Episode 108: Real Change Requires the Right "Gear", Creating the Right Environment, and Celebrating Small Wins

It’s Not Self-Control that Makes Change Stick, It’s Developing Habits

Quarry Trail, Mt. Helena, Montana - January 2020

I’ve been thinking a lot about motivation, habit, and successful, sustainable changes in both. On The Hidden Brain, an NPR radio show, I heard a researcher talking about the fact that successfully developing strong habits like everyday workouts and healthy eating isn’t a result of better self-control or motivation, it comes from developing the habits themselves.

As a person who developed a habit of nearly-daily hiking year-round on the mountain behind near my home, I started to wonder how it happened. I’ve never considered myself particularly outdoorsy. I was born in Washington DC, a city not known for healthy habits and a natural environment, and lived in LA for my early formative years. We moved to Colorado Springs when I was in junior high school, and I started to explore the Garden of the Gods, a beautiful natural park with HUGE red rocks when I got a car and driver’s license.

On any warm afternoon after school my junior and senior years, particularly after stressful days, I could be found bouldering on those rocks by myself, barefoot.

And as an adult, when I moved from Washington DC to Montana, I was determined to spend more time outside with our infant son. We moved in April, and all summer long the baby would be in a backpack on my back, hiking in the hills nearby, or fly fishing the streams just over the mountain from our little town. – But I still didn’t consider myself “outdoorsy”, probably because the women I connected with over the years were far MORE outdoorsy and hard core than I was. Those women would backpack into wilderness areas by themselves or in small groups for a few days at a time, carrying 30-40 pound packs and cooking on a campfire. And they were outdoorsy year-round, where I considered myself a “fair-weather” hiker and angler, only exploring the trails and rivers when I didn’t have to bundle up and wear warm gloves.

That version of hiking worked for me until recently. You see, we adopted a big chocolate lab mix a couple of years ago, and he is very different from our previous dogs: He won’t “do his thing” on a tether or leash in our yard or driveway – he requires a walk of a minimum of about 4 blocks.

We adopted him in March, and the weather had started to improve by then, so taking him on daily walks up the mountain nearby wasn’t too much of a chore. As a matter of fact, it became a welcome part of the mid-morning after I left my full time job to be self-employed that July. I found myself returning to my home office with more energy and inspiration, even if I left the house feeling obligated for the walk.

Yak Tracks

And then it got cold. REALLY COLD. And icy. And sometimes blowing snow. And the dog STILL required his long, daily walks. I don’t enjoy our walks in the neighborhood on the sidewalks nearly as much as I enjoy getting onto the mountain only two blocks away, so I purchased Yak Tracks, rubber & wire attachments for my shoes that would help with traction on ice and packed snow. In early winter those worked pretty well, but when the ice on the trails started to get thicker and more slippery, the lightweight Tracks just weren’t effective enough for me to feel safe walking up the mountain.

I found myself avoiding my walks, asking one of our boys or my husband to take the dog to the park nearby to throw the frisbee instead – which was an alternative that worked to get the dog to do his thing.

It took me a few weeks of those intermittent walks to realize I missed doing it more regularly. I’d dive into my work, lose track of time through distractions, and suddenly it was the afternoon and I felt all used up. Little motivation and almost no inspiration. I needed that time in nature to recharge and get out of my head.

As you can imagine, we have a great selection of outdoors stores here in Montana, and two are within walking distance of our house, so I walked into one that I love, and walked out with heavy-duty ice grippers – spikes that attach to my hiking boots that are super-effective at improving traction on ice. (If you visit my blog, you’ll be treated to pictures and even a video of how these things work.)

They sat in their box for months because I was intimidated by them. I didn’t even open the box until the beginning of the following winter. I’d put on the less effective ones for periodic walks, and was able to get back into my routine soon after – because it was spring and I didn’t have to worry about slipping anymore.

Winter arrived early last year, our first significant snowfall was in late September, which is highly unusual where I live. It warmed up a bit, snow melted, and then WHAM – we were hit with another significant snowfall. Those storms combined to create seriously slippery conditions on my mountain trails.

Summit, Mt. Helena, Montana - January 2020

I was determined to try out the heavy-duty spikes, took them out of the box, and put them on my hiking boots. With my trusty dog, Toblerone beside me on his leash, we walked up the two blocks of the alley to the trail and started our ascent.

“What the heck was I afraid of?! These are AWESOME!”

When we got back to the house I hung those spikes up on a hook next to the back door where I would see them every morning as I made coffee. And every day I’d smile, knowing I had the gear to make my hike more pleasant – even under the worst conditions. It could be blowing snow and in single digit temperatures and I would bundle up in multiple layers, a warm hat and gloves, and my awesome spikes.

I’d get to the top of a hill, and even to the summit a couple of times each week, look around at the fantastic views, smile, and feel like a total badass. This was a feeling worth repeating. Often.

Here’s what I’ve realized about developing sustainable, emotional and physical habits:

• You have to have the right gear,

• you have to create the right environment, and

• you have to take every opportunity to celebrate small wins.

My hiking “gear” to keep me accountable - Toblerone “Toby”

By “gear”, I’m not just talking about physical gear like those spikes I described. I mean you have to surround yourself with the things and people you need to be successful. If you want to eat a more healthy diet, make sure you have the food in your home, and tools you need to make habits stick. If you want to get physically more fit, make sure you invest in the gear you need, don’t go cheap on this – comfortable workout clothes, good shoes, easy to use equipment or a great gym to do that. AND for your “people” gear, make sure you’re surrounding yourself with other people who want to be healthy, people who can be your accountability partners, supporters, and encouragers.

When I say create the right environment I mean this: If you buy a fancy Pelaton and put it in your basement or an unused guestroom – out of sight – you’re unlikely to create a habit around that gear. I had to put those spikes in a place I’d see them every day in order to inspire me to put them on. If you sit in an office that doesn’t inspire you, you’re not in an environment to create and sustain good, productive work habits. If you surround yourself with people who do not inspire you, who create an environment that’s tense and bitter, you’re highly unlikely to make sustainable change.

And last, when you reach a high point – lose 5 pounds, make the choice NOT to buy the potato chips when you’re at the grocery store, get to the top of the hill, or the summit – no matter how many times each week you DO THOSE THINGS, celebrate yourself. Take a moment to congratulate yourself on your good choice. Take that moment to be grateful for yourself and your hard work to make that memory strong and sticky, to keep you company for the next challenge.

---

Join me and an extraordinary group of professionals at the 2020, 4th annual No Longer Virtual conference on March 12 & 13th in Chicago. When I say “find your tribe”, this group is what I’m talking about. The common characteristics of people who attend are curiosity, compassion, and an entrepreneurial mindset.

The agenda is full of relevant, engaging sessions, and you’ll be surrounded by some of the most wicked-smart, generous, creative, supportive professionals around. Limited to 50 participants, you’ll have the opportunity to truly connect and build strong relationships. And the best part? You’ll avoid the “after-conference hangover” by remaining in close contact with your network after the event.

Here’s a peek at the agenda:

• Supercharge your LinkedIn experience, hosted by Shelly Elsliger & Zach Messler

• Turning ideas into action by clarifying your why, prioritizing, action planning & increasing accountability, hosted by Kris Macc & Craig Thomason

• Non-sales workshop to engage your audience and grow your revenue, hosted by Hannah Bratterud and Arlene Mendoza

• Achieving win-win relationships to improve your outcomes, with a field trip to the Art Institute of Chicago, hosted by Chris Spurvey & Megan Miller

• Nurturing your emotional health to improve outcomes, hosted by Renee Smith & Kevin Strauss

DISCOUNT CODE:

Since early registration ended, here’s a $100 discount offer from the full price NLVFRIEND, and if you make arrangements with me to register two or more guests, I’ll offer a discount code for $125 off each of your registrations.

There are 13 spots left as of January 12, 2020!

REGISTER HERE

I hope to see you at #nlvchicago2020, investing in yourself, taking the steps necessary to take action toward your dreams, and building and nurturing your network that can help you get there.

Episode 107: Strategies to Take Action to Avoid Future Regrets

If You Don’t Do SOMETHING, Nothing Will Change

My dream is to create a sewing business around a design I created.

That’s terrific, Nancy, tell me about that!

I’ve always loved to sew, and I’ve created a pattern that can be easily replicated and scaled to different sizes and materials. It’s such a cool design, and I have never seen anything quite like it. It’s functional, and every person I’ve given one to as a gift, or who has seen it has loved it and wanted more. 

Very cool! What are doing now to make this dream happen?

What do you mean?

I mean, in the evenings, on weekends, and when you can get breaks during your workday, what are you DOING?

Oh. Well by the time I get home from work, I’m emotionally and intellectually spent, so I don’t have the energy or even the creativity to sew. And with my mom’s health problems, and helping out with my grandkids, I just don’t have time to work on my own things.

Hmmm. Do you have space set up so that if and when you have a little time, you can jump right into creative mode and layout your next project - or start to sew?

No. My sewing room is filled with boxes and stuff from when I moved last year.

Our conversation continued along those lines, an excuse for every suggestion I made:

• Maybe start by setting aside 15 minutes when you get home from work to put your sewing room in order?

• Schedule 15 minutes 3x each week to organize your fabrics and start planning projects?

• Think about setting a small goal, like sewing 3 of your design to take pictures and start a portfolio? 

She had a reason she couldn’t do those things – for every suggestion.

So I asked her: 

Will we have this same conversation a year from now, 5 years from now? Will you regret not doing something to change this?

If you don’t take action right now – today – you will not see any changes in your life. Guaranteed. You’re unhappy, but unwilling to change anything, so you will continue to be unhappy and dissatisfied. How do you think that impacts your relationship with your kids, grandkids, and coworkers? Do you think they don’t know you’re unhappy, do you think you’re hiding it?

That’s when she walked away from me - I felt like I had failed my friend. She walked away with her shoulders slumped, deflated. My heart broke, thinking I had gone too far, hurt her feelings and maybe made things worse.

I gave it a few hours, and then sent her a text message saying: “I hope I didn’t go too far. It just makes me sad to see you so unhappy because you are such a generous and compassionate person. You deserve happiness.”

She didn’t respond to my message. When we saw each other over the next few months she’d smile at me and we would exchange small talk, but I could tell she was uncomfortable. A few months later I gave my notice, said my goodbyes, and moved on to another career path, following a dream.

A year after that I was in the building again and ran into my friend. Her face absolutely glowed as she bee-lined toward me and gave me a huge hug. I hadn’t seen her like that – ever – and asked what was going on.

I have been thinking about calling you, Sarah, but I couldn’t find the right time, and I felt weird about it, even though I wanted to tell you that I’ve been sewing again and have sold a few of my designs! My ideas are flowing and I’m feeling creative again, it feels SO GOOD. 

I asked her: “What changed? What was the inspiration that motivated you to do it?”

Remember when you asked me if I would regret not doing something about this dream a year from now? You asked if we were going to continue to have this same conversation year after year? It took me a few weeks to recover from that conversation. I felt like a loser. But then I remembered one of your suggestions, to schedule small chunks of time to make a physical, comfortable space for my sewing, to organize my sewing room to make it more inviting. And that’s what I did. It took MONTHS. But then, about a week after I finished, I walked into that room and was absolutely inspired to start a project.

I planned to spend 15 minutes on it, but walked out 1.5 hours later with a completed project and felt amazing. It was like a veil had lifted and my creativity returned.

Wow! I’m so happy to hear that! Has anything changed at work?

Yes! That’s the thing, I am finding my job a little more satisfying. Nothing here has changed. I still deal with the obnoxious attitude from you-know-who, and continue to have more work dumped on me than I can handle, but I look at it differently now that I’m making time for myself and having fun exploring my creative side again.

We hugged goodbye, promised to keep in touch, and I left the building as if I was walking on air.

We can talk about things we want to do, dreams we have, ideas we want to initiate and implement, but until we take a step that’s all those things are – dreams and ideas.

The only way we see change in our lives is if we initiate it or something happens to us. I would much rather be the one to initiate it most of the time, how about you?

4 Simple Strategies to Take Action

1.)   Find Your Tribe – surround yourself with people who support and encourage you. Find a group of friends and peers that are doing things you want to be doing, people who will give you the hard truth about your dream and offer to help find solutions to obstacles. Make sure these are people you trust, and that you actually listen to their suggestions! You are unlikely to find support in people who have never done what you want to do, or who live with a low-risk, low-reward mentality, people who make fear-based decisions.

2.)   Schedule Baby Steps – use the calendar on your phone or desk/refrigerator calendar to schedule short appointments for yourself, maybe 15 minute intervals to work on your dream in some way. If you spend 15 minutes every day being outcome-oriented toward your goal, you will see major changes in all aspects of your life. What do I mean by outcome-oriented? Think about something you can complete in that time, like organizing a pile of papers on your desk, scheduling calls or coffee dates with people who can help you, and who you feel like you can help (accountability partners, for instance), or writing up a blog post.

3.)   Say Yes – when opportunities present themselves, show up. Step out of your comfort zone. 

4.)   Change Your Environment – Periodically changing your environment keeps your brain limber, more aware, and creative. That means weekend road trips, walks, taking different routes to work, time in nature, traveling, and exploring alternative hobbies.

If you’re tired of the same conversation, year after year, and realize you will most definitely regret NOT doing something, NOT taking action toward a dream or goal, do something about it TODAY.

Join me and an extraordinary group of professionals at the 2020, 4th annual No Longer Virtual conference on March 12 & 13th in Chicago. When I say “find your tribe”, this group is what I’m talking about. The common characteristics of people who attend are curiosity, compassion, and an entrepreneurial mindset.

The agenda is full of relevant, engaging sessions, and you’ll be surrounded by some of the most wicked-smart, generous, creative, supportive professionals around. Limited to 50 participants, you’ll have the opportunity to truly connect and build strong relationships. And the best part? You’ll avoid the “after-conference hangover” by remaining in close contact with your network after the event.

Here’s a peek at the agenda:

• Supercharge your LinkedIn experience, hosted by Shelly Elsliger & Zach Messler

• Turning ideas into action by clarifying your why, prioritizing, action planning & increasing accountability, hosted by Kris Macc & Craig Thomason

• Non-sales workshop to engage your audience and grow your revenue, hosted by Hannah Bratterud and Arlene Mendoza

• Achieving win-win relationships to improve your outcomes, with a field trip to the Art Institute of Chicago, hosted by Chris Spurvey & Megan Miller

• Nurturing your emotional health to improve outcomes, hosted by Renee Smith & Kevin Strauss

DISCOUNT CODE:

Since early registration ended, here’s a $100 discount offer from the full price NLVFRIEND, and if you make arrangements with me to register two or more guests, I’ll offer a discount code for $125 off each of your registrations.

There are 13 spots left as of January 12, 2020!

REGISTER HERE

I hope to see you at #nlvchicago2020, investing in yourself, taking the steps necessary to take action toward your dreams, and building and nurturing your network that can help you get there.

106: Resilience and Persistence are Two Different Things - We Need Both to Thrive

Stories of Loss and Grief, Coupled with Gratitude and Inspiration

Russ Johns’ life changed dramatically after falling three stories to shatter his wrist and break his arm. He was a professional musician - a drummer - but that was no longer an option after two years of surgeries and physical therapy. He was lucky to have any use of his arm… he was lucky to be alive.

There’s just something about Russ’s energy that caught my attention, and I realized during our call that it is his curiosity and openness to listening and sharing stories, coupled with his sense of gratitude and wonder at life and living.

He shared some very personal history with me during our conversation, and I was especially grateful for the grace with which he shared the story about his son’s suicide, a story he shared on stage at a The Moth Story Hour event.

Russ demonstrates the title of this podcast so beautifully, I hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed recording this episode.

---

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

A free, 24/7 confidential service that can provide people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, or those around them, with support, information, and local resources.

Crisis Text Line
741-741

This free text-message service provides 24/7 support to those in crisis. Text 741-741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor right away.

Episode 105: What Works in Distributed Teams: Stories of Growth & Learning

Our Human Workplace Requires Clear Communication Systems

John O’Duinn, author of Distributed Teams

John O’Duinn (pronounced Oh.Dinn) is an engineer, and he sees everything in life as a system. That means that with every problem he experiences or obstacle he needs to address, he sees it not as a stand-alone issue, but as part of something bigger. He understands how to dig into a problem by seeing it from a larger perspective, that a solution must address the overall health of a system, not just one small part of it.

This unique way of seeing things makes him really good at problem-solving, and made him exactly the right person to write about remote workers, what makes remote work appealing and beneficial, and how to make remote working effective. His book, Distributed Teams, dives deeply into the benefits of remote teams, and then gives step-by-step guidelines to make remote working a successful endeavor.

There is so much to consider when hiring people, building a business, and setting up for an intentional culture, and one of those decisions must be whether to require people to work in a specific physical office location. It’s not easy to create a culture of communication in terms of clear processes and rules, but it’s critical as a company grows beyond 4-6 people, whether you’re sharing an office or whether your team is distributed.

My biggest take-away from the book is the dramatic improvement in the diversity of workplaces when remote working is an option and well-planned and executed. There were so many interesting parts to this conversation with John, and I came away from it with a huge appreciation for that aspect of his book and our discussion. There is plenty of evidence to support the value of diverse workplaces in terms of innovation, productivity, problem-solving and the resulting bottom-line improvement. This conversation, plus John’s book, make an excellent case for increasing the opportunities for people to work remotely, on distributed teams.

He referred to a study funded by the World Bank on urban mobility, which took place in Buenos Aires. Here’s the piece that we discussed:

If women are indeed constrained to smaller commutes, it also means they have access to fewer employment opportunities – with inevitable consequences on their wage rates and related labor market outcomes. 

To read the full article, click here.

Connect with John on LinkedIn, and I highly recommend you check out his book, Distributed Teams, whether you’re a remote worker, work from home, or simply want to improve your team’s communication and processes. John referred to a book by Michael Lopp, Managing Humans, which can be found here.

Episode 104: Truly Effective Leadership Begins with Self-Reflection

Leadership Development Requires Stories of Self-Reflection

Rajkumari Neogy loved her job, but couldn’t shake the feeling of being excluded. As a leader in the organization, it was difficult to pinpoint where that feeling of dissatisfaction and exclusion was coming from because she had a great boss and an engaged team, but something just wasn’t right.

So many of us feel disconnected from the communities we’re expected to feel close to, the community at work, at church or synagogue, even with our own families. Many of us feel like we’re out here on our own, like we simply don’t belong to any one community, like we just don’t fit in anywhere.

When Rajkumari left her job, her ultimate goal was to learn more about why those feelings were so persistent, to study the neurobiology behind those feelings of disconnection and exclusion, even when there was no evidence to support those feelings.

During our conversation about resilience and the impact of genetics on trauma, Rajkumari mentioned two scientists well-regarded in the field of epigenetics, Rachel Yehuda and Moshe Szyf.

From an interview with Dr. Yehuda: “Rachel Yehuda is a pioneer in understanding how the effects of stress and trauma can transmit biologically, beyond cataclysmic events, to the next generation.”(1)

Also mentioned was a book by Sarah Peyton, Your Resonant Self, which you can find here.

Our conversation spanned from that feeling of exclusion and where it comes from, to the strategies we can use to address trauma in our bodies and minds. Rajkumari is committed to self-reflection to continue to grow and improve as a coach, to and bring others along for that journey.

---

Connect with Rajkumari on LinkedIn, and visit the website to learn more about the extraordinary work she is doing with leaders & teams.

---

(1) https://onbeing.org/programs/rachel-yehuda-how-trauma-and-resilience-cross-generations-nov2017/

Episode 103: Good Career Advice Might Not Be What You Think

Career Guidance Stories, Reviews, and Regrets

When Eddie Wilders graduated from high school, all he knew was that he wanted to go to college. He didn’t know which college, or what programs he would be interested in, but he knew he wanted to be the first in his family to get a degree and do something different.

Eddie’s guidance counselor in high school was anything but, friendly and open, there for support, but did little to actually guide and help her students with important decisions.

He didn’t have any more success with that kind of guidance in college. When he was about to graduate with his Communications degree, rather than giving him some concrete ideas for jobs to apply for, his counselor said: “You can do just about anything with that degree!” And left it at that.

Eddie and I met in the comments section of a post on LinkedIn, asking about career advice. I responded to his comment on the post that I received plenty of decent career advice, but looking back now, none of it applied to me. All the advice I received was general, not specific to my tendency toward passionately learning something for a while, and then getting bored, self-sabotaging, and then switching jobs.

His questions and concerns were geared toward how he could guide his young daughters, since he didn’t receive useful guidance, and I immediately reached out to ask him about his experience and to record it for this episode.

Our conversation spanned from dressing appropriately for the job you want and for the environment you find yourself standing, to taking a trial and error approach in career decisions from early on. Eddie didn’t feel like he had the luxury of the trial and error system because all he knew was the experiences of his parents: Find a good job, get really good at it, and stick with it because it’s a good job and it pays.

Looking back now, he knows he wants his daughters to feel confident in trying different professional environments until they find one that feels right.

It’s always a pleasure to speak with someone with an important message, and Eddie shares one I’m sure most people can relate to, getting stuck in something because of the expectations and experiences of others.

Connect with Eddie on LinkedIn, and let him know what resonated with you about this episode!

Episode 102: Finding Soul-Shifting Moments

Listen Closely to Your Heart When Your Story Shifts

This episode’s theme is career transformation. My guest, Lorraine Flower, had a moment in her late 30s, when she was quickly and effectively moving up the corporate ladder, really on the upswing of her career, when she realized her soul wasn’t being fed. She took what she called a sabbatical from her job, with the intention of spending time to learn what would feed her soul, and when she was offered an incredible opportunity with a different firm just a few months later, she came within a couple of days of starting – and then walked away from it.

Connect with Lorraine on LinkedIn, and visit her website to learn more about how she helps leaders remember to feed their souls by helping them identify and develop the soul of their companies.