Identify Personal Patterns Through Struggle

After two years in the position, I found myself standing in the bathroom with a tear-stained face... again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make this work? I'm not a particularly emotional person and yet, here I was with swollen eyes and runny nose... again. Why was I letting my boss get to me like this?

This wasn't the first time I found myself struggling with an abusive boss in a bad environment. Just two positions before this one I had another abusive boss. As I stood looking in the mirror, my reflection said it all: You've been in this position before that, too.

I started to think back on all of my jobs, all the way back to serving at an IHOP in college. There were some exceptions; there were positions where I was valued, where I thrived and became the professional person I am today. Looking back though, there were far too many similar situations. This was a pattern.

It took some real introspection to come to this conclusion, the most humbling and difficult moment in my career.

I had some complicity here.

What an awful realization. Who wants that kind of answer to a question? No one I know wants to admit they did something wrong or that they played a part in what was wrong with a relationship or job.

There wasn't an easy solution to the problem I faced. Not only did I have to spend a lot of time remembering difficult situations, I had to remember them differently. Pulling myself outside of the situation to see it from an alternative perspective was the most important part of the journey. I had to figure out how I was complicit in these abusive situations.

“Was I somehow putting myself in that path, attracting that behavior into my life? Was I allowing myself to be abused? Was I sabotaging myself not only by putting myself in certain situations, but also by not paying attention to my own behavior and how that was affecting the boss’s behavior?”

Yes. Yes. Yes, and yes. So what's the next step? Finding ways to change the pattern.

A related pattern I noticed was that I was reluctant to ask for - or to take advice.

When I was finally at my lowest point at work, I reached out to mentors I thought knew me pretty well and understood my strengths at some level. I was very selective in the people I contacted because I wanted to ask specific questions about what jobs and environments they thought I would thrive. One offered me an analogy, another offered me this piece of advice: "Find something with 'special projects' in the title or description." He knew I had a tendency to learn something well and then get bored with it. I'm not a maintenance kind of employee. He suggested that whatever I did next had to be more project related, something that I could set up, create, manage, and finish.

I learned a lot of lessons in those 2+ years; I continue to face similar challenges, now I'm more aware of my actions that might be contributing to the problems.

Here's my most important advice to others: Take a few days to imagine your best work day. What would you love to be doing on a daily basis? Dig into this, all the way to specific tasks you enjoy and that you're good at. Don't focus on your strengths so much as your interests. I'm really good at some things that I don't enjoy doing!

It may take you a few hours to figure this out, or maybe you already know. When you have your vision pretty clear, figure out the professionals who really know you and make an appointment to see them. Ask them about how they see you, their perceptions of what makes you tick. You might be surprised, so make sure you are REALLY LISTENING.

Ask them for specific ideas about where you should be looking for your next adventure. Ask them for names of other contacts they think could help you bring your vision to life, and ask them if there is anything about your vision that makes them think you have adjustments to make in order to achieve it. The questions won't be awkward but your answers might be - be prepared to walk away and absorb for a while.

There are no easy answers.

Be kind to yourself while you work through this. And know that you are a work in progress; what makes you happy and content today will probably change in the future.

And then the hardest part begins; figure out how you might be complicit in your own patterns of frustration in jobs and relationships. Because until you identify your patterns, you will continue to face similar situations. As my mother once told me: "Every obstacle is like a trial. Until you figure out the lesson you are supposed to learn in a trial, you will continue to experience it, over and over again in different situations. Don't be fooled, it's the same trial no matter the context."

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*It has been a gift to receive many messages from people expressing their appreciation for my posts, particularly the ones about difficulties I've faced. Stories related to my eclectic career have resonated with a lot of people; I attribute that to the fact that stories help us relate - and apply - our own experiences, practically living them through someone else. Thanks to Elizabeth Chee for inspiring this post.*

Make History Accessible - Share Stories

Our son is taking theatre this year in school and is loving the experience. We've been telling him for years that he should get involved in performing arts because he can be SO dramatic...

A few weeks ago his class was asked to participate in the State Historical Society's Thursday night live reading event. The students, with great direction from their teacher, selected letters and diaries written by everyday Montanans between 1880 and 1990 to read to the audience. They were invited to select letters and diaries from the Historical Society's robust collection, and to research the characters with help from teachers and professionals in the agency. They also did research on their own to find images, photographs and maps, to create a visual accompaniment for the performance. The letters and diaries were from everyday Montanans, soldiers, families of soldiers, adventurers, and families separated during the civil war.

As a group, they defined the genre they wished to focus on, selected which letters and diaries to read, and created brief narratives to explain to the audience what they were about to hear.

Students took turns that evening between reading the narratives and reading the letters and diary entries as if they were those characters. It was an outstanding performance. What was extraordinary about the evening were the students' responses to questions from the audience following the live readings.

"When you were researching these characters, what struck you most about them?"

The people were real people, not famous historical figures. They were real people with real feelings, fears, and concerns for their families back home. We've read history with major characters, but these people were THERE, in the foxholes, writing letters to people and not knowing if they would ever see them again. They were real people who were experiencing historic moments with different perspectives, hopes, and dreams for the future.

"When you were reading through the letters in class, deciding which ones to include, did you have any emotional responses?"

Oh yes. Sometimes as we read a letter out loud to our classmates we'd get choked up, having trouble finishing reading without crying. I can't speak for my classmates, but for me it was about seeing myself in these words. My brother is serving in the military now and I couldn't help imagining what he would say in a letter if he wrote one.

"Did this exercise make you think differently about letter writing, and technology's impact on our lives and stories?"

Absolutely. It made me want to start writing a diary. So my words might offer a glimpse into real life in this era, way into the future.

Definitely. Reading these letters made me think I should start hand writing letters - on paper, with a pen - so my family could have them in the future.

Yes, for sure. I realized how much we could lose in terms of historical perspective from individuals - not famous people - if we don't find ways to collect the digital records being created now. But not just collecting them, there is plenty of data out there. We need to find ways to make sure the stories don't get lost in the sea of digital records, that we can categorize them and keep them long into the future.

I realized that those letters I have from my grandparents are even more valuable, bigger treasures, than I had given them credit for. Now I want to keep them safe, scan them in case of damage, and make sure I have them for my children some day. 

I realize that handwriting really is important because it's part of what made these stories so real to us. Handwriting can give you a glimpse into the personality of the writer.

Are you as impressed as I am by these students? They are telling their own stories simply by expressing their feelings and thoughts about the characters they are researching! How much more can we do for ourselves in sharing our stories in such an engaging environment?

They were asked to perform like this again at another Thursday night reading. The organizers and audience were gushing about the power of this experience and were energized to do more with this concept.

Stories have impact on us emotionally, intellectually and physically. Many of us in the audience were sitting up and leaning forward for the entire hour-long production. What does that say about the performers and their material?

Do you have stories like this to share? Tell me more in the comments below!

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About me:

A skilled teacher and entertaining speaker, I offer storytelling and customer service trainings and workshops and one-to-one coaching. I teach people how to find their stories, organize them, and share them across platforms. Learning to tell your story is the key to your success. Visit this page to learn more.