Episode 83: Your Strengths are Your Stories

Personality Assessments are Meaningless Unless You Find Application For What You Learned

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Lisa was promoted and knew she would work hard to be a great manager. She had enough experiences, good and bad, to know what she didn’t want to do. But she had an immediate challenge in one of her employees, and had almost decided to find a way to let her go, to fire her. Something about having that kind of power, the ability to make a decision that would at least temporarily have a big impact on a person’s life, made her question her decision, thank goodness.

That was when she was introduced to StrengthsFinders. She took the assessment, began digging into applying what she was learning about herself through the reports generated for her results, and realized she could be a much better manager as she became more self-reflective. What really opened her eyes, though, was the realization that she could be an even better manager if she knew the results of her staff using that assessment. She recognized the value of better understanding not only what motivated them, but what they were particularly good at - what lit them up.

She used that tool for years, uncovering strengths in her staff while becoming more and more aware of her own filters and bias' in how she saw her team. With the woman she had considered letting go, she realized how great a complement that woman could be on the team because she thinks so differently from Lisa.

In this episode, we spoke about some of our strengths, and discussed how we coach people within their specific themes. The Maximizer theme came up a couple of times, and I referred to the movie This Is Spinal Tap, a mock-umentary, a fake rock band documentary. Here’s the scene I mentioned:

A maximizer is someone who sees something that’s a 7.5 or an 8 on a 10 point scale and immediately has ideas about how to make it even better, they want to make it an 11. Think about the person in your life who always has an idea about something to add to improve an already awesome recipe. They’re usually perfectionists and have a hard time stepping away from something. The only time you’d hear this person say: “That’s good enough.” is when they weren’t all that excited about the project to begin with - they didn’t see the potential for it to be GREAT.

We also spoke about the differences in how people get from point A to point B, and the fact that there are always multiple ways to do that, but most of the time we have a narrow vision based on our own experience and strengths. When we recognize others for the value they bring, we find more effective ways to accomplish our goals.

Connect with Lisa Cummings on LinkedIn, and check out her website Lead Through Strengths.

Speaking of strengths, have you seen Heather Younger’s TEDx about finding strength in adversity? I highly recommend you listen in:

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Episode 65: Our Internal Disconnect and the Damage of a Perception Gap

Stories to Shift Your Internal Messages and External Perceptions

My friend Marietta Gentles Crawford wrote a book on the topic, From Nine to Thrive, and I highly recommend it if you want to dig into this theme more deeply.

I describe personal brand as:

What people say about you and think about you when you’re not around.

When I have an opportunity to share my thoughts on this topic as a keynote speaker or workshop facilitator, the first step I take is to describe what I lovingly call the Perception Gap.

That’s the gap between how you THINK you’re being perceived, and how people are ACTUALLY experiencing you.

Many people believe they know, they consider themselves pretty self-reflective, but they aren’t necessarily intentional about how they want to be perceived by the people around them. That creates a major disconnect when it comes to building strong relationships. Why? Because though I don’t believe you need to care what people think about you, you DO need to care about what CERTAIN people think about you.

For instance, do you care what your partner or spouse or children think of you? Of course you do! What about your clients and potential customers? If you don’t, you are absolutely limiting yourself in creating productive relationships.

The disconnect for people who know themselves, but don’t understand their own perception gap is that many don’t realize how they might be contributing to miscommunication with people they care about, and how they might be contributing to many of their own obstacles and challenges.

Think about an experience at work with a person who could be described as a bully. Do you think they wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say: “I’m so happy, so satisfied with my life! Today will be a perfect day to terrorize my colleagues at work! It gives me great satisfaction to know people don’t trust me or want to spend time with me.”

Probably not. Most people who can be described as bullies don’t actually KNOW they’re considered to be that way by the people around them. Some do, for sure, but most don’t. And some who do know themselves well enough have come to the conclusion that: “this is just how I am, and if people don’t like it, that’s just too bad.”

And that would be fine if it stopped there. But it doesn’t ever stop there. People in that situation are often lonely, bitter, are self-conscious and lack self-confidence. The disconnect is that they can’t understand WHY they’re lonely, and they blame everyone around them for their problems. 

The same goes for the colleagues and friends who complain a lot. We have all had experiences with this person, the one that everything seems to happen to: The car accident, the frozen pipes in their house, the dog puking on the carpet, getting fired or passed up for a promotion or new job, the drama with their friends and boyfriend, etc.

It’s one thing to come to work sad or in a bad mood once in a while, but when the complaining is consistent, an everyday thing, that changes how people see that person. Do you love to hang out with people like this? 

Are you that person? 

Have you noticed that when two complainers have to work together, they often don’t like each other? Even complainers don’t like hanging out with complainers!

Often the bullies and complainers in your life know, generally, how people feel about them, but they don’t take the next step to understand their role in that perception.

If a bully or complainer decides they are comfortable with the perceptions of others, it would be simpler just to embrace it. If you know you are the complainer or bully, you must also know that being that kind of person is going to impact your relationships. To address the disconnect, you must understand the consequences of owning those traits, and being intentional with your actions and behaviors.

When I worked with a bully a few years ago, I started to fall into the trap of negativity, consistently complaining about her to my colleagues. It took a while to realize I was getting more and more angry and depressed – and that I didn’t really like myself, partly because I was not only behaving in a way that didn’t feel good, but mostly because I was THAT colleague – the one who complains and talks behind someone’s back. At some point I realized that I was contributing to my situation and tension with her through my actions and behavior.

And from the other side, my boss likely knew there were people talking about her like that, and I wasn’t the only one. She also knew her reputation for being a bully and micromanager, and I know it hurt her. But as far as I knew, she never took that next step of considering her role in that perception, understanding that the common denominator in her trouble among colleagues was her.

Here are some strategies to shift those perceptions, once you’ve realized your role in the negative perceptions people have of you:

Watch for target fixation.

My husband, Bob, has been riding motorcycles for decades. He uses an obstacle in the road to describe the impact of target fixation on motorcycle driving. When a driver sees a deer or something else in the road, an inexperienced driver will focus intently and with anxiety on the deer or obstacle, and will most likely hit it. An experienced driver will be aware of the deer or obstacle, but will focus on the area around it so he can find a solution or alternative to avoid the obstacle.

We can use golf as another analogy here. A good golfer is well aware of the sandtraps, water, and trees between her and the hole she’s aiming for, but uses positive target fixation by focusing her attention on the hole she wants to put the ball into, not the obstacles.

The same can be done when you are making changes and shifting the way you speak and think to improve your relationships. Focus on things that are going right, the things you’re grateful for, the things you do really well.

Ever notice that when you’re considering buying a car, and you’ve narrowed down your choices to, say, an orange Subaru… suddenly you start seeing orange Subarus all over the place? That’s because what you focus on is eventually what you start seeing everywhere.

So focus on the positives, the things you’re grateful for in your life (start small, like being glad for the green lights when you’re running late.) You can be aware of the obstacles for sure, but don’t focus on them.

Look for patterns in your relationships:

If you’re struggling with someone at work, consider whether you’ve been there before. Are there other situations from your past that you had a similar issue?

As you begin to identify patterns of struggle with certain people in your life, at work and in personal relationships, think about whether those people all have a certain trait in common. Are they all generally one gender? Do they lack self-confidence? Do they remind you of a parent or sibling you have a difficult relationship with?

Consider how your behavior might either be attracting this kind of person, or contributing to the tension in those relationships. When you see a pattern emerge, think about what actions and behaviors you can consistently adjust – every day, and with every person – to be a person they want to spend time with.

Be self-reflective and intentional:

When I found a great job early in my career, I couldn’t believe my luck. I was sure I didn’t deserve the position I had been offered. I was so excited for the first few months in that position, doing everything I could to impress the people around me. When a known bully in the organization casually mentioned here concern that I wasn’t qualified for my job, and she couldn’t imagine why they hired me, I started to second-guess my work.

Every time I’d complete a task, I’d get intensely self-conscious about my work and it would take me twice as long as it should because I’d be digging into it to find errors. At some point, this became overwhelming, and my inner critic was screaming at me that I didn’t deserve that job. Someone more qualified would be better, and my colleagues would be better off without me on the team. So my work deteriorated. I was self-sabotaging because I didn’t think I deserved my job and the encouragement I had received from my boss and other colleagues.

But here’s where self-reflection becomes so powerful.

I noticed that as my work deteriorated, my relationships with my colleagues also deteriorated. I knew I was letting them down.

It took a few weeks to see this situation from that perspective, and I had a very close friend to talk through it and process the dynamic out loud. My “ah ha” moment was when I realized it was my choice to be the person who deserved that job and the support and encouragement of my colleagues. 

It was my choice, every day, and with every task, to earn the life, reputation, and relationships I wanted. The best part is that no matter what happened prior to my decision to shift things, I could start right away, with something as simple as showing up for work on time. It would take time to repair the damage I had done, but with every single interaction, I would be intentional about being the person who deserved the life I was living.

It’s your turn now.

• What patterns emerge when you consider the relationships in your life that cause you grief and struggle? What might have been your role in those relationships?

• What patterns emerge when you consider the most healthy, productive relationships in your life? What did you do that helped build those relationships?

• How do you want to be perceived by the people around you? And what consistent actions and behaviors can you use to demonstrate to others that you are someone who deserves – and who earns every day – the life you want to live?

True Leaders Know They Always Have Something to Learn

Stories of Learning and Growth as a Leader

Just like many bosses before him, Rich Gassen was offered a management position without having ever been a manager, and without any training. Fortunate for his employees, he knew what he didn’t know, and took it upon himself to find the resources he needed to learn to do his job and do it well.

In my experience, the worst managers are the ones who think they have nothing to learn, and who don’t see themselves as their employees see them. Many take on the management style of someone they worked for, even if they disliked that manager, and complained often about their poor management and the disconnect with their staff.

But not Rich. Not only did he take advantage of the training opportunities and other resources available to him from his organization, he joined a group of managers that met regularly to share what they knew - and to complain. The dynamic changed in that group when they realized there were many other managers there who didn’t know what resources were available to them, and they decided to open up their informal group to create a more formal, active agency to help all managers improve.

Rich Gassen, bottom left, an unplanned, unexpected rock star.

In our conversation, we had a chance to talk about music, one of my favorite topics, of course. Here’s the link Rich promised to share, a song recorded in his time as a vocalist in a rock band called Madcity.

Connect with Rich on LinkedIn, and check out the website he created and manages for the Campus Supervisors Network at UW-Madison.

Our Culture, and How It Colors Our Communication

Using Stories to Uncover Our Deeper Connections

We know innately that when we find things in common with each other, we forge deeper connections, but how do we do that with intention and true curiosity? And how do we make this the first part of communication, the priority, so our discussions don’t immediately devolve into defensiveness and hostility?

Zach and I believe that if we understand our own perspectives, where they come from, what we’re reading to bring us to certain conclusions, and why we trust the resources we trust, we could make a start toward better understanding and appreciation for others’ perspectives.

One key to starting those conversations is simply finding common ground, and that can be found in culture. During our conversation in this podcast, we discuss a less traditional definition of culture; lifestyle culture. Are you a dog person? A cat person? Are you part of the mountain biking culture? Each of us can live in many different lifestyle cultures, which makes it much easier to find common ground.

Zach Messler knows a lot about communication strategy, and he uses own cultural commonalities to strengthen his work.

Connect with Zach on LinkedIn, and be sure to check out his website to learn more about how he can help you develop your messages, your content, to be clear and compelling!

From Zach’s website:

I help entrepreneurs know what to say and how to say it so they make a bigger impact on the world…and their wallets.

So, yeah. I’m on a mission to help entrepreneurs find relevance…and revenue.

Stories as Lessons for What NOT to Do

Discerning Patterns and Choosing Change

Sometimes our biggest models in behavior are the worst ones, and if we are paying attention and can stop the patterns in our lives, we can learn who we don't want in be.

How many times have you spoken to a child and thought: "that was my mother's voice! I swore I'd never say THAT!"? You make a decision, then and there, never to do it again. But you do, probably a few more times before the lesson sinks in.

The best managers, leaders, and yes, parents, are the ones who have had those negative experiences and actively, intentionally choose to do things differently.

In this podcast, Mary Schaefer shares a couple of stories of bosses who gave bad advice, and couldn't see the value in treating everyone in the workplace with respect, no matter what their position. One was even convinced that if she interacted in a friendly way with people in the "lower" positions, she'd never get promoted.

In some ways we are definitely impacted by the people we surround ourselves with. At the same time, being friendly and respectful of everyone is our responsibility as human beings. Mary is one of the humans working to bring that word back into the workplace, and she knew when she heard that advice coming from her supervisor's mouth, that she must be true to herself if she wanted to look in the mirror and be okay with what she saw there.

What are you doing as a leader or manager that you learned from another leader or manager? Are those good lessons? Are you emulating the things you disliked about a manager or supervisor? Will you make the effort to do things differently, now that you recognize the patterns?

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Mary Schaefer's passion for improving relationships among team members is demonstrated by the success she has had in increasing employee engagement, productivity, and efficiency with her clients.

Mary Schaefer, SHRM-CP, PHR loves helping people at work to get along better, enjoy their work more, develop, succeed and thrive. Visit her company website, Artemis Path, Inc. to learn more.

Please connect with her on LinkedIn to learn more about what she does to improve relationships among team members.

You Think You're A Good Manager?

Try a New Tactic: Stories to Improve Management Skills

Joe thought he was a pretty good manager. His team was productive and they were hitting deadlines. But then his supervisor pulled him aside to let him know his team had complained about him. He knew there was some tension there, but he didn't know it was serious enough to warrant this discussion. His supervisor told him that unless he could turn around his team's attitude, he was likely to lose his supervisory role, and that did not bode well for his career aspirations.

Instead of being defensive and angry, before he stepped into his meeting with the team, he decided to try something completely different, though it seemed silly when he read this technique in a book about applying Akido lessons to other parts of life.

Not only did his new technique work, he turned that situation completely around.

In this episode of Your Stories Don't Define You, you'll hear his story, and the lessons he learned from the experience. You'll learn the techniques he used not only to diffuse the confrontation, but to change his mindset about the others in the room.

Your employees don't always have to like you, but they do have to know you respect them and trust them to do their work. If you don't, that's an entirely different management issue.

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Joe Kwon is the future author of My Cheesy Self-Help Book, which will reveal how finding the flow between our energy and the energy of those around us will help to cut through life's challenges.

He's also an attorney, Aikidoka and shameless consumer of self-help books. He's passionate about coaching and mentoring on career advancement, public speaking, and leadership principles.

You can learn more about his sparkling personality and entertaining communication style of coaching on his website, and be sure to connect with him on LinkedIn.

You Don't Have to Like Them. You Have to Work with Them.

Stories that Shape Your Work Experience

You probably know that the good and the bad of work relationships shape our professional experiences and our future interactions, but do you think about those bad experiences as opportunities to be a better employee and manager?

In this podcast, Christine Stevens shares three stories of work relationships that colored how she builds and maintains successful relationships at work, even with people she doesn't necessarily like. It was her father who said: "You don't have to like the people you work with, but you have trust that they want to do a good job and that they want the same thing you do: Success at work."

Listen to her stories, and consider your stories that feel similar. Are you learning from those experiences? Are you creating an environment of trust and value by modeling the behavior you want to see in the people around you? 

Christine is a troubleshooter, relationship builder, and cat herder. She brings disparate and often adversarial groups to the table and gets them to work together – or finds a way for them to work toward the same goal, even if it isn’t together. Never one to underestimate the power of a smile and humor, she believes a fun workplace is a more productive workplace. Read more about Christine by visiting her on LinkedIn.