Think about that title for a second. Your Stories Don’t Define You. Those things that happen in your life are not what define you, create your identity, and shape your relationships. It’s how you talk about those things that matters.
When you tell people about the experiences in your life, you shape those experiences for yourself through subconscious internal messages. According to researchers at Eastern Washington University, the stories told about you, in front of you, begin to shape your identity before you have words. And the stories you tell about yourself, your personal narrative, are what build on that identity.
So how do we apply that knowledge as adults to improve our lives and relationships?
We pay attention to the stories we’re sharing. And we look back at the incidents and situations that shaped those stories.
My book, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will, is based on what I’ve learned by hosting more than 100 episodes of this podcast.
Most people cannot easily tell a story about pivotal moments that shaped who they are and how they think. The book is designed to help readers uncover those stories, find the meaning in them, and share them with the right audience at the right time, in order to strengthen relationships, address damaging internal messages, and inspire others through their personal stories.
The ebook is available for preorder online for $0.99 on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble from now until May 31. I encourage you to purchase the ebook to get started, and then order the paperback from your local bookstore, or visit bookshop.org to support independent booksellers.
I finished writing this book in November 2019, just a few months prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, with absolutely no idea how 2020 would transform our global community. In a very short period of time, thousands lost their lives, millions lost their jobs and businesses, families were pulled apart and quarantined together, and the global economy realized how tightly connected we really are. As communities, we saw healthcare workers sainted, bullied, and celebrated when entire cities howled like wolves during shift changes to recognize them for the risks they were taking to care for our sick.
Meanwhile, many of us hunkered down to shelter-in-place, faced with daily uncertainty of our health, our jobs, school closures, and being barraged with moment-by-moment shifts in the news about the short and long-term impacts of this pandemic.
People have found ways to cope, of course, and there have been beautiful stories of families reconnecting and spending quality time together making meals, taking walks, and reading together.
“There is no doubt the learning, the richness and the expansion that comes from our stories is the place where Sarah Elkins’s legacy lives. By reading this book and taking hold of its principles, you become a part of that legacy, too. Use that power well.”
For me, a huge 50th birthday celebration was planned for April 18, 2020, complete with friends and family coming to Montana from all over the country. It didn’t happen, of course. What happened instead was a gorgeous hike with a friend – with appropriate social distancing, a virtual wine tasting, a brief paddle around in a nearby lake with a new kayak, a surprise Zoom birthday toast with friends and family from all over the world, some heartfelt, amazing video birthday messages, and a Facebook Live performance of a few songs by me and my husband, Bob.
When I had time to think about the events of the weekend, I found them truly inspiring. And while I was disappointed not to celebrate the way I intended, the stories we created together for this big birthday were probably more significant, more life-altering than if things had gone the way we planned. Instead of focusing on the disappointment, I lived each experience in the reality of the moment.
That’s what the book is about, finding out that the stories of the things that happen in our lives are significant, far more than the things that didn’t happen in our lives.
Some have called this time The Great Pause. One friend described his bike ride in a city north of London: “I could have ridden on either side of the street, it was so deserted. And the air. The air was crisp and fresh, I’ve never smelled it like this here.”
I have great empathy for the students and young adults whose lives were so disrupted in their final year of school, I cannot imagine the depth of disappointment in missing the major experiences they were expecting to have: Prom, graduation, parties, goodbyes, all of those “this is the last time…” moments. Those disappointments feel so big right now, and I can tell you they will pale in comparison to the adventures that await you.
Please take time now to begin collecting stories of this experience, to remember the details of incidents and situations that you can look back at, to see how pivotal they were in how you see yourself and how you see your future. Consider the tragic loss of life, and the courageous acts of our healthcare and service workers, and also the smaller acts that made a difference, like the many who took up the call to sew masks for themselves and others and neighbors delivering food to each other. Reflect on your stories of this time in the context of the stories of the people around you.
You’ve heard people ask each other: “Where were you on 9/11?” “Do you remember what you were doing when you heard the news about…?”
In the future, people will ask you those questions about your time during the COVID-19 pandemic. I hope as you think about your experiences during this time, that you begin to collect details of some specific moments, conversations, walks, time you spent with your kids, your partner, your fur babies, in the kitchen, or on video calls. Take time periodically to jot down notes, the way you’re feeling, your thoughts, and how you spend your precious days.
“People have lived through historically significant events and forces, like WW2 & the Great Depression, the 1918 flu epidemic, etc., and I find great comfort in this knowledge and understanding.” Martha Kohl
The Montana Historical Society has been collecting the stories of individual Montanans for decades, including letters written by and to individuals across the state from the time settlers began making their lives here. These letters, archived for future generations to read and learn from have offered a unique perspective for students, giving important context to the history they’re learning and reading about in school.
When our younger son was a freshman in high school, his drama class performed letters from that collection, written by and for Montanans from our territorial days up to around the time of the Gulf War. It was an incredible opportunity for them and for the audience, especially the Q&A session with the students following the performance. Many of them mentioned how much more meaningful the study of history was when they could touch and feel real people’s experiences like that. Martha, the program coordinator for that class, said: “They recognized themselves as actors in history, and that their behavior and choices matter.”
The Historical Society has shifted this brilliant collection to address our current situation by creating a survey asking people about their experiences in the time of this pandemic. The agency will archive the stories of everyday citizens, offering an extraordinary glimpse into the past for future generations, giving context to the world news and making it more relevant with specific stories and incidents.
This is the time, my friends, to consider the stories you will share in the future, because YOUR stories, the ones you make right now, are what will give our collective future meaning, and will give context to the suffering, joy, and transformation we will see as a result of those experiences.
Do not waste this opportunity. Because it’s not what happens to you that shapes your identity and your relationships. It’s how you talk about it.
The book is available for preorder NOW. on Amazon or Barnes & Noble. The ebook will be just $.99 until the book’s launch on May 31st. A portion of each book preordered will be donated to the Prickly Pear Land Trust, a Helena, Montana-based non-profit devoted to preserving open land and recreation opportunities for everyone. Why PPLT? Because the open lands in my neighborhood have provided endless inspiration for me and my writing, and I am so grateful, especially now, for the people who continue to create a collaborative structure to preserve those spaces.
Please visit Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, to preorder the book before May 31st, or visit bookshop.org to purchase the book after May 31st.