that whatever you do you also hold space for your grief as well as those who need to know they are not alone in their grief.
Highlights
The importance of holding space for grief in the face of tragedy.
Using healthy coping mechanisms to combat pain.
You can sit in your grief and melancholy, just remember you must continue to move on.
Quotes
“I can’t fathom how this is okay in the year 2025. Why haven’t we evolved further than to allow the murder of innocents?”
“It brought me a sense of peace and comfort, knowing we are resilient people. That we will come through this. That we will find love and community as we make the efforts to do so.”
Dear Listeners it is now your turn,
Find a place outside where you can stand on grass or dirt in bare feet, even if it’s cold, and sense the awe around you. Whatever the weather, we’re alive. Whatever the actions taken by others, we’re alive, to keep the legacy of our loved ones alive in our hearts. And to play a small role in changing this dynamic of hate, loneliness, and disconnect.
And, as always, thank you for listening.
Mentioned in this episode
About Sarah
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
Be sure to check out the Storytelling For Professionals Course as well to make sure you nail that next interview!
323 Authentic Connections
Authentic connections can be difficult to find, whether it be from not being taught the skills to form these connections or simply losing touch with former acquaintances, it can be difficult but not impossible and with the proper tools and a heartfelt message, authentic connections can be found anywhere.
In today’s episode Sarah Elkins and Amy Daughters discuss the importance of authentic connections and how having meaningful conversations with individuals can lead to long term relationships.
323 Authentic Connections
Authentic connections can be difficult to find, whether it be from not being taught the skills to form these connections or simply losing touch with former acquaintances, it can be difficult but not impossible and with the proper tools and a heartfelt message, authentic connections can be found anywhere.
In today’s episode Sarah Elkins and Amy Daughters discuss the importance of authentic connections and how having meaningful conversations with individuals can lead to long term relationships.
Highlights
You’ll never know how profound a connection can be unless you reach out.
It only takes a thoughtful act to change not just the person receiving, but the person giving.
In the age of social media it’s more important than ever to treat people like individuals with their own stories and burdens they carry.
Act with love in your heart, and encourage others to do the same.
Quotes
“It’s generally accepted that if you write me and tell me that you care about me and value me, that I’m the one that walks away the person most changed. But the reality, and I learned this 580 times, You’re the person who’s the most changed. The person who is releasing that thank you, that congratulations. Because I went from saying “What am I going to even say in these letters?” to once I looked at their profile and once I realized who they were to me, all of a sudden I had so much stuff to say; Thank you, I’m sorry, Congratulations, I support you. And I started to see all these things that were going on in people’s lives that I couldn’t see in the news feed that I had to treat people one person at a time.”
“The handwriting is somebody’s personality but it’s also the physical manifestation of how somebody feels about you and how it made you feel.”
“I think what we try do is we try to put everyone else in our own little box, you know whatever it is that you feel like you’re inspired to do. I was inspired to do that, but everyone is inspired to do something, they have a moment in their heart where they’re like, “Oh that’s what I want to do.” We got to encourage each other to do that.”
Dear Listeners it is now your turn,
Remember that title; Your Stories Don’t Define You But How You Tell Them Will. What are the stories that people can tell about you based on what you take from this conversation? Think about the stories people are telling about Dana and Parker, and about Amy, that they’ll never know and yet continue to create this ripple effect of connecting beyond the keyboard. Connecting authentically in a way that makes people feel seen and heard. What will you do? What is your next step?
And, as always, thank you for listening.
About Amy
Amy Weinland Daughters, Award-Winning Author and Keynote Speaker, believes in a world where what makes us different is the very thing that connects us, instead of separates us. She brings that world to life by helping people reconnect to each other through the power of hand-written letters. She brings her wit, humor, and having written 580 handwritten letters to every single one of her Facebook friends, to show you how you can find deep connections in some of the most unexpected places.
Be sure to check out Amy’s LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram!
About Sarah
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
Be sure to check out the Storytelling For Professionals Course as well to make sure you nail that next interview!
A Letter to Students, Fall 2020
You Will Make Your Own Stories
You keep hearing the word unprecedented, right?
Mt. Helena, Helena, Montana 2020
For some reason, it seems to be coming with negative connotations.
What if, instead of thinking
2020 happened to me
you decide
2020 happened for me.
This is your time, friends.
Unprecedented doesn’t mean bad. It means unique.
It means no one has faced what we are facing right now, in the way that we are facing it.
What does this mean for you?
It means you get to create this year of school, whether it’s your freshman year or senior year of high school or college, or any other year in your education.
Your parents are grieving what they see as your loss, all the wonderful things they experienced as seniors.(Many of them won’t tell you that prom sucked, that graduation was boring and they slept through it, or that while there were fond memories of high school, the far more meaningful memories and stories came after those years.)
They are grieving things that haven’t happened yet. They are projecting their grief onto you.
It’s understandable because, as parents, it’s all we know. We don’t want to see you miss out on anything!
But what if we reframe this entire discussion to determine what CAN happen instead of focusing on what won’t happen.
What does that mean?
It means that you have a choice and an opportunity to create new traditions, new ways of doing things, new ways of addressing the issues our communities are currently facing.
You will not follow a traditional path. You already knew that. You’ve seen data coming from our economic and business experts, you know we’re facing a bigger and bigger gig economy, fewer traditional university and college education paths, and a majority of future jobs that we cannot even begin to imagine – all within the next 5 to 10 years.
So why not start RIGHT NOW with a non-traditional path?
Imagine yourself standing at the doorway of an institution, a school, your home, work. Imagine you are looking out at an open field with a few well-worn paths; the majority of what’s in front of you is wide open. (There’s a reason they call Montana Big Sky Country.)
You see a stunning, snow-capped mountain in the distance. You are tempted to step out of that institution, knowing going back means standing still while the world around you changes. You look out at the meadow full of giant boulders, yellow, red, and blue wildflowers, tall grasses, and very few footprints. You know there’s adventure ahead, and it makes your heart pound. You begin to smile, the corners of your mouth moving up, your eyes crinkling at the edges. There is company to be found in the wild, and you see someone in the distance that is taking an interesting journey ahead of you. You decide to head in that direction. You’re not committing to anything but leaving the institution, which you’re prepared to do.
Take the step. You have a role in your future, in the future of your community.
Our global communities are changing dramatically, and you are on the edge of that change. It’s not easy, and it feels like a huge responsibility.
You are up to it, friends.
You were born in a time of revolution in many ways, and your growing up environment prepared you for this moment. Truly.
You were raised with digital devices in your hands and learned quickly how they can get ugly. You watched your older siblings and parents become addicted to their phones, distracted from you, and many of you made the choice NOT to follow that path.
You cut your teeth on video games that actually created neural pathways to improve your hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills. Your schooling stayed traditional while you learned on your own how to connect with people all over the world, build communities around pictures, hobbies, and silly video production.
You can handle this. You WILL handle this with grace and innovation.
Stop grieving a future that never existed.
You were born for this time. Make it count.
If you are feeling like you’re standing at that doorway, but aren’t sure where to begin, send me a message. I’m offering a handful of Introduction to Strengths workshops for students. This might just be the tool you need to develop some clarity about what you do instinctively, intuitively well, and start being intentional about using those natural talents in your future.
Sarah Elkins loves to guide individuals and teams to improve communication, using storytelling as the foundation of her work. She is a Gallup certified Strengths coach and uses that tool to coach her clients to improve their communication in all relationships, and to find more satisfaction at work and at home.
Her book, Your Stories Don't Define You, How You Tell Them Will is available on bookshop.org (supporting independent booksellers), and on Amazon. The audiobook will be available in fall 2020.
Episode 61: Grief Isn't the End, It Can Be a Beginning
Shortly after the loss of her son, she went right back to work as a news anchor, a very public life. But shortly after her return, she realized her heart just wasn’t in it anymore. She felt as if she had just been going through the motions, mostly because that was what was expected of her.
Stories of Transition and Growth
Sherrie Dunlevy has had her share of tragedy and grief. Shortly after the loss of her son, she went right back to work as a news anchor, a very public life. But shortly after her return, she realized her heart just wasn’t in it anymore. She felt as if she had just been going through the motions, mostly because that was what was expected of her.
Sherrie wasn’t sure what to do next, broadcast journalism is what she knew, what she was good at, and what people knew her for; it was a huge part of her identity. And though that had shifted to “the woman who lost her son,” she felt like there was something missing in her career.
As she processed her grief, one thing became very clear: People around her didn’t know what to say or what to do to support her. She looked for books to help her not only process what had happened, but to help her friends in their attempts to support her through her loss. She never found a book that fully satisfied what she thought was a big gap in education. Nothing she could find was really relevant to the need she saw in her friends and family.
Sherrie believes that when something keeps coming back up in your life, you were meant to do something with it, whether for yourself, or as a gift to your community. It took her years, and many cues that she MUST write the book she imagined, but she eventually wrote it… and it sat on her shelf for another year before she received another cue from the Universe that it was time to share it.
What cues have you received many times before you finally acted on whatever those cues were trying to tell you? Why did you wait? Do you think waiting made the cues stronger, and that waiting was part of the journey to fulfilling whatever promise the Universe was sending you?
Sherrie and I would love to hear your thoughts, please comment and tell us your story!
A popular media figure for over 30 years. Sherrie Dunlevy hosted her own radio talk show and was a TV news Anchor. Now she has reinvented her life after age 50 as an author, speaker and business owner.
Her book, “How Can I Help- Your Go-to Guide for Helping Loved Ones through Life’s Difficulties,” was written following the death of her son and consequential loss of a few close friends, to help people become their best by reaching out beyond their fears and helping those they love and care about in life.
It has been named as one of the “Top Self Help Books for Men” by Fupping.com and UpJourney.com.
Are you enjoying listening to episodes of this podcast? Are you wondering how you can help me sustain this project, to support and encourage the sharing of important stories?
Here are a few ideas!
1) Leave a rating and comment on your favorite podcast service like iTunes or Stitcher
2) Share a link to the show and tell people why you like it
3) Become a sponsor (for as little as $2/month) by going to Patreon
Where is Your Tribe?
They created and nurtured a tribe like few get to experience.
Tragedy hits; who do you reach out to? Who will reach out to you? You might be surprised.
Our dear friends lost their son in a car accident and our community is mourning the loss of this beautiful soul. Their lives, and the lives of so many this young man's energy and love impacted, are forever changed. But that's not the point of this story, because his family and those closest to him will tell it themselves.
It's Their Story
People who have experienced tragedy will tell you that those who they believed would be there for them often disappear, while people they weren't particularly close to were the ones who showed up.
There are many reasons for this, and I've written a lot about that theme over the years. But the biggest reason I can share is that people are uncomfortable with grief. That discomfort comes from knowing how unpredictable life can be - that it could be them, and it comes from not knowing what to say or do, and not being able to make things better.
But those who show up make the difference. Though it's disappointing when those you thought would be there aren't, the extraordinary beauty of those who DO show up shines a light like nothing else can.
The only light I've been able to see, the only comfort I've been able to find as my friends absorb this new reality is that they are surrounded by the love and light of their community.
Over the years I've known them, they've shared themselves, their love, creativity, and vibrant appreciation for life with everyone they come in contact with, anywhere. My friends transformed friends into family at every opportunity by nourishing people at their dining room tables, through their art, and over miles and miles of outdoor adventures. They created their tribe for just this moment, this time when they need them.
This tribe will not disappear at the scent, sound, and thick fog of grief. This tribe will show up, at all hours, at any moment and in any location to be there for our friends. We will grieve together, and know when and how to leave room for the grief of the parents and sibling, which is unlike any other grief.
This tribe will never - ever - utter the words: "I know how you feel." Because they know, without a doubt, that they can't know.
It Could Be Your Story
Do you have a tribe? Have you cultivated with generosity, kindness, and love a community you know will show up when you need them?
Just like a business network, if you wait until you need them when you are unemployed or underemployed, you will be lost for much, much longer than you would have been had you maintained and nurtured those connections.
We may feel very connected to those we know online, but if we're not spending time in real life with real people, we're not building the kind of tribe I'm talking about here.
Build your tribe before you need them. Reach out to those you feel connected to and nurture those relationships. Spend time face-to-face, schedule dates of walks, lunches, and silliness.
Make time now, because you may not have tomorrow.
*This post is dedicated to the memory of the sparkly, deeply intelligent, beautifully loving man lost on December 13, 2017, Kyle Boundy, and to his family and friends who will be forever changed for having experienced his love.*
Mid-Life Crisis? Dazed & Confused? You're Not Alone.
Are you going through a time of uncertainty? Are you feeling off-balance and lost? No one can solve your problems for you, but reaching out to encouraging, supportive, engaged friends will definitely help.
I recently read a sad article about a ridiculous number of women my age who are going through a sort of mid-life crisis. The part that caught my attention first was this:
"Hey," I said, happy to have caught her on a break from her job, "do you know anyone having a midlife crisis I could talk to?"
The phone was silent for a second.
Finally, she said, "I'm trying to think of any woman I know who's not."
When I read that exchange, I realized that women in my age range are having very similar experiences to current young adults just leaving high school and college.
Our world is so different from what I experienced as I left high school. Career paths were pretty traditional then, though there were some who took different journeys. Most of my friends didn’t think about the next step after high school because the next step was college; most of us never thought about NOT going on for a four year degree. I was surrounded by my middle class friends in suburban Colorado neighborhoods, but even my friends outside of that community knew the traditional path and generally followed it.
Those traditional paths still exist, but they’re an awful lot like where Kodak was about 30 years ago; they’re not real anymore.
Some people are seeing this as an exciting opportunity, a chance to do whatever seems right at any given moment. Others are experiencing a kind of agoraphobia, a sense of overwhelming loss and confusion. For them, it’s like being really hungry and going to a restaurant with too many menu options. They get so overwhelmed that they can’t make a decision and walk away starving.
Women who are going through this crisis are facing similarly overwhelming options, but instead of seeing this time as full of opportunity, they’re seeing it as failure, or worse, their lives completely shattered.
I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone likes to be in that “in-between” space, where I live most of the time. People who fit the equation comfort = happiness are overwhelmed by this time in their lives, while others who have consistently shifted gears to find the next adventure see this time as exciting and full of opportunity.
It’s hard to know what to do to help friends going through this phase of self-discovery and change; after all, their world is unbalanced and full of uncertainty. I’ve written about strategies for helping a person who is grieving, and they apply here, too. Remember that your friends are grieving. They’re grieving the loss of what they thought they wanted in life, the loss of their certainty, and potentially the loss of the foundation of their marriage and parents as their health deteriorates.
A good coach can help define the questions that need to be addressed, and will help clarify what the answers mean in terms of action steps and opportunities. Coaching is well worth the investment, and in combination with a counselor, can turn things around significantly. Not every counselor or coach is the same, so if you find one you don’t work well with, keep looking. Don’t stick with one you don’t feel excited to share with, but don’t give up on coaching or counseling if you have one negative or ineffective experience!
Listening is a huge part of allowing a person to grieve. If you are a good listener, that may be your primary role in helping your friends.
Being a positive force of encouragement and support is absolutely the best thing you can do for people. Make sure you have a small group that meets regularly to talk about the challenges and questions you’re all facing. More importantly, make sure the energy in that group remains positive. Each person in your group must have the ability and comfort level to intervene when a meeting turns into a rant session. A complaint-filled hour will only drag you down; when anyone in the group senses that things are going south in a conversation, they must know how to carefully switch gears and talk about actions people can take to move forward.
Are you going through a time of uncertainty? Are you feeling off-balance and lost? No one can solve your problems for you, but reaching out to encouraging, supportive, engaged friends will definitely help. I have what I call my N.A.G. group, Nudge – Advise – Guide, and we meet once each month to help us stay accountable to ourselves with our goals, to encourage and advise us when we have crazy ideas, and to guide us to make the best choices.
“If you regret any part of your past, think about your future, and make changes and efforts now, so you don’t look back again with regret.”
How you perceive this time in your life is YOUR CHOICE. You can wallow in sadness over the loss of what you thought you had, what you thought you wanted, or you can step up and live out the dreams you’ve dismissed while you were developing yourself to be who you are right now.
Dream big, take action, and be a good N.A.G. for others.
It's Part of the Adventure
Find the value in your obstacles and challenges, find little bits of joy and peace along the way, and remember that though you're on your own journey, others can provide good company.
Stranded in the Philadelphia Airport
I'm sorry, it's highly unlikely you'll get home to Montana today. All of your flights were canceled because of the snow storm.
I burst into tears. Highly unusual for me to cry at all, much less in public. And there I was, uncontrollable sobs escaping my lips.
No, I'm sorry for falling apart like this. I buried my father two days ago and just want to be home with my family. I know it's not your fault. What should I do? Do you have any ideas for me?
She suggested I get through security, and then walk from counter to counter to try to get on a flight -- any flight -- out of Philadelphia before the next storm hit, predicted in the next 12 hours.
I did what she suggested; for the next two hours I wandered through the airport, adding my name to the standby list on almost every flight heading west. She was right. I was not getting home to Montana that day.
After receiving an incredible gift from a stranger, I wiped my eyes, blew my nose, and started to make arrangements for the night and, hopefully, for getting home the next day. My husband did some research and found a deal on a beautiful downtown hotel room, making sure I'd have an easy way to get back to the airport early the next morning. I sent a message to my brother and sister, to let them know my situation, and to find out whether they were stranded, too. They weren't.
My sister called a friend who lived in the area to let him know I was there; he sent me a text: "Where should I pick you up so I can take you to dinner?"
My hero of the day took me to a dark, quiet Italian restaurant across the street from my hotel, and afterward we walked together through the oldest part of the city. When we returned to the hotel, he made sure I was set up with a ride to the airport the next morning, and then hugged me fiercely. "You've been through a lot, Sarah. Be gentle with yourself."
Sitting by the window on the 18th floor of the hotel, I looked out at the lights, thought of my father and enjoyed the quiet, peaceful night.
It took me a few minutes to realize how quiet it was in the room, and how much peace I found in those moments.
If I had made my flights, I'd be home by now, which would be nice. But if I was home at that moment, I wouldn't have had the quiet time to myself. If I was home at that moment, I wouldn't have had the opportunity for introspection and deep breathing. If I was home at that moment, I would have missed out on this amazing view, and time to put all of the events of the past year into some form that I could put into perspective and learn from before going back to my hectic life of work, home, and kids.
I've always been a pretty flexible traveler, taking obstacles and challenges in stride; this experience confirmed my belief that those delays and obstacles can be a great and important part of the adventure.
When you're traveling this season, and your plans get derailed and re-railed, and derailed again, remember this:
One way or another, you'll make it to your destination.
Find the value in your obstacles and challenges, find little bits of joy and peace along the way, and remember that though you're on your own journey, others can provide good company.
Be kind to yourself; be kind to others.