Know Your Deal-breakers

A Laundry List of “Wants” Leads to Arbitrary Boundaries and Limits Opportunities

My friend was telling me what she wanted in her next partner. The recent break-up wasn’t too ugly, but she didn’t want to make the same mistakes again.

My next guy will be taller, no facial hair, and will have a good job he’s satisfied with. He’ll know how to cook, and how to do his own laundry. He’ll know…

Her situation seemed very sad to me. From what she was describing, neither of them had shared their thoughts with the other, in terms of what they like and dislike, need and want. Neither had given the other an opportunity to change, if the relationship was worth it.

I listened to her story for a while, but I couldn’t understand why she would come up with a list of things she wanted in a partner, didn’t that just limit her opportunities?

“When Bob and I were first dating, we were driving to my aunt’s place about 2.5 hours north of where we lived. We had waited until later in the evening to avoid rush hour traffic, and my aunt had told me she would have some food ready for us when we got there. I was hungry, though, having had only a small lunch at work that day, so I said to Bob:

I’m hungry.

And he answered:

Me too.

And then we passed at least two exits with signs indicating there were restaurants nearby.

I said it again a little while later, and he passed an exit with a sign again.

I was pretty hangry at that point, frustrated at his lack of consideration for me. How could he not know I was hungry? I told him, didn’t I? And then the light bulb went on in my head. I told him I was hungry, but I didn’t tell him specifically to stop. Could I expect him to read my mind? Was that fair, given our completely different thought processes? (Which is one thing I loved about him.)

As I saw another sign indicating food nearby, I said:

Hey — there’s a McDonald’s at the next exit. Would you please stop so I can grab a small snack?

He pulled off the highway at the exit, and bought me a burger.

Ah ha! All I had to do was use my words. I’m still learning this lesson, more than 20 years later. Sometimes you have to be really specific about what you want; even after many years together, we still have to use our words.

Use your words.

When I finished my story, my friend sat back with an amused look on her face.

So what you’re saying is that I need to tell the guy I’m dating when something he’s doing is bothering me, or if I want something from him.

That’s right. Even if you think you’re being obvious, he can’t read your mind. Be careful with that, though. If what he’s doing is annoying, don’t nag; tell him, and if it doesn’t change, decide if it’s a deal-breaker. After more than 20 years together, that’s something I consider a lot before I bring up that kind of conversation.

I suggested that she think about writing a list of deal breakers for her next relationship, instead of a list of things she wants in a partner. It makes more sense to consider what you’ve learned from past experiences, and know for sure what you DON’T want.

Every job I have, every relationship, and every situation that doesn’t end the way I had intended, I learn from. It‘s a more open approach to consider what I don’t want next, because, really, I have no idea what else is out there for me. If I have a laundry list of things I want in my next adventure, I might miss some amazing opportunity because my focus is on something so specific.

5 Reasons to Attend No Longer Virtual

I've been avoiding the listicle for years now; it seems putting a number in the title almost guarantees people will click on it. I find that kind of sad, but if that's what it takes to help people avoid missing a great opportunity, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.

We're working hard on the agenda to make sure NLV2018 is as inspiring, motivating, and engaging as #NLV2017 was. Sign up for updates so you don't miss early registration, opening in October!

5) Hotel Indigo, Downtown Denver

This city is a great place to explore, even in February. The location of the hotel makes it easy to get around without having to rent a car. It's a 40 minute train ride directly from the airport to Union Station, across the street from the hotel, and adjacent to the 16th Street Mall, which is chock full of great restaurants, shopping, galleries, and microbreweries. Hotel Indigo opened its doors in January this year, and is sure to be an outstanding, un-boxed, non-traditional conference host. Make it a longer trip and visit the area's world class ski resorts!

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Dustin McKissen & John White enjoy an NLV2017 session

4) Entrepreneurial Development

Sessions include hard and soft skills, facilitated by people who really get it. If you want to be successful, you need to learn, practice, and maintain your people skills and your ability to leverage online relationships in your offline life. Even those with the best skills can use some reminders and time to practice truly connecting with an audience, whether that's a potential client, a current client, an employee, or members of your community.

3) No Keynotes, No Awkward "Networking", No Over-filled Conference Rooms

Why no keynotes? Because everyone in the room has something to contribute to every topic. Sessions are designed for interaction, to leverage the experience and insights in the room. No Longer Virtual uses the side-conversations and after-hours connections and makes them the foundation of the experience. With a registration limit of 50 participants, you can expect real value in content and interaction. As a good friend wisely noted, there's a difference between networking and building a network.

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There's nothing like a Heather Younger smile!

2) Face-to-Face Meeting with Your Favorite LinkedIn Connections

This is your opportunity to meet some of your favorite LinkedIn connections face-to-face. There is no better way to truly explore where a relationship can take you and your business than to meet face-to-face. Articles have been written about the first #NLV, and the incredible experiences resulting from meeting face-to-face, find links below.

The number 1 reason to attend #NLVDenver, #NLV2018...

1) Surrounded by Curious, Perceptive, Honest, Generous, Intelligent People

How often do you surround yourself with people who genuinely care about each other and their success? The people participating in NLV aren't there to sell you anything; they're part of something much bigger than themselves, and they embrace it. This will be one of the most inspiring events you've ever experienced, not because of the outstanding content being delivered, but because of the people in the room.

Read some of the articles written by participants:

• Would You Travel 2461.9 Miles to Connect with Your LinkedIn Network? Amy Blaschka
• I came for content. I left with a tribe. Zach Messler
• Lessons from No Longer Virtual. Your Chance in 2018. Christian Farber
• And a Voice to Speak With, The Circle of Humanity Thomas Jackson

Don't believe me? Ask them in the comments below.

Join us at No Longer Virtual in Denver on February 22 and 23, 2018. Sign up to receive periodic updates, including early registration opening date... don't miss this opportunity!

Follow me on Twitter, @sarahelkins, and watch for the hashtags #NLV2018, #NLVDenver, and #NoLongerVirtual

Be a sponsor for No Longer Virtual 2018, contact me for details!

So THAT's What Mindfulness Feels Like

I stood at the edge of the trail, my face in the sun and my eyes closed behind my sunglasses.

My phone buzzed. A new text. I reached into my pocket and was about to pull the phone out, when I stopped myself. It can wait.

I turned my face back into the sun, feeling the warmth on the exposed part of my chest above my t-shirt, and the cool breeze chilling my calves below my running pants.

My phone buzzed again. Another text. I reached into my pocket and was about to pull the phone out, when I stopped myself again. It can wait.

Once more, I turned my head up toward the sun, but this time kept my eyes open, looking closely at the pine needles on the tree a few feet above my head. They were shimmering and gently moving in the breeze. I could hear the wind gusts traveling up the side of the mountain through the trees, a wave of sound getting louder as it moved closer to me at a crest on the hill.

Summit, Mt Helena City Park, Helena, Montana

I lost myself, just briefly, in the sounds around me. Taking my time, I inventoried my surroundings and my body’s response to the sun and the wind. I noticed the goosebumps on my legs, but didn’t feel cold. I noticed the warm sensation from the sun on my skin, in direct contrast with the goosebumps created by the cool breeze. The wind seemed to stop. Everything around me was suddenly in hyper focus, silent, like a bubble of peace and comfort surrounding me. I was aware of everything but myself in that moment. My hamster mind was silent.

When my father was dying, one word brought him great comfort.

The phrase refers to being present. It appears when G-d is talking to Moses and asks where he is. Of course he knows where Moses is, right? So Moses responds with “he-nay-nee”, or “Here I am.” He’s letting G-d know that he’s all-in, that he is present, aware, and ready to listen and learn.

When I visited my father a few days before he died, he would mumble the word over and over again, reminding himself not to be concerned with the past or the future, and to just be in this “in-between” space, with grace and mindfulness.

It wasn’t surprising that as I stood on the mountain in my bubble of silence, that word would resonate in my head. I said it out loud. I felt it. I believed it. Here I am.

He-Nay-Nee. Here I Am.

I’ve never considered myself a religious person, though we celebrate the Jewish holidays and find great value in the rituals; I’ve always felt a strong connection to nature, the people around me, and a kind of universal energy. I think that’s why I was so open in that moment, it was like a message, and I heard it so clearly.

As I jogged back down the mountain, thighs burning from the descent, I kept repeating the word. Every rock, every tree root, every turn in the path lit up in front of me as I ran, fully present, on that beautiful spring day.

When I stepped into my yard, breathing hard and smiling with satisfaction, I thought:

So THAT’s what mindfulness feels like.

Join me at No Longer Virtual in Denver on February 22 and 23, 2018. Sign up to receive periodic updates, including early registration opening date… don’t miss this opportunity!

Follow me on Twitter, @sarahelkins, and watch for the hashtags #NLV2018, #NLVDenver, and #NoLongerVirtual

There are sponsorship opportunities for No Longer Virtual 2018, contact me for details.

Storytelling: It's All the Rage

Why Using "Buzzwords" Bugs Me

I like to think I was one of the first to use it in my title. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't; we all know storytelling has been around since, well, the beginning of human existence. For thousands of years, stories were how history, culture, and relationships have been shared and carried forward. They continue to serve multiple purposes, including teaching basic concepts, morality, ethics, religion, and more.

Prior to the age of general literacy, storytelling was the only way to share your community and family history. Stories passed down from generation to generation are what connect us, not only to our family and personal identity, but to the rest of the global community.

Given our human nature to share stories, it’s a bit surprising that suddenly, over the past 2+ years, storytelling has become a big buzzword. Storytelling for content marketing, storytelling for sales, storytelling for company culture, storytelling for interviews & résumés... as if there's some magical component of business and life that was recently discovered and will change everything!

Why does this bother me so much?

Maybe it’s because of my discovery a few years ago of my skill in helping people and organizations better understand and share their stories, both as a tool for general communication, and as a way to improve personal outcomes. There aren’t a lot of really skilled storytellers, and there are even fewer good teachers of storytelling.

Maybe the buzzword status of storytelling bothers me because, by making it its very own thing, we take the word out of the context of every other component of communication. Like the word engagement. Suddenly, over the past few years, engagement is a word that gets tossed around every industry: Education, manufacturing, travel, public sector agencies. As if, by using the word engagement, we can change the culture and dynamic of an environment without putting it into the context of profit, communication, management, leadership, marketing/sales, human resources, customer experience, etc.

All buzzwords do this, and it has always bugged me.

The same goes for storytelling. It doesn’t happen in a vacuum. To be a storyteller on any medium, you have to have a story to tell. As my friend Shlomi Ron, of Visual Storytelling Institute, says, you have to be a storyMAKER first. And then you must use the story in context, with an audience, in a way that moves people to do something or to feel something. That’s the beauty and complexity of communication; there are so many components, and storytelling is just one of them.

In business, telling your story has to fit into the culture and context of your organization. That means, prior to coming up with the language of your story, you need to do some digging. Remember the “why” behind your business; take into account your mission, vision, and overall goals. Think about the people involved, including employees, leadership, customers, and other stakeholders (the communities you impact), and figure out how your story will impact them.

And then consider which stories to tell, how to tell them them, and where they should be told.

Be intentional about your storytelling, make it real, not just another buzzword.

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Here's what Ben Walker at Transcription Outsourcing had to say about No Longer Virtual 2017:

...the NLV conference was full of a bunch of "givers" and no "takers". I'm pretty sure that's why we all loved it so much, no one had an agenda, and no one tried to sell me anything. That's the first time I've been to a conference like that since I started going to conferences 15 years ago. 

Save the Date: No Longer Virtual 2018 in Denver, February 22 and 23. Sign up to receive periodic updates, including early registration opening date... don't miss this opportunity!

There are great sponsorship opportunities for No Longer Virtual 2018, contact me for details.

Ready to work with me on your storytelling techniques? I'm taking on new coaching clients now! Get started with a three-session package.

It's the Journey

The inaugural No Longer Virtual was exactly what it was supposed to be.

I'm excited, but pretty stressed, Ginger. I know I'm on the right track, I can feel it in every breath I take. I'm just questioning whether the timing is right. This is a big financial and personal risk I'm taking, and I'm good with that, it's just stressful trying to get registrations and hotel reservations to where they need to be.

Sarah, NLV will be exactly what it is supposed to be. Trust yourself, trust your network.

I knew she was right; I knew I had done a lot of work to make this happen, and that there was little more I could do at that point to ensure the event's success. Still, my brain told me I could have worked harder, spent more time on it.

Self Doubt

It wasn't just about the risks I was taking, and that my family was experiencing through me; it was about making sure the participants and facilitators had opportunity for real value in their investment to be there. That's where I was feeling the pressure, it wasn't about our financial risk. I had a vision for truly connecting people, for bringing something unique and special into the lives of my guests.

Even after the conference had ended, and I felt the incredible energy in the room as people hugged goodbye, making plans for calls and future visits before leaving, I still wondered if the vision for the conference had been carried through to the participants.

Confirmation

Sometimes we're lucky, and we receive confirmation that what we're doing is good, right, and having a positive impact on others. I've been pretty lucky. Within 48 hours of the end of the conference, Thomas Jackson posted an article about the initial emotional response he had immediately following the event. He posted an article almost immediately after the final session, when the group brainstormed ideas for the next NLV.

This was a day no one wanted to end. There were suggestions of what worked and what didn't for certain people.

Two days later, Amy Blaschka shared her thoughts about the adventure, and the investment's value to her.

I knew she was on to something special; I could feel it in my bones. I needed to be there. In fact, I was so moved I wrote an article about it.

Six days after the start of the inaugural No Longer Virtual, Zach Messler posted an article about the value of those face-to-face interactions.

For months I've been writing about my concerns related to the disconnect among us. The biggest, most important goal for the conference was to help others realize the importance of face-to-face communication. It was about choosing to leverage our online relationships, our incredible opportunities through technology, to actually improve our face-to-face lives.

I wasn't completely convinced that this was what came out of the conference, until I read this from Zach's post:

But…here’s the thing…Even if you take advantage of all those communication channels, you still miss out on something much better…much deeper.

For lasting, meaningful personal connection, there is nothing like live and in person.

Lessons Learned, What's Next

Pages could be written about the lessons in this journey, and it's nowhere near its end. Here are the keys for me:

1. When you believe in something so deeply, and you build a network of people who believe in you, anything is possible.
2. When you choose to help others, and you work with intention and your whole heart, no matter what happens, you can be satisfied with that effort.
3. If you want to make an impact, and you want to find deep satisfaction in life, STAY CURIOUS.

It takes a long time to absorb something so deep, so life-changing, which is why I'll be taking my time to dig into my thoughts about the inaugural No Longer Virtual. In the meantime, I'll be planning the next one.

Are you ready to take this step, to realize the depth of your online relationships by meeting face-to-face?

Join us at No Longer Virtual in Denver on February 22 and 23, 2018. Sign up to receive periodic updates, including early registration opening date... don't miss this opportunity!

There are great sponsorship opportunities for No Longer Virtual 2018, contact me for details.

Journaling? Seems Like Work to Me.

Twice in two weeks, jumping out of my comfort zone.

Inspired by this article by Benjamin Hardy, I picked up the beautiful journal my friend gave me as a birthday gift years ago, and packed it for an overnight away with the family.

I'm always suggesting that people step out of their comfort zones, and I've had to practice what I preach a few times in recent weeks.

Never a joiner, it was out of character for me to become a member of our local Women's Leadership Network a few years ago. This was a different kind of organization; little obligation of time and money, and good benefits in available workshops and referrals; it was an easy baby step into joining something, and the financial investment didn't feel like a big commitment.

After the successful annual conference of this group, I was impressed with the positive and encouraging energy of the women on the board and the members. So when the incoming President asked if I would consider serving as her Vice President, I didn't immediately turn her down. I offered to think about it. When I brought it up with my husband, who usually knows just what to say, his response was: "Well, Sarah, you're always telling people to take the leap and get out of their comfort zone. This seems like a good opportunity for you to do that."

I did. I know, it's only two weeks into my tenure, but so far I couldn't be happier with my decision. And that's really saying something because, in general, I'm terrified of commitment. That's why I've never joined an organization or served on a board. This year will be full of activity with this board, and I'm committed to helping our organization serve the women in our community.

As I launched myself into 2017, I started to panic about the commitments I've already made in just the first few months. My anxiety would wake me from a deep sleep, perspiration soaking the sheets with revelations in dreams of spiders and filthy bathrooms. I realized I needed tools to deal with what I saw as too many commitments and not enough time for myself. After all, I still have two teenagers in the house, a full time job, a nearly full time side-hustle, I perform regularly with two or three bands, and now I'm serving on the board of WLN Helena.

The first thing I did was buy my annual desktop calendar. Yes, the old school giant box calendar that I write on -- with a pen. It's posted on the side of our refrigerator for all school programs, doctors appointments, and any other scheduled event that impacts our family. When I sat down at the table with my brand new 2017 calendar, I carefully wrote every date committed so far. It suddenly became much easier to handle.

Then I read the article I referenced above by Benjamin Hardy. When I was in 7th grade, my English teacher made her students keep a journal for a semester. I don't remember enjoying it, but I can tell you that when I found it a few years ago, I was thrilled that I had completed that assignment. Hilarious. Dramatic, Boy crazy. Since then, the only journaling I've done, formally, was keeping a bit of a journal when I was pregnant the first time, and while I was studying abroad in Australia. I wasn't consistent, to say the least.

Journaling always seemed so rigid to me, like so much work. And goodness knows I have enough work to do without adding one. more. thing. That was until I read Benjamin's article; I realized that I was already journaling in my own style, and it is anything but rigid. When I am in meetings, at conferences, and even watching TV, I will grab a scrap of paper to write a phrase or a few sentences, a "to do" list, or a reminder to tell someone something. That scrap of paper is usually put into a notebook, purse, or pocket, and never referred to again. 

Instead of trying to deal with my scraps of paper for inspiration when writing, I've decided to again step out of my comfort zone and keep a journal with me everywhere I go. I've filled four pages in three days, and find myself thinking about what I'll put into it next. I'm actually excited to try this out, to see if this tool will help make me more efficient and productive.

If you've ever considered journaling, don't hesitate. Pick up a notebook and start doodling, writing phrases, and even penciling in your 'to do' list. Journaling doesn't have to be rigid, there are no rules, and you never know when something you wrote down will inspire an important thought or discussion in the future. I'll let you know how this goes. After all, I'm not really committed.

There are still spots available at the inaugural No Longer Virtual Conference February 23 & 24 in Atlanta. Here’s Cheryl Snapp Conner’s article in Forbes mentioning NLV as an event not to miss in 2017.

Sarah Elkins is a professional coach and consultant, helping people and businesses improve their communication through the art of storytelling. She’s also the President of Elkins Consulting, the company making a splash with small, face-to-face, affordable interactive conferences called No Longer Virtual.

It's Part of the Adventure

Stranded in the Philadelphia Airport

I'm sorry, it's highly unlikely you'll get home to Montana today. All of your flights were canceled because of the snow storm.

I burst into tears. Highly unusual for me to cry at all, much less in public. And there I was, uncontrollable sobs escaping my lips.

No, I'm sorry for falling apart like this. I buried my father two days ago and just want to be home with my family. I know it's not your fault. What should I do? Do you have any ideas for me?

She suggested I get through security, and then walk from counter to counter to try to get on a flight -- any flight -- out of Philadelphia before the next storm hit, predicted in the next 12 hours.

I did what she suggested; for the next two hours I wandered through the airport, adding my name to the standby list on almost every flight heading west. She was right. I was not getting home to Montana that day.

After receiving an incredible gift from a stranger, I wiped my eyes, blew my nose, and started to make arrangements for the night and, hopefully, for getting home the next day. My husband did some research and found a deal on a beautiful downtown hotel room, making sure I'd have an easy way to get back to the airport early the next morning. I sent a message to my brother and sister, to let them know my situation, and to find out whether they were stranded, too. They weren't.

My sister called a friend who lived in the area to let him know I was there; he sent me a text: "Where should I pick you up so I can take you to dinner?"

My hero of the day took me to a dark, quiet Italian restaurant across the street from my hotel, and afterward we walked together through the oldest part of the city. When we returned to the hotel, he made sure I was set up with a ride to the airport the next morning, and then hugged me fiercely. "You've been through a lot, Sarah. Be gentle with yourself."

Sitting by the window on the 18th floor of the hotel, I looked out at the lights, thought of my father and enjoyed the quiet, peaceful night.

It took me a few minutes to realize how quiet it was in the room, and how much peace I found in those moments.

If I had made my flights, I'd be home by now, which would be nice. But if I was home at that moment, I wouldn't have had the quiet time to myself. If I was home at that moment, I wouldn't have had the opportunity for introspection and deep breathing. If I was home at that moment, I would have missed out on this amazing view, and time to put all of the events of the past year into some form that I could put into perspective and learn from before going back to my hectic life of work, home, and kids.

I've always been a pretty flexible traveler, taking obstacles and challenges in stride; this experience confirmed my belief that those delays and obstacles can be a great and important part of the adventure.

When you're traveling this season, and your plans get derailed and re-railed, and derailed again, remember this:

One way or another, you'll make it to your destination.

Find the value in your obstacles and challenges, find little bits of joy and peace along the way, and remember that though you're on your own journey, others can provide good company.

Be kind to yourself; be kind to others.