Episode 69: Obstacles and Challenges as Tools to Build Resilience

Stories and Strategies that Help Us Grow

According to Valerie Gordon, there are plenty of “unlikely” scenarios in our lives. By “unlikely,” she means those things that we really don’t want in our lives, those struggles and obstacles that make our lives more difficult, and we cannot find value in them in the moment while we’re experiencing them.

But these “unlikelies” as much as we don’t like them, are often pivotal times in our lives. These are the times that we are so uncomfortable that we either choose to make a major change, or a major change is forced on us.

Though I believe we can learn important, critical lessons in joy as much as we learn from struggle, if we tell our stories of struggle from the perspective of building resilience, those struggles will help us build the confidence we need not just to survive, but to thrive.

Valerie & Maddie

We discussed these “unlikelies” in the context of our stories, and how we build and practice resilience.

During our conversation, we chatted about five of these:

• Conflict

• Dissatisfaction

• Uncertainty

• Envy

• Regret

Listen in to this conversation, learn more about how your stories can help you build your resilience muscles!

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Connect with Valerie on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, and sign up for her monthly newsletters on her website.

Valerie Gordon is a 10-time Emmy award-winning television producer, content creator and longtime storyteller whose work has appeared on HBO Sports, CBS News, Weekend TODAY, Lifetime and the Olympic Games. 

Two years ago, she turned a bad case of burnout into a pivot and founded career and communications strategy firm Commander-in-She, combining her storytelling background with her passion for advocating for women in the workforce. 

Valerie offers keynote presentations and group workshops for conferences, professional organizations and corporations to help high-achieving women with the tools and skills necessary to ascend the leadership ladder.

She’s most fascinated by impact and influence of the stories we tell ourselves and others and believes there is an even better next chapter in each of us. 

A graduate of the University of Michigan, Valerie lives in Connecticut and blogs at Commander-in-She.com.

Episode 68: Resilience is a Choice, No One is Coming to Your Rescue

Stories That Build Emotional Resilience

This third episode in the Resilience series features Amber Johnson, owner of Last Dance Gulch in Helena, Montana.

Andrea Amundson, the first guest in this series, saw her resilience as a product of her sense of responsibility to others. Charlotte Wittenberg, our second guest, saw resilience as more of a product of past experience, and being able to learn and grow from those struggles and opportunities.

Amber has a different perspective on this topic; she sees resilience as a personal choice not to be defeated, and not to be a statistic. She sees resilience as a choice to live your best life, despite challenges and struggles.

This episode was recorded on a road trip from Helena, Montana to Great Falls, Montana when we had an opportunity to see Pink Martini perform on Tuesday, April 2nd. I love the conversations that come up during windshield time, and this is no exception.

My favorite part of this road trip recording is when Amber said: "No one is going to rescue you. You must decide what you want in your life and make it happen."

We used a few analogies during this recording; my favorite was when we used food and cooking to describe how we use the ingredients in life to create something delicious.

"Resilience is like a muscle. The more you use it, the more strength you have to take some unfortunate news or circumstances, and survive it, overcome it, and create something tasty out of unexpected or unwanted ingredients."

Want to see Amber doing her thing, dancing the night away with her whole heart? Check out this video!

Not All of the Most Important Lessons Come from Struggle

Celebrating Lessons Learned from Joy - 50th Podcast Episode!

Karen & Sarah, Road Trip Warriors

I talk a lot about the lessons I’ve learned through struggle, I call them “opportunities for growth”, and many people believe the most important lessons in life are those learned during difficult times. I learn a lot about my strength, resilience, and courage through those obstacles and grief; I also learn a lot about myself, my relationships, and the world around me through happy experiences.

My sister and I decided to take a road trip in the last week I was in Colorado before moving to Washington DC for a paid internship after college. I had just graduated from Colorado State - Fort Collins, and she was a second semester freshman at the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley. It was early January, our dad was fixing my little Chevette to make the trip to DC, and we had just a few days before I had to leave.

We weren’t sure where we wanted to go, and as we drove to the AAA office to grab a map, we talked about maybe making it to Las Vegas. The AAA associate was concerned about this long trip, I think she assumed we were about 16, and she mentioned as she highlighted the route from Colorado Springs to Las Vegas: “That’s a very long drive, ladies, especially in winter!”

“That’s okay, it’s really not about the destination.”

Karen and I left with our map, stopped at the nearest Kmart for a case of oil, she drove an old Honda that burned through oil, and headed north and then west.

Always Great Travel Companions

Skirting Denver to head west, we passed the familiar sign “Buffalo Overlook”, and I couldn’t believe it. “Karen! There are buffalo at the buffalo overlook!” Puzzled, she smiled at me. “Um… yes, Sarah.”

“I’ve passed this sign a hundred times at least, and I look out every time, and this is THE FIRST time I’ve ever actually buffalo here!”

We drove into Glenwood Springs, a beautiful little town in western Colorado, where we had spent some time as young children.

“We could stop here and soak in the hot springs, and maybe see if they have a room for us here.”

Karen told me she was eager to get out of Colorado, so we kept on driving.

As we chugged in the little Honda up a hill just over the Utah state line, we realized the car was misfiring and having some trouble with acceleration, so we pulled off at the next exit with a gas station.

It was a gas station with a diner nearby - and nothing else. We filled up the tank and I put a bottle of dry gas into the tank, just in case there was moisture in it. Pulling around to the diner lot, I noticed the blinds of the diner pop open, and a few pair of eyeballs staring out at us. I went in to use the bathroom, which was a mistake, and when I came out, Karen was holding one of the spark plugs in a paper towel in her hand.

She asked if I happened to have some sandpaper with me that we could use to rub the carbon off the edges of the plus.

“No, but I have an emery board!” It didn’t fit in the gap, so I peeled the paper off the board. One at a time, my sister pulled out the plugs, I carefully pulled the sandpaper through the gaps, and she put them back. At some point, one of the pairs of eyes from the diner came out to ask if we “ladies” needed help. His belly arrived significantly before he did, and when we said we were okay, he huffed, annoyed, and stomped back into the diner. We saw the blinds pop open again as all of them watched us finish our work.

“McGyver!” Karen shouted, and we high-fived.

We drove away and didn’t have any more acceleration problems the rest of the trip.

Our adventure was filled with hilarious moments, especially late that night when we had been on the road for 8+ hours and were tired and punchy.

Eventually we stopped in Mesquite, Nevada. I got us a room, then we walked into the casino to look around. We won $300, got ID’d at least 6 times in the hour we were wandering, and were compensated for the hassle by the manager, who bought us dinner in the restaurant.

Later that year, I took the map we used, wrote short stories and quotes on it along the route, attached some pictures, and gave it to my sister in a frame as a gift.

We learned so much about ourselves and our relationship on that adventure. Our resourcefulness, silly senses of humor, and resilience was on full display. Maybe we knew innately that we held those traits, but experiencing this together was great confirmation.

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The next time you are experiencing an “opportunity for growth”, think about some of those adventures you loved, those stories in your life that brought you great joy, and really consider the lessons you learned from those experiences. And when you’re in the middle of one of those joyful adventures, take time afterward to find the lessons in it.

The Stories You Share Define You

The Stories You Share Demonstrate Your Character

When Kyle Burt shared the story of creating a roller hockey team from scratch at Arizona State University, and how he did it, I was immediately intrigued.

This is far less common than I used to think: Some people do what they say they're going to do. And they dive head first into whatever it is, there's no toe-dipping for people like that.

As soon as I heard Kyle's story, I knew a few things about his character. He told the story with some level of humor and humility, not taking all the credit himself, and he shared the story as a reminder that we can all do what we set out to do if we use our resources and follow through. He didn't need to tell me he was a "do-er", that he is a leader, or that he has a sense of humor. He demonstrated all of those things in his story.

The great thing about our lives is that as adults, we choose our next move, our response to situations, and the people we spend time with. When we surround ourselves with people who support us, encourage us, and who have the enthusiasm to follow through with us, we can accomplish great things.

Connect with Kyle on LinkedIn, watch a recent episode of his show, #CoffeeWithKyles, and visit his website to learn more about him.

Struggle Stories Help Define Patterns

Code: Opportunity for Personal Growth

After two years in the position, I found myself standing in the bathroom with a tear-stained face... again. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I make this work? I'm not a particularly emotional person and yet, here I was with swollen eyes and runny nose... again. Why was I letting my boss get to me like this?

This wasn't the first time I found myself struggling with an abusive boss in a bad environment. Just two positions before this one I had another abusive boss. As I stood looking in the mirror, my reflection said it all: You've been in this position before that, too.

I started to look back at all of my jobs, all the way back to being a food server at an IHOP in college. There were some exceptions; I did experience jobs where I was valued, where I thrived and became the professional person I am today. Looking back though, there were far too many similar situations in my past. This was a pattern.

It took some deep self-reflection to come to this conclusion, the most humbling and difficult moment in my career.

I had some complicity here.

What an awful realization. Who wants that kind of answer to a question? No one I know wants to admit they did something wrong or that they played a part in what was wrong with a relationship or job.

I'm not for a second suggesting that bullying and abuse is the fault of the victim.

I'm not for a second suggesting that it is ever okay to treat people badly or that a victim as somehow earned abuse.

there are circumstances and patterns, though, that when we see them in our lives can awaken us to our role in our own success, if we take responsibility as adults and choose to make changes.

I learned a lot of lessons in those 2+ years; I continue to face similar challenges, now I'm more aware of my actions that might be contributing to the problems.

Here are some of the lessons I continue to practice:

1. Your contribution may not be necessary or may not add value to the discussion. Stop. Think. Listen. Then decide how or if to weigh in with your thoughts or suggestions.
2. Trust is good, but take the time to know a person before you share. Trust your instincts! If you observe characteristics about a person, incorporate those observations into your overall level of trust and figure out with what you can trust each person in the environment. If someone is sharing gossip with you, they're likely sharing gossip about you.
3. Related to #2, be careful where you dump (especially if you live in a small town), and DO NOT DUMP at work. The person you want to vent about may be right around the corner and that is simply disrespectful - and you will not like yourself afterward. As bad as it is, it can be worse when you know you've earned some of the scorn. Sometimes you need to share frustrations at work, be careful not to become the person who is constantly griping and complaining.
4. Sometimes you have to play the game. Don’t antagonize, especially if it won’t bring you closer to your goal. Always think of your ultimate goal for the relationship and your job. I once hit "send" on an email I knew I shouldn't have sent. It took me about five minutes to feel the consequences and to know how sophomoric I was for sabotaging my own day. That's where I developed the 24 Hour Rule.
5. Be aware that your position in the project may not be what you want it to be, find out what's expected for your role and focus! Do your job with all of your skills and energy, and learn what you must to do your job well. My mom once told me that every trial you face will keep coming back until you learn your lesson from it. Remember that it's not forever and that you must "find the nugget" before you can leave.
6. Find people you trust and who know you well, but are separate enough from the situation to provide an outside perspective, and ask them for specific ideas about where you should be looking for your next adventure.
7. When faced with a difficult situation, reflect on how you would want to perceive it from 20 years in the future. Did you handle it well, with grace, dignity and compassion?
8. Sometimes people are just mean. It may be time to call them on it and stand up for yourself and others, or get out.
9. My most unpleasant lesson: Figure out how you might be complicit in your own patterns of frustration in jobs and relationships. Until you identify your patterns, you will continue to face similar situations. If every boss, or every romantic partner in your life was the same... the common piece of the puzzle is you.

There are no easy answers.

Be kind to yourself while you work through this. And know that you are a work in progress; what makes you happy and content today will probably change in the future.