Episode 97: Your Identity is Created by the Stories You Share

Family Narratives Can Impact Your Identity - For Better or For Worse

Dr. Kate McLean

Dr. Kate McLean was raised by a man who loved to share stories. Her father is a master storyteller, entertaining family and friends for hours with his sense of humor and insights. It’s not surprising that Kate found herself compelled by the narratives she heard in her first research position, focused on attachment theory in human development and psychology. She was so touched by the trust of people sharing their most intimate memories and experiences, that she knew her area of focus would revolve around the impact of telling those stories on the people sharing them and on the people hearing them.

Some of her colleagues focus their research on early childhood narrative, Kate’s area of interest revolves more around the transformative years between young adulthood and adulthood, roughly 17 - 22 years old.

She finds that the stories parents and caregivers share about their children in front of them, can have positive and negative effects in terms of their relationship, and how the young adult moves through those transformative years.

If the stories a parent or caregiver share about the young adult’s childhood don’t fit how that young adult sees themselves and how they are transforming into adulthood, conflict develops between them, and the transformation can become stilted.

On the other hand, if the narrative continues to resonate with the young adult, it may help them move forward with confidence in their identity as they move into adulthood.

Our conversation took some twists and turns, one thing that struck me was our mutual respect and admiration for those who share their stories with us. When someone chooses to trust you with their most intimate memories, we must respect that story and the person sharing it.

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Learn more about Dr. McLean’s work, and check out her book, The Co-Authored Self.

Kate C. McLean, Professor of Psychology at Western Washington University, was trained in Developmental and Personality Psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz (Ph.D., 2004). Her research focuses on adolescent and emerging adult identity development. She is on the governing council for the Society for the Study of Emerging Adulthood, and is an Associate Editor for the Journal Personality and Social Psychology: PPID. She teaches courses in Developmental and Personality Psychology, as well as research methods. She currently serves as the Director for the Center for Cross-Cultural Research at WWU.

Episode 95: Are You a Good Ambassador for Your People?

If you’ve ever worked in a large corporation or for a public sector agency, you have seen some pretty ridiculous policies that feel either far too broad to apply to every employee, or far too specific.

The reason these unnecessary policies exist is that many managers and leaders struggle with conflict, and it’s much easier for them to replace good management with bad policy.

You can have an impact on this by being a good ambassador for your people.

An email arrived in my Inbox when I worked in a small agency for the state government.

View from a government office, Helena, Montana

As of August 1, personal cell phone use is prohibited during working hours, except for emergencies.

The talk around the office about the policy centered on the ridiculousness of it, few people took it seriously, and others were simply insulted.

Here’s the story I imagined was behind the creation of that policy:

Boss: I’m so tired of seeing Dan sitting at his desk and staring at his phone. He never meets deadlines, and I think it’s because he’s constantly distracted with texting and playing games on his phone. I’ll bet he spends hours on Facebook and Instagram. I know what I’ll do! I’ll create a policy that people can no longer use their personal cell phones at work. That way he will have to put that stupid thing away and get his work done!

Dan: I’m so bored. I’ve gone to my boss multiple times to ask for more interesting projects to work on, and I’ve given him a list of ideas, but the only tasks he gives me require resources I don’t have, and input from so many others that I there’s no way I can meet his deadlines.

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?

There are so many ways this situation could be resolved. Every one of them requires actually talking to each other, and working to speak each other’s language.

Instead of creating a broad policy that impacts every single employee, just to address the behavior of one, or a small number of employees, consider this: Talk to them. 

Ask them what they need to do their job well, and let them know you’re concerned about the time they’re spending on their phone. Document the conversation and make sure to follow up with an email with bullet points to confirm what was agreed to in the discussion.

The employee also has a role to fill here to, of course, which includes recognizing when they are not representing themselves or other employees well. If Dan was aware that his activities on his personal cell phone would impact ALL of his colleagues, he might have behaved differently.

The way you behave, no matter where you are, is a reflection on all the different people you may represent, a public employee, a woman, a young adult (Millennial), a father. You are an ambassador for your people everywhere you go, based on your outward identity.

Here’s another scenario:

A local government hears from a variety of visitors and residents that their town is known as dog friendly, but that it’s also known for irresponsible pet owners – they don’t pick up after their dogs at the dog park, on the trail system, or in town on other people’s properties and sidewalks.

Toblerone on Mt. Helena Summit, Helena, Montana

The elected officials come up with a solution that involves more enforcement of the policies that exists, higher fines for those who are caught not cleaning up after their dogs, and other penalties. This will not solve the problem for a variety of reasons, including the fact that it’s never going to be a police priority to cite a dog owner for not picking up after their dog (and it shouldn’t be), and it’s difficult to catch people in the act. Plus, without some entertaining, engaging education around the why behind the changes, people won’t see the point.

But what if dog owners decided to be great ambassadors for their people - other dog owners? If we knew our behavior was contributing to a negative impression of our town, and was the reason for an increase in fines, and may have impact on our public safety budget, would we change that behavior?

As I hiked down the mountain behind my house with my friend, who is not a dog-owner, we saw a filled poop-bag next to the trail. I could tell my friend was tempted to judge the person who left it there, her expression said what her words didn’t.

I’ve done that before, I’ve left the dog poop bag near the trail on my way up so I don’t have to carry it for the entire hike, and then come back down this way to pick it up on my way home. I have to admit, though, that sometimes I forget, and come back down via a different path. That’s why (and I bent to pick up the other dog-owner’s poop bag), sometimes I call myself the Dog Poop Fairy, and pick these up when I see them.

There. Did you hear that? I explained why people leave the bags, admitted that I’m sometimes at fault, and then demonstrated what a good ambassador for dog owners look like. It wasn’t hard.

Even if no one sees your dog poop on public or private property, you still represent all dog owners when you don’t pick that shit up.

Are you a good ambassador for the people you represent at any given time? It’s not easy, and it’s not fair that people generalize so quickly based on first and physical impressions, but that’s the way it is. If people know me to be a dog owner, I represent all dog owners with my behavior. If people know me to be Jewish, a woman, a public sector employee, then I represent all of those people and my behavior has an impact on all of those people.

And on the flip side of this:

When was the last time you generalized a judgment based on an experience with a single person in a specific situation? Did you notice yourself passing a judgment on all dog-owners, on all Millennials, on all New Yorkers or Parisians based on very limited experience with people who fit that description?

My friend Amber Johnson offered some guidelines at the beginning of the Women’s Leadership Network annual conference a few days ago, and the one that really struck me was this:

Don’t freeze someone in time.

Amber asked the audience of around 150 women in the room whether they had ever said or done something they wish they could undo. She asked if they ever said something stupid and rash. Everyone in the room raised their hands, of course.

And then she explained that we often freeze someone in time – making a judgment about them based on one thing they said or did, and allowing that judgment to impact their relationship with the person. She suggested that when we heard something in the room we weren’t sure of, to ask clarifying questions before jumping to conclusions about the person.

Addressing these challenges requires we look at them from both points of view: Am I a good ambassador for my people? Am I making judgments of a person or on a whole community of people based on limited experience?

This week, think about all the communities of people you represent. Try being aware of your behavior in terms of how you’re representing those people and yourself. And try to acknowledge your own snap judgments based on limited experiences with certain people.

I certainly don’t like to be lumped in with a description of “all Americans are” one thing or another. And when I hear people say anything, good or bad, about an entire community of people: all Americans, all Parisians, all Californians, I think about the diversity of this incredible world, and how unlikely it is that any community could possibly be ALL one thing or ALL another.

Episode 91: When You Find Your Purpose, Your Story Shifts

Stories About a Purpose-Driven Life

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Central Park, September 22, 2019

Marcia Polas came into my life when we were both in extremely uncomfortable situations. I was in a job with a difficult boss with lots of opportunities for growth, and she was navigating a relationship gone wrong while deciding where she wanted to go from her home in Denver, Colorado to explore the next iteration of her business. She ended up in New York City, and I shifted to a job that was a much better fit, but not before we spent many hours in deep, sad, enlightening conversations - with plenty of tears.

In one of those conversations, Marcia shared a valuable tool for difficult conversations, one that I have used and shared at least 100 times since then. I was about to walk into a meeting with my boss and her boss, and I was expecting the worst. I knew it would be ugly, and as I walked and talked to Marcia a few minutes before the meeting, she said:

Pretend there’s a camera recording the entire conversation. Think about watching the video in a few years, and consider how you would want to see yourself at that time.

I sat in the meeting and considered my facial expressions, my body language, and every response to her verbal attacks to be sure I could describe myself later as having handled the situation with grace, dignity, and compassion. It completely shifted the meeting in my favor, and I walked away satisfied and relieved.

Visiting NYC this month, I had an opportunity to sit with Marcia in the courtyard of the fabulous Lincoln Center and chat.

We talked about how we met, the beautiful friendship we developed at a distance, and the power of living with purpose.

Marcia has incredible instinct when it comes to body mechanics. She started as a Pilates practitioner and has grown her knowledge and practice into all aspects of body work. Her mantra is “It shouldn’t hurt to do your job,” and she works in high burnout industries like bartending, theatre & dance. Marcia can see immediately where your body is out of alignment, and what is likely causing pain.

She is rewarded in her work when her clients realize they don’t have to live with pain, that they have some responsibility to make adjustments to remove pain from their daily lives, and that they can be happier and more satisfied without having to leave a job they love.

What a beautiful world we can create when we serve with purpose!

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Connect with Marcia on LinkedIn and learn more by visiting her website.

From her website:

I discovered Pilates in Denver, Colorado, in 1999. I was hooked from my first class. Eight months and a serious car accident later, my physical therapist used Pilates to rehabilitate my back and neck. I was better but still had chronic pain. Two marketing jobs and two cities later, I walked into Pendleton Pilates in Cincinnati, Ohio. After six months of serious Pilates, I no longer had back pain and began Pendleton’s intense four-month teacher training program. My goal was simple, to become a better Pilates student. The result was finding my calling in life.

I taught at Pendleton for the next year as a “hobby” — and in 2004, left my 14-year marketing and communications career, to pursue my passion and teach Pilates full-time. After building a successful Pilates program within a country club, I opened the first incarnation of polaspilates in Columbus, Ohio. With the help of a loyal and dedicated group of clients, the studio succeeded and I learned much about running a small business, Pilates and myself.

Episode 90: How You Tell a Story May Limit Your Potential for Learning From It

Sharing Your Story with the Right Person Makes a Difference

My book, based on this podcast, is designed to help walk you through a similar process as my podcast guests experience, to help you identify specific points in your life that can become some of your best stories to share.

The stories you share matter. They color your memories and self-confidence, they help create your internal messages, and they impact the perception people have of you. This book will help you uncover those stories that continue to shape your internal perceptions and relationships.

The preorder campaign, similar to a Kickstarter campaign, but for books, was extended by a few days because I am so close to reaching my goal of 250 books sold! To order your copy and take advantage of the early investor bonuses included, click here:

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Near the summit of Mt. Helena, Powerline Trail, Helena, Montana

Panting, stopping to breathe and get my heartrate back to a reasonable pace, I looked up ahead to more steep climbing up the mountain. Then I looked down at the path I had just hiked up and smiled. It was a rigorous hike and I hadn’t really planned to take such a hard trail to the summit this time.

The dog needed water, so I stopped in a shady spot just off the trail to fill his bowl and let him rehydrate. It’s nice to have the dog around as an excuse to stop and catch my breath again. With his heavy fur coat, he’s even less comfortable than I am on this nearly 80 degree day before noon. But he’s just as happy as I am to be outside on our mountain.

Taking one last look back, I started up another steep climb, knowing I wasn’t far from the summit.

As I listened to the randomly shuffled song that came through my headphones, I had to stop again to look up and down from the middle of the steep climb:

Glory glory, halleluiah,

The sun is shining, shining down

Glory glory, halleluiah,

I’m alive, and I’m feeling, feeling fine.

Hearing those words sung by JJ Grey, I started thinking about what compelled me to take this hard route to the top of the mountain. My top strengths, according to the Gallup assessment, didn’t include Achiever or Competition, two of the themes I could imagine would drive someone to do what I was doing. So what was it?

It was in that moment I realized character has little to do with any assessment results.

I use my strengths to develop my character, not the other way around.

It had been a tough morning, which is why I knew I needed to hike. Getting outside always helps me clear my head and make sense of things. The email I received was cruel and unprofessional, a response to what I considered very reasonable requests for information. Words clouded my vision as I walked up the mountain, feeling attacked, defensive, angry, and self-conscious.

Had I failed in this assignment? Was it my work that triggered this unprofessional, rude response? I felt my confidence start to slip back down the mountain behind me.

Pushing myself harder, pressing my feet solidly into the slippery, rocky trail, I ascended another steep 15 feet of the mountain.

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Near the summit, Mt. Helena, Powerline Trail, Helena, Montana

I felt nothing but exhilaration and pride as I took a step onto the rocks at the summit. Looking down, I could imagine myself when I was partway up the mountain, panting, pushing, and clearing the frustration and anxiety out of my way.

Now that I was at the top and looking back down, the path still looked crazy hard, but the feelings of inadequacy at the mid-point were no longer with me.

It was the next day, as I was telling a friend about my inspiration on the mountain that I realized I had missed a big part of the lesson.

I told her the story with my optimistic nature showing in full force, using those words that popped into my head as I sweated and panted up the steepest part of the mountain: Persistence, resilience, grit.

“… shame, feelings of inadequacy, self-punishment…”

Damn. As she added those words, I realized she was right. I didn’t take that hard route simply because I was demonstrating resilience and grit. I was punishing myself for what I thought I had done wrong. I was pushing away the shame I felt as I remembered the words in the email. I was proving to myself that I WAS resilient, strong, and even if I failed at one thing, I would be DAMN SURE NOT TO FAIL at this.

Our conversation shifted from why we punish ourselves to why it mattered. After all, punishing myself by climbing up a mountain had to be one of the healthiest and constructive ways to do that, right?

Well, yes. Knowing WHY I was pushing myself so hard matters. If I’m working away these feelings, these frustrations, giving those feelings a name will help me address them, specifically, rather than blowing off arbitrary steam.

When we know the why behind our actions, we can be more intentional about not only processing our feelings behind those actions, we open our minds to learn the necessary lessons the experience can teach us.

I shared the story of my hike with my friend so I could talk through thoughts I knew could contribute to life lessons, to apply my thoughts to actual improvement in future similar situations. When we tell a story like this to a friend, we create arbitrary constraints around the experience, we create a box for the story to fit into based on prior experience. That means we look for what we want to see, set limits for understanding the context of our stories, and miss all kinds of potential for lessons and growth. But when we share the story with the right friend, they might just ask the questions we need to ask ourselves – the harder questions – and that conversation is likely to remove some of those constraints.

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Summit, Mt. Helena, Helena, Montana

In the book The Art of Possibility, a gift I received from my friend Jeff Ikler, the very first chapter is about exactly that: Based on past experience, we make assumptions that create a box, or constraints, for ourselves. I made assumptions based on my optimistic nature, assumptions about the reason behind the negative email I had received, assumptions about the lessons I was meant to learn from the experience. Not all of those assumptions are bad things, necessarily, but without some opportunity to question them and work through the stories I was telling myself, I may have limited my potential for personal growth.

Who do you have in your life that helps you work through this kind of internal message? Which of your friends or acquaintances can you count on to help you ask yourself the tough questions, and get the most out of an experience? If you can’t think of anyone right away, be intentional about building relationships with the people who can help you process your thoughts and experiences. People you can trust, be vulnerable with, and who will add positive support and encouragement. Self-reflection is a great start, but if you’re not expanding that reflection by sharing it with people you trust, you’re limiting your opportunities to apply that self-reflection, deepen it, and improve your communication and relationships as a result.